Once again I messed up. I quit another job. If I had a penny for every time I told myself I was not going to sabotage my own life again I would be rich. I am coming to terms with the fact I am a mental midget. For whatever reason I do not function as a productive person of society. I suck.

I am tired of fighting and hoping and trying to be what I am not. Maybe I have to accept, I am what I am.

I am constantly trying to change, to improve, to become a better person. It is not working.

At some point I have to learn what I can change about myself and what I can not change about myself. I am smart enough to know I am dumb. I would much rather be blissfully ignorant. You know those people, that walk through life in complete oblivian.

Each time I try again.

Now I am lucky, in addition to the Dealer (aka) Dr. I see a therapist this time. Do not fool yourself. Your Dr is more like a dealer. For years I have seen many Dr.s and it is the same old situation. In all fairness to the dealers I look functional. I do not drool, I have my teeth, I am clean and attractive. For all intents and purposes I look normal and functional.

The dealer never gets it. I am not fine. I quit jobs, all of the time.

I have quit ****** jobs, good jobs, and great jobs. I quit all jobs eventually. It's the same scenerio each job I quit. Initially excited, learning new things, yippy. Then I start talking to others and this is where I get into trouble. I am candid. I am too candid. I am the first to tell you like it is. I have zero skills in regards to office politics or company culture. I see everything in black and white. I mean your not sort of pregnant, your either pregnant or your not.

Upon initial employent they love me. I am smart and have a high work ethic.

Eventually my mouth ruins it.

Maybe that is the answer. I should be a mute.

For me to be a mute they would have to wire my mouth shut, I have no self control over my communication "weapon." My mouth is a weapon of sorts. I can cut off legs with my mouth. I leave people in shock and awe and don't even know I am doing it at the time. It is wierd to say the least.

I do not hate my boyfriend but you would never know that if someone played a tape of my words. We argue, I go right for the juggular. I go below the belt immediately. You hurt me a little, I'll hurt you alot, I guess is the madness of me. I am mean with my mouth. I do not plan to be. I don't wake up and say "who will I destroy emotionally today with my words" it just happens. Sometime often, sometimes not for a while, but it is inevitable, and that is what sucks. No matter how close you are to me, no matter how much I love you, I will beat you down. What a viscious cycle I weave.

Off topic, where the hell is spell check on here? :blob_fire

I can take what they call medicince but I affectionately term knock out pills. I feel like I have tried them all.

Lithium sent me to my knees, literally. I was mixing kool ade and hit the deck. I had rining in my ears and a lovely uncontrollable eye twitch. Thats always fun. Your eyes twitching and hearing as if your in a tunnel or stuck in a sea shell. My head always felt stuffed and heavy. Not to mention I slept all day unable to stay awake. I tried timing the drugs for the knock out effect but it just did not work.

I took eskilith same family as lithium same affects.

Prozac freaked me out. Made me cry all the time. It was a wild ride to say the least and definately not a drug for me.

I have taken the dealers cocktails as well.

Zoloft and Depakote. Hey that was great. I went from a size 6 to a size 12. Gaining that much weight made me more depressed. So depokote made me fat and zoloft had no effect.

I can't remember the names right now but if it's a med to treat bi polar I have taken it. I have yet to find the right one or right mix for me. I am scared there is none for me.

No winning formula for Ginger. No resolving therapy for Ginger. I am afraid I have to go through the rest of my life being me. There is no fix, no cure. That is where my head is at. At what point do I have to accept and stop trying to change.

What qualities or disfunctions of myself I am stuck with. Can I ever improve and if so on which traits?

The bottom line is I am back to square one. No job. Once again, I have to put on the smooze and lie my way in. I can't tell them I have had, who knows how many jobs, over the years, so I lie. I count on the fact that only 15% of employers check.

I lie my way into pay scales of 60k and I lie my way into being a server for $3.90 an hour plus tips at a local chain restaurant.

I can obtain the professional jobs when I am on a high, feeling confident. When in a confident state of mind, I am like a train. I have not been in that "right frame of mind" for a few years now. That sucks. I'd rather be high then low. I get more done and I think better too.

I am in this low funk. I have to take steps of action and I can hardly leave the house. I have to get a job asap. I have to be able to support myself yesterday. I have no time for a low funk right now. I need a high. I need the confidence to pick myself up and brush myself off right now.

I have got to stop sabotaging my life! It is sick sick sick.

Girlz, I wish I knew what to say to cheer you up. I know pleanty of people who are considered "normal" and they don't/cant stick with jobs either.
I am not bp but my wife is. over the past 6 months she has compleatly ruined me and the kids. I find that you post gives me great insight. It always good to hear when someone recognizes their behavior. My wife is now just begining to see. before, in her mind, everything was my fault.
I was curious maybe it's not that you haven't found the right meds, just haven't found the right mgs dose. I am no Dr. (although I like to play dr. :D )
But I have herd that what you describe as side effects (- the weight) will pass in time it's part of the adjustment period. maybe you were started off a too high a dose.
I agree where the heck is spell check on here.

I see the psycologist in the morning. Unfortunately I do not see the dealer (Dr.) for another two months. I am on geodone as of two weeks ago.

Now that I quit my job I can give the geodone a try. Geo knocks me out. Dealer said this should get better in a week or two. So once again I'll give it the good ol american try.

I have been reading about a newer med Cymbalta. I might try it.

Distroyed you do know it's with an e, right? LMAO Smile!

Yes I know it's with an E. the log in wouldn't take it at the time and I was sick of changing it. I think everyone got the idea. Although you are the first to mention it. Maybe everyone just thought I really sucked at spelling and didn't want to offend me.