hi all,
i never actually thought i would complain about this, but i think the lithium has now brought me down to a level. this is what i always wanted, but the only way i can describe how im feeling is "lost"
I think its the fact this neutral state has been med-induced rather than the way i am naturally. I dont really feel anything anymore, for the first few days it was like i was calm and floating, but now i just feel numb. I have no real get up and go or motivation to do anything, but i can cope with doing things if i need to. i never feel particualrly happy, but then i dont feel sad or desperate either. Im just "nothing", thats the best way i can describe it. Im not sure if i like being like this, i feel like an emotionless zombie just floating through life without any true feelings.
ive also completely lost my sex drive and am not bothered if i see people or not. i wouldnt say im exactly anti social, as i cope fine when i do see people, but i could happily go through life without seeing them, i actually want to be alone a lot of the time and away from the area i live in and things that are familar, and ive never felt like that before.
The only really great thing is that my urges to spend are under control for the first time ever. I actually thought about spending today just so i would get a buzz because i wanted something exciting to happen! but of course the true urges arent there anymore so it just doesnt happen.Now i couldnt care if i spent money or not.The overspending is, or was, the biggest problem with my bipolar. i think i would of just got on with it otherwise as i kept a lot of my mood swings well hidden, but it was the spending that started affecting other peoples lives as i stole money and got other people into debt too, and i hated hurting those around me. Thats why i was so desperate to be diagnosed and treated.
i feel like if i carry on like this, my life will pass me by because i wont have the 'ooomph' to do anything about it. I know i had no quality of life while my bipolar was untreated either, but now my whole attitude to everything is 'whatever'.
did anyone else go through this stage when initially stabilised? will it pass? im grateful for what good the meds have done, but i just feel like im not me anymore

I'm sorry to hear this, this is actually the way I was feeling most of the time without the medication.
What are you taking, lithium and something else? or just the lithium?
I think you should tell your doctor when you go again, that's not supposed to be the end result of meds, I don't think.
I used to keep a calendar on the computer, and use the "fill" colors to color in each day and how I felt, so I could relate this to the doctor, (otherwise I'd forget). I color coded my days, gray for numb and tired, red for excited and really good, orange for plain good, and shades of blue for sad, and black for the worst day. If you could keep track of this, and show this to your doctor, do you think it would help? It also helped me see in one sheet, how I changed, or not.
I hope you feel better soon, I know you've been on your medication about as long as I have, was it the end of May?
Well, take care, and I'll keep checking the board for you.
Strawberry:D

hey strawberry,
im just on the lithium, i was taking paroxetine still as well but apparently that was a big no no, so im now completely off that and just on 600mg lithium a day.
the thing is im ok, im not suicidal or anything and im not manic and into any destructive behaviour. but id be lying if i said i was happy. i am going to mention all this to my pdoc (next appointment 3rd august) but im not sure what they will do, i think the dosage im on now is probably correct as when it was lower i was still manic and im worried if it goes higher i could become depressed. ive been crying lately because i feel alone but its not like my normal depression.
yes i did start my meds in may around the same time as you, its nice to have someone who has followed my story. i guess all we can do on here is support each other the best we can.
Hugs, and thank you for being there
Angel x

It may not just be side effects from medication. It's common in bipolar patients, when stabilized, to not feel comfortable with a so-called "normal" mood, since they've experienced ups-and-downs all of their life. It's hard to have something that defined your personality for most of your life to suddenly be taken away, and the consequence is often to feel "lost," or in some sort of mood limbo- not high or low. It's the same way with anxiety- if I was ever to lose my panic attacks or obsessions/compulsions, I wouldn't know what to do; it's a part of me. As horrible as depression and mania are, there is a tendency to "miss" them when you're stabilized because you don't know how to react to the calmness. As wacky as that sounds, it's a pretty common reaction. Hopefully, you'll soon get adjusted to the feeling of having a euthymic, "normal" mood, but if you feel as though a good bit of it is the medication, then it may be a good idea to talk to your doctor about other options. Oh, just as a side-note, if you're on Lithium or some mood stabilizer, taking an SSRI shouldn't be a problem. Lots of people take both a mood stabilizer and an SSRI: a mood stabilizer for the mania, and if the mood stabilizer doesn't have enough power for the depression, an SSRI may be added to enhance the effects. It's bad to take an SSRI without a mood stabilizer because that almost always ensures mania, but with the mood stabilizer as a sort of "safety net," the SSRI shouldn't have been a problem. Good luck, God bless, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-

That's what I was thinking when I asked, I don't know much, but I haven't known of anyone who did well just on lithium.
I am taking Wellbutrin, and I am not hyper, I am well. I don't feel good now, but I'll talk later, we have a problem here at the station and I am worried about my friends. I'll write when I calm down, I need to know that they are O.K. pray for them please?
Thanks
Strawberry:rolleyes:

Angel x, Read carefuly what Gatsby had to say in her last post to you. Although she is not bipolar herself, she has an amazing amount of knowledge. I would like to add my own personal thoughts :

First of all you should know that lithium is still considered the "number 1" mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder. I hear you saying that resently you have noticed that you are,infact,stabilized. However you "think" that you may not be "your normal self", yet. It is known that when you first feel that you are stabilized,your not really sure that this is what you want to feel like. It's like you still "want your cake and eat it to." That is to say you now know that those manic symptoms are gone, but you have this deep down feeling that you will never feel happy again. You know,the "way it use to be". However, you worry that this "new feeling" is what you need to accept.

You need to know that your lithium is doing what it is suppose to do. It is working with your brain's biochemical imbalance. That is why your pdoc perscribed it for you in the first place. True, your pdoc may change dosage in order to relieve your feelings of emotions and "happiness"

You may know my history with lithium. I have taken it for 36 years. I had the same thoughts and feeling you have now at the begining of my stability. I had to learn to be stable with taking it as directed. Once I acheived that, every thing fell into place. My Life, My Job. My Family life, and My Happiness.

Stick with it, Agnel x. Stability is just around the conner. :) :)

Eyes

thank you so much Eyes, you have an amazing insight into this. i will take your advice. Ive got to say sometimes i do have a nice floaty feeling around me, as though everything is being taking care of and i dont need to fight anymore, which is nice as ive never felt that before.
Gatsby- thank you also. i can relate to a lot of what you said. in question to the meds, i have heard of people being on both a mood stabiliser and an ssri, but in my case, my pdoc looked horrified when she saw what i was on, which was lithium and paroxetine (prescribed by my general doctor). she said it was a very bad combination, and to be honest i did feel awful on it, it intensified the symptoms of my bipolar to the point where my moods were swinging as often as every 15 minutes and i became dangerously suicidal.It seemed to bring out the very worst of both my manic and depressed symptoms. Its only been since ive been off the paroxetine that everything has calmed and i would describe myself as now being "stable".My pdoc described a mood stabiliser as being exactly that, so said i should be ok just taking it alone as it should keep my moods level. Perhaps it was either the ssri or mood stabiliser that were wrong together as im sure there are combinations that do work safely, but for me it was a no-no. Although i know these are all things i should discuss with my pdoc to look into in the future. It may be that eventually i do need an ssri as well, as even though im fairly level right now i would say if my mood was going to swing one way now it would almost certainly be depressed.
Strawberry- im praying for those friends of yours and will send healing. hope everything is ok xx

If I had to guess, I'd say that it was the fact that you were taking Paxil (paroxetine). I've heard absolutely wretched things about Paxil, people becoming suicidal, horrible withdrawal effects, and many cases of bipolar III, when the person became full-blown manic and wasn't even suspected as bipolar to start with. (One example is Lizzy Simon, who describes in her novel My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D, how she became full-blown manic after taking Paxil.) If you do decide to go on another SSRI, might I suggest Prozac or Zoloft? You may not have success with these, either, unfortunately. If you feel that you're still getting manic symptoms taking another SSRI, you may want to ask about trying an atypical anti-psychotic (Zyprexa, Risperdal, Seroquel, etc.), as they're sometimes used to augument the anti-depressive effects of a mood stabilizer. Your doctor is right in that a mood stabilizer is supposed to work to prevent and treat both depressive and manic episodes, but it doesn't always work for the depressive end for everybody. Write back soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-

hi gatsby,
thank you for your reply. Ive heard all those things about paroxetine too,but it used to work really well for my depression, infact it saved my life more than once. But it did make me incredibly manic, infact my manic episodes only really began to get out of control after i first got put on paroxetine aged 18. Because i used to get bad breast pain on it, i did try a few other ssri's, i took prozac briefly but it didnt work for me, although ive never tried zoloft. when you mention the anti-psychotics, can they be beneficial to someone with bipolar II, even if they have never been delusional? i did used to get OCD and panic attacks, along with irrational thoughts, but the paroxetine managed to keep all this under control.
thanks in advance for your support, Angel x

Actually, those who usually need to use the atypical anti-psychotics are bipolar II, not I, or if they are bipolar I, they have some "complication," like mixed episodes or a co-morbid psychiatric condition (usually OCD or panic disorder) that interferes with treatment. Those bipolar I's who have classic, "euphoric" mania are the ones that do fabulously on Lithium, but bipolar II's often use Depakote or Tegretol or an atypical anti-psychotic. The thing I'm confused about, though, is that you say that you were manic. Is that true? Because if you really were manic, then you would've been delusional and/or have had hallucinations, and be classified as bipolar I. :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-

When i say "manic" it is probably more about how ive felt rather than how ive behaved. im diagnosed bipolar II, which is classed as hypomanic, as im sure you know. in your opinion would i be better suited to a different type of mood stabiliser rather than lithium? my pdoc has diagnosed me BP II and is aware that ive never been delusional or psychotic

I wasn't aware that you were bipolar II (I assumed that you were bipolar I), and since you are, you might indeed be better off with a different mood stabilizer, but you may want to give the Lithium some time to work, just to see if it makes any difference or improvement- don't give up on it yet! It seems that Lithium has a dramatic effect right away, so if you aren't getting that, and your doctor doesn't seem to think it's working, either, you might want to consider trying Depakote or Tegretol, or one of the newer mood stabilizers, like Lamictal. :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-

u seem to be getting great advice on it so ill tell u ive been taking a combo of lithium and lexapro since may and it seems to be a good combo cause my bipolar seemed to happen it cycles a few months manic a few down so i feel safe knowing im on lexapro for my downs and the lithium as a guard