I am so ridiculously out of control. My binges have been insanely huge it is disgusting. And purging afterwards I hate it so much. I hate doing it. I hate being like this more than anything. I want to be "normal" and not have to worry about food and my body or anything. And I think b/c my binges have been so big lately that I have been gaining weight. At least I think I am and that is enough to make me feel even worse about myself, get me depressed and continue my whole cycle of the binging/purging. God, I want it to end so much. I wish I could stay one weight and be satisfied with it, eat healthfully, and live normally. But right now I feel I dont have control at all. Like for the past few days I have been waking up early with only a few hours (3-4) of sleep to binge/purge. Like I have an urge to do so. That is extremely sick to me. Like I will always say, "tommarow I wont do it"-But I always DO! Now I am just really depressed and I like dont want to eat tommarow. I need to get some kind of control back b/c I have totally lost it and I know this is not a good way to do so but I dont know what else to do at this point. I am so tired of purging, it disgusts me so. ugh I cant even talk bout it anymore. I just needed to vent b/c like most, I have no one else to talk to bout this. :( Well bye for now. Goodnight.

I wish I had you close by to show you what I've been through, when you look at me you see a thin girl, but when I pick up my shirt you see a huge scar from the bottom of my breast all the way to my pubic area and a 6 inch scar on the side of my belly button, so much for me wanting to be skinny and looking good in a bikini, great with this huge scar that is unbelievibly gross. Why is it you ask, see, I binged and purged as many in this society that expects us to be perfect but not only because I wanted to look good but because I wanted control. As for me as sinical as it sounds purging made me feel good, I was in control and I was loving it because the more trips to the restroom the better I looked..pathetic...I know. I could eat and drink anything I wanted and still kept my body, then it happend. I was bulimic for only 4yrs towards the end I started feeling dizzy light headed cause I would purge so hard just to make sure everything came out. Then small stomach pains, with the lightheaded ness and dizzy feeling. Then a huge pain on the side of my belly that didn't go away for days and I couldn't walk. I was in and out of the hospital with blockage on my sigmoid colon, they had to insert meds up my butt to flush me out 3TIMES!!! I should of learned, on 05/16/05 I binged so hard that I had to like everyday purge, and the pain started again I said I'll just hack it out for a couple of days it's okay...I wasn't. I had purged so hard that the blockage was my own intestine basically trying to come out with all the purging. I was rushed to the hospital, catscans, Xrays, blood samples, so many test until finally they said "for some reason you ruptured your intestine" I HAD TORN MY INTESTINE!!! All my fluids had poisoned my blood for waiting to long to get help. I went into surgery and for my surprise woke up with a tube in my nose and what was left of my intestine poping out on the side of my belly. I had a bag to let my poop out attached to my intestine. I couldn't go normal I went when my body wanted and I passed gas when it wanted to. I felt like a helpless newborn or a patient in a nursing home. I couldn't stand next to someone because I couldn't control the noise coming from that bag, it was embarressing it was horrible. Now I carry the scar of that which reminds me was all that vanity worth this stupid scar, I say yes. Cause I learned my lesson the hard way really hard, cause I almost died. Don't let this happen to you, don't let that damn vanity get the best of you, cause if you let it get you, so will death.

Love,
Mo

Screaming softly,

I really feel for you. Firstly I want you to know things can get better. I was a secret bulimic for 6 yrs. It started when I went to university I guess because I had freedom and saw it as a chance to make me feel better about myself as I was bullied about my weight at high school. It is quite hard to explain i guess i binged as a comfort and purging was a way of getting rid of the guilt and not putting on weight however the guilt afterwards of what i had done to myself i think was worse than i ever felt before. Once it started though I couldn't see a way out, it is a vicious circle. i thought I was on my own and if i told anyone close to me they would be disappointed/ angry/ repulsed by me. (I am not writing this next bit to scare you but it is worth letting you know how bad things can get, i do not want these things to happen to you)...Things really did get out of hand and I had horrific pains in my abdomin, countless visits to hospital and all the tests under the sun, I even riped my diaphram muscle it was a very stressful time for those around me who cared as they had no idea about the bulimia and i was racked with guilt as i felt i couldn't own up to it. my obession with food was ridiculous but i knew i had to sort myself out. I lived on my own and decided to move home as I thought it would deter me from binging and purging. It did but the struggle to fight it was quite hard to bear i was being obnoxious to everyone because i felt helpless. one day i finally cracked i knew it couldn't go on and told my mum. She was wonderful and listened to everything, she did not judge me, get angry or disappointed. It isn't easy as it feels like your are giving up all control but really the control we think we have isn't doing us any favours at all is it? All it is doing is running us into the ground with nowhere left to go. You say you can't talk to anyone, i know how that feels but i urge you to, a friend, family, doctor it really wont be as bad as you fear, infact it wont be bad at all. YOu have told us and that is a big step, i know none of us have ever met but we have all been in the same boat and believe me it is such an amazing feeling when you feel like you are making progress to get out of it. Due to my binging i developed intolerances to certain foods and when i ate them they gave me alot of discomfort. i had a food intolerance test done and it highlighted wheat as a food group my body was having difficulty with processing, as these were the things i binged on eliminating these things helped greatly in my recovery. knowing i won't have pain or these things to binge on is worth me eliminating them from my diet and i have discussed this with my doctor. i really think it would be worth it to speak to your doctor it is confidental and he can refer you to a dietician to help you understand what your body needs to be healthy. I can pretty much safely say you will not be the first person to have gone to him with an ed and he WILL help you, but you have to be willing to help yourself first. My mum came with me when i went which was good as i was able to involve her in my recovery. It isnt easy but neither is what you are going through right now but i know i would rather be finding things tough and recovering than finding things tough and continuing my destruction. I am lucky i have someone there who knows what i have been through and listens when things get tough a problem shared really is a problem halved. Nowadays, i have things under control, there are days when i wish i was thinner, taller, etc etc! but if the dreaded thought of binging and purging enters my head, which i will admit does sometimes i think how well i have done to come this far and feel better with myself for having the courage to fight it. that is not how i want to live my life anymore and i hope you can bite the bullet and one day be writing a post to say to someone else i beat it and so can you. I wish you all the best i really really do, please please please talk to someone as there is a way out from this and believe it or not you are strong enough to take the next step. Keep posting and we are always here on the board if you need any help. Any questions please do not be afraid to ask, i will do whatever i can on here to give you support. take care.:wave: