My partner passed away suddently of a heart attack on 17/7/06 - aged 47. When I was told my world fell apart. I have difficulty showing people how I feel and I don't know if he knew. For the past 9 months we had been having our problems, he injured his back very badly and was taking everything out on me. Two months ago I couldn't take it anymore and asked him to leave. His back as suddenly as it got bad got better and he sat me down and apologised for the 7 months he'd put me through and told me that he wanted to try to mend the bridges and that he still loved me. I agreed and we were working on our relationship we actually went out on a date 3 days before he died.


While his back was bad he spent hours on the internet everyday on sporting forums which I thought nothing of as he was very sporty before the injury. After he died I logged onto his forums just to feel close to him and I openned a can of worms. He talked on there about being 37 and being very active doing adventure sports. Initially I thought that he was just living a fantasy and reliving memories but then I checked his e-mails. There were several from friends that he'd met on line but there were three from one particular woman saying how much she cared for him and how devastated she was that he'd not been in contact for 2 days. I e-mailed her informing her of his death and asking who she was. I have since found out that not only was he e-mailing her she also had his mobile phone number and they were in constant text contact too.

I now don't know what to think, I loved him but never told him or showed him enough. I haven't yet been able to grieve for him as all I can do is think of what he was doing with her. She didn't know him she thought he was 37 and has now just shrugged him off because he lied to her. I am in such a mess.

This must be so very confusing for you. It's no wonder you are in a mess.
Do you think that you need to seek professional help to deal with all this?

I am so sorry that you lost your partner so very recently and have now found out about his online communication. Unfortunately the internet allows people to fantasise and say whatever they want to, without anybody being able to check it out.

His actions when you wanted to finish the relationship shows he had love and commitment for you. I doubt he would have done this if he hadn't felt loved by you. Why should he want to apologise and make ammends otherwise?

You have been very brave to write this here and I hope you will eventually find some peace in your heart.

I find it helpful to write things down in journal, my thoughts and feelings that I don't want to share with anyone else.
I will be thinking about you and hoping you can more on from this.
Mayam