Why do we always feel guilty for eating? Eating is something you're supposed to do. But I just can't. I just can't do it. My best friend sits with me and tries to talk about it but I just change the subject and talk about something else. I can see it kills him inside but I can't. I feel guilty when I go over 500 calories a day. Most of the time I have a cup of cheerios with 1/4 cup of milk for breakfast, a peice of watermelon for lunch, and once and a while a special k bar for dinner. I feel sick to my stomach all the time but I feel even worse when I eat. Today I actually had a piece of grilled chicken for dinner and I cried for 2 hours afterward.

How did it get like this? Is it in me, to be happy with myself?

Is it in me?

Hi there,
Like you, I have an issue with eating. I did hesitate to reply however, as I believe the challenges as I faced is very different to yours ( quite the opposite- I used to indulge and over eat). Maybe I missed the deeper underlying issues with your dilemma and would give a very simple reply that is misleading or unuseful? Anyway, here it goes...
A good friend of mine suggested to me to view eating not simply as putting food in our mouths but more importantly as opportunities to refuel our bodies. It's (suppose to be) the time where we give our bodies all the healthy stuff (vitamins, minerals etc...) it needs in order to repair, re-energise and maintain itself. This has helped me in making better food choices too. As I mentioned, I used to binge (mainly on icecream and chocolates) Nowadays, whenever I see junk food, instead of getting the urge to stuff my face, I think instead of the harm it would do to my body. Also, vegies that I used to dislike, well I still dislike but this time, i think of all the goodness they have that my body can use so I eat more of them.
Atleast you recognise that you have a problem so you can take the steps to over come it.

As for your second question about whether you have it in you (to be happy)? My answer is a definite, YES. We all have it in us.

hey jess, i just replied to your other post, but i wanted to reply to this one too, cuz i think it really resonates, at least with me. asking how we got this way and how we got to this point is something i wonder a lot. it's like, "whoa! where did i miss a few steps and tune out for a moment and then end up here?!?!" i think it just goes to show how quickly and 100% an ed can take over, you know? not much to contemplate about it really as we can't change the past, but something to note for the future, once we ARE recovered.

and on that note, i think that's really the most important thing to focus on: recovery. cuz we're stuck with these stinkin' eds right now, and we don't know exactly how it got so bad, but the worst thing to do is sit around and feel sorry for ourselves. how can that possibly make anything better? we are STRONG, beautiful women who can fight this. every single one of us has that in us and yes, when we are recovered we will be happy. i think VERY happy. and lots of other stuff too: stronger, more confident, more relaxed.

i can tell from your post that you're sick of it and you sound pretty lost. we're all here for you when you need to talk, you know? i really recommend you get into therapy as soon as possible. you can't beat this on your own, and you're risking your life doing what you're doing. therapy will help you uncover what's really causing your ed and teach you mechanisms to overcome it. and you deserve that. you really do. good luck and let us know what you think.

I can't, I can't go to therapy. I just can't. I'm not feeling it at all. I know it's a health risk, etc. etc. But I have a friend (I know you are all screaming at your computers that a friend isn't the same thing as a therapist) who is helping me to eat better. He is comforting and gentle and patient. I used to only eat 500 calories a day, at best. I'm getting up to 750 now. Next week we are going to try for 1000. It's a stretch but maybe I can do it. I just want to be happy again, and not have to obsessively weigh myself or cry after I eat or stare into the mirror for hours. I know I weigh below the "healthy" weight range but in the mirror I just see fat. But I'm going to try and get better.

Just not at a therapists office.

I'm glad you have such a caring and kind friend, but i really can't back down on this one. i KNOW how hard it is to try and do this yourself, and i know how much easier it is with the help of a professional therapist. just keep it in the back of your mind for now, okay? keep working with your friend and getting those calories up, up, up; but try to get yourself thinking that this might not be enough support for long-term, you know? i think you can do very well and get yourself healthier with your friend's support, but i think at some point you will need a therapist to REALLY beat this thing. (which i can tell you really want to do.)

i'm sure you've heard it before, but "it's not about the food or the weight or the way your body looks." your ED is caused by something deeper and therapy is the BEST way to uncover that and learn to cope with whatever you're using your ED to cope with now. does that make sense? in other words, merely tackling the behavioral side of things (ie: getting yourself eating enough calories and restoring your weight to a healthy level) will not fully rid you of "Ed," as we like to call him sometimes.

anyway, i'm really glad you have such a supportive friend helping you and just keep raising your calories. i think 1000 is a good place to start right now, and then within a week, get it up to 1250, and then 1500, etc, you know? also, i just wanted to say one more thing about the therapist issue. you described your friend as "comforting and gentle and patient," yet you are 100% set against a therapist. let me tell you, my therapist is the MOST "comforting and gentle and patient" person supporting me as i recover. honestly, she is. she's also the person that pushes me and challenges me the most, but she's so kind and forgiving and honest and loving in her treatment. anyway, i just wanted to point that out for something for you to think about. therapists are scary, mean, forceful people (well maybe some are, but the right one for you isn't, you know?) they're everything your best friend is, PLUS they understand the disorder so they can relate and help you heal. good luck, hon, and work that 1000, okay?