My husband is in ICU right now, and it's looking pretty hopeless.

He suffered a respiratory arrest last Friday, and they had trouble getting a tube down his throat for oxygen. His heart is beating on it's own, but he is on a ventilator for breathing support.

They withdrew the sedatives on Sunday, and he did open his eyes and followed commands, but has not made any progress with his breathing. Today when they woke him up, he just had a blank stare...and that was it.

I'm losing hope every day, and I am having a difficult time knowing what to do at this point. I want to give him every opportunity to improve, but I also know that he does not want to live hooked to life support. I know they are going to force me to make a decision soon, and I don't know what to do.

How in the world does a person know what to do? What if he could pull out of this? What if I make the wrong decision?

If you have ever been in a situation like this...please tell me what you did and how you handled it.

Thanks

First I'd like to say I'm so sorry for what you are going through I can't imagine what it must be like, but my heart goes out to you. (((HUGS)))

I have never been in that situation but my best friends mother-in-law was in a serious accident several years ago and was in a coma for weeks followed by a vegetative state, she did have a few times where they thought maybe she was improving in the beginning but eventually she caught pneumonia from being in bed laying down for so long and she didn't recover and seemed to go downhill from there. She too did not want to be kept alive by machines, so once they saw there was a decline in her health and through various tests knew there was no chance of her recovering and living an enjoyable life they signed the DNR. She did hold her own for a long time to everyones surprise but eventually she did pass away...she lived 2 or 3 years after her initial injury.

I can't tell you what desision to make but I would be curious to know what the circumstances of your husbands respiratory arrest, was there something that triggered it like an injury or other health problem? And what are the Dr's saying? Before you make any decision have them do as many tests as they need to to confirm there is no brain activity that could signal a possible recovery in the future. I am praying for you and your husband. Goodluck.
(((HUGS)))

I was in this situation just last year with my mom and it stinks....I am sooo sorry. First of all, can you tell us why he is in this condition, age, etc.?

With my mom, we knew it was inevitable, she wasn't on life support, but she was non-responsive and it was up to us whether they continued to take measures to extend her life or we would move to comfort measures only. Basically, you make the choice to let them die. It's not easy. I can't say we did the right thing or the wrong...because whatever you choose, you'll always secretly wonder if you should have chosen the other one.

In my heart of hearts I know we did the 'right' thing...but it was agonizing and I wish someone else could have made it. It boiled down to what type of quality of life would she have. The way I figure it, if God had a miracle planned, it would happen no matter what, and if He planned on taking her Home, it would happen no matter what...He opted to take her Home. It was about 5 days before she passed away after we stopped life extending medical care. I know for a fact she was more comfortable prior to her death, than she had been in a long time.

That's the only thing that gives me comfort now...even now it hurts to think. And I wonder if we had done it differently if she would have made some miraculous recovery, but in my heart, I know it was just wishful thinking.

Can you have him switched to hospice care? We had my mom admitted to a beautiful hospice facility that was gorgeous...she always wanted to live in a cabin, and this place looked just like where she would have wanted to live, it just happened to be where we took her to die. She spoke to us and laughed for the first time in weeks, that night we had hope, the next day, she was in a coma, and the following day, she was gone.

The support from the hospice staff was awesome and helped more than we could ever say. They were so kind and attentive. They played harps, people sang if we asked, they fed us, they comforted us, they gave us all the tissue we needed, but they never fed us any false hope. They just quietly helped guide us through the situation and for that I will be forever greatful.

Do you have children? Are they old enough to understand this or be involved in the choice? Do you have a spiritual person you could seek advice and comfort from? Are you all alone? What can we do to help you sweetie? I will keep you both in my prayers and check in as often as I can. You are not alone, I promise you that.

One thing I did was left a basket of blank note cards in my mom's room and a note that asked people to share memories of her. It helped a lot to see her as others saw her and made me laugh when I couldn't bear one more tear.

I'll try to find the thread that we listed helpful tips on and bump it...it may be on the grief board...I'm just not sure how to post the link...

God bless, good luck and big hugs..............Angel

Thank you both for the responses.

My husband went into the hospital last Thursday because he was retaining a lot of water in his legs, and it was causing huge water blisters. He had a couple large ones that were getting infected and they were really hurting him.

He is 61, and he has COPD (lung disease) which we thought was just asthma for the longest time. They gave him some medication to slow his heart rate down a little because some of the respiratory medication makes your heart beat fast. Once they gave him that shot, he quit breathing. Unfortunately, he was up sitting in a chair when it happened, and there was a delay getting him in a position to put that airway tube in.

Angel77...I'm so sorry that you had to be faced with a similar decision in your life. I'm sure you know all too well the heart ache that goes with it. I have heard a lot of wonderful things about how the Hospice people care for patients and their families.

At this point, I am hoping and praying for more time. I don't want to make any of those decisions right now, but I also know they don't let you stay in the ICU forever either. He's quite a bit older than I am, and I just wasn't prepared for something like this at this stage in our lives.

Thank you for the hugs, Kierrasmommy. I'm sorry that your friend's mother in law didn't have a better outcome from her accident. That is tragic.

Thanks again to you both.

Sissypie, the edema in his legs could also be a result of organ problems. My mom's was somewhat in her legs, but in the end she took on about 40lbs of fluid in her stomach and it was extremely painful for her. Her skin also began to weep if we touched her on her arms. It was awful.

Is he well enough for you to speak to him? You may want to, as hard as it will be, find out what advanced directives he would want and have the hospital help you fill out the paper work. That way, it would be his wishes being fulfilled. I wish my mom had filled this stuff out. But we took her age for granted and it was left to us kids to do and it kills me every time I think about it. I wish we had known for sure. It would have been so much easier. I hope you fill yours out as well, so that if by chance, God forbid, something happens to you, no one else has to decide and live with it.

Have the docs given you any conclusive information on your husband's status? What type of support system do you have around you?

I'll keep you both in my prayers, may you find the answers you are looking for.............Angel

Hi Angel,

It sounds like your Mom really had some difficult days. It's the most frustrating thing to witness all these terrible symptoms, and not be able to fix it.

They have my husband in a drug induced coma. The ventilator is pretty traumatic for them, and they try to keep them as calm as possible. I still talk to him, but he is unable to reply.

They anticipate that he has about 70 pounds of fluid on him right now. This started with the use of Prednisone for his lung issues. It causes huge water retention in higher doses..and he was on it for 3 years. He was in the process of weaning off it when his legs started getting water blisters. It sounds like it was similar to what your Mom had to deal with. Lots of weeping of fluids.

They tell me that even though his heart is fine, it is unable to keep up with the demands of getting rid of such a large amount of water....and it's backing up because it's over working.

I don't think I will be able to make any decisions until we find out what his mental status is...and we can't do that until they take off the sedation.

The waiting game is the hardest....

I hope each day is getting better for you, Angel.

Hugs,
Sandi

I am so sorry you're in this position. My heart goes out to you. My only advice to you is to listen to the doctors. My mother was in a similar situation several years ago. She was on and off a ventilator for 5 weeks and her lungs had simply lost the ability to function. They had her quite sedated but you could see that she was very uncomfortable. The doctors finally told us that there comes a time when their treatment of a patient causes more harm than good. They said they could keep her alive for a while with the machines and she would eventually die, but what good is that? She would never leave that hospital bed no matter what. We decided to end her suffering and let nature take its course. She was removed from the machines and given enough morphine to put her out, and she slowly slipped away eighteen hours later. We all felt this was the humane thing to do.
I'm certainly not saying you should do this now for your husband. You have to talk with the doctors and let them do everything possible until there is no more hope. It is a very emotional time for you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am going through the same thing right now with my aunt. She went into the hospital Monday for a pain in her chest. Turns out she had clots in her lungs. They were transferring her from emergency to a regular room, and while she was walking to the bed the clots moved to her heart and she collapsed. They had to rush her into the OR and perform open heart surgery on her. She has not been awake since. This is very difficult for me because she is like a second mom to me. She has been with me for all 25 years of my life. I'm just not ready to say good bye. My heart is breaking at the thought of losing her so unexpectedly. She has been sick for a while with Crohn's disease and suffering from depression due to money concerns. It is so hard when people tell you to keep the faith, yet you still have to prepare for the fact that she may not make it.

I will pray that your husband recovers. Waiting for a resolution is torture and I would not wish this type of pain on anyone.

Princess,

I hope things improve for your Aunt. The waiting is the worst of all things. And then...there is not knowing who to trust either. I ended up not trusting any of them.

Unfortunately, my husband did not survive his ordeal. He passed away on August 6th. It certainly wasn't for the lack of trying...he put up a good fight.

It's so hard to find any words comforting sometimes. People mean well...but there isn't anything that can be said to lessen the pain.

I hope that the surgery will be a success for your Aunt. Keep asking questions...and make sure you are heard by the people treating her. You have to be her advocate when she can't speak for herself.

My heart goes out to you...I know how difficult this is. Don't give up the fight though.

Sissypie,

Thank you for your kind words. Sorry for your loss. The doctors say there is no brain activity, but my family is still holding out for that small chance she may recover. I'm not so sure, but who am I to dash anyone's hopes. The rest of her organs are fine and her vital signs look great, so who knows. My cousin and I are her power of attorney as she did not have any children and we are like daughters to her. So, it's on us whether to pull the plug or not. I pray God makes the decision for us. I'm hoping for the best and if God decides to take her home, I pray he prepares us and helps us to make it through.

Thank you again, and God bless you and your family.

Princess,

Making choices for someone elses's life is so difficult. Before my husband passed away they were wanting to do a tracheostomy in his neck, and I knew full well from previous conversations with him that he was 100% against having that done. I was about to over ride his decision to give him a chance to recover, and that's when he took a turn for the worse and passed away.

Sometimes I think that even though he was not concious, that he may have heard me talking to the doctors about doing the surgery. Maybe by letting go and passing away it was his way of letting me know that he was still the boss of what happened to his body. It was an agonizing decision in the first place, but now I'm glad that I didn't have to make it. I knew it was something he didn't want...but in my selfishness, I was going to have it done anyway. I was hoping so much that if he was angry about it...at least he would be alive to be angry. But...on the other hand...had he passed away during the surgery that I would have authorized, then I would have really been in a bad place.

Being the power of attorney isn't an easy place. I hope you were able to have some discussions with your Aunt before she got ill so you have some guidance.

You are in my thoughts.

Sandi

Well, God ended up making the decision for us. My aunt passed away yesterday morning. She had developed a fever and her blood pressure dropped rapidly until her heart just stopped. Apparently, when she collapsed her brain was without oxygen for 45 minutes. She is definitely in a better place. My focus now is to live right so I can see her again.

Princess,

I'm so sorry. I was hoping for a better outcome for you. I'm glad that you didn't have to make any decisions either. That's just a rough spot to be in.

My best to you and your family.

Sandi

Princess,

I'm so sorry. I was hoping for a better outcome for you. I'm glad that you didn't have to make any decisions either. That's just a rough spot to be in.

My best to you and your family.

Sandi