Hi all. I've known for years that there was something wrong with my mom. She was very forgetfull, useing the wrong words, couldnt tell us where she went, stuff like that.
Last week she was in a car accident, totaled her car. I made her come stay with me because she was so sore and brused from the air bag. By Wens. she was so "out of it" that I called her doc. I brought her in on Friday, he did a mental health test which she failed. He also did blood and urine test. He told me that this was the steps to take to see if its AD. All the tests are coming back normal. Mom doesnt realize or remember any of this.
I guess my ? is...Who tells her that she has AD. When is it no longer ok for her to live alone.
I feel so alone in this, I dont have any sibllings. I do have 2 kids, one is 23 and the other 17. My husband is no help, all he says is "I dont know".
What do I do, where do I turn for help?

Oh Craft Lady ........ first of all ........HERE'S A BIG HUG ............your in the right spot for them .........

2nd ......... we've ALL been in your shoes ........ so we know how you feel. Betrayed, guilty, frightened, angry .. grief .. disbelief ..... you've got every emotion charging through you .. and it's a pretty horrible time ...

That's ok ..

Step One: Find an Eldercare Lawyer .. GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT. Get a Power of Attorney happening NOW.

Step two: Make sure the diagnosis is correct and that all the T's have been crossed and the i's dotted .. get a 2nd opinion if necessary. Make sure all bloods have been done to disprove anything else.

Step three: (This is the tough one) talk to family and friends about your fears, wants and dreams for Mum. DONT' GET THEIR OPINIONS however .. just filter out who wants to help and who doesn't.

Step four: Do your best by YOU .. make sure she's SAFE .. it doesn't matter where. If you can handle her living with you .. fine. If you can't, fine too. Hunt down some excellent facilities nearby if you can ... and .. this is quite hard ....... NO GUILT .... in all honesty, if your mother could wake up with all her faculties intact for a short while and catch up with what's happened to her, would she want you to sacrifice yourself, your marriage, your kids to take care of somebody who isn't going to appreciate the interventions?

The disease WILL take over your mother .. until this miraculous little pill becomes available world wide .. we have no choice but to watch our loved ones slip away in front of us .... the body is there, but the essence .. yeah .. it makes it hard.

I'm sorry if I sound tough .. but having travelled this same road and seen so many others travel this same road .. the road is well worn and I'm putting out clear directions LOL

Hugs

I didn't tell my dad. I let the doctor do it. I knew my dad would say I was lying or something if I told him. I don't think telling your mom that just yet would help. She was in a serious car accident and then she was moved into your home to recouperate. She's under a LOT of stress with pain and all of the changes around her. If she DOES have AD, the stress of all of these changes may make her symptoms worse, at least temporarily.

I can't tell you what to do. But I'll tell you what I would do. I would wait until she is at least well from her injuries to tell her. And I would DEFINITELY go for the POA and do whatever I had to do to keep your mom from getting behind the wheel again.

This is such a heart wrenching disease. All of the feelings Sally discribed I've been through with my dad. But coming here and typing even when I couldn't let the words come out of my mouth has really saved my sanity.

BIG HUGS to you!

Love, Barb

Dear Craftlady,

welcome to this forum. It was a great help to me when my Mom first began to get 'funny.'

My opinion is that no one person can ever properly care for an Alzheimer victim. The person needs more help than one person can provide, and the caregiver is overwhelmed and overworked and loses perspective.

Can you figure out which stage your Mom is in using the "Seven stages" at the top of this Board? In my opinion, Stage 5 is the latest possible time to get the person into a good nursing home, family type home or anywere where she will have round the clock care, schooled personnel, etc.

Mom is between 5 and 6 and is in a good nursing home. Everyone is so much happier since she went to live there. I stayed with her for 5 years, but it became much too much for me.

I wish you luck. God bless all caregivers. The decisions we have to make are hard.

love,

Martha

I do have a POA already. Mom has had me "talk" for her for years now, so instead of filling forms out with each place every year we did the POA. At least that is done.
Mom has really stressed me today, shes back home for awhile. Shes called me so many times about the same thing today I feel like crawling into a hole.
Thanks for being here.

Hi - and welcome. Sorry you are having such troubles. I have a question, why was your Mom driving? I think the most important thing right now is don't let her drive ever again. I have an Aunt with AD and I know, easier said than done. She still drives and it scares the sox off of me. I can just see a lawsuit in her near future if she gets out and kills someone. We finally had to take my FIL car away and sell it - he was getting lost and forgetting how to even work his car. I knew he'd get out and have a wreck. Anyway, sorry about you Mom, yes, it will drive you crazy. I just talked to my Aunt, and she asked me same question she asked 5 minutes prior on 2 or 3 things. Then she said she was so glad she didn't have any memory problems!! She doesn't have a clue she has AD. WE do tell FIL he has memory problems due to mini strokes, and then we leave it at that. He knows when he's having an "off" day. Good luck and keep posting, everyone here can help you. C

:wave: Hi...It's me again... Here is an idea about getting her driver's license taken away. Go to the web site for your state government or DMV office and there should be a form to have the person re-evaluated for their license. In Michigan, you just fill out the form with the person's name, birth date and give the reasons you think they should not be driving. It is anoymous....(eventho you do have to put your name, address, and sign it.)

The person then gets notified by mail that they need to come in for re-evaluation. A friend of mine already filed this for her SIL (a young stroke victum) When SIL got it in the mail, she told my friend that she needed to go to the doctor for a check-up so she could re-new her license.

I immediately down loaded the form and sent it in about my FIL. Will it keep him from "demanding the keys or else?" No, but when he takes off in his vehicle, we can call 911, and they can pull him over. (Men with AD tend to be much more aggressive and obstinant when you tell them they can't do something.)

And P.S. I didn't even tell my husband that I sent the form in....I don't want anyone to know....they will all think the doctor or hospital did it. ;) He wasn't supposed to drive for 6 months.... and he was demaning the keys two days after he was released from the hospital!!!

In PA doctors are required by law to report any condition that would make a person an unsafe driver....I wish all states had that law.

Good luck!

Choquis

I wish all states had that law too! I think a dog could get a driver's license in our state if it could sign the forms!! My FIL doctor was no help whatsoever. He wouldn't even help us tell FIL not to drive. It really wasn't that hard to do with him, but my aunt is another story. She is very stubborn, plus, her son moved off and left her all alone. It's sad and very frustrating. Take care, C

Im not too worryed about her driving for now. She cant afford to get another car at the moment. And I keep coming up with reasons why she needs to wait to get one. So far this is working.
The doctor is doing more tests on her, he thinks that maybe the veins or arteries in her head are either swollen or constricted. He is also going to set up an appt with a nero doctor.
The blood test they did came back saying that her sodium is alittle low and her sedimtation rate is real high. Other wise her blood came back normal.
This might not be AD just dementia.
Not sure which is worse, both take our loved ones away.

Hi Craftlady,

Alzheimer's Disease is only one of the many forms Dementia takes. It is not worse or better than any of the others. My Mom has Old Age Dementia, but as far as care and treatment are concerned, she is under the label Alzheimer's. Maybe hers is progressing somewhat slower than others. But the way you care for her and the things she does and the ways you can handle it are the same.

God bless all caregivers!

Love,

Martha

Hi craftlady,

Listen to all who have talked before me. They are very wise and most have been thru more than me. Make sure that POA is a very good one, done by a lawyer and that you have copies with all the people and places that count. Dont do as I do , Do as I say!!! :<

My dad has know from the beginning that he had alzheimers and parkinsons. His family dr. sent him to a neurologist. Who moved his body and had him walk and talked with him and us and did the MMSE test.

But, that does not mean that he know what it means to have those diseases. For instance, he thought that by getting a pacemaker, he could drive again!!! Like it might make him well - on something that really is not exactly the same thing.

And you do need help. My mom has me, my sister and my niece. But, she is in great need of home care - like 1/2 day 5 days a week. Or if you work, adult day care, where you drop them off and pick them up. And that is just temporary.

Then you, like me, need to find the best care place for our family member to live. And I need to find one where my mom can visit and or live right next door.

Please start doing like me, I have my phone books out and am making calls and sending emails and such. I may even ask his family dr. if he knows of any places that are reallly good in their area.

Take care and try not to stress too much. Take some time for you too.

Love, Wannabe

The POA was done by a lawyer. She said we covered all the bases and should be good enough, Im taking the word of the lawyer so I hope it was done proper. Then again it must be because after moms doc found out that a poa was done and on file, is when he looked into what I had been telling him for years.
I found out today that there is a new assisted living home about 20 miles from me,(which is closer than mom lives now) Im going to check it out on Monday. Get some info from them. Figured it was a place to start.
Moms been having a few good days in a row now, its nice. Im going to enjoy her all I can when shes not having bad days, and remember my inner strength when it is.
For now she is going to come to my house Monday-Wen. The rest of the week there are other people in her life that are going to see her and help her as much as they can. A small family resturant calls her and picks her up to go there every other day. And some long time neighbors are keeping an eye on her for me. She also works every weekend cleaning a doctors office, there are people who know whats going on with her now, so they are keeping a closer eye on her also.
I think I have enough people informed of her situation that I can sleep alittle easer.

I have been down this road & we let the dr tell mom first, then we talked to her about it. She was angry, sad & in a way, relieved to know that she wasn't just "going crazy" and that many people have had this disease (including Ronald Reagan). It always helped to know about a celebrity who has had what she has. I was able to get her to kind of understand what was happening to her & that she wasn't crazy. The one thing I will say is that it won't get better & you need to gather every bit of strength you have to get through this. Mom will go through so much & become an emotional rollercoaster & take you for the ride. Do what is necessary for her safety & leave the guilt away from you. I am still suffering from guilt because I always told mom she would never be in a nursing home & I did not keep that promise. I have been crying on a daily basis watching Mom decline into what is now Stage 7. Mom was diagnosed about 4 yrs ago, but when we think back, she has had AD for about 10 yrs. It is heartbreaking & the best support I had wasn't at home, but on these boards. Nobody can understand except someone who has been down the same road. Not even our spouses. Keep in touch. There's alot of support here for you.