I just finished crying for about 2 hours. I feel like I've eaten so much. This irrational, SCARY feeling has just come over me that I'm going to wake up adn be a balloon. My friend says I'm still not eating enough. This still isn't good? I'd rather be hungry all the time then feel so FAT after I eat every single thing.

Breakfast: 1 cup multi grain cheerios, dry

Lunch: 2 slices light wheat bread, 1/4 cup egg substitutes, 7 whole grain low fat pretzels, Special K bar

Snack: cinnamon thin crisps, 4 tablespoons fat free frozen cool whip

Dinner: 2 slices light wheat bread, 4 slices healthy choice chicken, veggie wheat thins

Snack: sugar free popsicle with a glass of light cran grape juice

AHHHHHHHHHHH I feel so FAT. FAT FAT FAT. I know this isn't productive but oh well. I want to just scream and scream until I pass out. I can't do more than this. I can't even do THIS. That rounds up to about 900 calories - ACK!

I tell myself in my head, 900 isn't enough. You're okay. You're still eating less than most people. But the ED part of me is screaming, BELLOWING to stop, stop, stop!

I'm crying and yelling and tired of always fighting and the only thing that helps me sleep is the aching hunger in my stomach at night.

Jess, PLEASE, this is exactly why you need therapy. you can't do this on your own, sweetheart. that "ED voice" will keep taking over and telling you you've eaten too much and you'll wind your way back to restricting even more. get help. it's the only way out of this.

yeah, i guess. I don't know.

I'm not taking your advice lightly, jonistyle - just warily.

therapy? I don't know. But I'm going to continue eating around 900-1000 for the next week or so. If I can't get past it without crying every day... therapy is a possibility.

I'm trying to be open minded, I really am. I promise. I'm just stubborn, and scared.