will preface this by saying am TOTALLY safe and no worries on that front.

just got home a few days ago from our trip to england to meet for first time my four half siblings. it was the most fantastic time and i deeply wanted to stay there and not come home!

unusal things happened there re my mood and personality, which i will attempt to summarise!

here: obsessed with food etc
there: less so by far (not totally cured of course!)

here: unmotivated
there: lots of ideas

here: want to be alone as much as poss
there: felt connected to hubby and kids

here: bad body thoughts bad eating etc
there: more intense BBT BUT didnt impact behaviour as much if that makes sense


the most annoying part is i cant pin down WHY the difference, so cant replicate it here.

the other odd experience i had, which is RIDICULOUS in its lucidity is this:

just before meeting siblings i had this outrageous mental train of thought..

"panic, what if i dont look like any of them....who will i be....i wont be ANYBODY...i'll just have to be thin"

seems bizarre to me, even at the time, but the clarity of the thought progression was stunning.

well this has turned into a bit of a mish mash sorry, i just feel like i've been strongly denying i was down for months, and now i feel like i tasted happiness there, now coming home feels horrible. i know part of it is that with mum not around anymore i cant share the trip with her, but its MORE than that..if only i could nail it down...

and i'm not doing well with recovery to my shame. i even slipped badly and purged the other day, and ended up in total panic that i was going to die cos God would punish me for failing, ended up letting my husband give me a temazepam to get to bed early and chill out!

i am due for weigh in tomorrow and both hoping and dreading what it will be. i even nearly bought some replacement scales for the ones i ran over with the car!

i feel more intensely the battle for my mind...am totally torn between the ED and the desire to give up and quit this madness.

looking at the holiday video i can see the lollipop look and at times it is clear to me that i still have a way to go with weight gain. i just want to be FREE of this hell and feel like i am chasing my tail. i know living in england wont solve my problems, it just feels like it was like a blind person being given sight for a month then losing it again, yet there was nothing magical happened there

seeing T on monday to wade through it all!