Hi,

Thank goodness I have come across this message board as i really do not know what to do with myself.

My mum was rushed into hospital about 11 months ago with a perforated bowel. She was taken down to theatre and it emerged that she had a tumour in her colon which had been the reason for the perforation. She had no idea that she had the tumour as she suffers from ulcerative colitus and the symptoms are the same.

Anyway, she underwent 6 months of chemotherapy, once a week in the hope that the remaining cells could be blasted away. She was always smiling and keeping positive.

She went for a body scan about a month ago and was recalled this Tuesday just passed and was told that the chemo had not worked and that the cancer had spread to her stomach and her bowel and the rest of her organs apart from the liver and that there is nothing that can be done as it is too aggressive.

I cannot believe that this is happening to my beautiful mum. She is only 55 and has so much to live for. She watched her own mother die at the age of 49 of ovarian cancer and has always said that she is not scared to die but doesn't want to die from cancer as she knows how cruel it can be.

When she rang and told me the news i just collapsed in a heap sobbing and screaming that it must be wrong and that it can't be her!! I just lost it completely. My 5 daughters were just standing watching me sobbing and then they became upset also.

Since hearing the news I have done nothing but cry. I am trying not to get too upset in front of my children as my little one is only three. My teenage daughters understand and i hate seeing them sobbing too as their grandma is the world to them!

I cannot eat and i feel nauseous all the time. My head feels as though it is going to explode and i cannot sleep. All i do is cry or pace the house not knowing what to do with myself. I am a single parent so i have to be there for my children which i am doing as i know they are suffering too.

My mum lives about an hour away from me and i don't drive so it is difficult to spend a lot of time with her although we chat on the phone every day.

She is my best friend and i am not sure how i am going to survive without her and i don't know when i will ever stop crying and come to terms with it.

I feel so sad when i read of other peoples losses on here and i know that one day i will also be in the same boat as them and i am so so frightened. I am scared to see my mum suffering and getting ill. I am scared for her and i just don't know how i will be able to let go.

Any help or advice would be truly appreciated,
Much love,
Emma,x

I am very sorry to hear about your mother's news. My aunt, with whom I was very close, was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 47, and passed at 49 after two years' of ultimately nugatory chemo and radiotherapy.
The shockwaves felt around the family at her diagnosis were massive. She was, without doubt, everyone's favourite relative. She was a happy, successful, funny, talented woman with a job she adored, a son she lived for and had been married for about 10 years to a man she had met later on in life but who adored her. I don't say any of this "just because she is now deceased".
So I can sympathise with your feelings. However, unbelievable though this sounds, you will simply come to terms with it. No-one can say how long this will take. I firmly believe that a lot will have to do with how your mother is dealing with it. Whilst she may have said that she did not want to die from cancer, the fact that she said she does not fear death shows that she is a strong person. You should take your cues from her. If she deals with everything stoically and without complaint, then that will probably help you to do the same.
The initial shock is obviously tremendous, but as with everything else in life, each day brings about new feelings. There will be more days when you will rant against anything and everything about the unfairness of it all, and days when you will realise that this is something that just IS. There is nothing you can do about it, nothing she can do about it.
Make the absolute most of all the time you have, and try to be strong. One of the things that upset my aunt the most, was seeing the people around her being upset at the prospect of life without her. I always did my utmost to behave entirely normally, talking about things I was planning for the future regardless of whether or not it was a time she was still likely to be alive or not. She was genuinely interested in my long-term plans and happiness, simply disappointed that she would not be around to see them come to fruition.
Whilst I don't have children of my own, I would say that it is very important that your children interact with her as much as possible from now on, so that they have plenty of memories of her (this may seem difficult depending on how sick she is and you can ask her if she is comfortable with them seeing her while she is ill). As you've said that you don't get to actually see her all that often, then your children can maybe speak to her on the phone every day. They will have the contact, without necessarily having the heartache of seeing her illness at first hand.
Whilst cancer is indeed I believe one of the cruellest ways for someone's life to be taken away, it gives you one thing - time. Whether it's a couple of weeks or a couple of years, you at least get to talk and tell eachother everything you want to say, unlike with a sudden or accidental death.
Please accept my best wishes, and I can only hope that whatever happens with your mum, it happens with some dignity and as little pain as possible.

Emma x

Thank you for replying and giving me some much needed advice. I did think today that at least i do have the opportunity to tell her everything i need to tell her and to make lots of memories but then i thought to myself that i am being selfish as surely my mum would rather pass quickly then have to suffer in such a cruel way.

Obviously we do not know how much time my mum has left with us as she does not want to know that as she feels that it would be like having a ticking clock hanging over her and i agree too that if we knew it would be even more stressful than it is already. She says it should be quality over quantity and thats what she wants.

The sad thing is that she says that all she wanted was to see her little grandchildren grow up as she has 4 that are all under the age of 5yrs and that upsets her greatly.

At the moment she is not too poorly. She went to Guildford today to St Luke's Cancer Hospital as she has been given the opportunity to take part in some trials for some drugs to try and slow down the cancer. For how long i don't know but she says that she has to give it a go for us!!! I told her that it is her decision but my mum has always been one of those people who thinks about everyone else before herself which can be a little frustrating for those who love her at times!

She is obviously in quite a lot of pain but the dr says that as soon as she starts the drugs, she should become more comfortable. At the moment she is swinging between feeling calm and then the next minute, absolute terror at the prospect of dying! This upsets me greatly as i know i cannot take this fear away from her or help her but i can understand why she feels this way.

She called me today and i managed to have a conversation with her without bursting into tears but afterwards all i could think was how will i cope without talking to her ever again when the times comes. I know i should not look too far ahead as my mum has told me to take one day at a time but i cannot help looking forward and wondering how i will deal with things.

My mum is an extremely strong person but i think she takes everyone elses feelings and worries on board also and i know that deep down my mum is as scared, if not more, than the rest of us. Everyone who has been told of her illess including her friends have all said how unfair it is that it should happen to my mum as she is always doing things for others and never thinks about herself but then Cancer does not take these things into account!!

I hope that i can eventually come to terms with it but it is still early days and i still feel totally numb and shell shocked. My children have seemes a lot better today but then children are very resilient and accept things a lot easier than adults do. How i wish i still had that innocence that they have!

I have found it comforting to hear from you and your experience and i thankyou so much for the advice you have given me. I shall continue to use this board as a place to share my feelings as writing it down really does make a bit of difference.

Anyway, really must try and sleep as my head is terrible and i need to get through another day with my children,

With much love,
Emma,x

We buried my grandma three weeks ago - ovarian cancer. My mother and her were best friends..as are my mom and me. We spent every minute we could with my grandma before she went and were with her in the hospice as she passed. I feel blessed to have been a part of that. I am not sure that it has really sunk in for anyone that she is really gone. I know what you are going through. We knew the end was coming...sooner than later, but it was hard to come to grips with it and it still is. I know that it did us much good to change our way of thinking and not focus on what was coming, but to cherish every day. We never cried in front of her. We enjoyed every minute we had with her and saw it as a blessing to be able to say all of the things we wanted to say and to know she heard every one. Although her body was letting her down, her mind was as sharp as ever. We got to let her know how very much she meant to us and to recapture some of the magical times we had...Christmases, birthdays, even just trips to the mall or lunch. She left knowing that we loved her sooo very much and we were left knowing that she was not afraid to die. She said as much and we firmly believed her. I know she was at one point afraid...who wouldn't be? But she was a woman of VERY deep faith and she knew the best was yet to come. It was comforting to know that the suffering was over for her as well. That was hard to watch...but we got through it. I think about her several times a day and I am surrounded by many of her things which brings comfort. You will survive. My best advice is to stop thinking about her death and live with her....you will regret not having taken advantage of her life now. You will have plenty of time for crying when she is gone....don't waste the time you have left

Just wondering if it would help if your mum recorded a little message for you on a tape recorder. Then at least you would be able to hear her voice when she is no longer here. It may help your children remember her too. Just a suggestion if you think it would be a comfort to you.

emmalou-don't know if you'll even see this message-but wondering how you are doing. If you need a someone to listen to you-I'm here. Let me know-I've gone through the same recently, when my mom passed awayed in July. Let me know- Cher

Hi,

I haven't been on this board for a while but it was lovely to read the replies from such lovely people.

Unfortunately my mum passed away last Thursday 12 Oct. After finding out her cancer was terminal, she spent the last weeks of her life in hospital as she had a blockage and had to have a colostomy and then she became very ill as the cancer was very aggressive!!

I have just posted on the Colon Cancer board so thought i would pop on here before trying to sleep.

I would really love some help as i am not dealing with it at all well. My mum dies a few minutes before i got there as my trains were delayed but i did talk to her before on the phone and we had a lovely conversation and the last time i saw her she was cheerful but i cannot get the image of her lying on the bed after she had died out of my head!!!!

It is driving me crazy!!! I don't know what to do with myself at the moment as i just want to go to sleep and not wake up and when i am up i wander around aimlessly not knowing what to do!! Nothing interests me and i am also trying not to think of my mum too much as it will send me over the edge.

My family all live an hour and a half drive away and i have had to come home as my children have college but i am going back up on thursday night as the funeral is on Friday.

I am dreading it so much. I want this to be a nightmare and i will wake up from it soon. I cannot imagine my life without my mum. I miss her desperately already and it has only been 4 days!!!!

I need some advice from anyone to help me get through this as i am frightened that i won't be able to do it on my own!!!

Thankyou so much,
Emma