i am SO angry with myself. i feel like i am not making any progress. i am too old and too supposedly intelligent to be stuck in this damned hell trap, and to have been ensnared for nearly seventeen years is ridiculous.

i feel SO torn at the moment..more than ever. there is an immense battle in my mind and soul...one part is screaming maintain the weight, dont gain, watch what you eat etc etc

the other is yelling give it up, let go, nourish yourself, grab life etc etc

it is SO glaringly obvious which is the right and honourable choice, so why the HELL cant i just make it and be done with it

i am going insane with this madness and the hold on me. why wont the damn key turn in the lock in my brain!!!!

sorry for the venting just really at crunch time and scared i guess.

It is very hard. I understand what you are going through. Personally I've been helped by medication, which gave me the ability to have positive thoughts to combat the negative ones. I still have those negative thoughts but they are much quieter now and I am able to choose the positive one instead. Kind of like..."I want to skip breakfast, my (whatever) looks huge" gets overridden by "I don't want to lose the muscle mass I work so hard to gain, so I'm gonna eat." It is just an ongoing thought process of positive choices, and whatever treatment route you take involves learning to outmaneuver that part of your mind.

I 2nd what tallycat has said. I have a question for you though...are you currently in therapy? I'm just wondering cause if negative thinking is one of your big problems getting help to work on changing that would really be beneficial to you and to overcoming the E.D. Unfortunately i am not recovered from my E.D HOWEVER i have made a lot of progress after leaving inpatient treatment and one of the main things that i personally had/have to work on is getting stuck in this constant negative thinking and beating myself up and changing this mind to positive instead...it's not easy to change your thinking but it is possible, negativity is a big part of what keeps me in this rut so i know for me i need to change that so i thought i'd offer that thought to you :) I really hope you find the help you need...hang in there.
P.S It doesn't matter how intelligent you are or how old you are...eating disorders can occur with anyone. I'm sure most of the ladies (or guys) on this board are very intelligent too but yet still struggle greatly with the E.D so try not to think it makes you a stupid person cause it ABSOLUTELY doesn't....keep fighting to recover...keep trying, don't give up....recovery is a long process and everybody's length of recovery is different some people take longer than others but it has nothing to do with intelligence ;)

Absolutely, blondie...not to mention, eating disorders reportedly have a higher incidence in people who are of higher than average success/intelligence!

hi
funny thing is i actually dont have a lot of ed thinking...did anorexia thought qnnaire and i dont buy into most of the thoughts that maintain an ed go figure?!
yes i am in T but largely know it is my battle and the T is a backup only