pucca_chick
08-07-2006, 06:23 PM
This is far bigger than i imagined-long - Today, 11:15 PM
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okay ive hidden depression for nearly four years, sexual abuse at the age of 8-11, i was badly bullied, i have intrusive thoughts and image sumtimes, ive had weird habits-twitches,jerks and the need to move my body in various ways-usually internally tho so its not as noticable, i had sum mild obbsessions but mainly i repeat over and over situations and scenarios all day in my head and do nuthing else but, ive had panic attacks wen being placed infront of people, i have battled with eating issues, body issues, sumtimes i dnt wana go out cos i feel so ugly, i have cut,punched, banged my head off walls and almost commited suicide in secret alone, planned running away, i have bad anxiety(not a diagnosed thing-im just unbealavbly nervous even if i dnt show it), i cant look people in the yes wen talking unless i already know them or am drunk, i dnt like close contact, i think every1 is against me, im suspicious, i think of the worst things that can go wrong, i think ill screw up before i start, i cant count or read or write infront of others, i need constant reassurance for the simplest of tasks by myself-however much of this is absent in the presence of my family or freinds cos im comfortable with them-but they still dont know about the struggles ive listed, i also have a bit of a temper-okay its bad-but only with my family, i get out of control and scream hysterically(im 18'too old to do this), i throw things, kicks things and break sumthings occasionally,.
too my point, its come now the age were i have to find my own way in the world and i desperatley want to-but i cant cos these things hold me back. i try so hard to ignore them and push myself thru them or just bulldoze them outta the way not matter how much its hurting me to do it-but it never works. i like to do things myself without help but often need it and i HATE it. i do not ask for help, i feel incapable if i do, i shud be able to do things myself and i want so badly too. the probelm rite now is im caught in between being secretly depressed a bit still but mainly anxious-and having to find a job. i want to work i really do, i am not lazy, i work thru skool and acheive high grades, i dnt sit around all day and i dont wanna live off my parents anymore but at the same time i cannot get over these problems-im stuck and no1 understands cos they dont know and i cannot tell them. today i went to find a job, i really want one but i get so nervous even asking if they have a vaccancy, sum shops i cudnt even go into to ask-i began to analyse everyting, the people, the shop size, the tills, the products they sold and measure it in how hard it wud be to work there-it was overwhelming. im scared-what if i cant do anythign ever-im fighting myself and i cant win. people think im lazy but im just scared. i do not take critisism well-i try to be hard on the outside and yes i am numb to alot and it looks like i dont care and can handle it-but i shatter at the slightest comment. my dads a bit pressure crazy-i must be succcessful and cant be lazy-he thinks i just dont wana work but i want to work i just dnt know how ill handle it wen i cant even ask for vaccancies.there will be no sympathy if i tell them im scared and i know this, they dnt beleive in pscho babble and think people shud just get on with it-they know nuthign of hat has ever happened, no1 knows and im incapable of telling them, i cant give in either.
i always thought that wen im older that id be happy, for sum reason i thought itd get easier, id be out and in charge of myself but i now have the same problems with more pressure and more thngs to fuel them. i worked once a week in a charity shop for community service and was absoliultey wetting myself over the tills, the customers, i cudnt look at them, i cudnt interact properly with staff without seeming weird so i gave up and didnt speak, i cudnt use my initative cos i was so concentrated i wud do sumthing wrong and be shouted at(i was screamed at by teachers alot tho wen i was little for being thick). im going to UNi soon and after what do i do cos i dnt know how i can get a job. ive bin for two interveiws before and it wasnt good. i tried to ignore it going in. i felt i cudnt breathe, i was shaking, i cud hardly speak and i for sum reason felt trapped or on the verge of tears-but i got thru it, i eased up, it was difficult but i got offered the job but had to turn it down cos i did sumthing else in skool instead. but at times i just freeze up and cant even think or string words together.
im awful socially, alot of vaccancies put me off cos they asked for motivated and enthusiastic people-i am neither of these, im numb, dull toned and dont care much and i havnt the energy anymore to pretend, i feel disadvantaged but its my own fault but then i try to change it but i cant-im just trapped and people round me r screaming in my ears to get off my arse and do sumthing-saying the world is tough and u have to be hard-my parents r cocky of this, they laff in my face a bit wen they say the world is hard-like 'yea so get used to it' there is no symptathy, i have lost faith in most people, i have freinds i rely on but sum thing i will never trust them with-like my feelings for example,my veiw is every1 is out for themselves and at the end of the day they do not care about ne else but number 1, i cant give in i know but i cant move forward either.
plz help what is wrong with me-is this anxiety or what-ive always bnin shy, nervous for sum reason but thru events ive just lost faith in people-sumtimes i hate them and want to hide away and am angry at them all, other times im on a high and cant stop talking and being so confident, does depression etc hold u back in anything of thi sort.is this nething i shud c about, i do feel awkatrd aklot and like people r constantly looking at me and sxrutinzing me and am sure people talk behind my back that i barley know, but to look at im not a wide eyes crazy messed up trambling person on the verge of tears constantly, but alot of things r a struggle and im tired of analysing every detail of everything and having to not do things cos of it, like apply for small silly jobs cos its easier than facing one with more people in it. i have a group of freinds but am known for being socially awkard-i take patience to work with and im the butt of my families jokes for my shyness. plz help me sorry its long xox
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okay ive hidden depression for nearly four years, sexual abuse at the age of 8-11, i was badly bullied, i have intrusive thoughts and image sumtimes, ive had weird habits-twitches,jerks and the need to move my body in various ways-usually internally tho so its not as noticable, i had sum mild obbsessions but mainly i repeat over and over situations and scenarios all day in my head and do nuthing else but, ive had panic attacks wen being placed infront of people, i have battled with eating issues, body issues, sumtimes i dnt wana go out cos i feel so ugly, i have cut,punched, banged my head off walls and almost commited suicide in secret alone, planned running away, i have bad anxiety(not a diagnosed thing-im just unbealavbly nervous even if i dnt show it), i cant look people in the yes wen talking unless i already know them or am drunk, i dnt like close contact, i think every1 is against me, im suspicious, i think of the worst things that can go wrong, i think ill screw up before i start, i cant count or read or write infront of others, i need constant reassurance for the simplest of tasks by myself-however much of this is absent in the presence of my family or freinds cos im comfortable with them-but they still dont know about the struggles ive listed, i also have a bit of a temper-okay its bad-but only with my family, i get out of control and scream hysterically(im 18'too old to do this), i throw things, kicks things and break sumthings occasionally,.
too my point, its come now the age were i have to find my own way in the world and i desperatley want to-but i cant cos these things hold me back. i try so hard to ignore them and push myself thru them or just bulldoze them outta the way not matter how much its hurting me to do it-but it never works. i like to do things myself without help but often need it and i HATE it. i do not ask for help, i feel incapable if i do, i shud be able to do things myself and i want so badly too. the probelm rite now is im caught in between being secretly depressed a bit still but mainly anxious-and having to find a job. i want to work i really do, i am not lazy, i work thru skool and acheive high grades, i dnt sit around all day and i dont wanna live off my parents anymore but at the same time i cannot get over these problems-im stuck and no1 understands cos they dont know and i cannot tell them. today i went to find a job, i really want one but i get so nervous even asking if they have a vaccancy, sum shops i cudnt even go into to ask-i began to analyse everyting, the people, the shop size, the tills, the products they sold and measure it in how hard it wud be to work there-it was overwhelming. im scared-what if i cant do anythign ever-im fighting myself and i cant win. people think im lazy but im just scared. i do not take critisism well-i try to be hard on the outside and yes i am numb to alot and it looks like i dont care and can handle it-but i shatter at the slightest comment. my dads a bit pressure crazy-i must be succcessful and cant be lazy-he thinks i just dont wana work but i want to work i just dnt know how ill handle it wen i cant even ask for vaccancies.there will be no sympathy if i tell them im scared and i know this, they dnt beleive in pscho babble and think people shud just get on with it-they know nuthign of hat has ever happened, no1 knows and im incapable of telling them, i cant give in either.
i always thought that wen im older that id be happy, for sum reason i thought itd get easier, id be out and in charge of myself but i now have the same problems with more pressure and more thngs to fuel them. i worked once a week in a charity shop for community service and was absoliultey wetting myself over the tills, the customers, i cudnt look at them, i cudnt interact properly with staff without seeming weird so i gave up and didnt speak, i cudnt use my initative cos i was so concentrated i wud do sumthing wrong and be shouted at(i was screamed at by teachers alot tho wen i was little for being thick). im going to UNi soon and after what do i do cos i dnt know how i can get a job. ive bin for two interveiws before and it wasnt good. i tried to ignore it going in. i felt i cudnt breathe, i was shaking, i cud hardly speak and i for sum reason felt trapped or on the verge of tears-but i got thru it, i eased up, it was difficult but i got offered the job but had to turn it down cos i did sumthing else in skool instead. but at times i just freeze up and cant even think or string words together.
im awful socially, alot of vaccancies put me off cos they asked for motivated and enthusiastic people-i am neither of these, im numb, dull toned and dont care much and i havnt the energy anymore to pretend, i feel disadvantaged but its my own fault but then i try to change it but i cant-im just trapped and people round me r screaming in my ears to get off my arse and do sumthing-saying the world is tough and u have to be hard-my parents r cocky of this, they laff in my face a bit wen they say the world is hard-like 'yea so get used to it' there is no symptathy, i have lost faith in most people, i have freinds i rely on but sum thing i will never trust them with-like my feelings for example,my veiw is every1 is out for themselves and at the end of the day they do not care about ne else but number 1, i cant give in i know but i cant move forward either.
plz help what is wrong with me-is this anxiety or what-ive always bnin shy, nervous for sum reason but thru events ive just lost faith in people-sumtimes i hate them and want to hide away and am angry at them all, other times im on a high and cant stop talking and being so confident, does depression etc hold u back in anything of thi sort.is this nething i shud c about, i do feel awkatrd aklot and like people r constantly looking at me and sxrutinzing me and am sure people talk behind my back that i barley know, but to look at im not a wide eyes crazy messed up trambling person on the verge of tears constantly, but alot of things r a struggle and im tired of analysing every detail of everything and having to not do things cos of it, like apply for small silly jobs cos its easier than facing one with more people in it. i have a group of freinds but am known for being socially awkard-i take patience to work with and im the butt of my families jokes for my shyness. plz help me sorry its long xox