Joni-
I love your idea of having grocery store rules that I need to abide by whenever I go shopping so that I don't let Ed talk me into buying things that are "better" in his mind. I haven't really had a chance to try this out yet, but I did have a small incident today. On my recovery meal plan I am supposed to have "2 proteins, 2 grains, 1 fat, 1 dairy, and 1 fruit" for breakfast, as you know. And, as you also know, I have been cutting corners a bit on this.
It started out with 2 pieces of toast, 2 eggs, a little cheese, some butter, and juice. Now it consists of a lowcarb tortilla (50 calories instead of the 200 calories of bread), eggbeaters (instead of real eggs), reduced fat cheese (instead of full-fat cheese) and sometimes a latte (my dairy).
BUT I've been gaining weight on this!! I know I should still gain a tiny bit more, but I don't see any point in altering my meal plan that much if I am seeing results just the way it is.

I do have one small problem though - my cravings at night. They have started getting stronger and I think it is because I leave all my desserts and treats til nighttime. I don't allow myself chocolate, frozen yogurt, or really any treats during the day and I look forward to my after-dinner dessert every single night. It's almost ritualistic! It's usually frozen yogurt and some kind of topping. Tonight I went and got it with my friend (yay!) and I got peanuts as my topping. It was sooo delicious. But when I got home, I still wanted something else - something chocolatey!! So I ate a bunch of M&Ms and now I feel AWFUL. All I keep thinking about is the fat and calories in the peanut toppings and then the additional fat and calories in the M&Ms!! This is the first time my ED thoughts have been really strong since I left my outpatient program and I don't really know what to do. I'm sort of panicking b/c I don't want to restrict tomorrow because I know that would be detrimental, but I am just feeling like I've really gone out of control and I NEED to fix it quick. I am going to try and journal and/or meditate before I go to bed so I don't act on these thoughts, but I'm just really bothered by what I did.

On a more positive note, I have been SO much happier lately. I got a new job in LA and will be moving there in a few weeks and everything is really working out great lately. I just don't want my ED to start rearing its head again and hold me back. Any advice?
I also think that maybe if I varied my menu a little bit more I'd be more satisfied b/c I pretty much eat the same things everyday for breakfast and lunch. Do you think it would help to mix it up more?

Also, is it bad to eat eggs every morning for breakfast? Isn't that sort of bad for you??

LS- the reason your starting to get these crazings at night is because you've cut out calories during the day that your body needs. Like, if you didnt eat ALL day..what would happen at night? youd be friken HUGRY!! but of course in your case right now its on a much smaller scale. but still, the theory still applies. Follow your meal plan and you wont get cravings because you'll be nourishing your body and at night your body wont feel the need to make up for anything. you see what im saying? And about the egg thing..NO its not bad to eat eggs everyday.recent studies show that the cholesterol in eggs has very little effect on your bodily cholesterol. Plus eggs are jammed packed with nutrients. No worries.:)

You might be right, but I really don't think I'm depriving myself during the day. Yesterday, for example, I had that breakfast I described and then I had a snack and a turkey sandwich with avocado for lunch. That would be enough to hold most people over.

Today I had a lowcarb tortilla, egg beaters, blueberries and cottage cheese for breakfast. Then I had a large coffee and I a banana as a snack. For lunch I had 2 cups of mango chicken salad (chunks of mango and chicken basically) and cottage cheese and I just had an apple, 10 cherries, and some golden grahams as a snack. Cereal is still a really hard food for me. No matter what I feel bad after I eat it. Why is that? I just feel like it is such a "bad" food and it ruins my day when I eat it...unless it's like fiber one or something.
I have no time to exercise or anything today to make me feel better, but I DID do yoga and run 30 mins yeseterday so I don't feel too badly.

Am I slowly letting ED thoughts slip back in? I can't tell...but I really dont' want that to happen.

Hmmm...to me that sounds like a great meal plan, I have a similar one myself, lots of proteins and whole grains. Exercise is so good for your body and mind too, I am loving doing it for healthy motivations. I do think we need to take VERY small steps in working up to previously 'unsafe' foods and the slower you go, the more confidence you get as you add things.

I know there's some things I will NEVER be able to be around without panicking or binging, and that's ok. So I know what you mean about cereal. Honestly, I don't the desert is anything about calories or the rest of your meal plan, it's a special treat to yourself. I know it's hard to accept it for myself, but I think everyone indulges once in a while. So don't feel bad about some M&Ms - at least you had something fun! You don't do this all the time, I know the ED wants to jump at the slightest chance it has to grab a hold of you but remember how you are sticking to your plan the rest of the time! And I think a nightly dessert is fine, both my husband and I have a huge ritual of chocolate pudding :) It's a good way to hit that chocolate craving without having the real thing. Please try to forgive yourself, I know it's really hard. But you've built up a lot of self-trust in recovery and you've earned every bit - you can get through this.

Hi LS,

I think you are most definitely letting ED slip back in, and you have to stop it now before you have a total relapse. Please, please go back to following your meal plan. Don't think that you are going to gain too much weight--your nutritionist will keep an eye on your weight gain and will cut your plan back to maintenance when it's time. And if you are feeling like you have to exercise in order to "compensate" for eating certain foods, then that's definitely ED talking, not Lauren, you know? That's a big sign that your ED thoughts are trying to take over, so please try to fight them with everything in you. You don't want the time and everything you learned in treatment to go to waste, right?

I don't mean to sound completely negative, I really do think you are still trying, but with everything you've said, I'm just very concerned.

By the way, congrats on the new job!!! That's awesome and I'm really excited for you.

Hopefull will talk to you soon. I'm going to try to get back to this board more often, I really need it.

Dawg

Dawg,
Thanks so much for the congrats. I'm really excited about moving, starting my new job, and starting a new chapter in my life! I am feeling SO positive and happy lately, but I also still notice some ED thoughts slipping back in. But usually ED comes in at bad times in my life and I feel like he can't be coming in right now b/c I'm so happy and excited so I shouldn't be worried. Does that make sense? But whenever I'm in a new environment or things are changing I sort of lose my bearings and it's hard for me to see where I'm at right now.
For example, I don't start my new job full-time for two more weeks, but I had to go in yesterday and today for training. I brought in a sandwich for lunch, but noticed that I ate a "different"/smaller breakfast before work both days, and I didn't eat the snack I was supposed to eat at mid-morning according to my meal plan. I sort of feel like I'm past that - like I'm "better" now and I don't need to follow all of these rules anymore. Is that a misperception?

I still haven't weighed myself in a while. I've also started to become a little more pushy with myself about exercise. I'm definitely not overdoing it, but I get antsy if I can't or don't exercise when I (or ED) feel like I should.

I am so confused right now b/c I am SERIOUSLY not unhappy and I feel like I am doing fine and eating fine, but I"m not sure. I have lost my bearings with everything new that has been happening!!
Here - this is what I ate today. Can you tell me what you think HONESTLY.
Breakfast:
Banana
1 cup cereal
Regular nonfat latte
Lunch:
turkey sandwich on wheat with avocado, lettuce, tom, pickles, bell peppers
snack:
apple, grapes
Dinner:
chicken burrito (wheat tortilla, chicken, rice, black beans, salsa)
side of extra rice
dessert:
nonfat frozen yogurt with rainbow sprinkles.
**Ran 30 minutes
I feel really full right no]w and I feel like this was a good/full day, but what do you think? I'm so confused seriously.

Dawg- you scared me. The last thing I want to do is fall back into EDs hadns and let everything Ive learned go to waste. What should I do?

hey girl!

congrats on all the big, fun changes! where are you gonna be working? That's great that you've found something full-time ... and in LA, how fun! Are you going to be living alone or with roommates? do you know a lot of people there? (i need more exciting details!)

in answer to your questions, i DO think Ed is taking back control big time. really, i do. it's awesome that you're feeling so happy and relaxed and confident, but remember, you're not out of the "danger zone" yet, you know? and although our happiness IS an indicator of recovery, it definitely isn't the deciding factor. for example, there were many times pre-therapy/recovery when i felt 100% happy, relaxed, healthy, etc. but was i? (no way!) recovery DOES have to do with inner confidence/happiness, but it has to do equally (or even more, in my opinion) with a healthy weight, no more fear of certain foods, regularly eating enough, not overexercising, etc. and on those fronts, i think you're slipping big time.

are you still seeing your therapist weekly (or whatever)? if not, i definitely think you should be. probably a nutritionist now and again too. that meal plan you posted was (in my opinion) the meal plan of someone on a weight loss diet. yes, it was healthy and all that, but it was NOT enough food at all. i know you want to be "past" the meal plan point, but hon, you aren't. not at all. the only reason you feel okay with eating what you ate is because it's LESS than the meal plan would've been, am i right? you wouldn't feel okay with straying from your meal plan if it meant a BIGGER breakfast AND a morning snack AND a different/more food lunch, would you? the whole point of the meal plan is to ensure that you eat ENOUGH food. so the only way you can get past the meal plan point is to be regularly eating enough food (which you aren't). i would talk to your therapist about this and the exercise asap. you don't wanna slip back, you know?

anyway, doing good here in chicago. FINALLY, reached goal weight number one (hurrah!) now 5 more pounds to go! (unfortunately, Lord knows how long that will take, sigh...) my therapist hasn't changed anything in my meal plan, so i'm still counting calories like a maniac. i'm SO sick of it and i'm gonna start pushing to get some sort of plan where i don't have to count, you know? i know it's hard (probably impossible) to get the 3500 calories without counting them, but i hope we can work something out. i just want to be past that point, you know? anyway, have a good day and hope something i said helps!

Hey!!
To answer your questions, NO, I will not be living alone. I am going to be living with a friend from school who is actually best friends with a bunch of my friends, so it's a perfect situation. She's SO sweet, fun, down-to-earth, and we are totally on the same level when it comes to living, etc. I think it's gonig to be great!
My job is actually with an advertising agency in LA (yay, Joni!) and I'm going to be in Media Planning (don't ask.) There's a lot of new stuff for me to learn, but I think I can catch on pretty quick. I'm nervous though!!

I am still seeing my therapist, but I'm going to have to find a new one in LA. I'm also going to see my dietician from Outpatient before I leave just to check in.
I CANNOT believe that you JUST NOW reached your GW # 1, Joni! Congratulations!! But WOW, is your body hypermetabolic. Jeez Louise. I beat you and I'm still not even eating as much as you can!!
Do you really think that I'm not eating enough? Seriously - I REALLY feel like I am.
Today I was a lot better - closer to my MP and what I'm "supposed" to be doing.
For breakfast I had scrambled eggs (1 whole, 2 whites), a wheat tortilla, LF cottage cheese
For lunch I made a sandwich on 1 piece of sourdough with avocado, tomato, hummus and turkey and had nacho cheese baked lays and an apple.
I'm going out to dinner tonight for my bros bday and will probably have steak. Right now I'm still really full from lunch, so I'm not looking forward to dinner, but oh well.

I did yoga today but didn't do any hard core exercise, which I guess is a good thing.

I am not scared that ED is taking over, but I just want to get 100% past him. If I'm still seeing my therapist and I'm going to see my dietician, what else can I do to make sure he doesn't creep back in? I don't want to follow a meal plan for the rest of my life! But I also don't want to feel like a huge cow each time I feel full......

How is everyone else?
Joni, how is chicago?
Dawg, how are things going? Are you going to go back to outpatient anytime soon?
Girly, how are you?
Nat?
Pinstriped?

Hope you're all having a wonderful day!!
LS

:)hey everyone! sorry i havent been here in awhile but i have been reading everything. LS im happy to hear that you excited about moving and everything. This is going to be a wonderful change for you. i know your out of outpatient now but try to remember all the things you learned in that program to help you overcome this ed. Just keep pushing. O yea, and i had a dream that i met you last night. lol!!!

i have a question. i know im really far along right now but sometimes now im starting to get these urges to relapse. its like i WANT to relapse and put my life back in ed's hands. the thoughts only last for like 5 seconds at a time. but it kind of scares me.

well anywayz, i hope everyone has a great day. Keep posting!!

LS,
I don't mean to scare you, but I do want you to be aware of how easy and how fast ED can slip back in. Each time you have a small ED thought, it's easy to say "well, that's not that big of a deal, this little bit of exercise won't hurt", then "well, I'll just skip this one snack and make up for it later", etc. If you're having those thoughts, then you know what's really behind them, and that is: you (or I should say ED) are trying to regain some of the control that you had before because it may be getting scary completely letting ED go. You can tell me if I'm wrong, but from what I can tell, I think that's what's happening, even though you may not be completely aware of it. And by the way, I don't think the menu you posted was enough food by any means, certainly not for someone who is trying to recover from an eating disorder.

Yuck, I know all of this sounds so negative, but I just want you to get a handle on this before it gets bad. And like I said, relapse can happen fast, it has happened to me. I'm trying to get back on track, but I really messed up by letting ED thoughts take over more and more each day. I had stopped seeing my therapist and nutritionist, but I have an appt. with the therapist today, and I'm going to call my nutritionist today. I'm really glad you're going to see your dietician there one more time, and that you're going to find a new therapist once you're in LA; I really think those are key for staying recovered. Your new job sounds really exciting and challenging, which can also make it easy to forget about recovery, so please don't "put that on the back burner". I know I sound like a total hypocrite by telling you all of this while I have completely screwed up, but I really don't want what has happened to me to happen to someone else. And like I said, I am definitely trying to do something about this, I'm not just going to hand my life completely over to ED again.

Just one more thing--about the exercise. I know you really like to exercise. Well, me too, but when I started doing it again, I got to the point where I couldn't eat without exercising or else I felt too guilty. Anyway, my point is, I really should have waited until I was a lot further along in recovery before I started that again. Even a little exercise was detrimental for me b/c a little led to a lot more, which led to a way of purging for me again. I just wanted to warn you about that too.

Okay, I'll stop preaching now. All of that being said, I do want to tell you how very very PROUD of you I am for having come this far, and for having gotten your life back. Doesn't it feel great? I'm going to reach that point again too, and I can't wait.

I'll talk to you soon,
Dawg

P.S. Just wanted to say a quick "Hi" to Joni, Girly, Nat, and everyone else too!! Joni, congrats on the weight gain!! You're gonna get there, girl. Let us know what you find out about whether or not you get to stop counting the cals, I know that's gotta get old after this long!!!

I think part of me sort of wants that ED control to stick around because being completely out of control is so scary.
I've definitely gained weight, which is a good thing, I guess, but I can't imagine going any further. I still fit into the same clothes (although they are tighter) and the thought of not being able to get into them scares me. It's like I am comfortable with a little bit of progress, but any more seems unbearable. And I don't feel like I really have that much more I need to make.

The exercise thing is bothering me b/c I feel like I never accomplish anything. It's not that I am running for 4hours or pushing myself to the limit, but I just never feel satisfied with what I AM doing. For example, I went for a run on monday, went for a walk on tuesday, and then wednesday I told myself I HAD to run. And then I did yoga yesterday. And today, even though it would be nice just to do nothing, I HAVE to run later. I will feel too disgusting if I don't. And I get nervous knowing that I HAVE to do this and I really don't even want to! I know that sounds like total ED thinking, but it's not THAT extreme, so I have trouble thinking that's not normal. It's good to be motivated to exercise and tons of people go to the gym every single day!..right???
The part I know is not normal is that I am TERRIFIED of how I am going to fit exercise in with my new job that starts in 2 weeks. My hours will be 9-7 and I don't know how I'll ever fit exercise into that schedule. I will want to eat dinner after work and I probably won't have enough time to exercise before 9, so what will I do!?!? I'm really scared that I'm going to turn into gelatin or something sitting at my desk all day.
I know I sound psycho right now, but this is a true concern of mine. I hate that I even have to think about it!!!

It really scares me for you to read what you're saying b/c your thoughts are the EXACT mirror image of my own when I left treatment. Like you, I was okay with gaining the little bit of weight that I had, but I absolutely did NOT want to go up any sizes in my clothes. So as long as they still fit, I was okay. Then the exercise thing--I wasn't supposed to be doing anything more than a little bit of walking. Well, that didn't feel okay to me AT ALL, so I decided to run a little bit, and add weight lifting back in, then I started doing crunches again. Still none of what I was doing felt like enough, compared to what I used to do. I still felt very lazy for not pushing myself like I could be doing. Then my kids started back to school, and I freaked out b/c I couldn't think of when I would get to exercise (b/c I couldn't let my family know what I was doing.) I had been getting up after my husband left for work but before my kids woke up, but once school started back and they started getting up early, I didn't know when I would be able to fit it in, since I still have my 3yr old at home with me. Anyway, that was alot of rambling, but do you see where your thinking is beginning to be controlled by ED again?

I think you should discuss all of this with your therapist to try to head this off before you end up relapsing. I went to a new therapist yesterday, and she actually wants me to go back into treatment if I can't get back to following my meal plan and gaining some weight again. I'm going to a new nutritionist on Monday also, to help me get back to a meal plan again.

If you don't want this to all happen to you again, you really need to try hard to nip these thoughts in the bud, before they get bigger than you. I know how excited you are about your new job and the move to a new city, and I totally want you to succeed, but ED doesn't!! So don't let "him" ruin this huge opportunity you have in front of you--do whatever it takes to keep that from happening, okay?

Please keep me posted on everything.

XXXXOOOO
Dawg

I really don't want ED to get back in control, but I also don't see how I can be in control without him.

Today I am feeling awful because I went out drinking last night and am just being lazy and feel like eating all day today. I always get SO down on myself when I let loose and have fun!
Here is the thing - we started drinking for my friend's birthday at 6pm (early, I know!) so I didn't eat dinner. I had an apple, a banana and a latte for breakfast and a bowl of veggie chili with crackers for lunch. So I drank through the night without eating anything else, but then ate a couple of rice cakes with some cheese when I got home at midnight (first reason I feel bad - hate when I eat after drinking).
Then, this morning I got up feeling disgusting and ate breakfast at 7am (granola, cottage cheese, and a banana) then went back to sleep. Then I laid arond some more and snacked on cereal and finally it was lunch time (1pm) and I mixed up some tuna salad (FF mayo) and ate it on some pita chips and had an apple as well. In between my meals I also had a bunch of cherries and grapes and some dry cereal.
Now, I KNOW logically that what I have eaten is not "bad" nor is it a ton of food, but I feel so disgusted with myself right now and I can't understand why. I feel SO fat, SO out of control and all I want to do is plan to restrict tomorrow and go running to get back to neutral! Do you know what I mean? It's almost like I need to get back to this neutral point that I started at and I exceeded it by going out and drinking (calories) and having fun last night. I am also very aware of alcohol calories, by the way, and when I DO go out drinking I always get light mixers like diet coke and club soda, so it's not even as if I'm drinking pina coladas and feeling bad.
I'm supposed to go to dinner with my older brother for his Bday tonight, but all I can think about is how FAT I will feel after doing that b/c I already feel that way right now. I wish I could be excited to be going to dinner and spending time with him and not let my feelings about myself get in the way, but I really can't.

So, dawg, to answer your concerns, I definitely do still have ED voicing his opinion in my head, I just don't always listen to him. But sometimes I really do and that scares me.
I am definitely not too thin anymore and I do not want to gain weight. I have sort of backed off of my meal plan and I am exercising a medium amount - mostly yoga though.

I will talk about all of this with my therapist tomorrow, but to be honest, I'm more concerned with when I'm going to exercise today and what I'm going to order at dinner than I am about the fact that I am feeling this way - and that's a bad sign.

hey babe, at least you're aware of it! seriously, at least you're recognizing the way that Ed's regaining control (and he's doing it pretty quickly).

i think the most important thing you can say to yourself is "I am not better yet." i think you're trying to jump full-force off the meal plan and back into "normal," which, in my opinion, just isn't possible. heck, i've been in therapy LONGER than you and i can't even imagine just trying to live and eat and not freak out and eat "normally." you NEED therapy right now, you NEED your meal plan right now, you NEED to gain weight right now, you NEED to not over-exercise right now. really, hon, you do. you just aren't ready to get away from all that stuff yet and i think the overwhelming evidence of Ed taking control is proof of that, you know?

so don't be super hard on yourself about slipping and stop trying to take those giant leaps forward, babe! baby steps, really, that's all you can do right now. meal plan, you CAN do that. therapy, you can do that. relaxing, and just BEING, you can do that.

i feel like i'm sort of rambling and talking in circles but i think the most important thing i'm trying to say is just STOP. stop, rewind, get back to the meal plan and therapy and remind yourself that you are not recovered yet. you are still RECOVERING and until you are past that point, it's gonna be tough, you're gonna have to follow certain "rules/plans," etc.

i really hope this makes sense and helps somewhat. check out the other thing i'm gonna post on these boards, i need some help!

The thing is, I truly don't feel like I deserve to be on my meal plan anymore. I am not as afraid of eating as I was before and I feel like I let myself "indulge" more easily. It honestly makes me so angry with myself.
I am still thinking about the other night when I came home drunk and ate that granola bar and those rice cakes with cheese. It is STILL bothering me 2 days later. I wanted to run yesterday to make myself feel better, but I couldn't b/c I got a side ache so I just walked.
I want to run today, but I'm not sure I'll do it. I just feel like I have gotten to this point where I have no control of my urges and I am just binging, even though I'm not.
I ate my normal breakfast this morning (lowcarb tortilla, eggs with LF cheese, some grapes) and for lunch I had 20 mini white cheddar rice cakes, about 4 oz of turkey with a tomato, and 1 tbsp spinach dip. Then I ate a plum. Now, I am thinking about a) how much fat was in the spinach dip, b) did I eat too much turkey? c) did I eat too much cheese in my eggs this morning? and d) when am I going to be able to run today??? I am SERIOUSLY obsessing over each and every little thing. But since I can't stop myself from actually eating certain things like I used to, I now eat them and then feel like a cow.
How can I possibly justify eating the meal plan if I DO NOT need to gain weight and am eating enough food as it is!? I just can't. I am so confused about what to do....I feel really out of control.

You ARE out of control..that is to say that ED in back in control. That's all it comes down to..youve modified your plan so much that you think eating what you are is "normal" and its not and you aren't just slipping back into your old habits theyre already there and you arent going to want to admit it. I know youre excited about leaving and all but I think that its likely that that is putting a little more pressure on you and you are lettng the ED slip back in and hes doing it quickly. You need to get serious help before you leave, if you still consider leaving a great option.. :S

Hey lady...you need food to survive, ok? I know it's really basic, but we tend to get away from it. We don't have to 'earn' food even though that voice tells us to...it's something your body needs to move, think, repair, and continue to function! I'm terrified of binging too...I find that sticking to the meal plan really helped me to stop. It didn't leave what I needed to eat open to interpretation; just like filling up the car to take a drive, this was what I needed to do to exist. Hang in there :)

LS,

Okay, you need to take a step back for a second...think back to what you learned in treatment. Are you separating your emotions from your food? It doesn't sound like it, and that was one of the biggest things I learned when I was in treatment. Just think of food as fuel, nothing more. Your meal plan is in place for a reason, all you have to do is follow it. You will feel much more in control if you just stick to the plan. You have definitely NOT reached a point where you can just "eat normally", as much as you may want to think so. That is exacly what I did, and everything just started to spiral downward again. Can you see that ED has almost completely taken over your life again? Everyone here on this board sees it, so I hope you can too. You're obsessing over everything all over again, the food, the calories, the exercise, and how much of each one is too much or too little. Stop ED in his tracks NOW, get back to your meal plan, and get back to your therapist---please don't try to ignore this! I went to see a new nutritionist tonight, and she gave me the kick in the butt that I needed, and put me back on a meal plan. Now I'm not in the least bit happy about having to eat all of this food, BUT, I do feel more in control now--as long as I stick to the plan, I'm not worried about binging on something that will make me feel even worse about myself later.

Please listen to what everyone here is trying to tell you, LS. Picture yourself with outstretched arms being pulled in opposite directions, ED's on one side and we're all on the other...don't let ED win!!!

I saw my therapist yesterday and I told her how I am feeling. She got me to see the realistic side of things a little bit, but I still feel like I am really out of control.
You are right Tallycat - eating my meal plan is a good way to keep from binging and to stay in control. I think I basically am, but I'm just altering it a little bit. This morning I had a luna bar, a nonfat latte, and a banana. Technically, that is 1-2 grains, 1 protein, 2 dairy, and a fruit, I guess.
I did yoga and ran yesterday and that made me feel a lot better. I think that as long as I can do my yoga and exercise I feel ok about eating more. It's just the idleness that gets to me.

What if I can never get rid of these feelings? What if I worry about food and guilt forever? How sad would that be....I don't want that to be the reality...

I am so glad to hear it. Well, at first I clung to my meal plan like a lifeboat in a sinking ship; now, I'm sort of progressing to the point where it's more annoying than comforting to count everything up. I'm aware that I can stick to the plan, but I've started to trust - yes trust! - myself around food enough that I can be more flexible. Healthy control! Ultimately, I think the way you get there is a loooooooooong series of small steps that build that trust with yourself. Exercise is really good for creating a healthy mind/body connection too; it makes you see food as fuel and gives you a positive gauge (energy level) to reward healthy eating. Take care and just tackle one thing at a time, ok?