presson
08-10-2006, 02:25 AM
i really feel stuck
like i just CANT find the issues below the ED game and dont know if that means i am not ready for this board and i need to leave until i can find more to work with
thought i'd share what I DO know and let any amateur psychologists feel free to jump in!!!
* i grew up with a background of emphasis on appearance and weight ..not strong but a subtle presence
* i have a half sister who was always overweight and i was "better" cos i was smaller
* when i gained the university weight it was the only time i felt my mother disapproved of something about me. that sensible diet turned ugly and seventeen years later its no better
* i was adopted by my maternal grandparents (who i worshipped and miss my (grand)mother intensely). recently went to england to meet my half sibs on my biol fathers side. he had skipped out on them while children so they didnt know him either. in an album was a letter he had written talking bout his years after he left (they tracked him down). he talked about my half brother (second wife's child) then about coming to new zealand for four years.he didnt even mention he had another child ie me. AND i thought he left NZ when i was a baby, not when i was nearly four.
i have always seen him as sperm donor only and certainly never wanted to meet him, only siblings. yet when i read that i burst into tears and felt like a piece of ****..not even worth mentioning. my other T says maybe he didnt want them to know he had ****ed up YET another relationship, but it really hurt and i dont know why..i never lacked for parents or love
* hubby was unfaithful while dating but not since, but it did upset me at the time
* lost a baby in two thou and three a missed miscarriage (we had three children at that time)
* my beloved mum diagnosed with cancer when i was eight months pregnant with our youngest and she died when he was eight weeks old..he is now twentytwo months
* i have always been a nervy anxious child who was always terrified of losing my parents as i was aware they were older.
* always scared of dark/death and this now shows itself as paranoia about my heart which starts as soon as sun sets!
* have some borderline traits..push/pull in relationships
* go from nought to a hundred in anger scale fast as and find it hard to come down. dont emotionally regulate easily!
* no history of abuse of any kind
* struggle immensely with assurance of salvation in my Christian life
this all just seems to add up to NOTHING workable???!!!
i honestly dont know. i dont know if things are truly ok, or if i am SO out of touch with my pain i dont know its there. i know i get triggered into thoughts i will at other times deny to the end that i hold eg i get triggered into feeling worthless, yet most of the time i feel ok about myself and that i do have worth (inherent). T thinks i hold schema of abandonment, emotional deprivation and relentless standards???
like i just CANT find the issues below the ED game and dont know if that means i am not ready for this board and i need to leave until i can find more to work with
thought i'd share what I DO know and let any amateur psychologists feel free to jump in!!!
* i grew up with a background of emphasis on appearance and weight ..not strong but a subtle presence
* i have a half sister who was always overweight and i was "better" cos i was smaller
* when i gained the university weight it was the only time i felt my mother disapproved of something about me. that sensible diet turned ugly and seventeen years later its no better
* i was adopted by my maternal grandparents (who i worshipped and miss my (grand)mother intensely). recently went to england to meet my half sibs on my biol fathers side. he had skipped out on them while children so they didnt know him either. in an album was a letter he had written talking bout his years after he left (they tracked him down). he talked about my half brother (second wife's child) then about coming to new zealand for four years.he didnt even mention he had another child ie me. AND i thought he left NZ when i was a baby, not when i was nearly four.
i have always seen him as sperm donor only and certainly never wanted to meet him, only siblings. yet when i read that i burst into tears and felt like a piece of ****..not even worth mentioning. my other T says maybe he didnt want them to know he had ****ed up YET another relationship, but it really hurt and i dont know why..i never lacked for parents or love
* hubby was unfaithful while dating but not since, but it did upset me at the time
* lost a baby in two thou and three a missed miscarriage (we had three children at that time)
* my beloved mum diagnosed with cancer when i was eight months pregnant with our youngest and she died when he was eight weeks old..he is now twentytwo months
* i have always been a nervy anxious child who was always terrified of losing my parents as i was aware they were older.
* always scared of dark/death and this now shows itself as paranoia about my heart which starts as soon as sun sets!
* have some borderline traits..push/pull in relationships
* go from nought to a hundred in anger scale fast as and find it hard to come down. dont emotionally regulate easily!
* no history of abuse of any kind
* struggle immensely with assurance of salvation in my Christian life
this all just seems to add up to NOTHING workable???!!!
i honestly dont know. i dont know if things are truly ok, or if i am SO out of touch with my pain i dont know its there. i know i get triggered into thoughts i will at other times deny to the end that i hold eg i get triggered into feeling worthless, yet most of the time i feel ok about myself and that i do have worth (inherent). T thinks i hold schema of abandonment, emotional deprivation and relentless standards???