Just wanted to discuss my mom's placement. I placed her yesterday; it was the hardest thing. I went ahead before bringing her in and set up her room which looked different than when I visited the week before. I had my mom's suitcase in my hand...and hesitated opening it. I was actually thinking ...I can't do this. My husband took the suitcase out of my hand and opened it. I set out her stuff and just held it all in. I went to pick her up and figured she would see the place and question why we were there. To my surprise ....she didn't even notice where we were. I guess I keep thinking she is oriented to present but ...We went inside and she never asked why we were there. We had lunch and the nurse suggested we leave. They would complete her assessment and let her start getting used to the place. I hugged her and kissed her and she didn't even react to our leaving--she kept eating her food.

We had forgotten a few personal items so we had to come back. My husband offered to do it; he felt it would be too difficult for me....he was right...I cried leaving; I cried at her home; I cried at my house. I asked him to call me about how she was doing. He saw her and he said she saw him and asked "do i know you?" he said yes and gave her his name. She responded "oh, yes I know you." (but my husband felt she didn't really know him or that he was her son in law--who she has always adored) She then said I am waiting for the dr so they can finish my exam and then I'll be going home. She is in a locked unit.

It breaks my heart just writing this...I haven't slept well all week or last night. I kept dreaming of her. I wonder how her night was, how or what she is thinking today. I wonder if she has asked for my sister( 44 y.o. Down's who she cared for all her life). She had begone to forget who she (my sister) was.... This is just so hard. It has been 24 hrs and they suggested I wait 2-3 days before visiting. I want to call to check on her and then I don't want to call....what if she is having a terrible time...etc. I feel guilty as it is....

I have moved in my sister and we slowly getting her settled in her new room and new surroundings. We are all adjusting. She actually seems to doing well with the transition ...so far...I think she was ready - she lived in the middle of mom's obsessive and many times erratic, agitated state...so this may be a rest for her.

Well, thank god for this board. I have used it so many times and in making and preparing for this...I really found the support and advise so very helpful. I continue to take it one day at a time.

The day we placed my ex-charge I was a mess.

I too had taken the suitcase with goodies in it (and this was only RESPITE, but I knew it would be leading to full placement - I knew I still had the chance to reject placement at this stage), and unpacked it, and cried. I remember thinking I was feeling like a rat deserting a sinking ship. I hated placing her, I hated having to place her, I hated this disease for making it too hard to have her at home anymore, I hated the whole dang deal.

I got somebody else to take her to the Nursing Home, my husband and I simply couldn't and there was nobody else who could (or would for that matter) so the Gov't department who had assessed her did it for me THANK HEAVENS.

But I fretted. I cried. I beat myself up. I suffered horrendous guilt ... I cried ... the staff were brilliant with me .. especially Nursing Home NO. 2 when Nursing Home NO. 1 rejected my ex-charge after only 1 night!!!

I was in a panic .. I cried .. guilt .. I cried .. fretted .. I cried ...

But after 4 days of constant ringing to see how she was and getting reports back .. I took a well earned holiday .. and didn't pop in to see her until I FELT comfortable going there. It was still hard, but the change was remarkable.

My ex-charge had gone from angry and defiant and miserable to clean, tidy, smelling nicer, happier disposition and pleasant to be around .. which then made me think "OMG .. I was doing such a rotten job" but then remembered that I had it 24/7, and had no breaks where the staff here were rotated which helped.

It was the HARDEST thing to do, but the KINDEST thing to do ... didn't help my guilt of course, but it was justified.

Anyway,this is my long-winded way of telling you your OK .. your feelings are OK and your Mum will be FINE .. just give it time ... and be gentle on yourself too.

Oh .. and crying is good for you within reason LOL

Hugs

Dolores,

Bless your heart! I understand, too, and have been there, cried buckets, and done that, and cried an ocean. They say that the oceans around the world are rising due to global warming, but it may be the tears of those who love someone with Alzheimers, another dementia, or illness......

When my mother had to be move to a locked unit, she didn't notice either. She was fine. I was a mess. The "responsible daughter" had failed. No No NO!! I had done what was best and safest for Mom and she blossomed under the regular schedule, calm, and good care. I wrote about all of Mom's reaction on Jess' recent topic.

Others may have mentioned this, but this is a no guilt area. Say what you need to. No guilt. Make the best decisions you can at the time - then, no guilt. No kicking yourself because you couldn't fix everything back like it was. You may have heard this already, but it bears repeating.

I've been absent in recent weeks as it's almost the 2nd anniversary of Mom's death and her home is going on the market. As an only child, it's been a job and a tear-jerker all over again, so it was too much to come here and may be again in the coming weeks. Time will tell.

You've come a long way in the last year and a half and you've done well. Your mother is safe. You sister is safe. You are probably more right than you can imagine that your sister feels better and happier in the tranquiltiy and haven of your peaceful home. You and your family have provided a wonderful gift to her.

If my course through this is anything to judge by, the tears will lessen a lot in a very few weeks as you see how your mother is really okay in her new home. They'll well up occasionally for years and that's okay. My granny used to say "Tears show clear what the heart holds dear."

As Sally said, be gentle with yourself. Be as loving with yourself as you are to others.

(((((((hugs)))))))) Barbara

Congratulations and big ((((((HUGS)))))))

You did it! You did the hardest thing, and it worked out well. Your Mom is in a safe place, your sister in away from the chaotic dementia household where none of the old rules ever apply, and all of you will settle down to a new, happier life. Pat yourself on the back, you accomplished something hard but needed.

Now you will find peace.

Love,

Martha

I wish I could just hug you all... I'm a social worker in a nursing home and many of our resident's have some form of dementia, be it mild, or severe. It sounds as if your folks or loved ones are well placed, and safe. It's so hard to be a caregiver. You just can't be 24/7. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, because you really are doing the right thing. And you would never leave them where you thought they were not getting the proper care or treatment, right? And, the plus is that so many of the dementia specific units, especially, have more staff to give attention to the resident and have better activities to keep their minds active.
I really hope this gets easier for you. I wish you the best. ;)

Hoping for a cure!!
B

Nursing home placement is probably one of the toughest decisions you will ever have to make. For me, coming to terms with the fact that I couldn't take care of my Mom alone, was even a bit worse. We woman feel we can do everything and do it perfectly, and recognizing and admitting to ourselves that we cannot, is a huge hurdle to overcome. Having taken several weeks and many sleepless nights, and much soul searching to get to that realization, I think we adult children who love our parents and are devoted to them, owe our parents a safe, kind and gentle place to live, and we owe them support, many visits, and all the love we can possibly give to them. If we can do that for our parents, we have been a success. Sycamore Tree

thank you all for the words of support. It has been 5 days and Sycamore you are correct....it is so hard.

I have seen mom a couple of times and she knew who I was everytime. this made me begin to question whether she really belonged in the nursing home. I guess I saw signs of my mom and she recognized me... although on the other hand she believes she is in the hospital and awaiting the doctor's discharge. The staff said she seemed to be doing well; she slept well the first 2 nights but wandered throughout the night on the 3rd nite. When I saw her the next day, she seemed tired and more agitated. I requested a consult from the nh's psychiatrist and he ordered a ct scan and made just minor changes on her meds so I am unsure if this contributed to her agitation.

I guess I keep having moments of doubt; is this where she should be? was it the right decision for her? in reality, I don't know what else I could have done. After I placed her, my father in law told me that he had found her walking down a main street near her house. He stopped and asked her where she was going and she said to my daughter's house (which is on the other side of town). She did not know who he was until he introduced himself and he offered to take her home. He told me he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to worry me. ( my first question is where was my help who I paid to be with her all day!) Anyway, I am see sawing between this is the right decision and maybe not. My emotions are all over the place.

My sister though seems to be doing really well. Although right now, she does not want to go see mom. I think she will need some more time before she is ready to go see her. I can only imagine what her day in day out life was like.....She has adjusted well so far to our home and I figure I'll see how she does in the next few weeks. For her, I think it was the right decision.

I know my decision involved what was best for both my mom and my sister....I guess I am just dealing with having made the decision I made for mom. I know everyone tells me this is what is best for her ...and I know my emotions are raw ....I just need the time to adjust.

Sorry this was so long .....I guess I am just trying to process this whole situation.

Dear Dolores,

You did the right thing! The only thing! Your Mom is adjusting better than most people. It is the hardest decision you have to make, but you did it. Taking her back out would be super confusing to her and make everyone's life much harder, just as you are beginning to adjust to the new situation.

You had a good question - where was the paid help when Mom was found wandering on the street? Your Mom probably slipped out .. maybe the paid help was busy somewhere else in the house or having a little nap ... THIS cannot happen where she is now! Mom is safe! Thanks to you. It will work out fine, just have patience.

love,

Martha

We were saved having to have my Dad make the decision to put Mom in a home when she fell and couldn't get back up. Dad called 911, the EMTs take her to the hospital. Turns out Mom had to have a partial hip replacement. Because she required one on one care in the hospital, she was sent to a locked unit. It was both the best and the hardest thing we have had to do.

I am an only and live 2100 miles from my parents. Mom and Dad wouldn't move out to be near us when they were healthier and now it's too late to move Mom or Dad.

I call the nurses station 4-5 times a week and check on Mom and have developed a great relationship with her primary nurse. This has eased the pain, but not the guilt. My contact with the nursing home helps them to know that I am only a call away also. When I go home every 3-4 months, i check on mom's toes, her hair, etc. This lets them know that we care about her and her health.

The only way I can handle watching my parents fail is when i have to do something, such as move them, is to pretend that they are someone elses family. this way I can get through the tough time...then bawl like a baby for days afterwards.

You know, your parents aren't suppose to age or get sick. I had 2 back surgeries within a week a year ago...and I wanted my Mom so bad...but the mother i want is no longer here. And the mother who so rejoiced in being a Grandmother isn't going to know her great-grandchild..and i can only sit by and watch her slip father and father away and watch my father watch his wife of 63 years slip farther and farther away from him. I have to keep telling Dad that Mom will not be getting better and she won't be coming back to live with him. Why do I get to be the bad guy?

I guess the bottom line is you get through it however you can. You just try to do the best you can and leave the rest in the hands of a higher power. God help us all....

We were saved having to have my Dad make the decision to put Mom in a home when she fell and couldn't get back up. Dad called 911, the EMTs take her to the hospital. Turns out Mom had to have a partial hip replacement. Because she required one on one care in the hospital, she was sent to a locked unit. It was both the best and the hardest thing we have had to do.

I am an only and live 2100 miles from my parents. Mom and Dad wouldn't move out to be near us when they were healthier and now it's too late to move Mom or Dad.

I call the nurses station 4-5 times a week and check on Mom and have developed a great relationship with her primary nurse. This has eased the pain, but not the guilt. My contact with the nursing home helps them to know that I am only a call away also. When I go home every 3-4 months, i check on mom's toes, her hair, etc. This lets them know that we care about her and her health.

The only way I can handle watching my parents fail is when i have to do something, such as move them, is to pretend that they are someone elses family. this way I can get through the tough time...then bawl like a baby for days afterwards.

You know, your parents aren't suppose to age or get sick. I had 2 back surgeries within a week a year ago...and I wanted my Mom so bad...but the mother i want is no longer here. And the mother who so rejoiced in being a Grandmother isn't going to know her great-grandchild..and i can only sit by and watch her slip father and father away and watch my father watch his wife of 63 years slip farther and farther away from him. I have to keep telling Dad that Mom will not be getting better and she won't be coming back to live with him. Why do I get to be the bad guy?

I guess the bottom line is you get through it however you can. You just try to do the best you can and leave the rest in the hands of a higher power. God help us all....

Dolores,

Welcome to the club! Please understand that your uncertainty and second guessing yourself is 100% normal for this soon after placement. Give it time.

When mom was moved to a locked unit, I was asked not to visit her for a whole week so she could adjust. It really worked well for my mother. The staff told me I could call and check on her (not talk to her) as often as I needed to so they understood my needs, too. When I saw mom, she was glad to see me and happily showed me around the "boat". She hadn't known me for months and had lived in an assisted living facility for the previous 7 months - until she wandered away.

I'd gently suggest you step back, not visit, and give your mother time to adjust, too. It will make this time less confusing for her.

(((((( hugs )))))) Barbara

It was the hardest thing I ever did....My dad and I found the loveliest place for mom, but she was so young! We took her for a visit. She would say, "I know I have to do this for Dad. He is so tired! But, there are just old people here!" (She was in her late 60's and in perfect physical health)

The following is just one of the situations that took place that made Dad & I realize we had to find a safe place for her. Every morning she would always come to my house before the kids and I left for school...(me being a teacher). One morning, I was still in the bathroom and one of the kids yelled to me...."Grandma's here!" I replied...."okay, I'll be right out"... Then my kid came to the bathroom door and said..."Mom, Grandma's here!" I repeated...."I'll be right out!" "YOU HAVE TO COME NOW!"

I went out and found my mother, dressed only to the waist...She did have a bra on, but had walked thru the backyard to my house... My dad helped her get her underwear on, and had set her other clothes out for her....she had her slacks on, but she forgot to put her top on.... He was in the bathroom and thought she had finished dressing. It was 20 degrees outside! She did that a couple times.... Being in a time warp, she didn't want to miss seeing us before we left for school!She would have been horrified (if she had realized) she had left the house without clothes!

The day she went to the NH, (we had supplied her room with all her stuff the week before), my dad, SIL, my best friend and I took her. They said to bring her during lunch time and she knew she was going there. We all kissed her good-bye ... my dad dropped the three of us off at home and drove 20 hours straight on his way to Florida. He knew if he stopped, he would come back.

They told him not to come for at least 2 weeks to a month! They told me not to come for at least a week. I called frequently...then the first time I went she begged me to take her home....sounded like a little child "I'll be good!" she would say... It broke my heart! But I knew my dad was going to die from trying to care for her...and he couldn't keep track of her day and night even with my help! I was exhausted too and half his age!

I had to go on Xanax...as my throat was constricted from the tension... (Being a teacher, it was good not being able to talk without coughing!) I thought I had a virus of some kind.... none of the OTC drugs helped at all! When the doctor looked in my throat, he asked me if I was going thru a stressful time? ... I broke down and cried.... I was so used to holding it in around my mother...putting on a happy face... I didn't even realize the tole it was taking on me! It's exhausting!

All of your feelings are normal....it's like being on a huge wave....your emotions will go up, up, up then come crashing down! Reading about your situation brings it all back to me as if it was yesterday...(The tightness in my throat, even!) Hang in there! Know she is safe and well cared for!

Saying a prayer for you!
:wave:
Choquis