I haven't vented in a long time so I'll take a turn now.

He wants to come home!:eek: Sis called and said he's getting worse with the aggression and now wants to get in his car and drive home. The last time he was like that down there, he left for 12 hours and had us all calling state police headquarters in every state between here and there.

I'll take him back but will have to have home help for now. I will not leave him home alone. The VA here now has home health care so maybe I can get someone here to keep an eye on him, shower him, feed him, etc. while I'm at work. Oh I feel the calmness and serenity slowly floating away and the anxiety coming back.....breathe, Barb, breathe.....

Ok. His car is broken down (bad water pump) and hasn't been started in a year. This is good. The plates have expired. This is also good. He thinks his car is the last think he and my mom bought together when really he bought it 2 years after she died.

I had hoped I wouldn't have to do what some of you are having to do now-call the DMV and request he be tested again. This time I'm SURE the doctors will be willing to write letters encouraging them not to renew his lisence.

I'd all but forgotten about having to make these difficult decisions. I thought dad had made the decision about driving a year ago. This roller coaster is going down way too fast and steep.

Hopefully I'll calm down later. I just got the phone call and I'm probably more freaked out than dad at the moment....The first thing I did after getting off the phone with sis is jump on pc for your sanity and rational thinking. I know you'll bring me back to ground level and stop the spinning in my head....

On top of this I'm cramping like CRAZY! I had my son press down on my lower back to ease the pain. Nothing else is working but that helps a lot.

Love, Barb

Ok. Hubby just was reaching for something on the shelf over the pc and nearly knocked me out with his elbow....SMACK on top of the head!!! Made me forget about the cramps....for a minute! OUCH!!!

Oh,Barb, this is NOT your day! Put some ice on that head! Do some stretching exercises for your back.

And give up - give all the worry and fear and anxiety up to a higher power. Just let it go. Dad will either arrive , or never even leave where he is now. I would suggest your sister keep his car out of order, or out of reach. He isn't going to hijack her car and start off, is he? Would he be able to find his way? By tomorrow he will forget he wanted to go 'home.'

Never mind, just relax, forget all about it - he is not there yet, and maybe never will get there.

And even if he does, you will get either home health aides to come and watch out for him every day, or you will have him put in a VA nursing home. You will be OK, Everyone here is filling the air with good thoughts and good wishes for you right now.

Lots of love and prayers,

Martha

Oh wow Barb, as if your head wasn't already spinning - a good 'bif' on the noggin thrown in for good measure!!!:dizzy:

I guess you are having mixed emotions - glad to see him again, but apprehensive about the impact his deterioration will have. But that is a very sensible line in the sand for you to draw - if he is coming home, it can't be unless and until you have organised the home help that will be absolutely necessary for his safety.

And yes, get the car disabled even more - he won't know the plates have expired - can your sis take the battery out? If and when he does come back, he will need to be driven from your sis's by someone else right? So might this not be a good time to lose the car altogether? It might cause a bit more agitation I know, but the car issue is going to have be knocked on the head (pun intended) at some stage, and sooner rather than later I say.

love
Georgie

Hope things smooth out with your dear dad!

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) Barbara :(

I had to go to work after all of that so I didn't get much done today.

I called the DMV. Here in my state, they don't have a thing to fill out to request he be tested again. We have to go the route of seeing a doctor and convincing the doctor to sign a paper stating that dad has a mental condition that is irreversable or uncontrolled by medication. Then they will revoke his liscense. I know that probably won't make much of a difference but it'll make me feel a little better. The lady faxed me the papers so that I have them when dad returns. Now I have to find out when my sister will be able to do the switch (meet me at a halfway point). I can't afford to drive all the way down there and she can't afford to drive all the way here. As soon as I figure out when dad will be coming back, I'll make the appt with the doctor. I'll call the VA tomorrow to see what I need to do to get the ball rolling for the home healthcare.

Georigie, you are absolutely right. I miss my dad and am actually anxious to see him again. But I'm really scared of who I'll see when I see him. He's not the same person he was a year ago. For the first time in a long time, my job will have me away from home for about 9 1/2 hours a day. If I can get help from 7-2:30 every day, that would be good. My son leaves for school just after 7am and gets home about 2:30pm.

My head is ok now after many apologies from dh.

I don't know. I'm so confused and I don't know what else. I'm not entirely sure how I feel....

Will I be able to handle this? Will my family be able to? My son adores grandpa and my dad is using my son as an excuse to come home. He still knows my son's name but I don't think he remembers mine. He hasn't called me by name in at least two years.

Dad won't take my sister's car and he cannot be trusted to go a mile away from her house without getting lost.

Until today, I thought I was ok. I had it all together. Now this......

I keep telling myself don't worry about it....but still....I do.

Love, Barb

Barb, if you want to have a little bit of fun to take your mind off things ........

My DH punched me a whopper in the head once - he was reversing the car and went to put his hand behind my headrest - then whammo!!!

I milked it for all it was worth - for the next few days everytime he asked me for something I would cringe and say "yes sir, right away sir". If he wanted my opinion on anything, I would start trembling and tell him whatever HIS opinion was certainly the right opinion. Drove him nuts :)

love Georgie

Hi Barb,

Take a deep breath to the count of 5 and then let it out to the count of 10 and do it 10 times. Sometimes it does help.

I know that it is a shock for you. But, just sort of clear you mind. Have you talked to him (just you and your dad?). Be careful because alz. people change their minds a lot!

And I do remember when he went to visit your sister and did not come back. You really wanted your dad back then. Of course, he has gotten worse and you have gotten used to not have to be a caregiver!!! I think that it will just take a while for all of your family to get used to living together (along with the caregivers during the day). And when the time comes and you can get it arranged, maybe then you dad can go and live in the VA care living facility!

Good Luck. Breath Deep. And try to get some sleep.

Love, Wannabe

Barb, I hope you don't take offence at this - we are all experiencing a similar thing but none of us are each others shoes - so no one person's perspective is valid.

This has been a shock. You need some time to digest what the ramifications are. Just because Dad has 'decided' he is coming home, doesn't mean that needs to happen immediately. You have come so far, take some time before you throw it all away, and can get a realistic program in place to manage this.

Yes you love your father. Yes you can take better care of him than anyone else.

BUT you are jumping into practicalities here, when I think there is a bigger picture to consider. Driving is not an option. Your son should not be a caregiver. Don't let yourself be manipulated into a situation that is going to harm you and your family.

Your sister can easily stall until you get things properly sorted out. If you can't get adequate supervsion, then you may really need to consider another arrangement.

with love
Georgie

I haven't vented in a long time so I'll take a turn now.

He wants to come home!:eek: Sis called and said he's getting worse with the aggression and now wants to get in his car and drive home. The last time he was like that down there, he left for 12 hours and had us all calling state police headquarters in every state between here and there.

I'll take him back but will have to have home help for now. I will not leave him home alone. The VA here now has home health care so maybe I can get someone here to keep an eye on him, shower him, feed him, etc. while I'm at work. Oh I feel the calmness and serenity slowly floating away and the anxiety coming back.....breathe, Barb, breathe.....

Ok. His car is broken down (bad water pump) and hasn't been started in a year. This is good. The plates have expired. This is also good. He thinks his car is the last think he and my mom bought together when really he bought it 2 years after she died.

I had hoped I wouldn't have to do what some of you are having to do now-call the DMV and request he be tested again. This time I'm SURE the doctors will be willing to write letters encouraging them not to renew his lisence.

I'd all but forgotten about having to make these difficult decisions. I thought dad had made the decision about driving a year ago. This roller coaster is going down way too fast and steep.

Hopefully I'll calm down later. I just got the phone call and I'm probably more freaked out than dad at the moment....The first thing I did after getting off the phone with sis is jump on pc for your sanity and rational thinking. I know you'll bring me back to ground level and stop the spinning in my head....

On top of this I'm cramping like CRAZY! I had my son press down on my lower back to ease the pain. Nothing else is working but that helps a lot.

Love, Barb

Ok. Hubby just was reaching for something on the shelf over the pc and nearly knocked me out with his elbow....SMACK on top of the head!!! Made me forget about the cramps....for a minute! OUCH!!!

Dear Barb,

Bless your heart, not being a full time caregiver for awhile I can understand how torn up you could get at the thought of it all over agian.
It's been almost six months now Mom has been in the NH and it seems like
yesterday she was still with me.... I think this caregiving thing takes such a toll we really forget how tired we really were or still are!!!!!!!!!!! ( at times Im
not sure which is worse them with us or us worrying about them when their not). Anyway I agree that ( Dad ) may be alot worse by now and things could be even worse for you this time around. No matter how much he loves your son his grandson believe me that can be a disaster!!! My son was so close to my mom and still is but it took such a toll on him that he literally was sick and cried for days himself. Also he tried so hard to help me that I let him have more on his shoulders than I should have ever allowed. So think about it all long and hard, I want to rescue Mom daily somehow but I know I cant endure that full time agian, plus work, plus take care of kids and DH, and a home and yadadadadada!!!!!!!!!!! Geez Im exhausted thinking about it. Yet I know the heartbreak all to well of not doing it also.... SOOOOOO!!! hugs to ya
In the meantime a little humor for ya, One day I was exhausted, had cried myself sick and was a nervous wreck, thought I would lend DH a little hand outside and spend a little time showing him I cared about our remodeling project also.... anyway it landed me a stubbed toe on the way through the yard and then while reaching for some decking I tripped over the dog ( who was needing my attention ) landed on Dh who ended up giving me a right hook into my nose making my eyes water and starting the whole process over agian!! lol jess

Ditto with the 'too much on the son' thing ..

My son was our greatest source of help with our ex-charge. When NOBODY could get near her, HE always could. He would assist her with dinner, medications, listen to her hysterically rant and rave in her 'words' and he would just be there with her. He listened to me rant and rave because I HATED the situation I had put us all in, and he listened to me being abused by other family members. He saw ME working my heart out trying to help and he was too young to do anything of 'value'.

Since weve moved we've put up with suicide attempts, self mutilation, wild arrogant behaviour, violence, smoking, fire fascination -- he's dropped out of school, and we think there has been a drug problem --we've run whole gamut-- .. we've been to counsellors AND psychiatrists and they've all said the same thing ..

Yes, he's a teenager experience hormone surges and he can't control himself AND there was A LOT of damage done watching what was a solid, wonderful family unit crumble ...

Think twice. PLEASE!

Oh Angel bear, I know that must have been difficult for you ro write about. But I thank you for telling me. I've already made up my mind that dad will not be here as long as he was the last time. I know I can't physically or mentally take that. And if I can't, my son can't. But kids have the ability I guess to make things "look" ok when really it's not. I can't and won't have dad here if there is no outside help available. No way. No how. I have some physical limitations myself.

Today, I'mm looking at this more as a visit than a permanent thing.

You're all right. It's not fair to my son to expect him to take care of grandpa. I'm just remembering how my son liked to lay beside grandpa in bed watching baseball games on tv and how they used to say they were going to the store for some food and coming home with 2 dozen Dunkin Donuts instead. They were sneaky that way.:)

I'm not offended by anything anyone said. In fact, I thank you for your honesty. That's why I told you all what was happening and how I felt. I knew that you all would give me each of your own perspectives and that helps me to make a more rational decsion based on facts, not on my heart. I used to think it was best to go with my heart always. But it's not so where my dad and his AD is concerned. If I went with my heart, dad would have never left and I would have been in the nut house!

No time is a good time to deal with something like this. But I have to tell you this couldn't have come at a worse time. Where I work, I have the opportunity to take summers off. If this would have happened in May or June, I would have been able to take off work and spent more time finding help for him. From mid August till the first week of September is very busy for me at work. And I had the opportunity to take a 40+ hour a week job which I did. Now I'm stuck with this job for at least 3 months before I can bid on a job with less hours.

And now I'm coming down with an inner ear infection.....another OUCH!

I'm still freaking....but not as bad.

Love, Barb

Oh Angel Bear I am SO sorry to hear that. After everything you all went through I guess I have sort of been picturing you in a kind of mini-heaven as a reward for all your efforts.

You know, I have actually come to the realisation lately (duh!) that going through all of the ranting and raving and verbal abuse is really the equivalent of being assaulted time and again. It is an abusive situation. I know we are all so busy trying to do the best for our charges all the focus goes on what is happening to them, but with the benefit of hindsight we should pay much more attention to the environment we and our loved ones are living in.

love Georgie

Dear Angel Bear,

You have shown great courage and compassion in telling your story to all of us. I pray your son will get the help he needs and recover fully. It is immeasurable what damage having an irrational person in the house can do - even to us, as adults, but ever so much more so to vulnerable young people. This is one reason I keep on advocating for placement of Dementia patients in good facilities. It destroys homes, it destroys marriages, it destroys children. A young mind cannot cope with dear old sweet granny suddenly becoming a unintelligible shrieking monster. He shouldn't have to see it. I noticed how hard it was for my 37 year old son to see his Grandma in her present state of almost total memory loss and confusion - 20 years ago it would have thrown him!

Don't expose your children to this kind of thing. As soon as the dementia gets bad enough, the patient belongs in professional care. There may be one or two martyrs out there who can devote all their love, attention and time to the sick person, but even they should not do it if there are young people in the house.

Sally, thanks for the very much needed warning, and best of luck for recovery for your son.

Love,

Martha

Angel Bear, I too will be praying for your son, your dear daughter, you and your dh. And thank you again for sharing.

Love, Barb