Two days ago my 61 year old father died of a sudden heart attack at home. I've been crying my eyes out almost non-stop and am doing so even now...it came just a few days after he told me how much he enjoyed and valued life and how fit he felt for his age. He seemed so full of life, always active, was always kind and happy and has helped me SO MUCH over the last two years while I had depression, despite the fact that I treated him like **** during most of that period. I lied to him and pushed him away. Sometimes I even wished he would die. I feel so frustrated and angry at everything and everyone. But most of all, I'm guilty and furious at myself, because I know part of it was my fault, and I wasted my relationship with the man who loved me and took care of me my whole life. I cant stop thinking about my childhood and beautiful images of him smiling at me, playing with me, talking to me, while i was really young.

I just dont know what to do. Im 17 and about to go to university, i want to cancel my application because the last thing i want to think about is studying and work. I have a 13 year old brother to take care of, who is absolutely distraught, I just feel like crying with him even though I know I cant show it. This latest gift from 'GOD' comes just 4 months after our mother died in a car crash. That happened just after I came out of a 2-year-long bout of depression. Why do things just get worse and worse?

I've had nightmares the last two nights, horrible nightmares where I come to him in his room after hearing him gasping for air, his eyes wide open, and I can't do anything to help. I just stand there like the useless piece of **** I am. I can't even escape this HELL when i'm asleep.

Both grandparents on my father's side are dead, my grandmother on my mother's side lives abroad as do all of our uncles, all my best friends have left the country to go to different universities, my aunts on my mother's side are almost senile. We are living with cousins at the moment. I feel so alone and scared, I cant help but think it would be easier if i dropped dead as well, because I dont know if i can take this much longer. What I want to know is WHY does all this tragedy have to happen to us?? I cant stop thinking about that: what have I and my brother done to deserve this? Especially my little brother, because i dont know how all this will affect him the in future...how much does God have to punish him for nothing?

Please, can somebody help me. Please. Is it normal to feel like this, and when does the pain go away.

sambis - first let me say how sorry I am about your losses. I know it doesn't make you feel better, but you can take some comfort in knowing that your dad was happy and healthy right up till the end. My dad spent the last 2 years of his life in a nursing home with no quality of life at all. Talk about guilt.....Stay strong for your brother, your dad wouldn't want you to break down. Don't be afraid to cry or express your emotions with your brother.....he's going thru it too. Take comfort in the fact that your dad is now with your mom again and they're watching over you.
I'm so sorry again.
Take care.
:angel:

firstly, im really sorry to hear what youre going through, and my thoughts are with you. your depression wasnt your fault, and your dad would have known that- and your brother needs to know you understand what hes going through. theres no shame in crying, none at all. the pain wont go away quickly, but it will fade, just give yourself time. the way youre feeling sounds perfectly natural to me, so dont worry about that! i suppose we all wish theres more we could have done. your dad wouldve wanted you to make the most of yourself, so maybe cancelling your application would be a bit hasty- if you struggle a bit at first, noones gonna judge you or anything, just do your best. its all you can do. please post again to say how youre getting on!
Amanda (16)