There is a depth of darkness that is deep, moist, and close. It is where I go when I am upset. I don’t choose to go there, I am taken there without any recourse. I can’t escape, I can’t let go, and I can’t run away. It is my mind. I am bi-polar. That’s manic-depressive to those who don’t know the “new” term for an old illness. From what I understand, it is a mental disease that is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. I don’t know if that’s true, and I don’t know if I care if that is true. I just want you to understand what happens. So I begin….

For as long as I can remember, I have known that most of the things that have happened around me (to me?) are my fault. That somehow, the actions of others, the consequences of those actions, the responsibility of those actions, are mine. I don’t have to do anything, I don’t even have to be there, I just have to know about it and I own the guilt. Funny, I don’t own the credit when it’s a good thing that results from actions of others. That would be nice!

I replay, over and over and over, an event until I know that it isn’t really my fault, but it is. I know that people tell me that I am assuming the guilt (faults) of others, but I never get to believe that. I can have the assurance that others know that I am not at fault, but somehow that doesn’t matter. I hear them – I just don’t believe them. I know that I am to blame.

This is like hitting your head against a wall until your head just explodes. My head implodes. My heart aches with the sadness that my head is feeling. There is never enough balance between the two to make me know that I am ok. There is never enough assurance that others know that I am ok. Because I’m not. I’m not ok.

When I took the medication, it was worse. A whole lot worse. I wasn’t me; I wasn’t anything but raw, heavyweight emotion. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t reason, I couldn’t cope. It was the meds at work against each other and I could not separate myself from them; at least until I was able to stop, to wean myself from the meds, from the emotionally roller coaster that the meds made me feel like I was always on. That roller coaster was like being me in super motion!

When I am in an “episode” (a manic state, I call it), I don’t really look different unless you know my face. It isn’t a different smile, but a smile with no meaning. A smile that isn’t true. And if you know me, you would know that my smile wasn’t really a smile at all but a facial expression for the rest of the world. I know that smile. I have looked at it in the mirror of my heart and have known that I wasn’t smiling inside.

I am sad a lot. But usually it is a sadness that I can and do handle. Most people, even family, can’t tell. I have learned how to hide it well. I can laugh, I can joke, I can keep up the appearances, but I can’t do it inside. When it gets too much, I can take a pill that will give me some relief. It doesn’t solve my problems but it gives me the chance to solve my problems by giving me a chance to breathe the air that is mine. I can’t take it all the time because I don’t trust the pills anymore. Not after what was done to me with meds in the beginning.

So let me try to explain. I can do that by giving examples. This is not meant to place blame, it is meant to show you (me?) the way that I become, the way that I am. (I could use your help, you know?)

When someone does something wrong to me, I will allow them to convince me that what they did wrong was my fault. That I caused it to happen. That I made it happen. That I was only worth that event. That I was only worth that outcome. How do you explain that so that it makes sense to the outside? You don’t. You just know it inside. And inside is what really counts when you are bi-polar.

My mind is blank with blackness that is movement. It pulses, it moves, it squeezes, it pushes, it pulls. It is thick and sticky. It’s pliable like gum that loses its taste. It sticks to every thought, every feeling. Or rather, every thought, every feeling sticks to that blackness that just swells with the holding of all that I have done wrong. It is not a nice deep black that shines. It is a blackness that absorbs and swells and gets thicker and thicker. It traps and it holds. It expands with the holding of all that is wrong.

In my bi-polar world, there isn’t a lot of nice that is mine to own. I only get to borrow the nice things, the nice thoughts, and the nice feelings. They don’t last. They don’t get to stick around very long because they aren’t really mine. The nice things belong to others because I always have to fight for them. I have to justify having them. I have to convince myself (others?) that I am worth them. And just the fact that I have to fight for nice, beg for it, plead for nice, cry for nice, makes nice almost unattainable.

I am bi-polar.

Dear Bconn,

If I didn't have Bipolar also, I would say that what you wrote is beautiful. But instead I know that it is the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking truth. Thank you for expressing the pain so honestly. I hope anyone who is looking for insight to Bipolar reads your post.

And Welcome http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif to the Boards.....

Hi bconn,
I hope you understand that I would never hurt anyone's feelings intentionally, so plz don't take offense, but I can't help but wonder when I see someone that is 'new' to the boards, that opens up so easily, (probably because I hold things inside), bears their soul and goes into such great detail.....if they are 'for real,' or have just read up on 'the issue.' I know there are some very good books out there that explain in detail about bipolar. (Guess the same could be thought of me.) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif
If in fact, this is your story, I want you to know that I can identify w/a good deal of it, (and some of it, I really don't, but we aren't all alike, so that's okay). http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif
Wish that I could say I have some 'new, late breaking news' that will cure all of us - obviously, that isn't going to happen.
I too, have issues w/meds and take as few as possible, even at the risk of being 'chewed out' by my psych and warned that I am 'damaging my brain'.....now that's intersting - seems my brain is already damaged/defective...in some form.
Oh well, I guess we all do what we think is best for us.
Have you ever considered holistic or natureopathy treatment. I've known a few people that absolutely swore by alternative/herbs treatment. Just a thought.
Truly wishing you the best,
auntbill

[This message has been edited by auntbill (edited 09-13-2002).]

Hi auntbill,

I didn't take offense because I have learned not to. I wrote the above awhile back in order to make sure that I knew that I was really ok and that I was bi-polar, not crazy or mean or cruel or even guilty. I wrote it so that I knew that I was ok with not taking the meds that "the experts" told me I would have to take for the rest of my life.

Being bi-polar is a condition that I, as a strong-willed person can control - most of the time. When I can't, (and it took me a long time to learn this), I have to take something to slow me down so that I can think. When I slow down from the highs and lows of a manic episode, I can calm down and take charge of myself again.

We are all different and I was just trying to let others know that we aren't always at fault for our behavior but that sometimes, if given enough understanding, we can learn to live like normal people. Sometimes that means taking the meds, sometimes that means controlling our thought process. But all that time, it takes people loving us and standing by us as long as they can so we can draw from them our strength to overcome (or at least live with) this terrible, terrible condition that we have found ourselves in.

At some point, our husbands, wives, lovers, family, and friends knew us as "normal". When our bi-polar kicks in, we are not "ourselves"... we become someone they don't know or at least they think we become someone they don't know. What people don't know is that we don't know ourselves either. Again, we need their understanding and their help.

I don't know about other people's symptoms because I barely knew about mine. Like I said, it took me a long time to figure myself out. I am honest about being bi-polar because when I was just learning, everyone I talked to had different answers to my questions and no one could give me ways to help myself other than through drugs. I damn-neared killed myself with the drugs because I didn’t understand what the heck they were supposed to be doing for me. I didn’t understand (and still don’t) why they couldn’t just give me the drugs in dosages that could help me instead of always changing the amounts and times and kinds of drugs to take!

I learned to smile because if I am smiling, I feel happier. I am not necessarily happier but I feel that way, I look that way. I learned that if I showed that smile that other people were happier with me. I learned to laugh and joke because it was so much better than feeling the absolute horror of what my mind was telling me to feel. And somehow, I learned to control my episodes that way.

I needed people to understand and help me. Believe it or not, I didn’t get that from my family, or my friends or even my doctors, the experts. My being Bi-Polar wasn’t something that they (all but the doctors) were willing to learn about. After all, I was just being me, because, of course, you know how I can be!

I am so much better now because I understand me. I have learned to watch for certain things that I am feeling and I have learned not to let those feelings go too far before I do something about them. Most of the time I can do that but occasionally, I can’t. Occasionally I have to take a “calm-down” pill. This works for me, and hopefully it will work for someone else. But if it doesn’t, maybe that person can let someone that they love read this and it will help them understand and through understanding, their loved ones can help them be …. Bi-Polar. Not all marriages or relationships survive this condition but if we help just one, isn’t it worth it to be honest? I certainly hope so.

Also, I am so happy that I am not a “newbie” – I would hate to have to go through it all again… it was hard! And, smiling, I know that you meant newbie to this board, which, of course, I am!

Hi again, bconn,
I appreciate your candor, (as I am aunt bill, as well as bev...will explain another time), and found what you said very insightful.
I am still in the stage of trying to figure this out and absolutely hate taking meds. If I may be so bold to ask...are you using an alternative form of meds? I have tried to research herbs and, holistic, natureopathy but it's, as you probably know, not covered by insurance so I get discouraged and sit down w/my head in my hands and just take my meds...but..... as little as I can get by with!lol
I can certainly relate w/almost 'killing myself with drugs.' http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gifI had a psych that put me on 3 or 4 meds...I was sleeping around the clock....real quality of life, huh? My blood pressure dropped so low that I was fainting every time I stood up. I had never been on any kind of drugs prior to this so I assumed the doc knew what he was doing and dang near killed me! That was a few docs back... I've been faaaarrrrr more careful since then. The psych that I have now is NOT happy w/me because I won't take the meds he wants me to. I told him I didn't feel well on the drugs, (and dosages), he wanted me to take and why couldn't I test what seemed to work for me? I think he just got sick of dealing w/me and said, 'okay, but you're going to have a problem.....so don't say I didn't warn you!' I agreed and haven't had a problem since.....knock on wood! lol
I know what you mean about smiling when you really don't feel like it....so many things we feel we have to do - that others take for granted. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif( http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif)
Well, I've flapped long enough.
You're a very interesting person and I look forward to chatting w/you again. I would love to 'pick your brain' as much as you will allow me.
In the area of Bi-Polar....I AM a newbie, so perhaps you can 'teach' me along our journey.

Best Wishes,
Bev (sometimes, aunt bill)haha

lol - bev52 & aunt bill,

I LOVE that! Another Bi-Polar that is trying to be honest and has a sense of humor! I got so tired of being so serious all the time!

To answer your question about drugs first. I take an alprazolam (which I think is a generic of Zoloft but I am not sure) whenever I feel that I need to calm down. I don't depend on them because a bottle of 30 pills have lasted me a little over 2 years & I still have 6 of the little pills left! The only other meds that I take are Thyroid and Vitamins (1000 C & E & One Multi-Vitamin).

The real thing that I have learned to do is to live my life differently even thinking differently. I got rid as many of the stressful things and people that I could of that created some of the stress... or at least that I felt was stressful when I was around or with them. That was hard but I found that once I made the break that I was happier and dealt with things better.

I eventually took a real good luck at myself and figured out that I wasn't happy with me because I was trying too hard to be all that others wanted me to be instead of just trying to be me. Once I started being (doing) me, I began to see that I could be calm and then I could learn to cope with things that I couldn't handle anymore. I couldn’t change the fact that I was Bi-Polar but I could learn to deal with other parts of my life that contribute to being Bi-Polar.

Got rid of old "friends" that were using me, (I never could say no), got rid of furniture and things I didn't like (out went all that used but good stuff and in came NEW things that I wanted), got rid of old responsibilities (really, just started handling my own problems, not even one else's), learned to stop feeling guilty about everything & thinking everything was always my fault, then got rid of husband...

I changed my life. I bought a motorcycle (had it triked out so I could ride it), made new friends, separated my family from new life (I still have & love my family - I just keep them separate), quit my job and started doing whatever I could just to make enough to live on (took me awhile to make that decision because I had to pay off bills first) and now am fairly happy learning all these new things....

I am still Bi-Polar – I always will be. But the expert doctors that told me I had to learn to live with it didn’t tell me HOW to live with it. They told me to take meds, and they did me the same as everyone else. Try this, try that, change this, change that…. I decided that I am not going to BE Bi-Polar, I am going to have a condition called Bi-Polar. Mind over matter … at least for as long as I can do that!

If the meds work for people, fine. But for those of us that meds don’t work for, for those of us who have to have a life (I didn’t kill myself because I couldn’t do that to my son), for those of us that have to live in this world alongside the rest, WE NEED to know that sometimes, there are people that have an alternative way of doing things. I think that I do…. it’s not perfect and it’s work, but it is easier for me this way.

BTW – I think that holistic or natureopathy treatments do work for those that believe in them. I believe in them, I just haven’t needed them yet but am open to suggestions. It will be a cold day before I take meds from experts who wish to control my mind for me instead of helping me to learn to control my mind myself. – long-winded, Brenda