can someone please tell me how to deal with a mother who is bipolar. i live with my father now and hes never raised a kid so im left on my own on raising myself. im only 16 and have raised my lil brother who is now with his father, and i feel like im 35. what can i do?i feel like ive never had a childhood and ive turned to drugs for a way out.... help me...

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u never knew me, so u'll never forget me...

Wow,

Lets see where to start, I'm 24, raised myself as well. Mom was an active alcoholic and pop was never there. My grandparents lived upstairs and grandpa was the bipolar person in the house. I can definately understand where you are coming from. HOWEVER, drugs will not give you the answer, nor will it make you be a kid again. If anything it makes things worse. I definately believe that you should seek some kind of counseling and try to talk to your father.

Where is your mom at this point in time? And is she on any meds? Bipolar disorder is very hard to deal with, especially when the ups are really high and the downs are incredibly low. What I suggest is that you accept the fact that your mom is sick and she definately requires patience and compassion. She may say things that she doesn't mean. Hopefully, she is on meds and is trying to get her disorder under control. If not, you should back off and let her do what she needs to do in order to get better and not react to her behavior by doing drugs to make the problems go away (for the minute).

Please, do me a favor, you're young and from what I can see from your writing your bright so help yourself, be a kid, and talk to your father about this.

Hope I helped http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

Hi there,

Well, first of all, I'm sorry you have missed out on your childhood and life has dealt you a pretty rough hand, BUT, I can tell you that drugs is not the answer.

I have a friend whose father died when she was six months old, and her mother didn't want her or her brothers and sister so she left all of them with their grandmother.

Her two brothers got into drugs and one is in prison.

Her sister married a guy that physically abused her, and they all, (brothers & sister), blamed it on 'not having a father, and mother didn't want us.'

My friend, Nita, was only 14 yrs old when she made this statement to me:

"We have all been raised to know the difference between right and wrong, so my brothers and sister have used the 'excuse' that 'our father is dead and our mother didn't want us, so that's why we turned out this way.' I was raised by the same woman they were and I have chosen to make something of myself and stay out of trouble."

She is now a manager of a well known chain of stores and is a productive and well respected person in her community.

To me, she made a very adult statement and had a great attitude for a girl of 14, but it proves that we don't have to turn to drugs and get into trouble if we make the "choice" as she did.

Now, I don't mean to say that just because you have done some drugs that you are a bad person, and I am not judging you and hope you don't feel that I'm 'preaching' to you....just hope you will re-think your decisions, and give yourself a break from all of the bad things that have already happened to you and make some "adult decisions and choices."

Since your brother has left, now is a good time to decide what you would like to do with your life.

Hope you will give your future some serious thought...you deserve better than you've had.

Wish I could give you some pointers on your mom but I really think it's time for you to think about 'you' and let others take care of themselves for the time being.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Bev

[This message has been edited by bev52 (edited 10-17-2002).]

kayciemc and bev,
thanks for the advice, my mom hasnt been the same because of this for about 4 years now... theres a shell of what she used to be but a totally different person. she takes the meds when she feels the need to and other than that she believes that she is normal for the most part.

every 4 months or so she feels the need to come back and nuture me like her little girl again, but in the most irrational ways. when she does this or gets into trouble or leaves the current husband shes with, she comes back and stays with us and tries to get back with my dad, and he doesnt reject cuz hes still very much in love with her...in about a week or two shell disappear and not be heard from for about a month or so. this rutein has gone on regularly for the past couple years and shes slept with my dad many times since theyve been divorced.

me and my dad are not on the same page altogether. he doesnt know what to do with me and is doing the best he can. me and him get into fights everyday over stubborn and stupid things and when i say im wrong which isnt vey often he still wants to fight. he didnt even see me in my homecoming dress and stuff this year cuz he thought he should get out my hair after a fght we had that morning and moms never around anymore to see me grow up.

ive learned to let certain people into my life such as my friends and some of their parents love mee as if i was one of there own and would do anything for me. and my bf of almost 9 months. hes become very supportive but not well liked by my family, theres a little bit of an age difference so we dont get to see each other as much as wed like to, but weve managed.

my bf, we'll call him boo, has set me straight on alot of things, like DONT DO DRUGS or i wont talk to you, but since i used to do them a LOT before i knew him i hang out with the same friends i had since 6th grade and they all are into them. usually i can resist but when things are super bad, theres always that little temptation. u may say get new friends, well there isnt much choice in a 2sq mile town where everyone knows u and uve picked ur lifetime friends back in middle scool, plus theyve been there through everythng and i wouldnt be here without them, and some of them would say vice versa for them.

i just need a way to communicate with my mother, weve to therapists(not for me, but for her)and counselors and then they wanted to interview me. they determined that me and my mom have switched roles in the long run and ive become aggresive toward the fact fact that ive become the parent and shes the oblivious child. ive gotten annoyed with the same problems and the same situation over and over again and have lost sympathy and hope for her which makes me push her away... and that scares me so deeply,cuz one of my friends said the same things i said to my mom to her alchoholic mother and then her mom tried to kill herself with my friends insuline for dibetes from what she had said. i dont want my mom to do the same.

just give me ways to talk to her to put her back into the adult seat and start relizing consequences and problems with her actions... please.

thank u again.




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u never knew me, so u'll never forget me...

Bipolars are at risk for suicide BECAUSE of the devastating toll the illness takes on their emotions and their life, YOU NOR YOUR ACTIONS ARE RESPONSIBLE for these devastating consequences. But because of this and other issues, I would STRONGLY recommend that you seek counseling and therapy for YOURSELF as well so that you will have help in dealing with your mom and the impact of her illness on your life. It would be good to seek FAMILY therapy, this could help enormously in your efforts to communicate with your mom.

Tell your mom that you want to talk to her about her being bipolar and the effect that is having on your life as well as hers. She may not be ready to accept it yet, but if she is it can improve her perspective to understand that hers is not the only life at stake here. Then she may make better efforts to control the bipolar. Be sure to make her aware that you are not judging her, but that you need a mother who can be an adult. Plus be sure to make her aware of how you hate to see her suffering, and let her know what actions you have considered in trying to deal with the issue and how it has effected the way you feel. It would be especially good to do this in a therapy session, because the therapist can help you deal with feeling that saying something might make matters worse, plus he/she can help your mother cope with her feelings about your statements, such as perhaps that she has failed you.

Please also continue to try to enlist the aid of another adult, particularly a caring relative. Also maybe you could ask your dad or someone else to help you in talking with your mother, she may listen better to another adult. If she really wants to deny that the bipolar is a problem, she may find it easier to dismiss what you, her daughter, has to say, even though she should listen to you because you are the one most close to her in her life right now.

Also you can try printing information about bipolar disorder off the internet or from other sources and see if she responds better to reading true accounts or facts about the disorder. Try to keep it something simple and easily read in a glance, but relevant to the situation.

I hope that you will be successful in getting through to your mother, for both your sakes. Also make your mother aware that bipolar tends to worsen when it goes untreated or is poorly treated. How does your mother feel about taking meds? Maybe taking them makes her feel weak or disabled. From your post it seems likely that she would rather cling to the notion that everything is OK, when it isnt. Or perhaps she feels as though her life is basicly OK, and she only has minor difficulties. How does your mom feel about the term "mental illness"? That too can play a major role here. Just some things to think about when you talk to your mom.

zionspegasus,
thanks for the advice, i know my mom doesnt like being known as mentally ill or having a mental illness and she wants to bleive that everything is ok...bringing my dad into it wasnt a good idea the first time because hes biast toward my mother and blames alot of her depression on me...and i guess alot of it is. shes also aquired a certain exessive taste for alcohol. it doesnt bother me to see her a little trashed, its just what she says when she is. i remember her being on one od her "i want to take care of you so im gonna live with you for the moment" kinda trips and she was drunk, as usual when she comes to my house and she layed on the couch, started crying and stated, "Missy, im so dpressed and i dont want to live... ive been a burdon to you myself and our family, im so sorry", i tried to tell her she was wrong but she had alredy fallin asleep. sometimes what my family says makes me bleive that im somewhat crazed/depressed to and it scares me... ive run away so many times to get away from the situations my family puts me so i can clear my head and think outside my family, but they manage to drag me back and put me in the same stressfull and frustated state and position i was in when i first contemplated of leaving. im scared that i might be bipolar depressed or a manic too, i become so enraged and do things are so opposite of what i normally am, i become violent and want to get away. i drank so much one night that i had gone into a black out the whole night and scared my friends, i dont remember saying or doing any of the things they told me about. they told me i just started crying excessively and was so depressed and threatend to kill myslef and i tried to but they took me home and carried me in my bed and ignored my fmaily when thay said to them about how bad they were and they stayed with me most of the night. all i remember was being happy and drunk at a festival....then waking up in my bed...it being soaked from tears and making all over my face. sometimes i think im the one thats crazy, because my moms side of the family has a heredity strain of mental illness...
maybe im the one that REALLY NEEDS HELP and not them.


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u never knew me, so u'll never forget me...

[This message has been edited by minerva (edited 10-24-2002).]

While it is possible because of the genetic aspect, it seems more likely a reaction to dealing with family. My therapist recently reminded me that some families can be toxic or at the very least difficult to live with and be a part of on a daily basis. Thus it is good to get therapy even if you are non bipolar yourself, but are trying to cope with someone who is.

OK, I'm starting to re-live my childhood through you now, so we are starting to get to the bottom of this...mom is an active alcoholic with a bi-polar disorder.

Honey, I'm going to say this and say it again.

1- It seems that pop is just as sick as mom because he is playing the blame game with moms depression, pointing fingers and saying that you are the one causing "her problems". I bet he's also said that your the cause of their separation, and the worlds problems too, right? DO NOT FEED INTO IT! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT FOR ANYONES BEHAVIOR! Honestly, when all hell breaks loose at home, go to your friends house (the non drug users- if there are any left.) GET OUT!

2- I think that YOU need to get help so I'm going to try to help you get help. I'm sure that in your school there has to be guidance counselors or someone that is there that you can talk to. Believe me, I've been there and it helps to be able to talk to a professional and get good and solid advice. It's worth a shot. What's the worst that can happen, you don't like it so you stop going?

3- BE A KID!!! I WISH I can go back to my teenage years and use the tools that I have now (from intensive therapy).

It is very hard to stay away from drugs/alcohol when it's all around you, especially when family members do it too? Hey, why not right? WRONG! Just remember it ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER not to do it and from what it seems, you are a strong person, so TRY to do atleast one of the 3 things that I suggested and hopefully you'll feel better.

Hugs http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif