:angel: Hello im new to this site im looking for a place to let out my feelings and talk to people in the same situation.... Heres my story.........

June 4th 2006 my partner and i was going on holiday to cyprus i phoned my mum at the airport just to let her know that the flight was delayed and that i will call as soon as we landed i told her i loved her and my step dad

We arrived at cyprus and i phoned my mum again but she wasnt there so i spoke to my step dad (Tony) he siad to me what ever happens he loves me dearly and for me to have a good time i told him love him too and we ended the conversation........

It was 1:30am my mobile rang i answered it it was my sister she was crying she told me that my step dad had passed away i cant explain what happened after that phone call everything went blank.....
I wanted to get the first flight home but my parnter had spoke to my mum and she said that tony wouldnt want that he would want me to enjoy myself i thought how could i do that i wanted to be with my family in this time of need my world had been crashed and i kept thinking what my mum must be feeling but my partner had made a promise to my mum to keep me in cyprus and enjoy it.....

The week dragged on i wanted to go back so much and each day i woke up and pinched myself to see if it was a bad dream and that my step dad was still alive when the week was over we travelled back home and went straight round to my mums deep down i was hoping that my step dad was going to be there but he wasnt i found out that the funeral had been arranged and the songs had been picked i must say i felt put out not sounding selfish but i wanted to be a part of the funeral for abit of my closure and i understand now that they couldnt wait for me to get home they had to do it there and then and get it sorted but i had an empty feeling inside........

He died of a heart attack aged 79 he would of been 80 29th august this year since then i have had a rough time i cant go to work i am so low and empty inside i dream about him everyday and wish for him to come back i still feel horrible towards my family because i didnt spent that week with them grieving i was in cyprus meant to be enjoying myself i feel im in a black hole and i cant get out........... I need someone to talk to if anyone can help please do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a terrible thing to happen to you. I can relate to your story in a way.
My father died whilst I was on holiday too and his wife ( not my mother) would not hold the funeral in time for my brother and I to get there. He lives in USA and we are in the UK. She has always been obstructive towards me in my relationship with my father and has done her best to prevent him from keeping in touch with me. He died on 22nd July.
I do not feel a sense of closure either. I feel that I was cheated in his life and also now in his death. She made him feel guilty about having 2 other children in addition to the ones they had together. I don't know why because he was with my mother long before he met her. She is just an insecure, jealous woman who wanted to control all aspects of his life. She couldn't bear to think that he could love anyone else apart from her and their children. When she saw how happy he was when I visited him she caused such a scene and made us both miserable.

I understand you feeling horrible towards your family. They made a bad decision for you even if their intention was good. Did you manage to attend the funeral? Does your stepdad have a grave or somewhere you can visit?

My brother and I took some flowers to a hospital chapel and sat there together with our thoughts. We talked about our father and wrote out a card so that the next time there was a service, they would pray for him.
We then went home and lit a candle that evening for him so that we could carry out our own little ritual to honour our father.

I also want to get a weeping willow tree to plant in the garden for him. That will show how i am feeling about the situation.

Sorry to go on about my own issues whe you are suffering so much. i expect the 29th is going to be very difficult for you. Have you thought of how you could mark the occasion of his birthday or what you could do to get yourself through it. I dont know what advice I can give you but if you want to let it all out, keep on posting. I get overwhelming periods of grief at times and cry, then it passes and I feel abit better but not good.

What part of the uk are you from? I'm in West Yorkshire.

Hello again thank you so much for the post i think i got carried away and wrote to much but it felt good,
I did make it back to the Uk for my Step-Fathers funeral i done a little speech but i dont think people actually understood much of it through the sobs he was cremated and we took the ashes home so we could scatter his ashes in his favourite place which is the sea he loved being out to see when he was in the army.........
My partner and i went to our holiday place that my mother and step-father used to take me when i was younger to scatter his ashes but the tied was out and i didnt want to put him in the mud so i brought him back to mine and he has been living in my bedroom it may sound morbid but it has made me feel safe knowing that apart of him is still there.........
I am so sorry to hear your situation with your father that fact that you didnt get to go to his funeral that must be so hard for you i am so sorry.........
I live in Norfolk ive been to yorkshire a few times with my real dad when i was younger..........
The hardest thing i had to face was my 24th Birthday 15/7 the first birthday without my step dad it was arwful every year he used to ring me and sing happy birthday down the phone on the morning of my birthday my phone rang all my fear and upset went thinking it was him but of course it wasnt i was on a downer the rest of the day..........
It feels at the moment i dont have a future....
I am sorry i am rambling again hope to hear from you soon

Hello there
How are you doing?
I also keep thinking my father is going to phone me and then reality hits and I realise that I will never hear his voice again. For the past 12 years, he was ill so phone calls were all we had.
Pleased your step dads ashes are helping you to feel safe. I don't think there is any hurry to let them go if it feels better to have them in your bedroom. I think we have to do whatever will be a comfort to us, don't you?
I am sorry that you don't think you have a future. Maybe it's too soon to think far ahead at the moment. I'm just taking a day at a time, it is four weeks today that I lost my father. I call him my father because I too have a step dad who I love very much and I call him dad. Can't believe that 4 weeks have gone by already. I think for the first two I was in shock and things didn't really register. Now it is beginning to sink it but because I didn't see him or attend the funeral it's hard to comprehend that he has really died.
My American family are going to send me some photos they took at the funeral and of his grave so that will also make it more real for me.
Your birthday must have been really upsetting for you and it's hardly surprising you were on a downer for the rest of the day.
It's so good that I have someone to share things with and I hope you get some comfort from it too. Writing it down seems to help, doesn't it.
Let me know how things are going for you.
Love from
Maya

Hello again sorry i havent posted for a couple of days i have had a bad couple of days have been to the doctors the have put me on anti depressants i guess im taking the death of my step dad worse then i thought.........

Well i had a dream last nite bout my step dad i went to my mums and he sat there in his chair he looked at me and said theres my lil girl the thing was tho i was 7 again he got up walked up to me and took me outside and gave me a bike and sat me on there and taught me how to ride.....
Then it jumped to this year me being 24 and he hugged me and told me that he love me loads and not to be sad and to look after my mum and family.........

I woke up crying it seemed so real it gave me some peace but i cant stop thinking about it and its driving me crazy i feel so alone at the moment i just cant talk to anyone but i fnd comfort in talking to you ..................

Thank you for taking your time in readig this and writing back when i know you have been going through the same things as me Thank you again hpe to hear from you soon x

Hello there
So your step-dad came to you in your dream? Sounds like he's sending you some valuable messages. I don't know how you interpreted it but to me he's saying that you will get through your grief in a similar way to how you learned to ride your bike. At first you might stumble and fall, but you'll keep getting back up and trying again. With Tony to guide you, you will find your feet and gradually you will be able to ride off on your own.

I got the photo's of my father's funeral and they threw me for a couple of days. Seeing a photo of him in his coffin was very hard to bear. We don't take pictures over here at funerals but they seem to film the whole service. they say prayers etc with the coffin open and then say goodbye to their loved one before closing the coffin for burial. Also got a slide show via email. Different culture, different customs.
Yesterday was a bit better as I had my granchildren to look after. They are 2 boys aged 5 and 3. They don't give me much time to think about anything else so I had a bit of a break.

W have hired a cottage over the bank holiday week and will be taking the 5 year old with us so that will be good.
Anyway keep taking care of yourself and I'll do the same.
I 'll write again before i go away.

Maya X

Hello there

Well we're off to the holiday cottage this afternoon. So take care and I will look for your post when i return.

Maya x

Hello

Oh my god today was really hard my step dads birthday i havent hurt so much i rang my mum up asking wot she was doing today to celebrate his birthday she said she didnt know and that she will call me later in the day well i didnt hear from her so at 6:30 i thought id call her to see if she was alrite and she was at the pub with my sister celebrating his birthday and didnt bother inviting me i put the phone down harsh i know but that really hurt and cut deep in my heart he was my family aswell dont i have the right to celebrate with them i basically have spent all evening breaking down on my own...........
Hope you had a nice holiday x

Clare

Hi there Clare

Hope you are doing a bit better. I'm so sorry you didn't get invited to your Step- dads birthday celebration. That must have been a very hard day.

We did have a good break and i feel as if i've moved on a little now.

Maya x

Hello

I am glad you had a nice break im going away 8th to my real dads im looking after my lil sisters while my step mum go and have another lil baby boy so thats something to look forward to im finding each day better then the last

Clare

Well, I'm pleased you are getting away for a while. You will be busy with the girls and it will help to keep you occupied. let us kow how it goes.

Maya

Hello,
I hope you had a really nice holiday im sitting round my dads everyone waiting for the time to go quickly when my step mum goes into hospital to have the lil one bless them.....
The girls are good as gold bless them its nice that im gonna look after them give me some practise haha well like i said i hope things are going well for you and i really like our chats its nice to talk to someone in the same position as me

Take care

clare x

You sound a bit better. I went to London on Wed with my brother to meet our cousin and her hubby from Las Vegas. It really did me good to have someone to talk to about my father and she told me a lot of things about him that i didn't know.
Can you talk to your dad about Tony? My adopted dad has not said a word to me about my father's death.
Well let us know when the baby comes and how you are getting on. Take care of yourself as well as the girls.

Maya

:wave: :wave: Hello again well i do feel alot better im glad you have someone to talk to bout your dad.
Well my baby brother was born yesterday 10:29 weighing in at 7lb 12oz and he is gorgeous everyone doing well i cant wait to meet him.......
well what i am doing to get me through the day is good memories and talking to my partner about him but each day is easier for me dont get me wrong im still missing him like crazy but the pain is easier and having you to talk to is making it better thank you xxx

Congratulations to you. And a big welcome to your new baby brother! Let us kow what he looks like when you get to see him and what his name is. It's great to have a new life to think about.

Yes, i know what you mean. Helps to focus on the positive things, I agree.
I'm finding some days easier than others but can't really fathom out why. just have to cope with things as they come.

X big kiss for baby.

Maya

Hello

Sorry its been a while since i have posted on here ive been busy my lil brother is soo gorgeous must take after his big sis LOL!!
I went to see Robbie Williams on thurs 14th sept wasnt very good well he was dont get me wrong he was fantastic i just couldnt see him im too short it was nice when he sang ANGELS tho reminded me of my step dad had a good cry days seem to be getting harder again i dont know if its because im thinking of him more again...
Hope you are well and that you are finding it easier hope to hear from you soon

Clare x

Hi Clare
Nice to hear from you. Bet your baby brother is absolutely gorgeous, just like you!
Robbie Williams was also in Roundhay park, Leeds recently. He was probably singing Angels just for you and Tony.
Yes, I'm generally finding it easier, now. Still up and down times but it is early days yet. Sometimes I feel lonely as my family aren't very helpful. There are many triggers to remind me of my father. I have a picture next to my computer of us when we first met and we both look very happy and smiling. I remember when we had it taken as I'd stepped off the plane and into the airport. He came forward and we hugged each other.
That is a good memory.
Hope you have some good memories of Tony, too.

Maya x

Hello ive had a bad couple of days well my first memory of tony was when i was little i used to have 7 dummies pinned to my top its wierd because i had a flavour and name for each one of them (sad)
but he came to me and siad you are a pretty little thing that dummy hides your smile with that he said ill give you a pound for every dummy you have and that he will take them away of course i agreed and that was the last i saw of my dummies its wierd but every time i feel low i think of that moment but then im brought down again becuse my mum is going really wierd like he never was alive or a big part of our family.
Sometimes i get so angry and i want to scream and shout at her but i manage to keep it in but its hard....
Im trying to keep busy with my wedding next august its horrible to thing he wont be there in person i had all planned with him being there its a big thing in my life and i wanted him to able to be there.
Its a pity i cant put a picture on here could show you a pic of my lil brother well im looking for a new job now so i can get out i am stuck in all day so no wonder i am so depressed i suffer with a muscle illness aswell called Fibromyalgia so that doesnt help things either but its good to have you to talk to THANK YOU

Clare x

Hello Clare
Sorry you've had a bad couple of days. You have a lot to contend with, having fibromyalgia and also your grief for Tony. Thank you for sharing your memory of the dummies. It helps me to see Tony as a real life person who was obviously very caring and thoughtful. It must be hard for you to see how your Mum is dealing with things and generally acting wierd. Families can be a mixed blessing sometimes.
Hope your wedding plans are going okay. Where are you getting married?
Will keep my fingers crossed for the new job.
Maya x