I've heard social anxiety, depression, avoidant personality, shizoid personality, ocd...the list goes on. I can never get a straight answer from anyone. No one will tell me what's wrong and I drive myself crazy trying to figure it out on my own.

I can't sleep. I stay awake all night to "watch over" my family. I'm so afraid that if I doze off something will happen. Something bad and I won't be able to stop it. Someone could break in and kill us. The house could burn and I can't save everyone. My parents could have a heart attack and no one will hear them. I'm so afraid to lose them. I check on my family everytime I use the restroom. Everytime I hear the slightest noice. If the cough I run to my door to listen and make sure there are no sounds of pain. Finally it's time for them to get up. It's safe for me to go to sleep. Or isn't it? What if mom falls and I'm the only one here but I'm asleep and don't hear it? What if someone breaks in during the day? What if....

My mind is constantly racing. I can't keep my mind on one thing for more than 5 minutes and then I'm on to something else. I try to clean but I try to do everything at once and I get nothing done. I try to concentrate on one thing but I get distracted and can't remember what I was working on. I get a phone call and I panic. I don't want anyone to hear me when I'm like this. I try to avoid everyone. I don't want anyone to know how bad things really are. Everyone asks how I'm feeling today and I say "oh I'm great". But inside I'm fighting a battle with my emotions. I want to be happy and I try to let the happiness when but the sadness beats it down. I try to smile but tears pour. I get mad so easily. No one wants to talk to me. Everyone thinks I'm a nutcase. I keep a journal but when I read over what I have written I get embarrassed that those things would even go through my head and I quickly burn it before someone finds out how I really feel.

I want to tell my doctor but I don't want him to think that I'm crazy. I want to tell someone. But what if they tell? What if everyone ends up knowing? I don't want anyone to know but yet I wanna talk about it. I hate being judged. I hate people knowing my business.

Some days are good. Somedays I'm so keyed up that I think I will have a heart attack. I feel like I can take on the world. Like no one can hurt me. Somedays are very bad. I get so mad and fly off the handle at anyone and everyone that says something to me. Sometimes I will feel happy and then for no reason I feel this rage come through me. Even when I am alone. I sit and try to fight it off. I don't want to hurt anyone but I feel like I could. Sometimes I even find myself plotting harm. I scare myself with the things that I think. Could I really do this? I don't know. I'm afraid that one day I will snap and play these things out. It's scary.

I can not have a relationship. I just got out of one after 3 years but and I don't even feel bad about it. He cried and begged me to work things out and I felt nothing. I am so cold. I try to cry because I feel that I should feel bad but sometimes I feel good when I make people hurt. Then other days I think about the things that I do and I hate myself for it. I wish to die before doing that stuff again. But it happens again. I plot revenge on everyone that ever hurt me and I try to make the revenge come true. But I get scared that it will go too far and I stop.

I feel so evil. Like I have a demon inside of me that is fighting with everything he has to come out. I don't know how much longer I can fight this thing off. I'm going to snap and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

Larissa

Larissa,

First of all, I love your name http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I'm no doctor so I can't tell you if you're bipolar or not. But from some of the stuff you said, it sounds like you *may* have it. You've also got quite a bit of paranoia happening.

<"My mind is constantly racing"....."I feel like I can take on the world."> That sounds like the mania part coming out.

Why are you scared that your doctor is going to think you're crazy? Your doc will be the last person to think you're crazy! You know what you should do? Make a doctor's appointment, print off your post and let him/her read it. Sounds crazy but trust me, it's the best way to tell your doct that something may be wrong. Pleeeeeease do that? That's how I communicate with my pdoc. I write him letters every time I see him and then we talk about the stuff that I wrote.

As for worrying if your doc will tell someone, like your parents. I do believe the only time they are obligated to tell your parents is when you're in danger of hurting yourself or others. Other than that, it's confidential. How old are you? (if you wanna say)

Here's a website that describes bipolar; see if you can relate to any of it. Please think about the whole doctor thing and maybe take it into consideration. You never know what can come of it...it might just be the best move you've made. Hang in there. Keep in touch please. Take care.

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

http://bipolar.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mental help.net%2Fpoc%2Fview_doc.php%3Fid%3D457 %26type%3Ddoc%26cn%3DBipolar%2520Disorde r

First off, thanks for the reply and also for thinking my name is pretty. I don't get compliments too often. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

<<Why are you scared that your doctor is going to think you're crazy?>>

I don't think that it's so much as him thinking that I am crazy that I am afraid of. I just don't want him to think that I'm a hypochondriac (sp?). I'm always going on and on about what's wrong with me and I know that's what therapists are for. But I'm worried that he will think stuff about me. I just want to know what's wrong and I feel like the more information he has the more it will help him to help me. But he always gives me weird looks when I tell him stuff. That why I think he may think I'm weird or something. Maybe I should print this out. I just really am not sure if I want for anyone to know the "truth" about me or not. I want help but I don't want anyone to know. How crazy is that? I know I can't get the help I need unless I talk. I just can't talk.


<<"As for worrying if your doc will tell someone, like your parents. I do believe the only time they are obligated to tell your parents is when you're in danger of hurting yourself or others. Other than that, it's confidential.">> Sometimes I think that I may be a danger to myself or someone else. That's another reason I'm afraid to say anything. I don't want to be locked up in a home or be the talk of the town. Know what I mean?

Am I making any sense? Sometimes I feel like maybe no one will understand because I can't understand myself enough to explain it.

Oh yeah. I am 19. This has been going on since I was about 12 or 13. I'm pretty sure that it got really bad when I started high school.

I'm going to print this out like you said. Don't know if I'll take it in but who knows. I may get a wild hair in my tail and do just that. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Thanks for the site. I'm going to check it out later. Right now I've got to eat Thanksgiving dinner with the family. Really nervous about that.

Larissa

Larissa,

Thank YOU for the reply. I totally understand your worries and concerns about other people knowing. I was terrified the first time my mom found out that I was depressed - I wasn't the one who told her either. But when she found out, it wasn't so bad. After my first hospitalization, I was so scared to go back to school. What were the other students going to think of me? Do they even know why I was in the hospital?

<"But I'm worried that he will think stuff about me. I just want to know what's wrong and I feel like the more
information he has the more it will help him to help me. But he always gives me weird looks when I tell him stuff."> What makes you think he'll think stuff about you? That's not what doctors do. They only went to school for at least 7 years so that's prolly not gonna happen. And you're right, the more you tell him, the better he can help you, which is what you want...and need. If you just don't feel comfortable talking to him, get a different doctor. You should be able to talk to your doctor about ANYTHING.

<"Sometimes I think that I may be a danger to myself or someone else. That's another reason I'm afraid to say anything. I don't want to be locked up in a home or be the talk of the town."> You're afraid that if you tell your doctor about the way you feel, you're going to be locked up? Nah. The only way you're going to be hospitalized is if you try to end your life or ask to be admitted.

Write write write write. I can not talk to anyone either. Like I said in my previous post, I communicate with my pdoc by writing. It's the only way that he'll know about stuff. I don't talk to anyone at all.. I don't have a problem talking about it online becuz then no one can judge me, etc.

Just keep your chin up hun. You don't know how excited I'd be if you took your first post to your doctor. Try. That's all you can do.

Happy Thanksgiving to you. I'm remembering what my Thanksgiving was like...in the beginning of October!!

Take care cuz I care.

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif
P.S. Sorry for all of the "quoting". It makes it so much easier for people to understand what I'm talking about!

[This message has been edited by lilmissme (edited 11-28-2002).]

Thanks for replying again. My next appointment to see my therapist is on Friday and I think that I will try letting him read my post. I've thought about doing this before but I could never work up the courage to do so.

I had a good Thanksgiving. I actually surprised myself. I got really restless on Friday and took off with some friends. I don't usually do that because of the fear that I might be paid attention to. Another weird fear of mine. Surprisingly I had a good time and went out all weekend. Met up with a guy that I haven't seen in over 3 years and did some stupid things though. I'm not feeling too good today. I keep running everything through my head and analyzing everything that happened and what people thought about it. Or well, what I think they thought about it. That's something else I do. My thoughts get carried away with me and I end up convincing myself that I did the worst things and everyone thinks bad about it. I try to put the thoughts off but they keep popping up. Anyway, I'm probably getting on your nerves with this. Thanks for all the advice. If you have anymore feel free to dish it out. I need all I can get. Oh and don't worry about the quoting. I actually like it when people do that so I know exactly what you're replying to. Keeps me from getting confused.

Larissa

Larissa,

Hey there! I'm glad you went out on the weekend. Sounds like you had a good time, even if you did some stupid things. Have you always analyzed things and ran them through your head a bazillion and a half times?

I'm soooo glad that you're going to see your doctor on Friday. It's fabulous that you're gonna try to let him read your post!! Yay for you! Please let me know how it goes, okay?!!

<"Anyway, I'm probably getting on your nerves with this."> Nooooooooooo way!! Don't even think that!! If you were getting on my nerves, I wouldn't be posting back and I wouldn't even look in the discussion to see if you've posted again or not.

Let me know how everything goes! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

[This message has been edited by lilmissme (edited 12-03-2002).]

Lilmissme,
Yeah, I have always ran things through my head a bazillion times. Don't know why I do that. If I think that one thing went wrong, I have to run the whole situation through my head to see where I went wrong and why. That's the only way that I can justify what I did or see that I was in the wrong by doing it. I tend to get on my nerves doing that.

Well, I know it was stupid of me. But I did not go to the doctor this morning. He's not really helping me and all he does is tick me off. I find it hard to go down there when I'm in a bad mood. That's probably the best time to go in, huh?

I did go to the site that you recommended. A lot of that does sound like me. But I'm not one to get an inflated self esteem. I mean sometimes I do get a little overconfident but I never think to much of myself at all. I actually have a very low self esteem. Also, I don't overspend either. Heck, I don't have any money to over spend with anyway. LOL

Well, thanks for keeping up the replies. I like having someone to pour this out to.

Larissa

Larissa,

Hey there, how are you doing?? I reallllly hope you're hanging in there. I can understand why you didn't go to the doctor today. If he ticks you off this much and he's not helping you, then why not find a different doctor? And yeah, it's prolly the best time to see your doctor..when you're in a not-so-good mood.

I'm like you...I have a veryyyyyy low self-esteem and I totally don't overspend at all. You don't have to have every single characteristic of bipolar disorder to have bipolar disorder.

I'm glad you're able to "talk" in here. That's great. Keep it up!!!! I'm always here!! Take care.

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Lilmissme,

I have tried to find another doctor but I live in a verrry small town and there's only two doctors like him here. Him and some lady. I went to see her but she didn't take me too seriously and I hate that. She acted like things weren't that big of a deal and I know that they are. How can she judge how bad a situation is when she's not the one living in it? Plus, my current doctor is getting me on SSI because I cannot work right now and I'm afraid that if I change doctor's right now then it will screw things up with that.

I'm going okay right now. I've been getting really angry here lately. A lot of the reason is becuase of this guy. I know. It's stupid to let some guy get to you but he is about to drive me crazy. He's been sending me all kinds of mixed signals and it really angers me that I can't figure him out. I feel like I'm being played. I guess I am being played for a fool. I just find it hard to give up. Besides, he doesn't really know how I feel about him anyway so he probably doesn't know what it's doing to me. Bla Bla I guess I'll go before I start babbling on about it too much.
Thanks again.

Larissa

Larissa,

Hey you, how are you doing?? That kinda sucks that you live in a small town and are therefore limited to the doctors available. Have you ever tried teling your doctor that he's not helping you very well and that you do need his help??

It's not stupid about having issues with guys. It's part of life. But try your hardest not to let it get to you too much. Boys come and go...part of life too.

I can relate to the anger part that you talked about. I'm totally experiencing that too. It drives me nuts cuz I don't want to be like that but I can't help it, you know? *meh* It'll pass...for both of us.

And girl, you're never babbling!!! Write/talk alllll you want!!! It's really quite alright!!!! Take care!

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Lilmissme,

How are you? I'm feeling a little down right now. I feel the depression moving back in. It's a constant emotional rollercoaster for me. I feel good for a moment and then it's gone. This situation with that guy isn't helping much either. If you want to know that situation, I posted about it on the Relationship board. Maybe you could tell me what to do. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I've never told my doctor that he's not helping much but I'm starting to feel like it won't hurt things if I do tell him. At this point, I don't care if it causes us more problems or not. I am soon going to have to stop seeing him anyway. My insurance is about to change and I'm not going to be able to afford to see him or get my medication. I'm really nervous about not having any medications to keep me under control. I think I might hurt someone without them.

I've been writing in my journal alot and hoping that maybe that will help with all of these battles going on inside of me. I'm not seeing any results yet but I'm sure there's something changing. I will notice it when I'm not even thinking about it I suppose.

Try not to let the anger get to you too much. We can overcome this setback.

Talk to you soon,
Larissa


[This message has been edited by *OneStepCloser* (edited 12-10-2002).]