I'm in the process of recovering from Anorexia. I read these boards all the time and they have been so helpful! Just knowing that I'm not alone has been such an encouragment. :)

I'm just ganna spill out my thoughts to anyone who'll listen...here it goes!
I HATE calories. Okay, well I like them because we need them to live...but I hate the fact of looking at numbers and numbers! How much? How little? How will I burn them off? How many should I eat? UGGHHH! I am sick of them! It's so stupid how we let calories rule our lives, you know? Stop the maddness please!

When I was in the deepest place during anorexia, I was doing was pretty crazy things. For example:
1. Going to the grocery nearly everyday---I always bought something like bananas. But I also liked to look at all the foods that I could 'never' have.
2. Being glued to the FoodNetwork. Haha
3. Looking at restaraunt menus and the calorie content of foods I would never have.
4. Baking and cooking high fat foods for my family, and then watching them eat it. I would never ever eat the things I made.
5. Eating the same things at the same time EVERYDAY. I still wrote everything down and calculated it too---even though it was the same day in and day out. I even went to the gym at the same time,too!


I don't know if any of you did things like that. BUT IT IS NO WAY TO LIVE!!! It's crazy how controlling an eating disorder is. The world becomes dull, food and exercise consume your every though, life is dead.
Well it's time to throw those habits out the window...for good! It's time to be healthy and happy and actually live life. I'll admit that it has been difficult so far. Sometimes I find myself thinking about food and calories too much...and then ED thoughts slip back in...and then I want to restrict. But then I remember how weak, miserable and lifeless I felt when I wasn't eating...and I don't want that! I want to feel strong and energized! Phew, I think I'll end on that note. ;) Sorry this is so long, but I just had to let it all out. Hehe Thanks for listening.

Yes, I did the exact same things. I'm "recovered" now from anorexia for about 5 years--I find it gets easier as time goes by but the eating disorder never completely goes away...that way of thinking, I mean. I'm at a healthy weight now and I don't miss feeling like I'm about to pass out, that my heart hurts, or counting every little calorie. Sometimes, I look back at the pictures of myself when I was at my worst and I just think I look sad. I still do berate myself on my image, but I have to go through this whole tirade in my mind--I am NOT fat, I know my weight is at the low end of normal for my height and that is all there is to it. I still try to cook and eat healthy--generally, sometimes I splurge on goodies--but it is a huge difference between eating healthy and not eating at all or taking in way too few calories to survive. I totally don't miss exercising 4 hours plus a day--now I do 50 minutes a day and that is it and don't beat myself up if I skip a day or too.

Like you, I used to wander around grocery stores for hours then buy something trivial, like 1 apple. I used to hoard food under my bed. And I watched the food network all the time and read cookbooks and food magazines and baked high calorie foods for friends and family.

Yes, it really just takes over your life and is no way to live at all.

i do alot of the same things... i am addicted to grocery shopping. in my case, however, it is/was bulimia. i love to bake and cook but never really ate what i made, but then i'd go grocery shopping for two types of things: healthy stuff for when i was restricting & high cal fatty goodies for when i wanted to binge/purge. i still have the constant need to buy ridiculous amounts of food and it really hurts my wallet. i used to always buy fast food, or go to wawa or a mini mart and load up on just junk to throw up. throw my money away..... :-\

Oh man, blondgirl has it right...for a bulimic the grocery store is like Disney World. Funny though, since I stopped purging I find it a really boring, just like any other place you go to run errands. The mystery is gone!