Hello everyone,
I have been anorexic since I was 16yrs old. I have been treated and I relapsed 3 times before now Im getting ready to move to Europe to start college next month and I know its time for me to try and recover. Im scared but I want to. Right now im 5"7 and I weight 105lbs, but last time I checked it was 102lbs so Im not sure if I lost some.
Im not in the best of health. I get blackouts everyday, my bp is low, im tired all the time, I have no energy, and I know I look like crap. My mom tells me Im too thin. My body is nothing but bones almost.
Anyway here is what Im eating so far. Im slowly increasing my calories, and Im giving in to scary foods at least once or twice a week.But the thing is when I have those scary foods I skip lunch. I know its not good but I cant help it.
I just finished working recently and during those days I worked I never ate lunch so now Im slowly eating lunch again. Anyway heres how 2 days would look like for me and Ill give you one day where I eat a scary food.

Breakfast:
some low fat cottage cheese-25cals
some grapes-80cals
plain no fat yogurt dannon-80cals

lunch:
apple

Dinner:
shredded wheat cereal with little bit organic skim milk-190
strawberries-25


Breakfast:
low fat cottage cheese-25
grapes-80
plain yogurt-80

Dinner:
shredded wheat with organic skim milk-190
strawberries-25

snack:
cocoa low fat-25

Breakfast:
grapes
cottage cheese
plain yogurt

Dinner:
organic macaroni shells with skim milk


Thats what a week of food looks for me. My scary foods range from pancakes, macaroni, sandwiches, to sweet cereal. SO it all depends. Im very proud when I eat these foods becuase I feel so guilty and scared afterwards.
ANyway please opinions are welcomed.

honey, this isn't gonna be what you want to hear, but you should get into a hospital immediately. you will kill yourself if you continue eating this way and the only way to prevent that (which i KNOW you don't want) is inpatient treatment. you absolutely NEED the support, guidance and frankly, forced calorie consumption of an inpatient program. i can tell you want to do this on your own, but i really don't think that'll work. please don't take this lightly. get help and get better so you can go on with your life. good luck.

I know how hard the scary food is. Nobody really understands how hard it is for us...it's not 'just' food! It is a major accomplishment to let yourself have them because you know you need the nutrition.

I would agree with Joni, having gone through this myself. You need to talk with your Mom and find some help to guide you through this. The reason it is so hard is because it is all you know, and a nutritionist and therapist can help you deal with both the food and the emotional issues attached. If this is really scary, please ask yourself, how do you FEEL right now, both physically and mentally? You said you were blacking out...I know that's 'normal' after a while, but isn't it miserable to not be able to depend on your body to work for you? And mentally...lack of nutrition means your brain just plain can't think. College in Europe is a big change, you are going to need a lot of strength to follow that goal, right? Those are just some of the reasons...I can think of many more!

thank you guys for your replys. I know if I continue like this something bad might happen. But I dont want to admit myself to the hospital because then I know my dad wont let me go to Europe. My mom knows i have relapsed big time and she wants me to start gaining weight, so I just tell her to leave me alone and that Im starting to eat . In reality I am starting to eat but very slowly.
Thank you girls once again.