ronniesteers
08-21-2006, 05:03 PM
I was diagnosed as bipolar over a year ago and have been on medication for it. My problem is that I get extremely enraged at my daughter when she refuses to do things (most of the time it's in the morning, getting dressed, brushing teeth, or at night taking a bath). I start pulling at her and physically try to make her to these things. I don't beat her or throw her but I am extremely rough with her and am very upset with myself for doing this. I don't know if it's part of the illness or the stress of being a mom, but I want to stop doing this to her. Tomorrow is her 5th birthday and I want it to be very special. Sometimes I just get so sad and depressed and don't know why. I need to change, but need help too. Any advice, (including therapy)? Some days I just hate myself for being the way I am.
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distroyed
08-22-2006, 11:11 AM
Ronniesteers, I have witnessed the same behavior from my wife over the past year. she is BP and currently trying to find the right combo of meds.
we also have a daughter 5 and a son 3. I have herd her say the same things you have said. that she hates herself for the way she is with the kids. she says she is a bad mother. she is not, infact befor she flipped (not trying to insult anyone) She was the one that everyone wanted to leave their kids with. People were always telling her to open a day care because she was so patient and good with kids. I'm glad now that she didn't I would be running it now:dizzy:. Anyway kids can be very stressful, and I don't think someone with BP is able to cope at times. I see with my wife that the less stress in life the better she gets, but through in a slight amount of stress, like the kids acting up, and watch out!:mad:
it is good though that you recognize it and want to fix it.
Remember, kids learn their behaviour from thier parents.
we also have a daughter 5 and a son 3. I have herd her say the same things you have said. that she hates herself for the way she is with the kids. she says she is a bad mother. she is not, infact befor she flipped (not trying to insult anyone) She was the one that everyone wanted to leave their kids with. People were always telling her to open a day care because she was so patient and good with kids. I'm glad now that she didn't I would be running it now:dizzy:. Anyway kids can be very stressful, and I don't think someone with BP is able to cope at times. I see with my wife that the less stress in life the better she gets, but through in a slight amount of stress, like the kids acting up, and watch out!:mad:
it is good though that you recognize it and want to fix it.
Remember, kids learn their behaviour from thier parents.
Lurchpoppa
08-22-2006, 11:40 AM
I've got 6. 10 yr old boy, 5yr old twin girls, a 2, a 1, and a 1 month old.(yes we're done) The main thing I have to remember is that kids are #1: easily distracted and #2: don't understand why we have to bathe/brush our teeth/put the trash IN the trash can.
If punishment is necessary it generally involves something brief, and then it's over. Kids are hard to begin with, being BP makes it just that much harder.
If you are afraid you're going to hurt your daughter, sometimes it's best to just let go of what you think needs to be done. Does she NEED a bath now, or can it wait. Maybe you can find a way to make it her idea. A new towel, but one she can only use at bathtime can be an incentive. Take her to pick out her own toothbrush, try new toothpaste, get a cup just for brushing teeth. Every one of my children has needed something different to want to do this stuff. One twin just wanted an explanation, one wanted shampoo that was "just hers". Each child is different, and yours will be too. I hope this helps, and if you need any ideas, I'll get my wife in on it.
Arthur
If punishment is necessary it generally involves something brief, and then it's over. Kids are hard to begin with, being BP makes it just that much harder.
If you are afraid you're going to hurt your daughter, sometimes it's best to just let go of what you think needs to be done. Does she NEED a bath now, or can it wait. Maybe you can find a way to make it her idea. A new towel, but one she can only use at bathtime can be an incentive. Take her to pick out her own toothbrush, try new toothpaste, get a cup just for brushing teeth. Every one of my children has needed something different to want to do this stuff. One twin just wanted an explanation, one wanted shampoo that was "just hers". Each child is different, and yours will be too. I hope this helps, and if you need any ideas, I'll get my wife in on it.
Arthur
ronniesteers
08-22-2006, 02:36 PM
Thank you both for your replies. It made me relieved to know I'm not alone.
Distroyed - I have been following your dilemma and hope things are getting better for you. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I really do feel horrible when these things happen but at least other bipolars have this problem too. What did you do when your wife got angry at the kids? Did you have to run to be the shoulder to cry on. That's what happens with my fiance.
Lurchpoppa
I guess I shouldn't complain. I could never deal with six children. I have to admire you and your wife. I give her incentives - she gets to pick her own toothbrushes, toothpaste, bubble baths, shampoos, etc. It's just that sometimes when she gets in stubborn mode and I am on short circuit for one reason or another (usually it depends on the day and how my mood is) we clash badly. You're right, it's not the end of the world if they don't brush their teeth, take a bath, even get dressed (on my rational mornings I tell her I'm going to take her to school in her pajamas). I'll keep working on it and keep you posted. And thanks.
Distroyed - I have been following your dilemma and hope things are getting better for you. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I really do feel horrible when these things happen but at least other bipolars have this problem too. What did you do when your wife got angry at the kids? Did you have to run to be the shoulder to cry on. That's what happens with my fiance.
Lurchpoppa
I guess I shouldn't complain. I could never deal with six children. I have to admire you and your wife. I give her incentives - she gets to pick her own toothbrushes, toothpaste, bubble baths, shampoos, etc. It's just that sometimes when she gets in stubborn mode and I am on short circuit for one reason or another (usually it depends on the day and how my mood is) we clash badly. You're right, it's not the end of the world if they don't brush their teeth, take a bath, even get dressed (on my rational mornings I tell her I'm going to take her to school in her pajamas). I'll keep working on it and keep you posted. And thanks.
Robert165
08-22-2006, 03:05 PM
As long as you're not hurting her, thats the main thing. Scaring her is defiently not good nor is being "mean" but the main thing is you want to work on it. Since I don't have kids and can't give advice I'd say to work onit in hterapy or even seek advice from a thrapist that deals with kids and managing kids, as well as, web resources for the same. I hope it doent seem patronizing to say I'm proud of you and that you want to improve your daughters life by treating her better.
marshmallow
08-22-2006, 03:33 PM
Children are very precious and how we treat them affects them their whole life so never take lightly your "being mean or being rough with them." You cannot beat yourself up for the past but you can change what you do in the future.
distroyed
08-22-2006, 03:36 PM
Thank you Ronnie, No things are actually getting worse, wife is extreemly depressed, scaring me. and my father only has a few days left. (cancer) my wife unable to comfort me, kids are a mess. I am basically care taker to my wife my kids my mother and my father. on top of all that I have to work 2 jobs to support the family. but anyway to answere you question, yes I do tend to try to comfort the kids, but this back fires because the wife thinks I am not supporting her in the discipline, but the stuff she yells at them for Like playing too loud or being "too hyper" is not worthy of discipline in my eyes it's just kids being kids.
I wonder what the heck I did in my previous life? :confused:
I wonder what the heck I did in my previous life? :confused:
coffeegirl2
08-22-2006, 03:37 PM
Ronniesteers
Everything you have posted is similar to how I am as a mom with my sons. No, I am not 'mean' but I do get grabby with them sometimes and it freaks me out.
I'm in counseling/therapy. It helps a lot. I also have a very empathetic, understanding, and patient DH. He also has noticed that the most stressful time for me is during the early hours of the morning, and that too, is the hardest time for our sons; getting ready for school. So, he has adjusted his work schedule so he can stay home for an extra 30 minutes to help them prepare for school (brush teeth, bathe, get dressed, eat, etc.) and help me with them, so I don't wig out anymore. It has really reduced my mental breakdowns as you can call it. The only time I get upset is when the boys get flighty after he leaves and they decide to run around the house screaming. Then I just count to ten, and tell them in a firm controlled voice to sit down on opposite couches. It works. This has taken me a while to get to.
Over the summer it was not like this. I struggled because they were not in school. That was a different scenario. My sons were home with me all day long. They are 6 and 7. They tested me repreatedly, so what I learned to do was the 'take away system'. If they were naughty I took away their priveledges. We did not go swimming a lot this summer, to the park, etc. due to their behaviors; and it helped reduce my behaviors (negative ones), and theirs as well. It was not a fun summer, but they did learn from it and are gaining some respect for mommy now.
This was really difficult because at the first part of summer, one of my sons with ADHD was really out of control and his meds were not adjusted quite right. That made for a really tough time on him and all of us; mostly him. It all worked out in the long run. Perseverence and patience.
Believe in yourself Ronniesteers. When you become angry, walk away and into another room. Count to ten. Remove yourself from the situation for a minute, and things will calm down.
Also, what kind of meds are you on? Some mood stabilizers work better to control anger. Risperderal and Topamax work well controlling anger. Clonidine is another med that works well for anger. These are meds that I am familiar with because my son and I have taken them. They are all 'meds for anger control mangement'. Talk to your pdoc in reference to what would help you best for a med controlling your anger with the current drugs you are taking.
Hang in there. You are a good mom. Recognizing this is super. Give yourself time, and things will turn around soon.
Many hugs
Coffeegirl :angel:
Everything you have posted is similar to how I am as a mom with my sons. No, I am not 'mean' but I do get grabby with them sometimes and it freaks me out.
I'm in counseling/therapy. It helps a lot. I also have a very empathetic, understanding, and patient DH. He also has noticed that the most stressful time for me is during the early hours of the morning, and that too, is the hardest time for our sons; getting ready for school. So, he has adjusted his work schedule so he can stay home for an extra 30 minutes to help them prepare for school (brush teeth, bathe, get dressed, eat, etc.) and help me with them, so I don't wig out anymore. It has really reduced my mental breakdowns as you can call it. The only time I get upset is when the boys get flighty after he leaves and they decide to run around the house screaming. Then I just count to ten, and tell them in a firm controlled voice to sit down on opposite couches. It works. This has taken me a while to get to.
Over the summer it was not like this. I struggled because they were not in school. That was a different scenario. My sons were home with me all day long. They are 6 and 7. They tested me repreatedly, so what I learned to do was the 'take away system'. If they were naughty I took away their priveledges. We did not go swimming a lot this summer, to the park, etc. due to their behaviors; and it helped reduce my behaviors (negative ones), and theirs as well. It was not a fun summer, but they did learn from it and are gaining some respect for mommy now.
This was really difficult because at the first part of summer, one of my sons with ADHD was really out of control and his meds were not adjusted quite right. That made for a really tough time on him and all of us; mostly him. It all worked out in the long run. Perseverence and patience.
Believe in yourself Ronniesteers. When you become angry, walk away and into another room. Count to ten. Remove yourself from the situation for a minute, and things will calm down.
Also, what kind of meds are you on? Some mood stabilizers work better to control anger. Risperderal and Topamax work well controlling anger. Clonidine is another med that works well for anger. These are meds that I am familiar with because my son and I have taken them. They are all 'meds for anger control mangement'. Talk to your pdoc in reference to what would help you best for a med controlling your anger with the current drugs you are taking.
Hang in there. You are a good mom. Recognizing this is super. Give yourself time, and things will turn around soon.
Many hugs
Coffeegirl :angel:
ronniesteers
08-22-2006, 04:32 PM
Thank you Ronnie, No things are actually getting worse, wife is extreemly depressed, scaring me. and my father only has a few days left. (cancer) my wife unable to comfort me, kids are a mess. I am basically care taker to my wife my kids my mother and my father. on top of all that I have to work 2 jobs to support the family. but anyway to answere you question, yes I do tend to try to comfort the kids, but this back fires because the wife thinks I am not supporting her in the discipline, but the stuff she yells at them for Like playing too loud or being "too hyper" is not worthy of discipline in my eyes it's just kids being kids.
I wonder what the heck I did in my previous life? :confused:
You did nothing, is the answer. I know, with kids you can never win. You sound like a patient and good man who is really going through a rough time now. I'm really sorry about your father. Keep me posted. I care.
I wonder what the heck I did in my previous life? :confused:
You did nothing, is the answer. I know, with kids you can never win. You sound like a patient and good man who is really going through a rough time now. I'm really sorry about your father. Keep me posted. I care.
ronniesteers
08-22-2006, 04:46 PM
Thanks CoffeeGirl. I'm sure you know about all the bad feelings that come after the "episodes". Guilt and depression are my two biggest. I have been in a depression for the past few weeks anyway and have no idea why. There are periods in the day when I just start crying ... then it stops...then it starts again. I am really tired of going through all of this. I have an appointment with my doctor next week, and she counsels also. I'm hoping this will help. Just in case, I also made an appointment with another counselor for next week. I don't know if I'll keep this appointment though. RIght now I feel a little leary about it. But I guess another counselor could give me another perspective, or maybe he'll just confuse me more. Right now, coffeegirl, I just feel so unstable.
My daughter doesn't really have any psychiatric disorders, (except for an obsession for wiping herself when she's done going to the bathroom), but my stepdaughter definitely has issues. She's been to two shrinks. I don't know how she has been diagnosed, but she definitely has behavioral issues (I think it's oppositional defiant disorder) and sometimes she deliberately hurts other children (hitting them, etc.). She's not an easy one to deal with either, and we have to discipline her, too. The problem is, my fiance will discipline her and then (because he only sees her once a week) gets wishy washy. I stick to my guns and she's told me quite bluntly that she doesn't like me and that she hopes her father and I have a fight so that he and her mom will get back together. Boy oh boy. How did I get on that subject? Anyway coffee girl thanks for the support. :wave:
My daughter doesn't really have any psychiatric disorders, (except for an obsession for wiping herself when she's done going to the bathroom), but my stepdaughter definitely has issues. She's been to two shrinks. I don't know how she has been diagnosed, but she definitely has behavioral issues (I think it's oppositional defiant disorder) and sometimes she deliberately hurts other children (hitting them, etc.). She's not an easy one to deal with either, and we have to discipline her, too. The problem is, my fiance will discipline her and then (because he only sees her once a week) gets wishy washy. I stick to my guns and she's told me quite bluntly that she doesn't like me and that she hopes her father and I have a fight so that he and her mom will get back together. Boy oh boy. How did I get on that subject? Anyway coffee girl thanks for the support. :wave:
distroyed
08-23-2006, 11:23 AM
Ronniesteers, I wanted to add something. While my wife was manic and wanted nothing to do with me, she seemed verry cold toward the kids also.
when I would drop them off they would cry and grab me and not want me to leave. She would stand there emotionless and tell the kids to get in the house. At the time I wasn't the only one in her way, the kids were in her way also. it is so hard to believe that someone once so caring and great with kids could become so cold. She has come back a little, I think she crashed, because she is now in depression, and I think she is seeing what has happened. but their is damage done. the other day I was laying on the floor with both kids doing finger paints for an hour or so. My wife came in and started crying saying she wishes she could do stuff like that. I don't understand why she cant. (it was fun for me too). Anyway the other day my daughter was giving her Barbi a bath in the sink, and making a mess. not a big deal, we have towels. but my wife yelled at her and told her to stop and get out of the bathroom. My daughter turned to her and said "You never let us have any fun" "You never play with us" "I don't like you". I looked right at my wife and she looked like she had just been shot in the heart. I immediatly said she didn't mean it and that she is just angry. my wife said "no, she's right all I do is yell at them and I hate myself for it"
At this point the kids pretty much want to do stuff with me only, which I can understand because I am not much of a yeller. I do discepline but only when warrented.
I want to be involved in my kids life, and their fun. I have no problem sitting and playing My Little Pony with my baby if it makes her happy or plaing with trucks with my boy. seing them happy makes me have fun too. though I wish My Littly Pony's hair was easier to brush. Ha Ha (No I'm not gay)
when I would drop them off they would cry and grab me and not want me to leave. She would stand there emotionless and tell the kids to get in the house. At the time I wasn't the only one in her way, the kids were in her way also. it is so hard to believe that someone once so caring and great with kids could become so cold. She has come back a little, I think she crashed, because she is now in depression, and I think she is seeing what has happened. but their is damage done. the other day I was laying on the floor with both kids doing finger paints for an hour or so. My wife came in and started crying saying she wishes she could do stuff like that. I don't understand why she cant. (it was fun for me too). Anyway the other day my daughter was giving her Barbi a bath in the sink, and making a mess. not a big deal, we have towels. but my wife yelled at her and told her to stop and get out of the bathroom. My daughter turned to her and said "You never let us have any fun" "You never play with us" "I don't like you". I looked right at my wife and she looked like she had just been shot in the heart. I immediatly said she didn't mean it and that she is just angry. my wife said "no, she's right all I do is yell at them and I hate myself for it"
At this point the kids pretty much want to do stuff with me only, which I can understand because I am not much of a yeller. I do discepline but only when warrented.
I want to be involved in my kids life, and their fun. I have no problem sitting and playing My Little Pony with my baby if it makes her happy or plaing with trucks with my boy. seing them happy makes me have fun too. though I wish My Littly Pony's hair was easier to brush. Ha Ha (No I'm not gay)
ronniesteers
08-23-2006, 02:52 PM
Distroyed, you sound like my fiance. Although I do get annoyed at the messes and things I am getting better about accepting them. I still play with my girl too - play doh, coloring, sometimes barbie, sometimes My Little Ponies too, (no, I didn't think you were gay!:) ) I think sometimes I confuse my daughter because my mood is not consistent and she doesn't know when Mommy is going to "go off" or be "o.k." Realizing that makes me depressed and this morning I was fine we were having breakfast, etc. Then she wouldn't get dressed and after leaving the room to calm down, asking her for the 10th time, suggesting outfits, calmly, letting her pick her own (she didn't see anything in her entire wardrobe that she liked or wanted to wear- boy I can't wait until she's 15!)
Anyway, I totally lost it again with her and started screaming and tugging at her and now today I have been crying most of the day. I did tell her when I was dropping her off at school that Mommy shouldn't scream or pull her, but that I am sick and go to the doctor to get medicine for when Mommy gets mad. (Boy! It really seems to be helping, huh?) I never used to get mad or angry like this at her until she was about two and a half. I remember the problem was that she refused to get in her car seat. I ended up screaming then, too. You know, I was reading an article on the internet today about disciplining children and why hitting/screaming is always a mistake. Because when their teenagers and try to used that warped form of discipline, they will either say **** you and walk out or just go live somewhere else. So why would I even think it's right to do that to my child? I am ashamed, and I hope I don't remind you too much of your wife right now, but I hate myself too for not controlling my anger. I need to do a lot of self help and therapy. Hope you are going slow and steady. Thanks for the chat. You sound like a really cool Dad!
Anyway, I totally lost it again with her and started screaming and tugging at her and now today I have been crying most of the day. I did tell her when I was dropping her off at school that Mommy shouldn't scream or pull her, but that I am sick and go to the doctor to get medicine for when Mommy gets mad. (Boy! It really seems to be helping, huh?) I never used to get mad or angry like this at her until she was about two and a half. I remember the problem was that she refused to get in her car seat. I ended up screaming then, too. You know, I was reading an article on the internet today about disciplining children and why hitting/screaming is always a mistake. Because when their teenagers and try to used that warped form of discipline, they will either say **** you and walk out or just go live somewhere else. So why would I even think it's right to do that to my child? I am ashamed, and I hope I don't remind you too much of your wife right now, but I hate myself too for not controlling my anger. I need to do a lot of self help and therapy. Hope you are going slow and steady. Thanks for the chat. You sound like a really cool Dad!
distroyed
08-23-2006, 04:47 PM
Thanks for the kind words.
Just had another bomb dropped on me. Today my wife had a dr. appt. her Dr. thinks she should take some time to be by herself to figure things out, and deal with the damage she has done. so I guess she is moving out again, but this time the kids are staying with me. I have no problem with that except that after all I've done so far since Jan. and how many time I've taken her back and supported her financially and emotionally only to find that she was with someone else the whole time. I'm starting to feel that "what about me feeling" I feel i've put my feeling on hold to help her for so long and I don't have much energy left. Plus I'm a little confused about the other guy thing after all he was 21 years older and looks even older than that. I know she had problems with her own father and my Dr. tossed around the o'l searching for a Father figure thing and the fact that she wasn't thinking straight, but it still cuts real deep. I don't know how to forget even if she is I'll.
You BP's should come with an owners manual.:D
Just had another bomb dropped on me. Today my wife had a dr. appt. her Dr. thinks she should take some time to be by herself to figure things out, and deal with the damage she has done. so I guess she is moving out again, but this time the kids are staying with me. I have no problem with that except that after all I've done so far since Jan. and how many time I've taken her back and supported her financially and emotionally only to find that she was with someone else the whole time. I'm starting to feel that "what about me feeling" I feel i've put my feeling on hold to help her for so long and I don't have much energy left. Plus I'm a little confused about the other guy thing after all he was 21 years older and looks even older than that. I know she had problems with her own father and my Dr. tossed around the o'l searching for a Father figure thing and the fact that she wasn't thinking straight, but it still cuts real deep. I don't know how to forget even if she is I'll.
You BP's should come with an owners manual.:D
ronniesteers
08-24-2006, 05:41 PM
Isn't that the truth, actually there are alot of books out there on coping with bipolars. I'm sorry this is short but I've been crying on and off all day at work over nothing and waiting for my doctor to call me back to see if she can give me any insight as to what's been going on with me the past two or three weeks. These are cycles, distroyed. I'm just sorry you're the victim here. I make victims too.