Hello all!

I am new to this board and recently had a personal incident that made me realize I could use my energy into helping instead of feeling sorry for myself!

A few years ago, my first husband and I went through infertility issues - on my part - not his. After years of AI and IVF and 4 miscarriages at differenent phases of my pregnancies - it destroyed our marriage. I have since moved on and married a man that had a vasectomy long before I met him. I though that this was my cure! I would never feel the pressure of not having children, nor would I have to endure more treatments because someone else could be blamed other than me. I have since realized - this isn't my cure - it was just a 'quick-fix' for the moment.

Anywhoo - to make a long story short - I know what a lot of you are going through - the joys and the pain. My co-worker who knows my history decided to wait until my birthday to make her announcement that she is pregnant - almost a year older than me (34) and her first pregnancy on the first try. My heart has been broken ever since. I can't in good conscience engage in the 'baby talk' or make comments which takes up the entire office conversation. I never knew how much this would hurt even after a few years of not being in the middle of it.

Again - without trying to feel sorry for myself, I wondered if it were possible to actually be a help to anyone instead of being a 'downer'. All of our experiences have made changes in our lives for one reason or another and it's nice be to able to share those experiences without feeling like you are going to 'offend' someone. I feel that maybe sharing my experiences may help me in the healing process instead of keep it buried deep inside. I know there must be other women who have faced the 'co-worker' situation and I would like to hear your story - as it may be able to help me deal with my issues. I considered it 'free-therapy'! I can't talk about it here at work - but I know I can talk about here.

Everyone women who goes though this difficult time - please remember, you are not alone and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope I can be of some help to someone out there instead of wallowing in my own self-pity!

Thanks for listening and I hope to hear from some of you!

Jen in West Virginia

Hi Jen, and welcome to the board! There are always lots of encouraging words and thoughts around here!
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, I can relate to your coworker experience. Early last year, I told one of my good friends/coworkers that my DH and I were going to start TTC. Well, a couple months later, she was completely flabbergasted to find she was pregnant! She and her DH hadn't even started trying yet, but they practice family planning...and must have miscalculated. Anyway, I by that time was finding I had fertility issues and was happy for her...but at the same time, very envious. Especially as the office was consumed with baby conversations. So I can understand. But I've come to the understanding that all pregnancies are really little miracles. I mean they really are!! I can't help but be excited for someone who gets pregnant, whether planned or accidental, whether easily or difficult. I just keep hoping that someday I can experience some of that joy of parenting, whether it's after fertility treatments, or through adoption. But that's just my situation. Anyway, stay strong. You'll find lots of other women here in much the same boat as you, and that's nice to not feel so alone!!:)

Hello!

Thank you for your reply! I can say I am happy for her - and I really mean that. I wouldn't wish my horrible experiences on my worst enemy. I don't always have the right reaction and the responses to things that are being said around me. It is difficult - but that's why I thought about getting some emotional support and returning the favor.

Thanks again!

Jen

Hi Jen070

I am also new here and know EXACTLY how you must have felt!

I have been ttc for almost 3 yrs:( and have also seen EVERYONE around me get preggies.
I resigned from my job last year (I HATED IT!:mad: ), and went to go visit everyone a few months later.
The guy that got my old job was there, and as soon as he saw me, he started showing me pictures of his 'adorable little angels', two young daughters, one two, and one four. After seeing a dozen of these pictures, he proudly announces that he will become a father again, in September. They went off the pill and was preggies that same cycle!!!:mad: :mad: :mad:

I suppose it wasnt his fault, but I just felt is SOOOO unfair that some people just get lucky when and how they want, and the ones who REALLY want a little :angel: have to just see the months tick by with no luck!

Sucks!

Anyway, perseverance, and more perseverance !!:wave:

Hi Higgie26!

Thanks so much for sharing! Even after not being in the middle of it the last 5 years - I went through pure hell for 7! I so feel your frustration! The co-worker I mentioned - took me out in the hallway yesterday to tell me how 'offended' she was by my lack of engaging in baby conversation and that she doesn't feel I am happy for her. Excuse me - but she takes EVERY opportunity to get a dig in on me whenever possible. At first I ingored it - but yesterday was almost unbearable! I cried all of the way home from work thinking what a horrible person I was being.

I AM happy for her, but you think she wouldn't be so insensitive to my previous situation. She mentioned how 'I needed to get over it, come to terms with it and get over not having a child - that it must not have been meant to be". I realized today that it wasn't me that was being horrible - it was her. Today she mentioned that it must be her 'hormones' that is making her act this way. Whatever!!!

Hi guys, here is my story:

I am 40, so is my DH (k, he is 21 days older than me). However, many people are amazed when they find out we are 40, I guess we are one of those lucky people that look a lot younger. I think this also has to do a lot with personalities, my DH and I like to joke and laugh a lot... (well, just a little of background so you have an idea).

For years, DH has been desperate to start a family, but I had back surgery on 7/03 due to a herniated disc and we had to postpone pregnancy. Meanwhile, DH's family were putting a lot of pressure on him, especially MIL :mad:. My back problems subsided (Thank God) and we started trying. Months past by and nothing. We came to find out I had endometriosis (took me by surprise since I didn't have any symptoms). Did treatment and then started AI which 4 failed. We also found out DH had all kind of problems with his "soldiers". Not enough, lazy, and many were weird looking ones ... LOL...:rolleyes: The ARMY was not like the USA one. Only "Good Few Men"... hahha like the Tom cruise movie.

My MIL started pressuring DH more and more, and DH would tell me. He never told anyone (not even MIL) that he had fertility problems and neither told about my fertility issues. We actually came to the agreement to keep it quite. So every time a member of his family would ask, We would go: "Oh Raiza is still going through back problems and we are just waiting for her to get better" (not true, I was fine now, we thought it was better to say that, than we were having fertility problems).

But believe me, DH and I would always feel bad when people would bug us with the "baby" thing.... that we needed to hurry. You have no idea how much I hated that. And when you know you try and try and the AF comes, you feel really let down and sad.

Then the news on how our friend were going into their second and third pregnancies. We were happy for them, but we really felt empty for us.

Get This, my DH comes home one day and tells me: "You know what my Mom said to me today? She said, that you didn't want to have kids and therefore you were ruining my life". DH husband was so upset at his mom that felt sick. By the third time she brought the same issue up, DH put a stop to it and told her to buss off that it was none of her business. I was glad. But every time I looked at her, I felt angry to be putting my DH against me.

Today we are happy we never told anyone (specially MIL) that we were TTC. We just kept winging it. We only told a couple of people and made them kneel and promise they wouldn't tell anyone (ok, I am exaggerating, but yes, we made them promise not to tell anyone).

Now I am pregnant, and we decided to wait 3 months to tell our friends and rest of our families. Well, DH's family. I told all my family, but they live in Panama and they don't speak English, so there is not way the news would get here. LOL .

I know how hard it is not to be able to get pregnant, it has been such a bad ride and a roller coaster that for me is now hard to believe that it's actually happening.

All my eggs died and no one got to be frozen, I was devastated, I thought the ones they put inside had died as well. But they survived!! My point is, keep on believing, keep on trying, keep having faith. Don't tell too many people because some times some people have bad vibe (sp?) ... just tell the people that you think they "really" care for you.

Good luck to all of you and baby dust to all of you.

Hello all!
I am new to this board .....Thanks for listening and I hope to hear from some of you!
Jen in West Virginia

Wow, rbettis, I can't believe what your MIL said to your DH. If only she knew what insensitive comments she is making, UGH!!! I can understand not telling very many people. My DH and I made the same decision. For a long time, the only person I told was a close friend. It's only recently that I've told my mom. My DH's family still has no idea. We just really don't want to get into it with too many people, and don't want the extra expectation/pressure there when they know about our treatments and what not.

Jen 0707--what a horrible thing for your coworker to say to you, I don't care what her hormones are doing, that's not acceptable! You're absolutely right, it's not you being a bad person, it's her. Just because you can't always join in the baby conversation doesn't mean you aren't happy for her. But for her to downright say to you to "get over" not having a baby and realize it's "not meant to be" is so hurtful. :mad: I hope you gave her a piece of your mind!!

Hi All, :wave:

Jen, I don't approve of violence, but I think your co-worker needs a smack in the head! After the baby is born of course. :jester: No, seriously, I cannot believe she had the nerve to say those things to you! She has NO idea what you have been through. I am so sorry you had to endure all that you went through. You shouldn't have to put up with the insensitivity of other people on top of it.

I have actually had people ask me if I am sterile because we are the only couple in our 'group of friends' without children. I would never think to ask anybody such a personal question. It really baffles me how rude people can be! :nono:

At least we can all be here for each other :D and we all know what it is like to struggle with wanting something SO BAD and not knowing if it will ever become a reality.

You are all my angels :angel:

Holly~

jen i feel we need to realize all children are a blessing, even the ones not given to us, but at the same time it is hard for us to be around the pregnant women sometimes when that is all we ever wanted.. that womens comments were rude, uncalled for, and extremely insensitive, hormonal or not we dont lose all sense of "tact" to say just get over it.. is SOOO RUDE!!!!!! now i know it is a personal decision, but i have found it easier to tell my family then be harrassed about it when me and dh will give my inlaws grandkids.. i found it much better and less stress for ME and DH that they knew, my mom, and my sisterinlaw.. but every1 feels differently... jen i wouldnt talk to this women about anything anymore, as long as your not rude about her talking about her baby bc she has a right to be happy, in no way should u be forced to subject urself to joining the convo that is going to hurt u!!!

Jen...Boy can I relate. My Dh and I have been trying for 5 yrs and our journey is close to the end. My little sister is expecting and due in October...I am truely happy for her, but can't bring myself to talk to her about it....it hurts tooo much. Tears come to my eyes when I speak to my mother about the birth of my upcoming nephew. To top it off my mother asked if I wanted to be incharge of throwing her a baby shower. I know my mother means well...but I just don't think I can do it. I hate the fact that I can't share the joy my sister is going through, but it hurts. My husband and I are on our 2nd attempt at IVF...we have had 3 failed IUI's and of course 1 failed IVF. I just started Lupron yesterday....my expected ER is set for Sept 11. I do share my experiences with a couple of friends, but they too are going through fertility problems...I try not to tell my family only because I cant bare to hear the I'm sorry...or maybe next time...or when they bring up how much this is costing us....I even had my ex-employer tell me ....can you imagine the size of house you and your DH could have bought with all the money you have spent.....My reply was what difference does the size make if we can't fill it with kids. Anyway through it all what hurts the most is the fact that I can't share the joy with my sister....I don't know if she understands why I can't be there for her....and I hate that I can't make myself.

Guys, I have been reading this post, and I can't help to think that sometimes people are insensitive.

But How I can explain this, sometimes they don't even know they are being insensitive. That is why we decided not to tell any one about our infertility problems.

I have a friend that has two daughters, and every time she called me she would ask me: "When are you going to have kids? What are you waiting for? bla bla bla" and then she would laugh so hard like if she either was making fun of me or if it was actually a joke. Thank God I never told her about our problems and I learned not to give explanations to people whether why I was having kids or not. What for? she may not really care, of if she did, how could she understand? after all, she got pregnant easy! Also, another consolation was that I really didn't want her life, I don't care how many kids she had! I looked at my DH and I thought how blessed I was (her DH is not very nice).

I think I have been insensitive myself and I swear, it was unintentionally. I have a good friend that had an abortion years ago. She was one of the very few that knew about DH and I infertility problems. However, I never EVER mentioned to her about how many women kill their children or have abortions and so many of us struggle to even get pregnant. I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

But this last time, I was talking to her about going finally through my IVF and they were going to do the transfer. She asked me, "what would you do if they put 4 embies and all take?" I said something to the fact: "Well, we have to be responsible people, and we need to know what we are going into". If we can't afford 4 then they shouldn't put the four. But I would not have a reduction". I totally forgot that she has had an abortion. Now, I think she is hurt and not talking to me. I emailed her and called her --> no response :( . She usually responds.

I know she says she did the right decision at the time. And I don't judge her at all. After all, who am I to judge? only God. But I know deep down she regrets it.

withinreach, your answer couldn't be any better: >>>"My reply was what difference does the size make if we can't fill it with kids."<<<< I hope he learns to be more sensitive.

But in reality, we all in this world need to be more sensitive. I would stay away from those people that never learn.

Have you ever thought of the people that can get pregnant but some how don't know what to say to the people that can't? I think they also feel bad because they want any of us to be happy as well.

OMG! Thank you everyone! I know this sounds stupid - but I actually stayed home yesterday because my heart just can't take much more. All day long all I hear is about what to decorate the baby's room with - what colors, what new maternity clothes she bought. I can't stop crying! Even now that I am writing this - it's bringing tears to my eyes. I just want to explain to her that she shouldn't take anything for granted! That's what hurts - she doesn't expect to have problems - well, HELL no - no one EXPECTS to have problems. The worst day in my life was to come home to an empty nursery after losing my first one at six and half months, had to be induced into labor and then give birth to a stillborn little girl. I can't stress how things don't always go 'as planned' and each day should truly be a gift and must be cherished. Sorry, girls - I just had to get that out, and believe it or not, I do feel somewhat better!

Love to all and may all of your hopes and dreams come true!
Jen

Jenn,
I am so so so very sorry, I wish I could hug you. I really hope you can find a way to overcome this.

God bless your heart.

jen my heart goes out to you and i couldnt imaging dealing with what u have had too,. to make it through the day with all these "pregnant" women i work with, i feel like i cant be mad at them, because if we didnt fo through infertility and we were like the other 80% of women out there, would we understand?? would we get it?? i still think id have more "tAct and sensitivity" because its just the kinda person i am, but to most women pregnancy and children are natural, so it is hard for them to not express their joy.. and if u were pregnant someone who was haiving a hard time might be jealous of u.. thats why i try so hard to just be excited for the blessing god has given these women, and i pray they dont take it for granted.. and hey STAY home, we all have days we need that sometimes, somedays it just gets too be too much!!!!

I can relate to all of your heart break. My closest friend just became pg after a 2 month relationship. Last Saturday night she came over and she was telling me all about it and she was telling me how her mom was disappointed with her and I looked at her and said You know I was really sad at first and I started crying cause she knows everything we are going through and have gone through just to even have a little taste of what she just achieved in a month. But I proceeded to say you know even though I was so sad now I am just so happy for you and glad that you will be able to feel that joy. Cause she has been single for so long and I just felt so badly for her but now instead of coming home at night only to be by herself, she is going to have a baby in April and is getting married in November. Sometimes I don't understand Gods plan but then I look at the whole picture and think okay I see why that happened or I can see how the baby will do nothing but bless that persons life etc. I am just waiting ever so patiently for my blessing as the rest of you are. I also read on this board I think it was from Rbettis saying that her friend was always asking when are you going to have kids etc...I have one just like that only she is kind of an interesting gal let me tell ya. She always says you guys need to have kids get to work bla bla and then she says if you need me to be your surrogate I will:dizzy: . My DH and I just laugh it off like ha ha we want to have our own children thank you very much. We were shocked with that statement. So I must say being infertile there is so much you go through and learn and maybe like Asprousey said going through this really overall makes us better people we gain understanding and really just become more sensitive and compassionate to what other people may be going through because we know how much we struggle in our own lives with this.

Withinreach I too am on my 2nd IVF and my ER is also on 9/11. I thought that was really cool that our dates are right on the button. I wish you all the luck in the World it feels nice knowing that someone else will be doing the exact same thing as me on the same day! I will be praying for you. If you would like to finish off our cycles together you can meet up with me on 3rd IVF thread and we can talk more in detail. :wave: