Hi there, Just lost my brother who was 46 in a horrible car wreck, we were very close and he was the nicest person you could meet, my heart hurts and I do not know how to deal with this, I feel like throwing up sometimes, raging other times, cry at a drop of a hat. its been 6 weeks and I hurt!! No one seems to understand the pain. Went to shrink and he was falling asleep on me...so...anyone want to talk?

carolyn I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. can you look into a support group in your area and maybe meet other people who have lost loved ones unexpectedly? Of course, you will get lots of support here, but I thought maybe an in-person one would be good too.

I have looked, have not found any at this time, small town, or everyone is dealing with their pain on there own, thats why I came here. I look foward to support and help from you all out there

well stick around carolyn - this place is a godsend!
:angel:

thank you!!!! I need you guys!!

carolyn - I'm afraid anything I say will sound trivial.....but how about doing something in your brothers memory, maybe plant a tree or a garden?

Oh my god, what a wonderful idea. I will take my daughter and son and do that, my mom can come later, think it would be hard. Oh thank you gives me something constructive to do, where do you live, east or west coast? He was such a free spirit and sooooo nice, how do you ever get over that??

Hi Carolyn - I'm in Chicago. I'm glad you liked the idea. I wasn't sure if it was a good one or not. Since you like it, maybe you could tailor it a little towards your brother. What kind of vegetables did he like? Plant them, and when they harvest have a nice meal and remenice about him. What was his favorite color? Plant some flowers in that color. Have your kids pick out something special that they like and they will be involved and it will help them with the healing process. As far as how do you get over it? I don't think you ever really do.....you just go on living because that's what they would want you to do and hopefully you become at peace with it after time. In time you will be able to think of your brother and smile. Right now it's hard. Share memories with your kids, so he will stay alive in their hearts too. Celebrate his birthday with his favorite dessert, etc. When my dad died I made a list of memories, the more I wrote down, the more I remembered. Some of them were so deep in my memory, but it made me feel good to read the list and remember them. I also got comfort from looking at pictures of him when he was healthier and happy.
:angel:

Chicago, cool, I am in Washington State. You have great ideas and I will do everyone of them. some will have to wait till next year because of the weather, he loved tomatoes and died before he could plant them, its sad, I do look at pictures and the thing is he is always smiling, wish I could be like him, I will try to learn, but we are two different people...maybe I will learn to be a kinder, more patient person, like him, but that will take time too, since I get so angry that he was taken away and so horribly, I am sure its a process, but somedays its just exhausting. It is amazing how much it can change your life. Its also amazing how much people think you should be over it already. Life has proved to be amazing. So tell me about your dad?:wave:

Hi Carolyn,
My dad has been gone for a while now, but I still think of him, practically every day. He died in December 2000, after a long struggle with parkinsons disease at the age of 72. He was in a nursing home the last couple years and had no quality of life. My dad was the kind of guy who was always clowning, joking around, making people laugh. I found some pictures of him when he was a kid, wearing a black leather jacket, white socks and penny loafers....looking like a greaser and he was sitting 1/2 in and 1/2 out of a garbage can with a big grin on his face. It always makes me smile to see that picture, to remember him when he was healthy and happy. I know my situation is different than yours. When my dad died, it was a blessing for him. He was no longer in pain. With your brother, it wasn't a blessing, it was a terrible shock......so it will be harder to accept. There's never a good time to lose someone, even if it is expected, but if it's unexpected I think it's even worse. My heart goes out to you. Did your brother have a wife, girlfriend, kids?:angel:

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your lose, Your brother died way too young, it's hard. planting a tree is great, When my Father died we planted a Bush-Have to may tree's in our yard-not enough room, We also have a bird feeder, he always fed the birds, so we continued his tradition. Every Christmas we buy an ornament that reminds us of him, We hand it on the tree Christmas Eve, little things like that helps.
Karen

My brother has a son who lives in California, his ex wife Judy moved years ago, I adored her but it did not work out for them, the sad thing about this subject is she got remarried, to a horrible man and in 1996 she was killed in a murder/suicide , My heart broke for Jesse (my newphew) but he stayed down in California where he finished school and lived with his other aunt. So now hes lost both parents in such tragic horrible ways. He has not called, he is 25 but I kinda understand that he may just need to grieve, I am here for him if he needs me. I wish he would need me. He lost so many friends during his life and it would just devestate him, cause he loved so much, and now he is gone, I do look at his photos and so may are gone, there in there 40's is is not right. Your helping so much letting me get this out, I know when I leave work I will cry all the way home, but its a good thing....somethimes.....hope to hear from you tommarrow

Hi Karen, I love your ideas too, I love the christmas ornament as I thought NO XMAS THIS YEAR, but as tearful as it will be we will have to have it, for the kids, to be together. I will go home listening to Jimmy Buffett since that is who he loved as a singer, I guess from what I am being told is keep there memory alive. Thanks for talking to me, it helps so much, tell me what happened with you? hope to hear from you, got to go home, singing MARGARITIVILLE, and crying, but a good cry?!?

I'm truly sorry about your brother's death, particularly at such a young age. I've lost several siblings, but they were in their 70's, which you would think would make it little easier. But, in close knit families where there is much love, the age makes no difference. The pain from your loss seems almost unbearable to you right now, but it really will get a little bit easier to bear as each day, month and year pass by. I still miss my sisters a lot, but I don't cry as much as I used to. BUT, that doesn't mean that I'm not missing them. God will help us deal with our burdens, if we let him. They're in a far, far, better place. Try to get through each day, one day at a time. God bless.

How terrible for you, losing your brother so young, Carolyn. And in such tragic circumstances.
If you wanted to connect with your nephew, why not send him a card saying you are there for him if he wants to talk or even just that you are thinking about him.
My Father died recently and I bought the George Winston Cd 'Remebrance'.
This was made primarily for 9/11 and |think it is very special. It is good for remembering any loved one who has died especially as the result of a tragic accident. You can get it online from Amazon or ebay.
You and your brother will be in my thoughts.
Maya

Hi Carolyn,
How are you doing today? Can you call your nephew and try to stay connected to him? Maybe he can be of some comfort to you, (and you, him)as he is a link to your brother.

Hi! Today okay, wish I could talk to him, at had been so many years and when him mom died, I tried and he was young but he never wrote back, I thought in time he would, but never happened, will try again with a letter or maybe get his email. Spoke to his best friend last night, he has been dying from bone cancer for the last 7 months, we all grew up together he was our next door neighbor, but they were like brothers, he said he feels right now now that Johnny (my brother) is with him, and it makes him feel good during this terrible time, so that made me feel good, I said believe it cause he's with you. He said he could not wait to go..and see him. But then I cry cause there is another wonderful person leaving us. I am not understanding why this is all happening, and to such good people. So waiting for him to be at peace, I hurried and sent pictures of them as teenagers so he would enjoy remembering....this is just too werild for me. do you have any explanation for why why why, god keeps taking people I love away?!?!?! carolyn

Hi Carolyn,
So your brother listened to Jimmy Buffet, My father loved Johnny Cash, when I hear his music It dose sooth my heart and as time goes on, you will find allot of things that will give you peace, it's kind of odd because sudden you will remember something that you haven't thought about in ages that you and your brother did and you will feel a sense of warmth, I think of my Dad everyday, he will always be in my heart and will never be forgotten. My first Christmas with my Father being gone was challenging but I made sure I was happy for my children and that they enjoyed there holiday, Christmas day we went to my Mom's house where the entire family was, you could feel the sadness but we all felt that it was a good time to be together and we all shared our specail stories our Dad, Some were funny, it helped us all deal with the situation, some tears and lots of hugs.
Karen:angel:

Hi Karen, Good Morning! Yes he was a "parrot head" which if you don't know is fans of Jimmy Buffett. I had them play two of his songs at the memorial, Margaritiville and changes in attitude, also Alan Jackson - 5oclock somewhere. There were a few raised eyebrows from my great aunts, but it was for him....and I got to choose...and it wasn't in church....so I played what I thought he would love, and when they played Margaritiville, you could not help but tap your foot, so it was all good. My family felt it was great and so did his friends, just the aunts and one uncle. What happened to your Dad? I love Johnny Cash, I grew up listening to him because my dad loved him. Go to shrink person today, don't know if it will help, this blog seems more helpful. you all are so caring. so talk to me....
Carolyn

Hi Carolyn, Rosequartz and Karen,

My Mom died on August 3rd and on Tuesday we are planting a split leaf Janpanese Maple in her garden. We are then going to put some of her ashes in with it. It is about 4 feet in diamater and 2 feet high made of rounded blocks, probably the same type you might use to build a fire pit. Once the tree is in and the ashes then we are going to put river rock in there and place a picture of her on it. In addition, she has three sisters who all toll paint and they are going to paint some of the rocks.

Jen38

Jen I'm so sorry about your mom. I think what you're doing in her honor is a really nice idea. The painting of the rocks by her sisters is really unique.

Carolyn - how are you these days?

so sorry for all of your losses. my daughter passed away august 26,1997. since then i have thought so many times about what i could do in her honor. we finally bought our own home 4 years ago and am thinking of planting something on my front lawn in her honoe. we also have a park in my area named after a local girl who died. i can buy a block with my daughters name on it to be placed in their walkway. glad you guys are all here. wish it were for a different reason. it helps so much to see otheres go on.:)

Hi Rosequartz, I am doing fine, thanks for caring, have had some bad days lately, feel sick a lot, but its just all the pain I think trying to get out. I miss him so much, that the rest of life sometimes seem so worthless..I have been writing in a journal, it usually ends up being to him, it helps get all emotions out sometimes, I wish I could go back two months and tell him not go out, but thats silly too. went to dr, she says its going to hurt, you have to feel what you feel, and quit trying to heal so fast....so I will try.

Hi Carolyn,
Glad to hear from you!
I have to agree with the doctor.....you just have to go through it.....that's the only way to come out the other side.....there is no way around it. I know what you mean, wouldn't it be nice if we could go back in time and change one little thing, ever so slightly, so that the outcome would be different? I had a friend die on the back of a motorcycle about 10 years ago and I agonized for a long time about it. She had left a party with her boyfriend and they were on their way home. Someone made a u-turn in front of them and hit the bike straight on the side. She flew and came down on the pavement with a broken neck and died instantly. He was in the hospital for weeks and couldn't even attend her funeral. I often wondered, what if....what if they left the party 5 minutes sooner......5 minutes later.....got stopped by one extra red light......I had people tell me it doesn't matter, that when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter what you're doing, where you are, etc.....it's your time......you're gonna die, no 2 ways about it. I struggle with that....a lot. I like to believe we have some control over our destiny. I think they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. People were telling me that when you're born, it's already pre-determined when you will die. I refused, and still refuse to believe that. What do you think?
Grief is a sad sad thing. I know what you mean about missing him so much that nothing else matters. You will get through it.
:angel:

hey rosequartz...(whats your name?) I know exactally what you are saying!!!!! I have heard it some many damn times, I could scream!! I think they are are terrible accidents, that they were unlucky!!!! he was so close to home, it was not meant to happen, I have had issues, and not to upset anyone, but issues with the "man up stairs" we have had a hard time talking since it happened, people say he picked him because he was such a good, kind person, sorry not buying it yet...and that he is happier now, I hope so but know he would much rather be with all of us, and his friends, loving life as he did. So i have a lot of emotional turmoil when it comes to what people feel about it. Maybe its true, but just not "feeling it."I am So sorry about your friend, I hurt for you, and please keep talking to me , it helps me get out feelings I would not normally get out, thank you!!!! Carolyn:angel: :angel

Hi Carolyn - how are you doing these days?
:angel:

Dear,
'Support is everywhere. It comes from other people - strangers, best friends, communities and organizations. It comes from your environment, from your Higher Power, and from cherished things. It comes from you as a gift to yourself - learning how to take care of yourself is an important part of healing for many people!

Support is anything that freely nurtures and sustains you. The possibilities are endless. A singing bird on a quiet afternoon can do it. A day at an amusement park can do it too. Solitary meditation does it for some people. Attending a support group does it for others. A smile can be just as supportive as a community-wide relief effort. It just depends on you and what you need at any given time during your recovery'.
May God Bless You!

I just got done reading most of the several pages listed here. Just wanted to let you know of my situation and things I have done to help myself. In January it will be 4 years since my brother died in a car accident. Here is the story in July of 2005 he was in a car accident and they didn't think he was going to make it. He had brain surgery which was very risky and pulled through wonderfully. Well in January of 2006 he got in another accident (what luck huh?) and died in this one. He was only 22 years old. Him and I were very close when he died. It was such a tragic non expectant death. Especially since he had been in such a horrible accident several months before. I am the one who had to take the phone call from the police station because my mom told them she couldn't listen to them (because they were telling her her son was dead). Still almost 4 years later it is VERY hard to even type this. I still think about him constantly and miss him more than ever. After he died I remember my mom telling me to try and always remember the way Cory (my brother) sounded when he talked and the way he laughed. I blew it off thinking yeah right, I could never forget the way my brother sounds. Well 4 years later it is very distant and hard for me to remember what his laugh sounds like and that KILLS me!!! :mad: I have not yet been to any therapy about this. I know I should because I suffer from severe panic and post traumatic stress disorder. I have 3 other brothers and one of them has been in therapy for about 4 months now and said it is working wonders for him. It took so long for Cory's death to take a toll on my family. Just now we are beginning to seek help. I think it was such a shock and we put it out of our minds for so long. Anyway, a book that I would suggest reading is When Bad things happen to good people. I cannot remember the author right now. I will ask my mom and get back to you. Also another thing I did which was wonderful (and do it now before memories start to fade) is get this journal type thing that is called Angel Catcher. :angel: I think you can buy them online (I would just google it). My parents got this for me and my brothers after Cory died and it is wonderful. It is a journal that helps you deal with loss and grief. It gives you prompts to write about for instance some of the pages begin with 1)This was our last conversation-and then you write about the last conversation you had with your brother 2)Watching you go was.... 3)At the time I felt...

Also you there are prompts in there to write about the funeral, your brothers favorite things etc. It is a WONDERFUL thing to own after you lose someone close to you!!! Anyway, sorry this is so long...If you need anything else let me know!!!

-Stacie

Carolyn-Hane you contacted your local Hospice? The one here where I live has a greiving program-to help you get through this. Ours is through some of of the local churches. If you don't have one-that's what we're here for - it's helping me get through the loss of my mom. Cherie :angel: