In June my best friends 17 year old daughter died tragically, she dropped her cell phone off a cliff and fell about 100ft to her death. I cant even imagine what she is going through since I have a 14 yr old daughter. I cant get her to even leave the house or even answer the phone. The only way I get to see her is if I just go to her house and basically barge in. She had her daughter cremated and doesnt want to leave the house because she will be leaving her daughter alone. She wont go to the doctor or speak to any kind of therapist at this point. The pain in her face when I look at her just makes my heart crumble and I want to help her I just dont know how. Anyone out there ever had a similar experience or some good advice on how I can help her? TI

Hi,
It sounds like your friend is in need of some serious counseling but if she will not leave the house that is where the problem lies. Dose she belong to a church?? If so, I would call and have a talk with the Pastor, Minister or Rabi, explain the situation and ask them to do a home visit, Maybe if they would come once a week and council her, they may help her. That was such a tragic death, It was sudden and horrible way to die, no one could ever be mentally ready to handle that one.
Karen W.:angel:

debb00----------be there. keep an eye on her. i too lost my 21 year old daughter tragically and with no warning. everyone grieves differently. there is no right and no wrong way. in time God willing she will seek help when she is ready it can never be on someone else's time. it took me 10 months to even believe my daughter passed. i worked and went on. when it hit me it was like it just happened. the thoughts a parent has are hard to understand by those who have not lost children. my hardes was the first winter my daughter was gone. i would be up all night thinking about her cold, outide in the snow, rain, wind. it was horrible so i understand your friend not wanting to leave the house. i also couldn't ravel for years becasue i felt if i did and she came home i wouldn't be there. the mind and heart in a case like this is traumatized. give her time. all you can do is be there for her. don't worry about barging in, if she really doesn't want to talk maybe you could just do some dishes, make her a cup of tea. just be there. don't worry about saying the right thing. there is nothing to say. my prayers are with you and her. you're a good friend. just keep being one.

Thank you for the advice I just want to be there for her and that is what I will do. What you said about her comming home is the exact same thing she said to me, that is why she doesnt want to leave the house. I will just keep being there for her and hopefully we can get her somewhat through this. Thanks again for the great advice and I am sorry for your loss as well.

thanks. keep coming here if you need help. maybe your friend will visit one day.

Grieving is a hard journey. There is no "fix" for it. All you can do is make sure she knows that you are there for her. If she doesn't want company...don't take it personally. Some people just can't publicly tolerate being around others when they are mourning such a huge loss.

My husband died on August 6th, and I didn't want anyone around me. The only person that I could even tolerate expressing feelings to was my best friend in Canada...via email. I know I offended many people that were just trying to "help". Unfortunately, there just isn't any "help" sometimes. Nothing short of bringing my husband back home is of any help to me at this stage in the journey.

People handle things very differently, and no one handles grief the same way. There are no time limits...and the person shouldn't be made to feel like there is something wrong with them. I know that I'm acting totally out of character for my usual personality, but that's the way it is right now. It's a process, and there isn't any way around it. Just be available....at some point she may reach out and get to the point where she needs someone.

I know she appreciates that you are there for her...even if she isn't able to express it the way she normally would. And bless you for trying....I know that it's not easy to be on the end of wanting to help, and feeling helpless to do so.

Just remember...it's not personal.

I'm very sorry for your loss Sissypie. Thanks again for the advice - its been really helpful. She actually reached out to me this past Friday and called me. I think its the first time shes called me since the day her daughter died. We had a good conversation, I even got her to laugh a few times. She went to work 2 days that week which I told her was great, since its next to impossible to get her to leave the house as I said. I'm planning to get together with her over the long weekend comming up. Just to sit and talk, cry or whatever shes up for. BTW - this site is great. Its nice to talk to someone outside the family/friend circle.

you are a good friend.:wave:

Hi, I've just joined Health Boards, and I was so glad to find an inclusion for people coping with loss through death. I was so touched by your letter searching for help for your friend's loss of her daughter. I have lost 3 people in my family in under 4 years, and like many others on this site, I have been stunned by the unexpected lack of support from people I've been friends with for 30 years, and others who I thought would show they cared by at least sending a card or calling to just ask "How are you doing". It helped me just to see your letter---to know that there are people like you who will not cop out with the lame excuse so many have of not knowing what to say---at least you are actively trying to help your friend. Bless you, Katherine

Deb -

it is so ironic to me when I read your post. I lost my best friend in June 2005 from breast cancer. She was 28 and I was 29 at that time. I know what your best friend is going through, as I went through something similar. It's like you want somebody there, but you don't you don't want anybody there. You want the one person there who can't be there. It takes time and I am glad to here that she contacted you. Definately a good sign. I would try to be there for her as much as you are able too. However, equally important is taking care of yourself and being able to vent your feelings. Your going to need to keep yourself well in order to continue helping her. Counseling or a bereavement support group might be a good option when she is ready for that. Keep posting and let me know how things turn out.