My mother has alztheimers and I have been taking care of her for the last 3years.In the beginning it wasn't so bad,but this last year has been a nightmare.I've explained it to my other 3 sisters and they just tell me to get use to it and ignore her because it is a sign of the illness which I know this but when I ask for them to back me when we confront mother on her verbal and mental abuse they tell me we will talk with her and when we do they act like their afraid of her and don't want to hurt her feelings.What about mine.My Oldest sister and her husband pay me to take care of her.Like I said in the beginning it wasn't so bad,but now I dred having to go and help her each day.I never know when I walk in the door if she is going to be grippy,accuse me of something,are even shoot me.She does have to guns in the house,but my sister said she took the bullets out of the house.How do I know this for sure.She blames me for stealing from her,not fixing her medications right,the lawn being watered too much or not enough,how to drive her car which she is not permitted to drive anymore,not leaving her windows down on her car in the garage,taking over her home and arranging everything in her home the way I wanted it.Not true.If I try to defend myself she always tells me I know everything.She has accused me of getting in her purse without her permission,and going thru her closets and her dresser drewes.My Sister told me they needed to be straighted up because they were a mess and she couldn't find anything.Well,I did this but asked her first and she tells me and everyone else weeks later that she didn't give her permission and that I ramsacked her house through her personal belongings.She is never happy with anything in her life.She puts everyone down,especially her family and we have done so much for her.She repeats the same old stories of how pitiful things were in her past,and I try to get her to look forward and not backwards.She ignores me and finishes her stories anyway about fifty thousand times aday,everyday.If things aren't the way she wants them to be are you dispute anything she says or does she throws a temper tantrum like a little bitty child.She'll throw things,slam doors,scream,pull her hair,stomp her feet and storms away shouting,and saying I know you Know everything.Most of the time she doesn't even know her six kids name.She'll get mad when she trys to think of their names during conversation and says oh you know,my daughters name or sons name.She takes catnaps all thru the day and tells me and everyone that she never could take a nap in the day time like some people do because if I do I want sleep at night.Bull.It sounds probably like I have burned out.That's not the problem.I'm just tired of being the butt of all her arguements.I hate fights,but she knows how to really push the right buttons.I can take and take and then my steam just blows and I let her have it.I know this isn't right,but she has mentally and emotionnally exhausted me.I do feel bad about this but I don't know what to do about her.I don't have a support group from my family in this matter.They always side with her so not to make her angry or hurt and think nothing about me and my feelings.Well,wednesday we got into a good one.I tried to just blow it off as something minor and to not worry about it and she accused me of saying she caused the mishap which I didn't.Another temper tantrum.It is becoming a daily thing now.So my sister told me that when she acts like that to just pick up and go home.I had already feed her and did what needed to be done around the house and told her I was going home.She said go home then.So I did.I'v had to do this about four or five times in the last three years and I think that is good.Needless to say it is Thursday now and I haven't been back.Hopefully this will make her think.Ha!I doubt it.My health isn't great now either.I now have diebeties,osteoporosis,am on zoloft and have been experiencing severe headaches and nausea with diarrea after one of these bouts with mother.My mother has it made,my sister and her husband bought her a new home,bought her a car which I drive for her to all of her appointments as she no longer needs to drive.When I take her to the Dr. and we leave the rest of the family wants to know what the dr.said and she gives a complete different story about what the dr.says If I say anything she tells me I'm lieing that the Dr. did not say that.If she has an appointment at a certain time during the week with her Dr.,you can bet that every morning when I get their she is standing at the door gripping me out because were late to the Dr.Yes,she is dressed and holding her purse waiting for me.I tell her fifty thousand times everyday when her appointment is.Then again she'll say,what time did yoou say we have our Dr.s appointment.This is just the beginning.I'm going nuts.I keep trying to hang in their because I'm not a quitter,but this has diffinently gotten the better of me.I hate to quite because I gave up my daycare center in my home to help my mother out and it is now the only income I receive.What to do,What to do?Help,Desperate.Not looking forward to going in tomorrow.Hopeless.

Dear Cinderella,

You have to assert yourself. You have sisters who do nothing but fork over some money. No amount of money in the world can compensate a Dementia caregiver for the agonies they go through every day.

What you have described is typical of an Alzheimer patient, but there is no logical reason why YOU have to be stuck with the caregiving. You did it for 3 years, as long as it was humanly possible. Now she is in an advanced state (accusing you of stealing etc is typical ) and she needs to be in a facility with resources to deal with those delusions. You can't be expected to do it.

Tell the rest of our family that enough is enough and you are not going to do it anymore. Find out the names of a few good nursing homes nearby and go there with your sisters to check them out, then Mom can be moved in. She will protest, but it has to be, for her own safety. Soon she will be roaming at night, burning things, etc. Going over there every day is not going to be enough, she needs round the clock care. Then you can get a new job at another day care center (I did that too for the whole 5 years I was Mom's caregiver!)

I can't emphasize enough that your family needs to take your point of view seriously. Go away for 2 weeks and let them do the day to day care --- that should wake them up. They are all in denial. "Oh it's only a part of this disease, get used to it" doesn't help when someone is threatening to shoot or knife you!

Be strong, be assertive, and get the help you need and deserve .. she is THEIR mother too!

Love,

Martha

(I've been there and done all of that!)

Dear Cin: I agree with Martha with a big AMEN SISTER!!! You need to get a life that doesn't involve taking caring of your Mom. If you don't, you're going to be the one needing to be taken care of with all your medical problems. The stress you are dealing with is enough to cause all kinds of illness. Do what Martha said, gather the family round and tell them in no uncertain terms how it's gonna be and then go and take a vacation and get another job. This is just not worth any amount of money they are paying you. I'm not putting your Mom down, I know it's hard to see her with AD, but you have to face the facts that she is only going to get worse, not better and the NH is equipped to handle her. Do this and don't feel guilty. You did all you could do and then some - I don't know how you did it this long. Please keep us posted, everyone is here for you and they know what they are talking about! C:dizzy:

Hi Cinderrella.

I agree with what Martha and Cyt said but I want to add a few other things.

First, you must know that the mom you see in front of you is NOT the mom who raised you. She's in the same body but it's not her. It's Alzheimer's, the Imposter. The awful accusations and everything else that's causing you grief are coming from the Imposter, NOT your mother.

Second, arguing or correcting the Imposter (alzheimers) makes things worse, not better.

Third, you don't have to defend yourself. You know you're right. And when talking to your siblings about mom's doctor's appointment or anything else, you'd probably be best to let mom say whatever she wants to say and then take your siblings aside and tell them the truth. People with AD often confuse reality and fiction and trying to correct them just confuses them more.

Fourth, from what you've said about your mother, it sounds to me that she should never be alone again. She needs to have full time professional care. You can't be there 24/7. Besides, you've done more than enough to help her. Frustration, depression, anger, guilt, that's all part of something called caregiver burnout. And honey, you've got it. Believe me, I've been there. Like you, my health was affected. You need to take care of yourself now, especially with diabetes.

And finally, you probably see your mom much more than your siblings do. That means you see much more of what your mom is like now. And because you are your mother's caregiver, she is probably treating you worse than anyone else in the world. This may be because she knows deep down (but won't admit to you) that she is losing her memory AND her independence. She's becoming more and more dependent on you and she resents that. My dad knew he was losing his memory long before he told anyone. And he knew what he would become like as the disease progressed because his dad died from it. I can't imagine what that must have felt like. Just please remember that the next time your mom accuses you of doing something you didn't do.

Love, Barb

Cinderella,
Ahhhhhhhh. We do know what you're going through. Many of us have tried and tried to keep our loved one at home. Or care for them in their own homes. But, you reach a point in this illness when it just CAN NOT be done.

I was devastated when I finally had to find a group home for my mother, even though it's only a few blocks away from me. I was so sure I could keep her home with me. But like you, my own health was deteriorating. I was so stressed I'd tremble and just felt like a raging bull inside because of all the un-truths that mom would tell.

It isn't your mom, it's the disease. That's how they all behave. It's just part of the illness. I know that doesn't help much when you're the one getting the blunt end of it, but that's what it is. All the other ladies are right. You have to tell your family, you simply can't do it. I know, I was afraid to tell my brothers, too. I'm the only daughter, they rarely visited, and I was certain they would think I was exaggerating her behavior. But it didn't go that way at all. They were in total agreement and very understanding about what I was going to do, knowing they could never take care of her themselves.

I know the money is important, but it just isn't worth your health. It just isn't.

I'm glad you found us. We truly understand. And keep coming back.

Thank you everyone.It is so nice to hear some encouraging words from all of you who know what I am going thru.I must also let you know that my childhood and one of my sisters whom I give credit for really raising me had a brutal relationship with my mother.Out of the six kids we two were horribly treated.We were very muchly physically as well as verbally abused.Another of my sisters was my moms pet.She could do no wrong and still can't and we could do no right.We were always told we were worhless and good for nothing.Always told we would never amount to anything and etc.But anyway my sister that is my pet told me she thought this time with mother would help us to get closer.Ha! It has only made it worse and brought all those memories freshly back and made me more resentful of her.I haven't talked to her much the last 2days.I just do what needs to be done and wait to go home.She tries to make conversation,but I really have nothing to say to her nor do I want to.I just want her to leave me along.I cordially talk to her as needed and that is all if at all possible.The other problem is that I have been paid in advance and the money I received I have used towards the remoderling of our home,so I have to stick it out until the last of November.No choice.So I plan on continueing contacting all of you to keep my sanity until this time expires.You wonderful people don't know how much I appreciate your thoughts,love and support.I really need it and have gotten myself in a bad fix for now.Stay in touch with me please and give any of your tricks until I can get out of this.Love Yall Loads,Cinderrella:dizzy:

Dear Cinderella,

Now I understand your pen name!

We all learn from our mistakes. You'll get through the next few months and then you have to have Plan B all ready - you start applying for jobs before Novemeber, and tell your sisters 'Oct 31 is my last day as Mothercare person.' Then say bye bye and go!

I also had to get though a few months before my brohter's kind offer to take mom came about; he promised in december, but for JUNE, after the school term ended. It was the longest 6 months of my life but just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel helped!

Wishng you all the best!

love,

Martha

My dad was an alcoholic when I was younger. He stopped drinking many years ago but still wasn't the best of fathers. He was more of what they call a dry drunk. He was very close to my younger sister. She was (and still is) the one who can do no wrong (boy if he only knew but that's another story). I was kind of just treated like I was there and that's about it. Kind of like the kid next door. I was never included on things he and my sister did. My older brother was treated like gold too but my older sister got the brunt of dad's nastiness. I won't go into the awfullness that his drunken states brought into our house. There was some physical abuse but it was mostly mental. Dad did become a better (not neccesarily nicer) person as he aged although always remained sort of distanced from most of us. I never really felt close to him. But when AD reared it's ugly head, it was like dad reverted back to the state he was in when he was a drunken @$$hole. And suddenly I was the child looking for dad's love which I never felt I had before. And when I moved in to take care of him, I felt as though I was moving back in time to my childhood. Before I could effectively deal with the AD, I had to first deal with the old emotional wounds that were ripped open again. It was honestly the toughest time of my life. AD just brought back all of those old feelings I thought I had let go of (obviously I didn't).

And then a friend who had gone thru a similar experience with her father who wasn't a drinker told me that I needed to stop looking for love from a sick person. And she was right. I was still, at 41, that little girl looking for daddy's love. Dad was sick with AD. But he's always been sick-in his mind. Anyone who treats their children like some of us were treated HAD to be sick in the head. I mean I was molested by my dad's friend and when I told him about it, he laughed. What man in his right mind would laugh at that? But I've worked thru it and survived. That in itself is a miracle.

I won't say that I don't think of it sometimes and even feel hurt. But I manage. I have people I talk to about it and that helps a lot.

I, like you, thought that when I moved in with dad it would bring us closer. It did in a way and it didn't. He became dependent on me but always made it clear he wanted to be with my younger sister (his favorite) several hundred miles from us. He's there now and you know what? I don't want what he can't give me anymore. I love him and I talk to him a lot. But I can never have what I didn't get as a child. It's too late now. As they say, the past is gone. He's the child now and I'm the adult. I can care for him from a distance.

You're in the midst of the storm now and I imagine sometimes you feel like you're getting hit with hurricane force winds. Hold on tight. You'll make it thru this. Believe me if I can make it, you can too. Just hold on.

Love and hugs, Barb

Friends, I often wonder if the drive to be a caregiver - whether for your own parent or spouse, sick children, mentally ill patients etc - comes from our desire to gain the love of a parent who rejected us.

I find it interesting that so many of the people who are breaking their backs to care for AD relatives were the least loved or unloved child. I too was the one who felt left out. My older sister was the star, the brilliant one, the best behaved, the much wanted first child. I was the second girl and was told in many ways - even in words - that I was supposed to be the son they wanted! Later the real son came and I was just the girl in between, not special in any way.

I otfen wondered how I came to be Mom's live in caregiver, leaving out outward circumstances. I was the least likely candidate, the older sister was Mom's absolute favorite, and the son was her pride and joy. I really think I was unconsciously trying to make her love me (more). That may be why I reacted with so much pain when I recently talked to her on the phone and she had completely forgotten the 5 years we lived together in Astoria. Wiped out of her memory. I thought, all that pain, worry, fear, and yucky work too ... just to make her finally love me as much as the others, - and now it is forgotten.

I am a grandmother myself, so it never ends .. you wish for the childhood you never had, and keep on trying to be loved - that is also probably the reason I stayed in a loveless and abusive marriage for 36 years before leaving .

Caregivers are obviously also survivors .. we did it, we got through it, and those of you still in the middle of it will get through it also. We can help each other, that's why we are here. And we can be loving so no one in our lives ever has to feel unloved.

Good night.

Martha

Well, you can add me to that list too. I've been a non-assertive, caregiver for all of my life. Anyone need me............I'm there!

And, nope, my mom did not care for me either. She didn't really favor either of my brothers. She told us often, she simply wished she hadn't had children and if she had it to do over, she wouldn't have children at all. And we felt it..........to our core.

We were always well-dressed and had plenty to eat, but there was never any love or affection at all. I'm 59 and don't remember my mom ever saying......."I love you," to any one of the three of us.

The sad part is, she's more loving now and tries to hug me. I'm embarassed to say that it really feels awkward and uncomfortable. I wish it didn't, but it does. Like Barb, I've accepted that what I yearned for all my life isn't going to happen, and now I'm even put-off by a hug from her. It's very difficult to accept affection from her when I know she'll call me a couple hours later, cursing and screaming. Any affection just doesn't feel genuine. Maybe just too late for that now. Really sad.........

As Martha said, though, I was a totally different Mom to my own children. We all have a loving bond that I never had as a child and I'm so grateful for that. My mom never knew what she missed!

Everyone take care........