I don't have the mental energy or clarity to do justice to the incredible amount of misery I am in/have been in since being diagnosed 4 years ago. (I'm now 21) I am currently on 6 mg of the new EMSAM patch, have been for over a month with ever-worsening symptoms...psychiatrist believes I may be manic-depressive. Also taking Ativan for anxiety, changed from Klonopin which was started in December. My fourth antidepressant. Was hospitalized partially as an outpatient last September for three months after my university therapist and home therapist insisted. (I withdrew from college one year ago today due to severe depression. I was on the verge of psychosis)

I just want to share what I came up with at 2:00 this morning after sitting in bed for two hours, unable to sleep. I thought it very profound and the closest I've ever come to describing how I feel, but maybe it will seem nonsensical or dramatic...anyway...

"I feel like life is something very far away, as if mine is existing somewhere very distant and remote like outer space. Meanwhile, I am here, on Earth, and all that connects my physical being, the state of being alive, in its most scientific and dictionary-defined sense to and all knowledge of a well-structured continuance is a very long, very thin, and very fragile string, that of which I can't quite grasp." ..."I am ebbing away. I feel like there is a complete blankness behind my eyes, a silence surrounding my being."

I have a full-time job in retail, and only my assistant manager knows of my struggle. There have been times, more often than not, where I will burst into tears, and become completely silent and withdrawn while at work. It's becoming harder to separate my personal life (which is not much different...I do not speak to my parents, I can't even look them in the eye, I ignore all of my friends, I spend most of the time crying, journaling, listening to music, sleeping, worrying, contemplating...) from work. It's at the point where I don't even see the point of making the effort to be productive. I am not a fully functioning human being.

I've had thoughts of suicide, but I would never go through with it. That is why I fear I will not be admitted.

Also, I find it very hard to explain myself/my situation/my feelings to another person, at least in words. I have journals full of my emotional spillings but would never show them to anyone. However, I feel it's the only way anyone could understand, as I lack the ability to communicate anymore. I want my psychiatrist to literally go with me to the hospital and tell them everything that's wrong with me. I don't have the objectivity to do it for myself.

I feel like I have no concept, no understanding of anything. Especially of my existence. I'm just floating through life, and it scares me.

I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. Please share thoughts and experiences of hospitalization, other options. Electroshock therapy? Surgery? I say this because I'm convinced I am treatment-resistant. Hopeless.

I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. Please share thoughts and experiences of hospitalization, other options. Electroshock therapy? Surgery? I say this because I'm convinced I am treatment-resistant. Hopeless.


Very sorry to hear about your situation.. but you have got to fight it no matter what. You mentioned you had a therapist, but its important that whoever you see...psychiatrist, therapist, psychologist, etc... they be someone you are comfortable with and someone you benefit from. They could have all the qualifications in the world, but if you dont benefit, its not worth it.

That being said ... about treatment... I wouldn't jump straight away to ECT... there is a new treatment out... I do research and am a student so i found out about all these studies the psychiatry centre is conducting via my uni... Since i have depression, I might be a participant in one.

Its called TMS - transcranial magnetic stimulation. It is the latest thing in non invasive depressive treatment and especially suitable for non-responsive people to traditional treatment... eg antidepressant or even if you have plateaud on a conventional treatment. You would be an ideal candidate going by what you described.

It has no known risks (unlike ECT) and no stigma like ECT. Its not considered a replacement even for ECT... a new protocol. You are fully awake, there is no pain. I can give you more info on it if you want, but for now i have to finish up a paper.

Good luck,
Mike

Thank you, Mike. I will have to research this new therapy and maybe mention it to my psychiatrist (but it's possible he has not heard of it, as I take it you are not from the states and this is still in the development stages?).

I woke up this morning wondering why I convinced myself that ECT would be suitable. I think it was a moment of desperation. (I'm picturing "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"...chills...I know it's not so harsh today, but still)

Thank you very much for your input and best of luck with your studies. I was a psychology major at the time I withdrew from my university. How do you manage to balance student life? And if I may ask, aren't you afraid of your depression hindering your professional abilities? That is, if you plan on becoming a psychologist, as I had...I'm cheering for you.

To everyone else---is hospitalization a good or bad decision? I've heard horror stories, for one. I also do not benefit from group therapy of any kind, and the thought of my flat iron being taken away is enough to make me change my mind! In all seriousness though, when you feel there is nowhere else to turn, is it a sensible choice or a last resort?

frozeninside, I was completely convinced that I was treatment resistant also, until I found effexor. I was in partial-hospitalization as well. That's what depression does - steals all hope and creates despair and misery. Tell yourself, over and over,that it's the disease talking, not reality. There are countless stories like mine to prove that. Let us know how you're doing!!!

I have been hospuitalized. !st of all electric shock therapy is usually only used for people who cant fuction with there memories. It wipes the past from your mind. Please don't go there unless your life was so full of abuse you cant fuction with those memories. A hospital isn't as bad as you might think. the one i was in had different floors for different level of problems. You wont be on a floor with phycotic killers for depression. They have therapy groups you go to you find out your not alone it can be helpful. They might find out you dont have just plain old depression and get you on meds that help and help make you feel better. I am depressed as well but out of the hospital and coping ok. Not saying that everyday is a bowl of cherries many days I spend crying alot but it is a day thing maybe at worst a week thing but I dont feel like the souless person everyday each time i know it will soon pass and it helps. I wish you the best in your decision. And wellness of mind in your future.

your sister of depression.

Thank you, Mike. I will have to research this new therapy and maybe mention it to my psychiatrist (but it's possible he has not heard of it, as I take it you are not from the states and this is still in the development stages?).

How do you manage to balance student life? And if I may ask, aren't you afraid of your depression hindering your professional abilities? That is, if you plan on becoming a psychologist, as I had...I'm cheering for you.



The TMS is pretty much being experimented with world wide at this stage, they might be doing one near you.. It is worth asking your psych about it. I dont know your loc, but I just checked the national registry for studies site and came up with some results...http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct/search?term=tms&submit=Search

To be honest, i try not to think if it will interfere or not with any future professions i might have... to think about that, would make me depressed... I just take one day at a time now.

-Mike

I want my psychiatrist to literally go with me to the hospital and tell them everything that's wrong with me. I don't have the objectivity to do it for myself.

I feel like I have no concept, no understanding of anything. Especially of my existence. I'm just floating through life, and it scares me.

I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. Please share thoughts and experiences of hospitalization, other options. Electroshock therapy? Surgery? I say this because I'm convinced I am treatment-resistant. Hopeless.

I'm sorry you're having such a time of it all. I can understand why you'd want your psychiatrist to go to the hospital with you. Maybe s/he would? Or at least s/he would refer you and with that all of the necessary info would go there too.

I went to the hospital for 2 weeks, but that was over a decade ago. I think nowadays a week is considered a long time. Anyway, while it wasn't my favorite place to be and not all the stuff there was suited to my situation, it was the best place for me at the time. I got on meds at a working level for me, stayed there long enough to feel like I could manage when I got home etc. I believe it was literally a life-saver, as were the meds.

Talk to your doctor about this (again if you have already). ECT isn't like it used to be. But also, being in a hospital environment they can tweak your meds much easier. It sounds like it's worth a chance. What do you think?

I'm back from the hospital (admittance on 8-28) and for the first time, I can say that I am HAPPY. It was absolutely, without a doubt, the GREATEST decision I have ever made in my entire life. I've been changed. It was simply a life-changing experience, aside from a new diagnosis (bipolar disorder) and some med-tweaking...the staff, the other patients...I learned SO MUCH about humanity, about life, about people, about mental illness, about myself. I made so many friends, I could not fight the tears when my social worker told me I was being discharged. I actually didn't want to leave! I'm forever grateful for the experience. I NEVER believed I could be free from depression. Never. And I'm not saying I'm all there yet, but I've made quite a turnaround from where I was a few weeks ago. Things don't look so hopeless anymore, and I see life from an entirely new perspective. I will have to elaborate more later...I just would like advice on how to avoid backsliding into depression...and I guess I should frequent the bipolar boards often...quite an overwhelming illness...anyway...thank you everyone...always remember, there is hope. You have to fight, every moment. Just live for the moment and never stop believing in yourself. (Sounds corny, I know) This whole experience has only reinforced my desire to work in the mental health field...I want to help...No one needs to feel like they're alone. You are not. We're all people. We're all struggling. Just keep pushing!!!