I was in Ohio State training when I received news that my step brother was killed in a car accident and my other brother was in the car with him. I wasnt to sure if the information was accurate so I did a search on google and found that my step brother did die. I got back home on Friday late night and was late going to his services on Satuday. I did go to his house and seen family and his mother which made me feel some what good. The problem I am having is I spent years of my life avoiding old friends and family so I did not have to hear about another death since the passing of my brother in 93 but I realize there is no escapeing it. I am not sure what to feel anymore and I am tired of taking medications to cope with life. I started to relaize be distancing myself from family I was finding out hrrible things they went through and I was not there to help. The purpose of avoiding everyone was so I dont hear about bad news.
I guess my question is if my family lives in a cycle where young die and kids repeating what there father/mother has done how does one coupe with it without running away because more damage is done running then facing the music..

What you are describing is your individual coping skill. Unfortunately, at the very best all it will do is delay the inevitable. It's pretty hard to completely escape tragedy.

One of the things I used to do when I had my first significant loss...was take the phone off the hook every single night. It seemed like bad news always came at night, so I thought I could avoid it taking place if I didn't get the "call". It doesn't work...same with avoiding people.

At least if you get the news the same time as everyone else, others will be in the same stage of grief. There just isn't any way to out run the ending of life.

I'm sorry for your loss...I hope you are able to get support from your family. I'm sure they were comforted that you made it to the services.

My best to you.

Hi,
I very sorry for the lose of your step brother, How tragic. I think what your doing is running away from your family and friends for fear of being hurt, the only down fall is your missing out on allot of good things, some day you will look back and feel you missed allot of family events and also sharing night's out with your friends. I close to some of my family but some of them I only talk to when there is family get together-that is enough for me. I know I'm not alone, they always say, you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family but you shouldn't run away from them either, don't you feel a little emptiness in you life? Don't you feel lonely on the holidays? I would think about what you want to have in you life, maybe you need them more than what you realize.
Karen

The only way to move beyond something is to embrace it for what it is, go through it, learn from it and find the light that hides in even the darkest moments.

We don't get to choose the tradgedies we face, we get to choose how we face them and you'll suffer it alone or with your family, the difference being that there will be someone there to catch you when you fall...and you WILL fall...and you can also be there to catch someone else. This is also a cycle that will repeat itself, if you let it.

You can learn the true beauty in life by surviving the grief. I have found that some of my most profound moments and brightest times come after going through the heartache that life so readily hands out.

Avoiding it sends the emotions into another part of the heart/mind/soul, what have you and it will still effect you but you will have put enough distance between you and the cause of the grief that you'll never be able to put things together and figure out where this pain comes from...been there done that.

There are many things in my life that I felt belonged on a shelf somewhere and honestly thought that it meant that I had dealt with them, then a horrid incident happened and not only did that tear me apart, it opened the door to where I had hidden all that other crap and it sunk me like a ton of bricks. I had to deal with it whether I wanted to or not and I no longer had a choice in how much of it I wanted to deal with at a time...it was all of the sudden there...full force...no more choices.

So, I guess what I am saying is that by trying to distance yourself from real heartache and possibilities of more heartache, the heartache you are creating is far worse and you don't get any of the joys that come with the family for fear of the tradgedy.

Bottom line is tradgedy befalls us all...but if you are fortunate enough to have willing and loving hearts around you, don't hide and leave them w/o your love as well...for fear of what might happen...fear of losing them, when in all reality, what you are doing is ensuring that you live without there love in the first place. It's not worth it.

Big hugs and prayers to you. Experience life for what it's worth...it's far too short, but the heart is not fragile and can find a way to deal with whatever may come our way. So, walk in the sun, live through the dark and find joy wherever you can.