where are you? I miss your input. things suck for me right now and I need you.

Hi distroyed
so sorry ive not been around- have been feeling quite ill on my meds the past few days so havent been on the board much.
sorry to hear things have been bad? whats the latest situation with your wife?
keep me updated
Angel x :angel:

There you are!
My wife was taken off a anti depressant that she had been taking for 2 months. for 3 days she seemed completly normal. she moved back in with me and was saying that she loved me and that she belonged with me and felt safe with me. She said a couple of time that she felt "normal". that lasted 2 days and then she fell into a deep depression. she moved out again but this time she left the kids. she said she cant handle them right now. she is very distand and cold. She doesn't seem to care about me or the kids. she never asks about my dad, like she doesnt remember or something. She is saying that she is confused about her feelings for me, and that it doesn't "feel right". she just started Lamictal last Wed. and I think it is causing anger in her, as she is nasty to me. I have done nothing but try to help and love her.
I just wonder when she was saying she felt normal, she wanted to be with me, it didn't last, but I wonder if that was the real her or just a passing mood in the swing of things
it's strange to talk to her, because she is aware that somwething is wrong, but at the same time cant help it. She has said things like " I wonder If the old me will ever come back" it's like there are two people in there and every once in a while the "real" her comes out, but only for a short time, usually when she is tired.
I have pretty much givin up on our relationship only because I can't keep opening my heart and then getting crushed. I do want her to get better for the kids sake. I know she does love them more than anything, there is just something blocking that right now.

wow distroyed cant believe i missed all that! sounds like you have been on a complete rollercoaster.
It sounds as though your wife is still very ill and is nowhere near finding the right combination of meds. i know you have been to hell and back in the past few months, but it can take so long to find a combination that is therapeutic as bipolar is so complex and affects everyone individually. my pdoc always says that it is a disorder that develops over a long amount of time, so it can take a long time to find a suitable treatment.
Im wondering if the anti depressant you said she came off was keeping her "high" and inducing the mania, so that when she came off it she dropped to a more stable level temporarily (when she moved back in with you and said she felt normal) and then she plunged into the depressed state- i have been through these exact motions before myself. Do you know what anti depressant it was- was it an ssri? These are notorious for inducing mania, even when taken with certain mood stabilisers they have still been known to induce manic symptoms. I cant take them full stop.
I feel from what you told me that the person who moved back in with you and told you all of those things was a glimpse of the real her, not something caused by a mood swing. Ive always felt her love for you has still been there and has just been masked and deeply destructed by this terrible illness, and i think you have always known this underneath even though at times it has been hard to believe. The fact she left the kids behind shows how ill she is and that her behaviour is not normal or personal to anyone, she just needs help. She loves her kids unconditionally but if she can walk from them then you can see how she can walk from you, it is the illness acting, not the real her.
Ive often spoken about how my illness affected my relationship, and it actually caused it to break down for 2 months. My boyfriend talked about how i was like two different people- one was warm and caring and the other one was cold hearted and calculating, as he put it.Im sure you can relate to how he felt! I got fed up with him and felt that he was boring and that i wanted to go off and do more exciting things. Now im stable, things are totally different. I genuinely love him and know that the relationship is right, i feel safe with him, like your wife told you. He has given me a lot of support, he goes with me to the hospital to get my lithium levels checked, and has done a lot of his own research on bipolar and found out that one of his biggest heroes, Kurt Cobain had it, hence the nirvana song "lithium". We had our ups and downs to begin with but as long as im open with him things are smooth between us.
I basically feel that, before my diagnosis and treatment, my eyes were blurred. But as soon as i became stable, it was like someone had given me glasses and i could see things for what they really are. Im sure your wife wil reach that stage, it just might take her longer as it sounds like her bipolar is quite severe and she has had a hard time with meds. Im bipolar II, which is the less severe form and was lucky in the fact that my first med, lithium, seems to have worked.But for most people, its not as smooth running.
Please dont give up yet. I totally agree that you need to think of yourself and not let yourself get stamped on, but in the future things could be very different, so hold onto that hope long term. The only person who can truly help your wife is herself, and it may be that she has to do that on her own while you move on, but later down the line, who knows? i feel the old her is still there somewhere waiting to come back.
Take care distroyed and let us know how things are,
Angel:angel:

Angel, thank you! you always give great prospective.
She has actually told me on a couple of times to move on. she said I shouldn't wait for her, and she doesn't want me to miss out on somthing that could be good for me. She stated that she has done so much damage and that she doesn't know what she is capable of, but doesn't want to hurt me anymore.
Question, when she stabalizes will she be able to see all I have done for her through this. I'm not being selfish, I am just wondering because I have asked her if she see's that i have been hanging in through everything trying to help her, and she says "I don't see it" her prospective is different. everyone else I know including her own family think I have already gone above and beyond for her and all of them say they would have walked away by now.
but will she ever see my compassion and will she ever see what i've gone through for her, and my family.
I feel I need someone my Dad is in his final days and she doesn't even ask about him. She said yesterday that she would be there for me when he goes, but it was like it was going to be a chore for her. like she is heartless. She hasn't been able to be here for me while Dad has been sick and she is not here for me now, so it's kind of strange that she would say that. at this point what could she do for me when he does go. She is in selfish mode.
How hard is this going to hit her when she stabelizes. She has one heck of a mess to clean up. I'm not trying to be mean, but knowing how she was verry caring ond giving of others, how will she deal with the damage she has brough on to herself and the family. I'm afraid she will just run and not face it
I am trying soooo hard to fight back anger.

Hey distroyed,
Its hard to say what your wife will recall when shes stabilised,because everyone is different. ive personally remembered most of my behaviour when ive been manic, although not always remembered exactly what prompted me to do it at the time. i know how much pain i caused a lot of my family and friends and will feel terrible about that for the rest of my life, i know its taking them a long time to trust me again too and i cant blame them for that. i dont think anything i can ever say or do will make up for what ive put them through, but i know they are just glad to see me stable and im sure you will feel the same about your wife when the time comes.
i do find it quite hard to talk about or be reminded of what i did, probably because of guilt, so it may be that your wife doesnt want to discuss a lot of whats happened or her behaviour, but that doesnt necessarily mean she doesnt realise what shes done or care. But it is hard to say how it will be for her.
I can understand your anger and i think the way you have held it together so far has been amazing. But for now i would concentrate on yourself and the kids and deal with everything else when the time comes. I know how unpredictable bipolar can make you, so i wouldnt rely on your wife for support right now. I know what you are going through with your dad and i really feel for you, but i would take the love and support you need through this difficult from another relative or friend who can be strong for you, as you dont need anymore upset at this already painful time
thinking of you distroyed:angel:

Thank you again Angel I'm glad to see you back. hope I am not bothering you with all my problems.
you have alot of wisdom for someone so young

of course you are not bothering me, im always happy to help if i can or just be here if you need to vent.
i guess ive gained most of the knowledge i have the hard way but sometimes that is the best way.
Be strong distroyed, you know where i am:angel:

Angel, I am trying to understand what it is like when my wife is not right
is there any way to explain what its like for her based on you experience with your relationships? When she is cold toward me, in her mind am I like a stranger to her? Do her feelings for me just stop? she seems to not care about anyone but herself, but at the same time it also seems that she doesn't want me to go to far away. she can go the whole day with out talking to me or the kids, but at night when she is tired she seems beaten. she calls to talk to the kids and then asks them to put me on the phone, I just say hi, but it alway seems like she has something to say, or wants me to say more. I ask her if she wants anything and she say's "I guess not" but in a humbled voice. it's a far cry from the day befor when she is raged against me and want's a divorce. Do BP's stabalize a little when they are tired?
is it like there are two people in her head one want's me the other doesnt?
I wonder which one will win

Hey distroyed,
In my experience, i had strong feelings to want to be by myself, if my boyfriend was too close to me id feel trapped and panicky, sometimes i felt like i hated him for no reason. Id feel quite aggravated when i heard from him and annoyed that he expected things from me. I also felt that he was sticking his nose into my business a lot. A certain degree of irrationality and paranoia is common with bipolar and id also sometimes feel suspicious of him and his motives, like i couldnt trust him. I wouldnt say he became a stranger, it was probably me that did that. I just had a lot of anger towards him which came from nowhere. I didnt feel like id lost my feelings for him, they just became masked by something completely different that took over. I hope that makes sense? its the only way i can describe it. The main thing i felt was that he was getting in my way. I guess thats due to the selfishness that bipolar can bring. Everyone is different so its hard to say how your wife has been feeling, but she seems to have been quite "driven" the way i was, so she may have experienced similar thoughts and feelings. They seem to come out of nowhere and all i can say is they are not real. Sometimes i cringe remembering how horrible i was to my boyfriend who i now love and respect a great deal.
When you ask about BP's stabilising when tired, i certainly think its possible to reach a much calmer stage. When i was manic i didnt tend to get tired, so this could be a good sign that she is getting better. Are her meds making her tired? A lot of BP meds knock you out a bit to begin with. It sounds like the real her is starting to come out again which is good. And its the truth that will always win:angel:

Angel, the thoughts you described in the first few sentances is dead on for her. It's seems identical to what you have written. But she still isn't back yet. sometime I feel like she wants it over, but wants me to be the bad guy. I was short with her last night and this morning on the phone and she reponded "what your not talking to me now" and there was agravation in her voice. she is very selfish right now. she is and has been leaning on me for support, which I always give, but she is giving me nothing. she will call me when she is upset or mad and tell me what happened. I have a sympathetic ear and then she goes away again. like she just drains me to make herself feel better and goes till she needs support again. Is that weird? maybe I should stop with the support I need so much myself right now and she cant help me she just takes emotion she does not give, well at least to me.

Distroyed, are you getting any support from somewhere else? You are also taking care of the kids, right?

About feeling anger towards their partners. Is it common that bipolars feel resentful towards their partner for not being perfect of not living up to an ideal they have in their heads? My bf described this to me and said there were moments when he felt like that towards me. I was just wondering because resenting the partner came up in this thread.

yes, I go see a therepist, it helps a little. Yes the kids are with me now. My wife cant handle them she says all she does is yell at them.
I have seen the resentment, for the past 10 months my wife has been tearing me down, She has split me into two people and only see's the flaws (which their aren't any:D ) when she is "normal" she back peddles on everything. At the last couples session she tore me apart. I have been changing everything about my self to correct the things she would state as a problem, but everytime I would fix something about my self she would come up with something else. like you said serching for the perfect person.
I think in her mind and in your bf mind they are serching for this but want to hang on to us incase they don't find it. I think their expectations are unrealistic, and she will agree when she is "normal"

Hi guys..Distroyed-I hate to sound like a broken record but are we married to the same person? We are in exactly the same situation. My wife's on Lamictal but I think she's only taking 50mg. She is also on Lexapro and maby wellbutrin. Angel-you said ssri's can mess things up and keep you in an extended manic state. That's basically where my wife is. She breifly came out of it last week. She was really nice, she even made dinner for me. She wanted me around all the time even if it wasn't my time to be in the house with the kids. Damn rollercoaster..Neleah-sounds like you are on the rollercoaster to. I'm sorry, this thing totally sucks. God Bless...Oz :)

Oz, how's it going my friend? looks like you got another ticket to the ride
make sure your belt is fastened tight

Hey buddy, Well I think I'm going to pass on this ride. For my kids sake and my own sanity I'm going to get the damn divorce done. I'll never say never but....Hell, I'll be posting about the same damn rollercoaster in a couple days. Who am I kidding. Good luck to all. Oz :)

I hear ya! you are like me your hearts to big.
here's a good one: My wife was at her Dr's last Wed. while there she stated that she has hit rock bottom. The Dr. said that she my not quite be at rock bottom yet. There's some incouragement.

Oz, I now It's a bitter subject, but are you able to forgive for the cheating? I seems like we are because were still in this, but doesn't it bother the hell out of you. I realize that most of my problem is insecurities.
I posted befor that I recently removed the "no vancancy" sign from my forhead. since then things are the way they were when I was in my early 20's I have never had any problems finding girls. Even right now there are a few younger (maybe to young, over 20 but under 25) chasing me and calling me. I could live like a rock star again, but what the heck is stopping me

Distroyed, We both know what is stopping you it's the same thing that's stopping me....We still love them. It sucks but that's it. I have a couple women chasing me and I have very little interest in them. They are wonderful and very loving but I'm just not ready. What gives?? I just don't get it. Good luck buddy...Oz :)

Distroyed, BTW I am having a very difficult time with the infidelity. I take that one very seriously and it hurts. Bad....I know in my head that I will have to forgive her, but not forget, otherwise the anger will poison my soul. I don't want to go through life some bitter ex. That's just not me....Oz :)

yes, I go see a therepist, it helps a little. Yes the kids are with me now. My wife cant handle them she says all she does is yell at them.
I have seen the resentment, for the past 10 months my wife has been tearing me down, She has split me into two people and only see's the flaws (which their aren't any:D ) when she is "normal" she back peddles on everything. At the last couples session she tore me apart. I have been changing everything about my self to correct the things she would state as a problem, but everytime I would fix something about my self she would come up with something else. like you said serching for the perfect person.
I think in her mind and in your bf mind they are serching for this but want to hang on to us incase they don't find it. I think their expectations are unrealistic, and she will agree when she is "normal"

Do you guys know that underneath the mania, they still love you? Does it break throught sometimes?