Hello everyone...I'm new to this. I'm a college student and have been diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar, Social Anxiety, and OCD. It's real tough to figure things out sometimes. I have so many problems, I don't know where to start, but I joined this group mainly to get support because I feel like most people don't understand me. My last doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and since everyone thinks I'm so manipulative and "gamey" I have been told that I have BPD since I was 15 (even though it's hard to diagnose it then, I know). I come from an abusive family background. My father abandoned my family when I was 13. Since then, I have been an extreme over-achiever to win his love. Relationships are extremely difficult for me. I can't get close to people, yet I want them to love me all the time, unconditionally (unless I'm irritable or are mad at them). I have intense mood swings that range from irritability to having tons of energy and racing thoughts to debilitating despair. I'm sick of taking medicine although I know I need it. I frustrate every one who is close to me, which is why I feel that nobody understands me. I feel all alone in the world sometimes, which is very hard. I take rejection very harshly, and if I'm not perfect, well I can't tolerate that. I don't know why I simply can't be happy. Everything seems to require more effort for me than for anyone else. I tell everyone that I don't think it's fair and that people are mean to me. Well, one of my friends said that I am manipulative and that I need to stop telling people that they are mean because it makes me look immature. I've had four hospitalizations in the past year, which has really sucked. Sometimes, I just don't feel like I'll ever get my life back together. Do any of you guys ever feel like this? I just want to be happy but in my experience I have found that happiness is most elusive. At least for me anyways. I take Abilify and Depakote which seem to be helpful when I actually take them. Let's see..what else should you know about me? I am just an intensely hypersensitive person and everything in the world seems to set me off. Well, I look forward to getting to know all of you. I hope that we can support each other.

Lizzie

Hi Lizzy
I can see myself in your letter, picking through the bones of it the thing that struck me most was your description of your medication, "when you can be bothered to take them" Like many of us here you are ill, if you had cancer would you take the med's?

I have been through much of the same and I used to think taking Meds as a bit of a failer, Why must I take them etc, the truth is there is no shame in getting yourself well enough to lead a happy and full life, the meds help me to correct chemical imbalances, Its not my fault its not your fault, some people are born with defects you can see some are like us are, fortunatly with the right approch to your medication the full effects of a bipolar disorder can be significantly controlled.

I wish you well, Regards REDFLAME

Welcome, you definitely fit right in here!
I lost my freshman year, my senior year, any chance of a college life, & any chance of a healthy relationship until I was finally stabilized - at age 30.
Until they put me on lithium I was prescribed every known psychotropic drug known to man and had every possible side effect from them.

But Lithium worked really well for me although the years of my life before that are never far away. It's probably why I can read your message and relate to it no matter how many years go by. Have we got parts of our lives that no one else would understand or what?

I'm totally sick of meds. Meds since I was 13. RedFlame had a good example about cancer patients, I also try to remember kids who are diabetic and have to take meds everyday too. An imbalance in insulin, an imbalance in chemicals, still adds up to meds..

Ok, we STILL hate taking them, but personally I don't like feeling so of control of my own life and that keeps me chugging those pills down..

It would be great if there was ONE drug that worked for absolutely every one of us with Bipolar Disorder but so far it seems to take an excrutiatingly long time to find the right individual mix.

Is there ONE part of your life that you are really proud of through all your hard times and diagnosis'?
Obviously you've won the Surviving Anything prize, but is there something else? A relationship? Something in school? Someone you've helped?

I do hope you keep coming, you may find that you can help someone here - and that feels pretty good..
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif