I guess I was at the wrong place at the wrong time but I bit it. Over the last month I bet Ive gone through 250 10/325. Im throwing in the towel again and because this is the place that saved me last time this is where I came. Im sorry to everyone who helped me last time, I owe you a good bit of my sober time. Now, I took my last dose at 8:30, so Im not feeling to bad yet, but i figure the amount im used to I will know very soon, just how bad it was without. Depression is setting in and tears are building as I type. I want to get into an N/A program after the initial withdrawals are over and Im not afraid to leave the house. If anyone knows how Id go about finding one in my area Id appreciate the help. Much love to all, and Ill be anxiously awaiting your responses. Thanks ahead of time.......................MULE
Edit: I must mention that I was hospitalized for apap overdose 2 weeks ago. My liver ended up checking out ok after going to my PCP and getting function test. This is when my fiance realized for the first time that I was living a lie. I had rec'd 40 percocet 5/500 in the AM and by the time I woke up in the ER I opened my eyes to the DR holding the bottle in front of me and it had 2 left. After downing a bunch of charcoal juice he actually sent me home with a script for Oxycodone 5's 25 ct. He gave them to my fiance to administer them to me. But, my whole family had gotten there by this time and there was no lie I could conjure up to escape this situation. I took 2 weeks off from work and it didnt do a darn bit of good. Back pain is severe, but my drug abuse is more so. Im going to end up dead if I dont stop, Ii know it. Sorry to ramble but just writing it makes me realize it even more. Here goes nothin..........................MULE

Hi Mule,

I just posted a long reply to you and it was lost in internet space! You know how to do this..make it your last and best attempt, and a success story. You know the w/d's are coming, but you will get through it! They will not last forever, we all know that. The w/d's are the sign that this has to stop. Your body is telling you so, and it is really unhealthy to continue the pills and unhealthy to go through w/d's. Thank god many of us got through them and succeeded without complications. Drink your liquids, eat, take your vitamins, work out or at least walk, eat, and keep reading, posting, and find the support you need to not do this to yourself again. The walking will help you! You will get through this. You will Mule. I pray every night for everyone here to sleep well, and wake up to a beautiful, sober, healthy day. It is out there, don't ever think that is lost. Cry all you want; I did and thought of the toxins leaving my body through the tears. If you are really down, think of any of us being with you, we are, and giving you the comfort and support you need to calm down. Please find support esp. if you are prone to relapse. You can't do this anymore, and need to find out how to stop it. Please keep us posted. Stay strong and stay the course. There are many here who have come out OK, and some even better for it all.

Lisa

You have no idea how good that mad me feel. Im in tears but happy tears. I just cant understand how I got like this. Looking back, my whole life has been an addiction. LSD, X, HEROIN, I mean it never ends. There was about a year of my life that I was sober like truely sober. That was the time my wife was pregnant with my son. She left when he was 3 mos and I collapsed again. I think I have put myself in this position again, a depressing environment. Do you ever feel like just saying screw everyting and just leaving. packing up and disappearing? I really want to do this but I dont know if this is just like a flilght reflex. My family, in my mind is ruining me. I asked my fiance to marry me when I was high as all get out. Now, planning a wedding Im not sure I even know I want. I just want to vanish. With all of those thoughts going through my head, and with w/d's on the way I am scared I might do it. Even after the hospital visit, Ive been able to convince her that its normal to have 6-7 empty bottles of norco on the fridge. I wanna save her the time of getting mied up with me. Not to sound so selfish but I just wanna be alone. I want everyone to just back off! :You guys here are the only group that understands what I feel, and that I can tell what I feel. aghhhhhhhhhhh. This sux............................MULE

I totally understand what you are going through. The desire to be left alone just to deal with yourself and not have to answer to anyone. The reality of it is that you need your family now more than ever. It is a hard thing to come to terms with but it is the drug not your loved ones that you are fighting with. You can do this. The w/d's are going to suck, they always do, but when you are in that stage remember that feeling. That is what I did on friday when I went through mine. They were so terrible that I had to take a vicodin to make myself come down, I threw up all day and the rest of my weekend was screwed. For a few hours of fun, I messed up work, school, and my friend's birthday. You can do this, it is so hard but all of us are here for you. Just keep writing and let it all out. Holding any of those emotions in is one of the worst things you can do. I wish that I found this place when I was hardcore into my addiction but realize now that you have a group of people that understand you. Stay strong and positive. You will pull through...:wave:

Its the goosebumps. AHHH I hate that. Ive decided to stay up as long as I can. Last time it was like 3 days but being tired is helpful to me. My mind can let me blame my physical agony on fatigue. I know this probably isnt a good Idea but whatever works. I really wish I had thought about and remembered how awful it is. I wish I had a button that would shock me when I thought of hydro. Im now starting to think about Heroin, because its so easily available. I cant risk overdosing though.. I was always bad at that. Gnarles Barkley is humming to me now, "Does that make me Crazy...." "Come on now who do you think you are, do you really think youre in control..? So true. Ive no control at the moment. Thanks for being up so late..........MULE

Dig down and find the stregnth and control right now its mind over matter. Fight they cravings you will be just fine not comfortable for a few days but better than being strung out on h. Now toughen up you have done this before you can do it again and it sucks everytime. There is no easy way. Get some immodium and get ready this will pass with time. I wish you luck. Kim

Thanks Kim. Thats about all I can do is let it suck. There is something to be said for knowing someone is out there listening to my dribble. I was once quite the star here. I dunno man, Ill keep on going. What you said about the family thing, I sometimes think my family is the root of all this. Ive thought that since I can remember. The battle is to show them who I am when Im not high. Other than that, I dont care. I want it for my son more than anything. He is getting old enough to notice. thanks for listening....MULE

Hi Mule,

I can relate to how your are feeling and it is going to be a battle. I hope you are up for it!! Sadly, you hit it on the nose. If you don't stop, you will prob kill yourself. I hope you make the choice to live life w/o the pills. Also, I went through a time when I blamed doctors, wife, job, etc., for my issue with the pills. The only person that I could blame was myself. I chose to abuse the drugs to escape things. At first, those little white pills seem like your best friend and make you feel soooo goooooood. After a while, they do the total opposite. Its amazing the amount I had to take just to maintain.

Muler,

I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. Don't beat yourself up. You are only human. You know you've made mistakes, but don't isolate yourself and punish yourself more. YOu can go to na.com or na.org I think and find meetings. just search for NA. Withdrawals are just going to be bad for a few days, and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've all slipped before we made it stick. I quit for a few weeks in Feb. and went on a 6 month binge until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe this is just your rock bottom. You're going to make it Mule. Be your own best friend though, not your own worst enemy. We're here for you man. It will get better!

Debbie

Mule,

My name is Paul, and this is the first time we've chatted. I feel for you, bro - I understand what your feeling. I'm 42 days clean from 18 months of percocet hell! I also got engaged when I was using, and after I got clean, once the initial euphoria wore off, I found myself just wanting to be alone, and not sure if I made ther right choice in proposing to my girlfriend. Please understand this, quitting, going through w/d's, relapsing - all these things mess with your head. You are in no condition to make choices that will greatly impact the rest of your life. Find the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place. Now that she, and the rest of your family know the truth, don't push them away - let them help you. I'm sure that with every day that you stay clean, they will be more and more proud of you. In a way, consider it a blessing. My fiancée, and my family have no clue that I've ever taken a pain pill. In some ways, this had made my life easier (primarily because I am clean now), but in other ways, it has made my road harder, because I travelled it alone. I'm sure that experience is one of the reasons why I like to be alone.
The first thing you need to do is get your head straight - if you allow yourself to, you will think about the pills, about heroin. My Uncle died at 43 years old due to heroin, he left behind 4 children (the youngest was 3 years old). Don't leave your child without a father. My dad died when I was 12, trust me, growing up without your father sucks! You can do this, mule - I know you can!!

First step, bro - is forgiving yourself. You are human, you suffer pain, you make mistakes. Just try to learn from them. Please do not, I repeat DO NOT turn to heroin, you will have taken 100 steps back if you do. Be strong, accept the help that everyone in your life would like to give you (including us here), and move forward. Be an example to your son. Think about his future and the examples you set for him.

Don't give up, you CAN get through this!

Peace,
Paul

Hi Mule

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such difficult times and I'm glad for you that you are going to go to NA in the near future. It's easy to find a meeting, just look in the phone book, there's loads of them everywhere in every town. It's a great movement to help people who wish to live a life without using. They have a simple method to do so although it’s not easy, it really is simple and you can live a happy life in sobriety with the help of the wonderful people in NA/AA :-)

I understand that your back pain has also been a precursor to you using, but I'm sure you could find none narcotic methods if you really had to; there's so many of them out there. Go to the Pain board and explain your situation, I'm sure you will be bombarded with options.

I wish you the best with all this and I think you shouldn't worry about what other's might think; it's really brave and admirable that you have come back to these board to search for help and make a start on recovery again. You will find it if you want it enough and it seems to me that you do.....