HI Everyone! My mother in law (MIL) is 75 and over the last two years she has visited us about every 6 months. EAch time she seems to be significantly reduced in her cognitive abilities. My husband tried to talk to her the last time he was here but it didn't go well. My husband and brother in law want me to try and talk to her. Any one dealt with the following
symptoms:

1. Hard of hearing - refuses to spend the money to get hearing aids. Claims the world doesn't pronunciate well and its our (the worlds) problem not hers. She gets really close to you becuase she said she is learning to read lips. She however can understand me fine - I grew up with a very hard of hearing grandfather. I talk loud.
2. I believe she has stopped reading books.
3. She has no clue how she impacts other people - she comes across rude, self centered and occassionally thoughtless.
4. She has a hard time comprehending you if you aren't telling her what she thinks she wants to hear (does that make sense?) :)
5. She is visiting us right now even though we asked her not to - we are in huge transition - moving, new jobs, new schools etc. She came anyway - she thought it would be fine if I slept in a tent outside (I live in Maine) for the 12 days she is here. She wasn't like that before she would have offered to stay in a motel or something.
6. She uses the same glass for several days in a row and gets visiably and verbally upset if you take the glass to wash it.
7. She must have at least one 1/2 gallon of icecream unopened in the refrigerator at all times.
8. She is socially extremely needed.
9. She can't remember names of things like the type of stone in her favorite ring - its an opel.
10. She butts into conversations, is confused by them and then mumbles stuff that doesn't make any sense.
11. She is easily confused by the normal activities of a family but craves to be part of them.
12. She is addicted to Spider Solitaire on the computer and gets anxious and testy if she can't play when she wants to for how long she wants to. She actually laughs if she wins - like a little girl - kind of a squeal.

Do those of you who have been dealing with for a while think this is just age or does she have a problem? She is on a statin drug which made my mother completely ignorant when she took it (1+1 did not =2 nor was it math). She is also on some sort of hormone therapy for something. Other than that physcially fit. She is lonely I do not that but she has aliented most of her friends.

Best part she thinks she is fine. Is it okay do you think for me to get her doctors name of her pill bottles and contact her? My husband has POA along with his brother.

Naturally noone here can say for certain what is going on with your your MIL, but I think it very insightful of you to have the concerns you do.

A lot of what you have described are the kind of things we noticed with my SIL about 7/8 years ago. In particular I remember one family gathering which was to farewell a young family member who was travelling overseas to a new job. I remember thinking how jaw-droppingly rude SIL was being - she could not for one moment concentrate/participate in the conversation about someone else, how they were feeling, what the future opportunities for them were. She continually brought the conversation back to herself - ME and I statements were all she came out with.

It wasn't until I unsuccessfully tried (like, 10 times) to steer her back into the wider conversation that I began to understand that she was not capable of empathy with anyone else, no matter what the circumstances. Her world revolved around her. It was only a few months after that we got a dementia diagnosis.

I'm not sure how much use talking to your MIL would be at this stage. We talked to SIL's doctor and got a referral to a specialist who diagnosed her. We just told her it was time for a checkup and, although she heard the diagnosis herself, she immmediately denied/forgot that it had been made. Now she is fine talking about it but she certainly wasn't then.

best wishes,
Georgie

Dear Shirley,

It sounds very much like the early stages of dementia. Or has she always been a rude selfish type of person? Imagine expecting YOU to sleep in a tent?? In Maine or even in the Caribbean, it is the height of selfishness and rudeness to think her hostess is going to move outside the house to make room for her! Good grief!

No it is not old age. Until my Mom got Dementia in her 90s, she was a sweetheart. Never made any trouble, always adjusted to our family routines when visitng us, (early to bed and early to rise) and the exact opposite when visitng my sister (stay up late, sleep away half the morning!) ..Unselfish , did some of my housework while visiting etc. A pleasure to have.

No, I fear it is the beginning or middle stage of one of the dementias. If so - it is not possible to reason with her. This is the hardest thing about Dementia. You try to 'change' it - you make and receive promises. If you will just 'behave' this evening while we're having the pastor for a visit, etc.. of course she chooses that evening to go bananas, and act like a 2 year old, make false accusations against you, etc ...

There is no sense in blaming, correcting, exacting promises or offering rewards. The AD patient is outside all the normal limits of rational behavior. My brother's MIl tried to throw him out of his own house yelling "get out of my home!"

The worst time is when people are just beginning to suspect that she is a bit strange.

Now to practical matters:

-Has she bought a plane /train/ bus ticket to visit you in Maine or is it still in the talking stages? if the latter, get your husband, her son, to tell her in NO uncertain terms that this is a bad time for a visit and he will let her know when she can come.

-If the visit is hard and fast and not changable, book her a room in a nearby hotel, bed and breakfast or whatever SHE can afford. She decided to come, she pays her hotel bill.

-Invite her to the house for dinner and maybe go out for an occasional lunch, but don't revolve your life around her. Be firmly pleasant, and non combative, but say sweeetly, sorry, we have school that day, we are going to XXX today, and tomorrow the movers are coming ...

- IF she has enough mental acuity to figure out what's going on , she will have to accept that .. otherwise, if she rants and raves and causes a scene, you may have to check her into the local hospital for some tests... and find out if it IS dementia..

- Or, change her reservations and put her on an earlier flight home.

HOME - who is there to look after her there? or is she entirely on her own? Time for anything from assisted living to a nursing home....

Good luck .. be glad she doesn't live with you and NEVER NEVER invite her to do so .. people's lives and the lives of their children on this Board have been thrown into a frazzle by having an AD patient live with them .. no thankfulness is ever expressed, but they wind up hating the caregiver (it is NORMAL for this disease ...)

Love and prayers,

Martha

Dear Shirley,
When my dad suggested to me that Mom needed to get her hearing tested, I told him, that she can hear, just can't comprehend. (He was not ready to admit possibly AD). So Dad told Mom.... "We're getting of the age that we should have a hearing test!" She was always compliable and agreed to the appointment.

When they returned my dad announced that his hearing was worse than hers!;) Altho, there had been other signs of AD, this made it hit home for my dad.

Martha and Georgie are right, There is no talking to the person with the beginning of whatever kind of mental problem it is. You've listed more than enough reasons to show there is some kind of problem. I am not much for labels, a problem is a problem.... does it really matter what you call it?

The tent thing really was over the top!

So I suggest you talk to your husband and his brother. Maybe have the 7 stages printed off for a back up. But sorry, my friend, this is just the beginning of something not pretty. Have your list ready too as there are just too many things that aren't status quo for your MIL. The suggestions from Martha & Georgie are really good and will give you a place to start.

God Bless and you're in my prayers,
Choquis

She sounds so much like my FIL - you could be talking about him! He has dementia caused from mini strokes. Good Luck! C

My turn !! (Oh, welcome btw LOL)

First and foremost, I would ring her doctor and voice your concerns there. Secondly, is there any way you can get her to see a doctor while she's visiting with you? Perhaps they could perform a Mini Mental Exam (if you search older posts, you will find the MMSE test) but basically, you toss a few questions at her like:


What year is it?
What month is it?
What Country are you in?
What State are you in?
What town are you in?

Can you spell WORLD backwards?

Count backwards from 100 by 7's (that's tricky for me let alone anybody else)

Umm .. what else .. oh intersecting 5 sided shapes (hectagons?) .. can they copy them?

Can they write a sentence ..


Anyway .. it goes along those lines but more detailed of course.

If she's bluffing, you'll get answers like:

Oh who cares what year it is, don't you know?
or
Go and check the calendar yourself ...
or
a wrong answer ! LOL ..

And a big part of their problem is exactly what you stated ..:rolleyes:

:dizzy: THEY think they're perfectly fine, it's the rest of the world that's gone insane :dizzy:

And of course when you suggest a hearing aid, your telling her in no uncertain terms there is something wrong with her .. !! And actually, being a little money obsessesive (excessive spending or excessive not spending) seems to be a common thread too. ;)

You do need to learn QUICKLY that you CANNOT make her see reason .. she is, as far as she's concerned, being VERY reasonable, so why should she listen to you? :dizzy:

Frustrating huh?

Give our suggestions a go, but do come back and feel free to vent, jump up and down or just share ... we're here :)