Firstly, I'd like to say hello to everybody who posts on this particular board. I've read through a lot of the threads and you all come across as being very supportive and informative, and with a virus like HIV, those traits are incredibly important.

I think that I may have been exposed to HIV nearly two years ago, though I can't say for sure. I've never had any symptoms and I feel perfectly fine (though obviously that doesn't count for much with this particular illness)

The person that I think may have exposed me to it was my boyfriend at the time, we'd been dating for a month or so, and things seemed to be going well. Unfortunately, as with most things in life, a condom isn't 100% secure and it broke. He assured me that he was clean, and although I was concerned, I trusted him and I found it hard to believe that anybody could just flat out lie about something like that, so I accepted what he'd said - and that was that.

Shortly after this incident, I found out that he'd cheated on me. Fortunately we hadn't slept together since he'd slept with this other woman, so I'm not too worried about that.Anyway, only after this happened, did I find out from one of his friends that he had quite a reputation for cheating and basically just treating women like rubbish. He was a liar of the highest degree.

I went to my GP and got tested for STIs, which all came back clear. The problem is that the doctor didn't bother to tell me that it only checked for a few things, not everything. I later found out that I would have to go to the hospital to get tested for HIV, I went through a stage of denial, and I kept talking myself out of getting tested... Anyway, I've eventually made an appointment to finally put my mind at rest. I'm going tomorrow and I should hopefully get my results pretty quickly.

I have to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm not ready to die or be ill, there are so many things that I want to do with my life and I'm scared that I'll never get the chance. I'll have to carry around this horrible secret with me because I'm afraid that people will judge me if they know about it. They'll think that I'm a ****, or dirty or something. Yet at the same time, this isn't something that should be hidden, the main reason for it being the global issue that it is, is that people are afraid to talk about it. Education is the best weapon against HIV. Maybe when I've come to terms with it, I'll be able to speak out.

I hope that I'm strong enough to do that.

I've decided that if it is positive, I don't want my family to know. I don't want them to know that their little girl is ill, my mother is stressed enough as it is with other matters and I just can't add to that.

Since the incident, I've met somebody else and we've been living together for a while. It's a serious relationship and we have plans of getting married. I've finally fallen in love - and it's going to be destroyed.

If I do have the virus, he probably will too. Before we slept together I went for the test at the doctors, got my results which were fine and we thought it tested for everything so we decided to take things further.
I don't know if I could live with myself knowing that I've hurt him. How can I even look him in the eyes again? What do I say? How do I break the news? How do we even begin to take back some kind of normality in our lives?

He really is all that I have and although we've been very open with talking about it, and he's being very supportive and coping well, I know that if the news is bad, it's obviously going to hit him hard and all I want is for him to be okay.

Regardless of the result, I think that something good will come of this. I've decided that I want to donate to charities and campaign for awareness of HIV/AIDS. I don't believe that we have enough education in schools. Young people are making the choice to have sex without knowing all the facts, and you can't possibly make the right decision if you aren't fully informed.

Anyway, I've been ranting on for a while now, I'll go all day if you let me!

Thankyou for taking the time to read what I had to say, it feels good to be open and talk about it to people in a similar situation.

Take care.

Dear Bubba: Wow! That's a lotta' stuff. Certainly, getting tested is the very best thing you can do for yourself and your boyfriend. But, will he get tested along with you? Because it seems pretty lame that you should be tested alone. I mean you can you really move ahead in this relationship without you both starting at ground zero.

AS for "donating" (I presume you mean "time") I think that's admirable. In some ways, the schools are seriously limited in discussing HIV prevention because they will only want you discuss (in most cases) abstinence. And you can't address HIV prevention, unless you also address condoms, protected sex, etc. or without addressing oral, vaginal, and anal sexual practises.

Now, here's what concerns me: you made two references to this disease in terms in which you define it as 'dirty'. You stated that your former boyfriend "assured me that he was clean" and then, referencing your family's reaction that they would think you were a "**** or dirty or something". PLease understand that I know what people think, but for those of us who are HIV+, it bothers us alot when we are defined as "dirty" or "unclean". I mean you slept with the guy. Does that mean that you're clean for sleeping with him and not contracting HIV, but if you slept with him and did contract HIV, you'd be dirty? chris

Hey Chris,

I wanted to get tested instead of my fiancé, because I'm the only sexual partner he's had, so if I test HIV- he will be too. I suppose I really just felt that it was my mess and that I ought to be the one to sort it out, I wouldn't want him to have to go through the stress of getting tested if he doesn't have to. Ofcourse, if I test HIV+, he'll have to get a test done anyway, but I'm hoping that things will be okay and that he can avoid that.

Regarding the education issue, over here all the focus was put on not getting pregnant, I don't recall ever actually being told anything about HIV, I think the term 'STD' was probably used once. It's silly really, when a baby is probably the nicest thing you could end up with after having unsafe sex...

Now, please allow me to explain myself with the 'dirty' comment. When I used the word 'clean', there was no implication or hidden meaning to it, it's just a term that I've always used for any kind of test for any illness. I meant nothing by it. When I said that people would think I was 'dirty', it's exactly that. I think that people WILL think that, and unfortunately some probably will, but I didn't say that I personally thought people with HIV were that. It's just an illness like any other, the chances are that the people who judge have probably made the same mistakes, but been lucky enough to not caught out by it.

I'm truly sorry if I upset or offended you in some way, I really meant nothing by it.

Well, the tough part is done. I've had the blood test, now I just have to wait a couple of weeks for the result. I feel so much better already after having just had it taken.

Much happier.

:)

Dear Bubba: I'm gald you were tested and I will thinking and praying you through your results.

Let me just pursue the discussion about the concept of "clean" and "dirty". I do understand what you mean and that your intentions were horrible and without any intention to hurt or demean anyone. BUt the point is that, somewhere, you have decided (by your own admission) that people who test positive for any disease are "dirty" and those who test negative are "clean." SO, when a person tests positive for breast cancer are they "dirty"? Is Michael Fox "dirty" because he has Parkinson's?

Do you see where this can lead? Is you get a chance, please read Susan Sontag's ILLNESS AS METAPHOR and AIDS AS METAPHOR. This is a signficantly important study about just this issue.

Again, I know you meant no harm but it is an unconscious reaction and, if you plan on educating people, then this is just the place to start. Innuendoes, minconceptions, and unconscious stereotyping is where racism, sexism, etc. all begin. chris

Chris,

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. I feel like you're completely twisting my words.

I personally don't think that people with HIV are dirty, I simply said that I was worried that OTHER PEOPLE would judge me and think that of me, because I know that people with HIV often suffer from a lot of ignorance and insults of that nature from other people. I haven't decided that, it's just a fact that a lot of other people have that attitude. It's as simple as that, so please stop trying to make something out of what I said, when it's simply not the case.

That aside, I appreciate your kind thoughts.

Thankyou.

No, what you said was that "he assured me he was clean". (You referenced your family's anticipated reaction later in the initial post.). And, please all I am suggesting is that you understand that this is a very subtle aspect to the way we all have dealt with this disease. For example: When I was first diagnosed, my physician (whose specialty was HIV) suggested that I participate in a support group. I declined precisely because I didn't want to be associated with "those people". We begin to define ourselves by the way we perceive the world perceives us.

IT is not a reflection on you and in no way is meant to presume that you are insensitive or cruel. I just want you to begin to understand that, as you begin to educate people about this disease, less in needed in terms of educating them about the medical aspects of the disease (while that is still absolitely fundamental) and more needs to be done about the social, spiritual, psychological, and emotional aspect of this disease. love ya', chris