Hi everyone.

I lost my mom 5 years ago, and still have the same heartache as if she left yesterday. She wasn't ill or anything like that. Infact, I spoke to her on the phone about 3 hrs before she died. A cluster formed in between her brain cells, and the pressure caused it to burst. According to the doctor, that is the most natural and murcyful death anyone can have. She died in her sleep. She was 42 years old and just started her life as her first grandchild's granny - my daughter. She was the granny which I desired as a kid, and I knew that no matter what happens, me and my children will always have a soft place to fall with my mom in the picture. Well, then she died. One day my life was full of colour, and the next moment, in the same day, it changed to grey and black. My daughter is now 6 and my son (which she never got to see) is now 4. I'm expecting a baby girl in January 07. She was part of a twin of which the little boy wasn't strong enough to survive the pregnancy. I keep on loosing things and people that I really love. I even lost me somewhere in the process, because I've stopped to exist quite some time ago. To tell you the truth, I did something for me for the last time, just before my mom died. I suppose that I tried so hard to cope with her death that me as a person dissapeared. I don't know what to think anymore. I just know that I'm done. I can't continue this way. It drives me insane, and I don't know how to cope with it anymore. My husband was just promoted to being a director of his firm, and he's really busy right now to secure his future at the company. I can see the joy in his eyes as he talks about his job and the satisfaction that it brings him, and I want that for him. I believe that when you love someone, you should give your life if it comes to that, for that person, so yes, I want this success for him. It would just be great if he could see me and my terrible pain and nurture me - even just for a little wile. That's not neccessary, but it would have been really nice to know that he's there to lean on. I suppose that he is there for me to lean on, he just doesn't show it so well. Bottom line... I feel terribly alone, surrounded with pain and heartache, and the guilt of not being strong for my kids as an anchor, as well as my unborn baby girl, that is experiencing what I currently am. That's not what I wanted, it just happened this way.

I'm so very sad for your loss HeartacheGirl. I lost my Grandfather a few years ago as well and feel the loss regularly too. Losing loved ones in your life is extremely difficult for most people to deal with and the closer they are to you, the harder it can be.

From the sounds of it, your husband seems happy and well at the moment and perhaps his seeming indifference to how you feel may not at all be intentional, he might simply not know or understand what you're going through. Have you sat him down and told him what you're telling us now? You don't need to feel like you're burdening him if you're feeling this way and let him know it. If my partner was feeling as you were, I'd definitely want to know about it and I don't doubt your husband would be in the same boat.

Life is often cruel and unfair from our perspective, but we all have our anchor to bear and sometimes it can be over whelming. The fact you have at least reached out here for someone to talk to is a good step and you should know there are millions of people in the world all sharing similar pain. Life is painful and we all need each other to get by.

So by all means, don't be a stranger and come talk to us here online. You're not alone even if it feels like it sometimes and even complete strangers can have broad shoulders to lean upon.

God bless

Hi

I am new to this board. Your post has really touched my heart. My dad died in January and I still feel like it just happened yesterday. My dad was sick, I watched him die from lung cancer that spread from his lungs to his brain.

I know what you mean when you say that you lost yourself after your mom's death. I feel like they closed me in the casket with my daddy. There is this emptiness about me now that I don't know how to fill.

My dad and I were the best of friends and now I feel totally alone. I just wanted to drop a word and let you know that you are not alone in what you feel. The loss of my daddy is something that I don't think I will ever completely get ove.