What I want:
1. My INTENSE creativity
2. My Self-Esteem
3. My Drive and Motivation
4. Revelations
5. Intangiable-Unjaded Happiness
What I hate:
1. My lack of will
2. My dependancy on depakote.
3. Coming to the realization that I'll never fit in
4. Crying so hard that my head aches!
5. No-one understanding me

I LOVE the hypomanic part of (what I have become) I don' care if they are all staring at me,I feel free to be myself,I am SO confident,And I NEVER feel alone!
I get so tired of feeling like I'm inprisioned in my medication bottle,what can set me free?? I want to be me.I want to smile ( all the freggen' time) I want to make other people smile and feel good too!!
DOES ANYONE OUT-THERE UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M COMING FROM ((((OR IS THIS YET ANOTHER ONE OF MY {SEEMINGLY} POINTLESS QUESTS FOR SANITY???)))))
Where does it go from here........

I here ya I love my manic side I am free to be me and the other side sucks I spend most of it in bed trapped my those demons in my head no one seems to understand what I go through the pain I endure. everyone talks about this GOD we believe in i am losing him I pray and pray but I get worse no better where is he doesn't he have to hear a least one of my pleas for help?

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whiskey

Whiskey-
Thankyou for letting me know that I'm not the only one who feel's like this. there are days that I don't even want to get out of bed...but then there are those days when i jump out of bed (no longer bound by my own dispair) and leap into the shower singing,"I'm sensetive...and I'd like to stay that way"
On the topic of God! I was born and raised being taught about him. And there are times when i (much like yourself) doubt his existance!
But then on the good days...I come to the reality that without him I would have secceced at my prior suicide attemps. I know the only reanon I'm not strapped down to some cold hospital bed gnashing my teeth is because of him. Excuse my frankness,I'm sorry If I offend you (or anyone else) But I firmly believe that I can't just pray and expect miracles--> God's no geenie!! You have to listen as well. Possibly he has answered you, you just have to be open ...

I understand your point of view. Some medications tend to take away from a persons creativity. There is a doctor who did a study and found that taking 3000 mg of vitamin C a day at meals greatly improved his patients that were depressed.

I want the same things and struggle with the same things myself. Taking vitamin C has helped my mood quite as bit. Take Care.

i feel that way most days also. the days of feeling good are over and they've been replaced with fleeting moments of elation. i'm never really happy for any decent amout of time just long enough to rember what it was like in the past that i barely have any memory of anyway. it is just long enough to tease me, it feel so good when it's here and then gone so fast. i really hate being like this. i wish i knew where it went from here...

your definetly not alone.

hope we all feel better some day.
scrags

Undoubledly, you've not lost the spark of creativity and eloquent writing!! WOW! In you're statement (NightVision)... You spoke with such a strong, unyielding confidence? May I ask where you bought it?! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif <kidding> You seem to understand what that loss entails though; how is it you can express all of the thinks that I lack and still possess yours?! What have you done (or chosen not to do) In order to keep that light,that burn? Before the modern anti deppressants People with this affliction would be put through tormenting tests and trials. Put in "Quiet" boxes to drown out their misery. They were given electro-shock therapy, IV's full of potential harmful agents,strapped down to chairs and left for days in dark rooms,they we're drowned or burned in the thought that they were witches or deamons, Or the few thast were lucky (Axle-Rose~~Gun's and Roses) Or (Vincent VanGough--A World renound artist who was known to suffer violent rage and depression-whom later cut off his own ear) So many artists and musicians and authors as well have refused med.s because they didn't want to lose their drive,their passion! I miss that. I miss feeling alive,I cansmile and put on a good show...But No matter how many smiles I fake, I am still one of the thousands of walking dead! I'm not afraid of dying...Everything Inside of me already has!

I suffered through years of depression, but I fought it every day. I still fight it. I just make myself get out of bed, and it makes me stronger each time I do. I pray. I acknowledge my feelings and that it is okay, that I can still function marginally. I take action. I share my pain. I search for answers, for steps to solutions. Probably, because of my children, they have helped me to move ahead. Because I am a single parent, and their needs are greater than mine.

Our answers don't always seem to come from God in timely fashion, but he is there. You don't know it, but he is. It is when we are released from our captivity that we see it. Be patient. Wait. God loves you. He has a plan for your life. Don't despair and don't give up. Find the things in your life that are blessings. Aren't there some good things in your life that are better than others...I know, I know...small comfort. But it is these small changes in our way of looking at life and taking responsibility for our actions...our actions that take us down lower when we are down, but we don't care because at that moment, we give up. Okay, you failed at that moment, but get back up again. We need to seek to succeed one more time than we failed, the rest doesn't matter!

They say to quite smoking, it takes an average of 12 times quitting to finally quit for the last time. This failure is one step closer to finding that combination of joyful activity, health remedies, finding support, educating ourselves, understanding ourselves, strengthening ourselves that will propel us forward inch by inch until we finally find we are within sight of daylight at the end of the tunnel. We finally feel like we have a little hope, might have a future...

We have to be kind to ourselves and quit sabotaging the good things by not reacting to the bad and making it worse. God bless.

My plateau has been a bit (what's the word...) boring since I've been "balanced". No whoopee's, no blinding revelations. But also no deep pits of depression or ruined relationships either.
If I'm stuck in the middle range of emotion I guess it tends to be a helluva lot less embarrassing than some of my wild times while manic... Hypomanic would have been cool, but I wasn't "lucky" enough to be Type II !!
Just trying to count them blessings....

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

Like some of you I love the feeling of elation. But it also scares me b/c cause as equal as the high is as equal as the low will be. It is as though we are are not bound to the earth as others. We're either soaring in the clouds of heaven or down in the depths of hell. I feel like I have been cursed.

Have heard it so often that the manic side is enjoyable but unfortunately in most cases the manic episode is followed by depression. It kind of seems to go together so each time you allow yourself to get manic you run the risk of sinking so low that you may do something to yourself that won't allow you another chance at life. I understand exactly what you are saying but unfortunately the mania must be controlled.

wow guys...im printing this and showing to my family...what we have written here sounds like a novel...you all write so well. You should be proud of yourselves. Im serious. Even though I know exactly what I have...describing it to otheres is really hard for me sometimes....this is it...YOU GUYS ARE GREAT!

safireyedangel, i feel like when i am reading your note that i am reading into my life story. depakote seems to help but i am really missing my highs despretly. i just love being goofy and my kids love when i am like that. i like when i can jump out of bed instead of making my daughter late for school because i can't get my but out of bed. thanks you have made me feel a little bit better. sometimes i feel so alone and that noone anywhere knows what it's like to feel the way that i feel or to feel the things that i do. thanks

I guess ya'll are right...
Though I do miss my spontanaity (can't spell)
And my creativity amoung so many other positive attributes, It is a risk to allow myself to become hypo-manic. But is it a risk I am willing to take ?
(That's a question I have to ask myself every day)
Sometimes the good out weighs the bad. On those days I find myself (undermedicated) and content. I am joyful and elated. But then the consequences I can not avoid. I eventually fall deeper into depression that I would have had I taked my medication. But is it worth it?? H*ll Yeah! (most of the time) When I slip into that eventuall despair I find hope in knowing that it's like a mary-go-'round and I will once again be flooded with the content and invinsability (whatever)
that I crave. That I need to really feel alive (much less human) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

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Everyone staring at you too huh? WELL...SMILE!