Jess22
09-08-2006, 06:27 PM
Hi All,
Just wanted to inform you about mom. Mom had an MRI and a Cat scan less than a year ago so we had the records faxed to the new specialist. He may not want to repeat them since it may have nothing to do with her fast progression since those test's were normal. The situation has just become worse and worse.... Wed. night I went over and stayed around with her from four thirty until around nine. She was so good I fixed her hair and she got her bath and we visited and took a walk etc. When I got ready to leave she said "Im gonna cry when you leave" it was so pitiful when I started to go she was just sitting there on her bed with her hands folded telling me to be careful and of course the same "Come back when you can" Needless to say she got out two times yesterday and attempted five more trys. Smacked at two residents and even a courtesy aide. Pointed at the nurse and told her off and threatened her. They had to follow her all day and the only person who can calm her down is the little activity girl. We have a conferance the end of this month, she has gotten out seven times and attempted more than twenty.
The nurses and aides just love her and they are all so good to her they are trying everything to help her and they assure us they dont want us to have to move her to a locked unit but I know it's looking bad. Anyway they have a new director of nursing who I really like and she only suggested that sometimes AD patients do worse after they see their families so often. She says even though they forget you were their after a little while that it stirs up all sorts of feelings for them inside. She didnt ask us but suggested we try on a trial basis to see how Mom does if me and my sister dont visit for at least four days or so , then after we visit see how she does. The pattern seems to be that she trys to get out etc. after I especially spend time with her. She's always going to my house when she gets out she says. They assure me they will take good care of her and call me and keep me informed, they are going to chart her actions during all of this... Lord I havent been four days without seeing her unless I have been out of town I hope I can make it.. Im sorry because I know some of you are a far distance from your loved one and I know it troubles you.. But if Mom does do better than I' am determined to cut my visiting down tremendously for ONLY HER BENEFIT!!!!!!!!! it's all about them being taken care of and as content as this god awful disease allows. It's worth a try so I'll give it a shot. The only locked unit we have is in our town and it has such a bad rep. The next closest one is two hours away so Im a bit discouraged. Has anyone else had someone who did better when they were not visited as much??? Lord Im going to have to paint my entire bedroom tommorow in order to stay away from over there!!
Just wanted to inform you about mom. Mom had an MRI and a Cat scan less than a year ago so we had the records faxed to the new specialist. He may not want to repeat them since it may have nothing to do with her fast progression since those test's were normal. The situation has just become worse and worse.... Wed. night I went over and stayed around with her from four thirty until around nine. She was so good I fixed her hair and she got her bath and we visited and took a walk etc. When I got ready to leave she said "Im gonna cry when you leave" it was so pitiful when I started to go she was just sitting there on her bed with her hands folded telling me to be careful and of course the same "Come back when you can" Needless to say she got out two times yesterday and attempted five more trys. Smacked at two residents and even a courtesy aide. Pointed at the nurse and told her off and threatened her. They had to follow her all day and the only person who can calm her down is the little activity girl. We have a conferance the end of this month, she has gotten out seven times and attempted more than twenty.
The nurses and aides just love her and they are all so good to her they are trying everything to help her and they assure us they dont want us to have to move her to a locked unit but I know it's looking bad. Anyway they have a new director of nursing who I really like and she only suggested that sometimes AD patients do worse after they see their families so often. She says even though they forget you were their after a little while that it stirs up all sorts of feelings for them inside. She didnt ask us but suggested we try on a trial basis to see how Mom does if me and my sister dont visit for at least four days or so , then after we visit see how she does. The pattern seems to be that she trys to get out etc. after I especially spend time with her. She's always going to my house when she gets out she says. They assure me they will take good care of her and call me and keep me informed, they are going to chart her actions during all of this... Lord I havent been four days without seeing her unless I have been out of town I hope I can make it.. Im sorry because I know some of you are a far distance from your loved one and I know it troubles you.. But if Mom does do better than I' am determined to cut my visiting down tremendously for ONLY HER BENEFIT!!!!!!!!! it's all about them being taken care of and as content as this god awful disease allows. It's worth a try so I'll give it a shot. The only locked unit we have is in our town and it has such a bad rep. The next closest one is two hours away so Im a bit discouraged. Has anyone else had someone who did better when they were not visited as much??? Lord Im going to have to paint my entire bedroom tommorow in order to stay away from over there!!
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LuvMyLilDoggie
09-08-2006, 07:52 PM
I'm thinking back to the early '80's when my grandma was placed in a nursing home. She too had some sort of dementia, most likely AD.
My aunt was grandma's daughter. But grandma remembered my aunt's husband long after she forgot all her children and grandchildren. So when my uncle came with my aunt to visit grandma, my grandma would be good as gold. Then when they left, she'd get angry and carry on about how L took off with "that woman" (her daughter) when he knew that she wanted to go too. Grandma would give the staff a run for their money and would hide her things in other people's rooms and accuse people of stealing things. She was also one who tried many times to escape.
My aunt and uncle were asked to limit their visits to once a week (grandma was in another state than we were so our visits were sporatic). Grandma did settle down much more and and lived the rest of her life in that nursing home. She never had to go to a lockdown unit (this was the last resort if aunt and uncle not visiting often didn't work).
I'm glad that you're willing to give this a chance. Remember that you're doing this to HELP your mom. As hard as this is for you, remember and keep telling yourself "It'll be better for mom and all I want is what's best for her." Sure you'll cry and feel depressed about it. You feel like you're losing your mom and now you may be feeling like you're abandoning her. But Jess, it's important for you to know that you are NOT abandoning her. You're allowing her the time she needs to get as accustomed to her surroundings as she can. You're doing the toughest thing you've probably ever had to do. But you're doing it FOR HER. I have no doubt you'll have that bedroom painted in no time flat and you'll do a wonderful job. Yes, keeping busy will help to pass the time and help to keep your mind off things some.
And think of your time away from mom in smaller increments. Four days is obviously overwhelming for you. One day at a time. You can do one day. Don't think any farther ahead than that where your time away from mom is concerned. Then when the next day comes, it's one more day. It sounds stupid but that's gotten me through serious medical problems, marital problems and the death of my mom (heart attack, age 67-I had just turned 31 4 days before). It also got me through the deaths of two of my brothers, one age 45, hit by a car and the other age 53 of cancer. The one with cancer died 2 weeks before Sept 11th, 2001. That was a particularly difficult time for me. Try it, Jess. It does help. I promise. Guaranteed---double the refund....:)
Love, Barb
My aunt was grandma's daughter. But grandma remembered my aunt's husband long after she forgot all her children and grandchildren. So when my uncle came with my aunt to visit grandma, my grandma would be good as gold. Then when they left, she'd get angry and carry on about how L took off with "that woman" (her daughter) when he knew that she wanted to go too. Grandma would give the staff a run for their money and would hide her things in other people's rooms and accuse people of stealing things. She was also one who tried many times to escape.
My aunt and uncle were asked to limit their visits to once a week (grandma was in another state than we were so our visits were sporatic). Grandma did settle down much more and and lived the rest of her life in that nursing home. She never had to go to a lockdown unit (this was the last resort if aunt and uncle not visiting often didn't work).
I'm glad that you're willing to give this a chance. Remember that you're doing this to HELP your mom. As hard as this is for you, remember and keep telling yourself "It'll be better for mom and all I want is what's best for her." Sure you'll cry and feel depressed about it. You feel like you're losing your mom and now you may be feeling like you're abandoning her. But Jess, it's important for you to know that you are NOT abandoning her. You're allowing her the time she needs to get as accustomed to her surroundings as she can. You're doing the toughest thing you've probably ever had to do. But you're doing it FOR HER. I have no doubt you'll have that bedroom painted in no time flat and you'll do a wonderful job. Yes, keeping busy will help to pass the time and help to keep your mind off things some.
And think of your time away from mom in smaller increments. Four days is obviously overwhelming for you. One day at a time. You can do one day. Don't think any farther ahead than that where your time away from mom is concerned. Then when the next day comes, it's one more day. It sounds stupid but that's gotten me through serious medical problems, marital problems and the death of my mom (heart attack, age 67-I had just turned 31 4 days before). It also got me through the deaths of two of my brothers, one age 45, hit by a car and the other age 53 of cancer. The one with cancer died 2 weeks before Sept 11th, 2001. That was a particularly difficult time for me. Try it, Jess. It does help. I promise. Guaranteed---double the refund....:)
Love, Barb
angel_bear
09-08-2006, 08:22 PM
Nobody said you can't ring !!
I know 4 days seems an eternity, but for the first few times, your right, make yourself active and busy !!
AND .................
Make sure you make some time to be with some friends .. have some coffee (or chocolate) .. make a date !!!!! Enjoy the holiday.
Pretend Mum is in a glorius hotel in some exotic place and there is no way you could visit her anyway !!
Read a book ! When was the last time you read a book properly?
Cook !!!
Spring Clean (it's spring in Australia .. feel free to pop over)
Check out alternatives for Mum (just in case !!)
Go for a picnic !!
Make some time for YOU .. have a bubble bath !!!
More ideas to keep Jess busy please ........ !
Cheers
:-)
I know 4 days seems an eternity, but for the first few times, your right, make yourself active and busy !!
AND .................
Make sure you make some time to be with some friends .. have some coffee (or chocolate) .. make a date !!!!! Enjoy the holiday.
Pretend Mum is in a glorius hotel in some exotic place and there is no way you could visit her anyway !!
Read a book ! When was the last time you read a book properly?
Cook !!!
Spring Clean (it's spring in Australia .. feel free to pop over)
Check out alternatives for Mum (just in case !!)
Go for a picnic !!
Make some time for YOU .. have a bubble bath !!!
More ideas to keep Jess busy please ........ !
Cheers
:-)
Martha H
09-09-2006, 07:03 AM
My Mom doesn't seem to fit into this category, but then, she is so far along that she doesn't know whether she has had visitors or not.
However, my brother's MIL was a difficult patient, with lots of ranting and raving and threats, most awful was the spitting - and she was always very much worse after having visitors. They had to cut down to once a week. The sight of her family made her want to go home. It was that simple. Not seeing them calmed her down.
Enjoy the time and do things for yourself. In my opinion a bubble bath is way more tempting than painting a house ....
You will soon settle into a routine of visiting her once in awhile. Both of you will be happier!:)
love,
Martha
However, my brother's MIL was a difficult patient, with lots of ranting and raving and threats, most awful was the spitting - and she was always very much worse after having visitors. They had to cut down to once a week. The sight of her family made her want to go home. It was that simple. Not seeing them calmed her down.
Enjoy the time and do things for yourself. In my opinion a bubble bath is way more tempting than painting a house ....
You will soon settle into a routine of visiting her once in awhile. Both of you will be happier!:)
love,
Martha
Choquis
09-09-2006, 10:35 AM
Dear Jess,
So sorry to hear about your mom's attempted escapes. When my mom went to NH...which was really AFC (Adult Foster Care), I was told not to visit for a week! I had to drive by her AFC everyday on my way to work and would pray for the caregivers and my mother as I drove by. I also called to see how she was doing. My dad was told not to visit for 3 weeks! He drove toward Florida for 24 hours straight so he wouldn't be tempted to turn back. He did stay away for 3 weeks.
My one week was awful....got thru it somehow. You sound like me with projects to do when stressed. (I canned a whole bushel of tomatoes the morning of 9/11 as my daughter's subway stop was at the WTC. I didn't hear until 1 pm that she was okay....)
Another thought is if your not visiting keeps her from going into a locked facility you are doing both of you a favor. I know it is so hard.... Take it a day (or project) at a time.... Keep your thoughts on the goal of keeping her at that nice place....
You're in my prayers,
Choquis
So sorry to hear about your mom's attempted escapes. When my mom went to NH...which was really AFC (Adult Foster Care), I was told not to visit for a week! I had to drive by her AFC everyday on my way to work and would pray for the caregivers and my mother as I drove by. I also called to see how she was doing. My dad was told not to visit for 3 weeks! He drove toward Florida for 24 hours straight so he wouldn't be tempted to turn back. He did stay away for 3 weeks.
My one week was awful....got thru it somehow. You sound like me with projects to do when stressed. (I canned a whole bushel of tomatoes the morning of 9/11 as my daughter's subway stop was at the WTC. I didn't hear until 1 pm that she was okay....)
Another thought is if your not visiting keeps her from going into a locked facility you are doing both of you a favor. I know it is so hard.... Take it a day (or project) at a time.... Keep your thoughts on the goal of keeping her at that nice place....
You're in my prayers,
Choquis
Sandyspen
09-10-2006, 06:00 PM
Hi Jess,
Yep, it's the same for me. If I go see mom twice in one week, she's awful afterwards, calling me, threatening the staff. It's almost like it keeps it fresh in her mind that she should be someplace else, other than the home.
When I go once a week, I try to make it 2 hours before lunch so I have a "ready" reason to leave when everyone is moving toward the dining room. As long as I keep the visit short, and only go once a week, Mom really settles in and likes the place.
It seems sad, but whatever works.............
Yep, it's the same for me. If I go see mom twice in one week, she's awful afterwards, calling me, threatening the staff. It's almost like it keeps it fresh in her mind that she should be someplace else, other than the home.
When I go once a week, I try to make it 2 hours before lunch so I have a "ready" reason to leave when everyone is moving toward the dining room. As long as I keep the visit short, and only go once a week, Mom really settles in and likes the place.
It seems sad, but whatever works.............
lollylegs
09-13-2006, 04:03 PM
helle jess,
my heart goes out to you! it will be a very long 4 days without visiting. phone as often as you need to for reassurance and keep busy.
sometimes this approach does work, it is a good idea to try it out and see. then you will know for sure. for some people it is better if the visits are in the morning, then there is time to settle down in the afternoon before sundowning starts particularly if sundowning and 'escaping' are occurring together in the evenings. sometimes just a change to morning visiting can be enough to help and leave as she goes to lunch as someone else suggested.
take care
lollylegs
my heart goes out to you! it will be a very long 4 days without visiting. phone as often as you need to for reassurance and keep busy.
sometimes this approach does work, it is a good idea to try it out and see. then you will know for sure. for some people it is better if the visits are in the morning, then there is time to settle down in the afternoon before sundowning starts particularly if sundowning and 'escaping' are occurring together in the evenings. sometimes just a change to morning visiting can be enough to help and leave as she goes to lunch as someone else suggested.
take care
lollylegs