JustMarried8
09-06-2003, 06:58 PM
i recently (about a month ago!) got married to a man who is bipolar. i love him very much, but am having some trouble dealing with his behaviors and would like some advice. so far this board has been helpful, although i have been sitting here crying at some of the things i've been reading.
he was diagnosed when he was a child, and has always stayed on his medications (currently taking depakote... he is very successful with this and has been on it for years now) his doctor also prescribes klonapin, although he doesn't take it the way it's prescribed... he saves it up and then takes a whole bunch at once, and insists on a few drinks as well. he doesn't see a problem with this. he has been "self-medicating" for years, i got him to stop taking the pain killers, ecstacy, and other stuff (he was taking oxycodon) and i still think this is a problem with the klonapin.... he takes it and drinks and feels great, then the next day he's miserable.... is this an addictive drug? is he feeling withdrawal?
i know that i didnt' make a mistake by marrying this man... he is the most loving, caring, funny, wonderful guy about 90% of the time... but i'm having a lot of trouble handling our relationship the other 10%. we have been together for about 3 years total, and have lived together for almost 2 of those years. i know it's not always this bad, but we've had a really rough day and i needed to find a good place to vent. i made an appointment to speak to a therapist, i feel that would be helpful for me. i may also look into couples counseling, although i'm not sure he'd be into it... and also not sure how comfortable i would be in talking to someone with him when he is feeling good, because when he's feeling good, he doesn't even remember the times he wasn't... it all is like a blur to him and he thinks i'm nuts when i bring up things that he said/did.
i hope some of you have some advice for me, and for us! thank you for listening and being there for me....
he was diagnosed when he was a child, and has always stayed on his medications (currently taking depakote... he is very successful with this and has been on it for years now) his doctor also prescribes klonapin, although he doesn't take it the way it's prescribed... he saves it up and then takes a whole bunch at once, and insists on a few drinks as well. he doesn't see a problem with this. he has been "self-medicating" for years, i got him to stop taking the pain killers, ecstacy, and other stuff (he was taking oxycodon) and i still think this is a problem with the klonapin.... he takes it and drinks and feels great, then the next day he's miserable.... is this an addictive drug? is he feeling withdrawal?
i know that i didnt' make a mistake by marrying this man... he is the most loving, caring, funny, wonderful guy about 90% of the time... but i'm having a lot of trouble handling our relationship the other 10%. we have been together for about 3 years total, and have lived together for almost 2 of those years. i know it's not always this bad, but we've had a really rough day and i needed to find a good place to vent. i made an appointment to speak to a therapist, i feel that would be helpful for me. i may also look into couples counseling, although i'm not sure he'd be into it... and also not sure how comfortable i would be in talking to someone with him when he is feeling good, because when he's feeling good, he doesn't even remember the times he wasn't... it all is like a blur to him and he thinks i'm nuts when i bring up things that he said/did.
i hope some of you have some advice for me, and for us! thank you for listening and being there for me....
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HoosierBj
09-06-2003, 08:51 PM
I can tell you what works for my husband...
He's developed an exterior of sheer Teflon. My moods & my irritability seem to just roll right off him. He doesn't take them personally, and has learned to listen without being affected.
I wish I knew how he did it, I've worked with people that I'd use it on myself!
There's a slight possibility that he doesn't mean to be wonderful at all, but honestly doesn't pay that much attention to me... (??!!)
He's developed an exterior of sheer Teflon. My moods & my irritability seem to just roll right off him. He doesn't take them personally, and has learned to listen without being affected.
I wish I knew how he did it, I've worked with people that I'd use it on myself!
There's a slight possibility that he doesn't mean to be wonderful at all, but honestly doesn't pay that much attention to me... (??!!)
mudhound
09-06-2003, 10:07 PM
One of the first things I would do is get involved with NAMI (NAMI.ORG). They have been so helpful for me. My wife has bp and life can become unbearable.
Getting with others on this board can help too. Maybe that 10% of the time can be cut to 5% for you.
Not to discourage you but mine is near 50-60% of the time that she does wild and crazy things. If we had not already been married, I would not have married her. Now I love her and just plain put up with the issues as they happen.
Getting with others on this board can help too. Maybe that 10% of the time can be cut to 5% for you.
Not to discourage you but mine is near 50-60% of the time that she does wild and crazy things. If we had not already been married, I would not have married her. Now I love her and just plain put up with the issues as they happen.
Ben There
09-07-2003, 01:53 AM
WOW !!! Klonopin is NOT something to be trifled with. Of all the meds I've experienced THAT ONE had some of the most devastating immediate impacts. Whoever is prescribing ought to be well advised (of course, don't get yourself into the "snitch" role)...
Good luck with all you have to contend with and look forward to ~ it can be the best and the worst of worlds.
------------------
Ex-Pharmaceutical Guinea Pig...
Good luck with all you have to contend with and look forward to ~ it can be the best and the worst of worlds.
------------------
Ex-Pharmaceutical Guinea Pig...
KimRick
09-08-2003, 11:41 AM
I know exactly what you're going through!! My fiance & I have been together for 5 years now & he was diagnosed 2 years ago. He was a HEAVY substance abuser for about 17 years - self medicating, I guess. He's been clean & sober for a little over a year now. His moods, when he has them, are SO BAD!!! Sometimes, it's like dealing with Dr. Jekyyl & Mr. Hyde. You have to distinguish the difference between the two and you have to understand that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. What works for me is letting him go off on his tangents, but always being there when he needs me. You have to let his moods roll off your back. I've learned not to lean on him, if he's in his mood, when I'm upset or sad because he can't console me. He can concole me when he's doing ok, though. It's good for you if you have some really close friends to cry on when it gets bad for you. Hang in there!!! Just remember, this is just as hard for him as it is for you. Be there for him when he needs you the most.
neonfrog
09-12-2003, 04:15 PM
My wife is bp too and it doesn't bother me too much. I just learned when and when not she is going through an episode and give her room to explode. That way it doesn't get to me and I don't take the mean things she says to heart.
322284699mjn
09-12-2003, 05:29 PM
Hey Frog,
Good for you. Just walk away when you see it coming. The worst thing to do is get into the soup! I learned the hard way.
Peace,
Good for you. Just walk away when you see it coming. The worst thing to do is get into the soup! I learned the hard way.
Peace,
JustMarried8
09-12-2003, 05:47 PM
Thank you to everyone for replying...
I really appreciate your advice... I try very hard not to let it bother me, but it's so hard! I'm a very sensitive person and things don't roll off my back too easily. How can I change?
I really appreciate your advice... I try very hard not to let it bother me, but it's so hard! I'm a very sensitive person and things don't roll off my back too easily. How can I change?
KimRick
09-15-2003, 02:04 PM
I used to be a VERY sensitive person & I would let EVERY LITTLE THING get to me. Finally, I woke up one day and I was a nervous wreck teetering on the brink of insanity. I was so consumed with the little things in life. You have got to learn to take things with a grain of salt, especially since you're married to someone who's bi-polar. Life is full of crap, sometimes, and if you don't learn to lighten up, you'll never make it out alive. Trust me, as soon as you start to toughen up and ignore certain things, you'll feel this huge weight lifted off of your shoulders and you'll be able to breathe again! Good luck !!! :)
wxKathy2
09-16-2003, 05:25 AM
My husband is BP also - we've been married 12.5 years and together for about 14....I too am very sensitive (there were rarely ever raised voices in my household growing up) and learning to cope with this illness has been the hardest and the most rewarding thing I've ever had to do.
It was a long time to get to where we are now...I think the thing that helped me the most was the realization (mental and emotional - and this didn't come overnight) that he cannot control this illness - he can make choices about how he will manage it - and those choices tell me he values our relationship because he is willing to make things better.
He is not deliberately having these moods to make me miserable. At the time they are happening it's hard for me to always remember this - and for him some times afterwards he has remorse (which makes me know he didn't really mean what he said and that he loves me enough to feel bad about it) or he doesn' t remeber it - those are the hard ones for me to forgive and forget (and yes, he's really good about letting my shortcomings roll off him - I think it's because this is the way he would like me to be too??)
But the best protection for my own emotions has been to try to run interference in my mind when it's happening to remind me that he didn't sign up for this illness and he is not doing this deliberately TO me. I'm not always good at this - especially when I'm not feeling my best - but this has helped me the most.
And then there are the special times - when his passionate personality pours out in love towards me - those are unique blessings...I think some people who never have to live with bi-polar never get such meaningful and fulfilling times (but I wouldn't know)....a blessing, a curse, and the reward of staying together through it all brings us closer together....
Best wishes to you,
Kathy
It was a long time to get to where we are now...I think the thing that helped me the most was the realization (mental and emotional - and this didn't come overnight) that he cannot control this illness - he can make choices about how he will manage it - and those choices tell me he values our relationship because he is willing to make things better.
He is not deliberately having these moods to make me miserable. At the time they are happening it's hard for me to always remember this - and for him some times afterwards he has remorse (which makes me know he didn't really mean what he said and that he loves me enough to feel bad about it) or he doesn' t remeber it - those are the hard ones for me to forgive and forget (and yes, he's really good about letting my shortcomings roll off him - I think it's because this is the way he would like me to be too??)
But the best protection for my own emotions has been to try to run interference in my mind when it's happening to remind me that he didn't sign up for this illness and he is not doing this deliberately TO me. I'm not always good at this - especially when I'm not feeling my best - but this has helped me the most.
And then there are the special times - when his passionate personality pours out in love towards me - those are unique blessings...I think some people who never have to live with bi-polar never get such meaningful and fulfilling times (but I wouldn't know)....a blessing, a curse, and the reward of staying together through it all brings us closer together....
Best wishes to you,
Kathy
simplychris1968
09-16-2003, 07:44 AM
Hi...
I have BP as well as my fiance. He also has post traumatic stress disorder from being emotionally abused by his father.
My advice to you is that he needs to be clean & sober...this is very important for the bipolar meds. Mixing with alcohol & other drugs could be fatal for him.
Just be patient with him...if he has mood swings try not to take it personally. It's the nature of someone with bipolar.
I wish you much luck.
------------------
Christine
I have BP as well as my fiance. He also has post traumatic stress disorder from being emotionally abused by his father.
My advice to you is that he needs to be clean & sober...this is very important for the bipolar meds. Mixing with alcohol & other drugs could be fatal for him.
Just be patient with him...if he has mood swings try not to take it personally. It's the nature of someone with bipolar.
I wish you much luck.
------------------
Christine
KimRick
09-16-2003, 10:13 AM
Let me ask a question here. My fiance isn't able to work. He collects SSI, which ISN'T very much. I work full time and go to school part time. Eventually, I'm hoping that somewhere down the line, he'll be able to work again. Do any of your spouses work? How do you manage?
Mental1
09-20-2003, 09:00 AM
Oxycondon and Klonopin are addictive. He should take the Klonopin when he's supposed to. I can only imagine saving up my doses, then taking them all at once. I'd pass out.
I really wish I could be of more help, but I've been through the "self-medicating" thing and all it does is cause problems for both of you. He REALLY needs to stop doing that.
I really wish I could be of more help, but I've been through the "self-medicating" thing and all it does is cause problems for both of you. He REALLY needs to stop doing that.
KimRick
09-24-2003, 11:39 AM
In my opinion, the ONLY reason that you should be taking Oxycodon is if your suffering from cancer or some other EXTREME illness - not for fun, back pain, or whatever. That stuff is too risky to just take for craps & giggles!
VeganLady
09-24-2003, 01:37 PM
My perspective will be somewhat different, as I have Bipolar and my partner doesn't. First of all, I think it's important to stop messing around with the meds. Maybe you could tell him you how worried you are that this may hurt him (and it seems rather dangerous), he may listen. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my significant other here for me. I'm sure your husband appreciates your understanding and help very much. I'm sure he wishes he never hurt you, but as you know, he can't help it. It sounds like you're doing a great job dealing with this, so keep up the good work. When you have Bipolar, it's so great to have supportive people in your life.
I suppose thats all the help I can really give. Good luck. :)
I suppose thats all the help I can really give. Good luck. :)
KimRick
09-24-2003, 02:45 PM
It's VERY important to have positive & supportive people around you when you're dealing with this. My fiance & I have avoided negative people and situations since he was diagnosed. I even went as far as telling his parents (who have that "s**t or get off the pot" attitude) that if they can't be positive and supportive to stay away. There pretty good, though, they do stay away when they're having a bad day or something, other than that, they've been pretty good.
klmac
09-30-2003, 07:53 AM
My husband of 8 years has just recently been diagnosed with BP 2. He is taking medications. He had been on anti-depressants for the past 4+ years. I have lived for 8 years with major mood swings...from not speaking to me to "we have nothing in common, why stay together", to "this marriage will never work" and on and on. We both have a child from a previous marriage. My child has been affected, as well, by the mood swings. His child has not (directly). I have done my best for the past several years to keep everyone quiet when he is in these "dark" moods and to try to make him happy. I HAVE LEARNED THAT I CAN'T DO IT ALL. During the past 3 months, I have heard things that he has told other people about him not being happy and that our marriage is over. Then a day later, he wants to take me to dinner. I have come to the end of my rope...I don't know how much negative life I am suppose to live with. Can a BP person only affect one area in their life (such as a marriage) and not any other (such as a career) ? There is nothing else in his life that he is unhappy about...just me. I (we) are going to counseling. If not to save this marriage, then to try to keep sane in dealing with it all.
Sorry for the loonnnggg message...this is hard for me and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Sorry for the loonnnggg message...this is hard for me and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
jmhiss
09-30-2003, 02:51 PM
congratulations on being just married. Would like to echo sentiments of previous responders tho and emphasize that being able to let things just "roll off your back" is essential to being married period even if not to a bipolar person. Not being able to do so will place continual stress on your system which will eventually result possibly in your sinking into a depression. Very important to keep in mind all the time that when he is manic and also when he is in a depressive phase, he is not himself and often not rational.Easy to get angry at someone if you always feel that they are in complete control of themselves but that if often an invalid assumption.Being flexible and adaptable to varying situations is an important trait to develop because there will be many times when you will be taken by surprise by the impulsiveness of his behavior.It is not an easy path you have chosen but if he is as good a person as you say that it will be worth it. I have been with my wife for 19 yr. and truthfully there have been more than a few time when I questioned my ability to handle the unpredictability of it all and the difficult highs and lows but have managed so far to gut it out. Good luck to you!
melanie27
10-09-2003, 04:17 PM
My husband has it & is on topamax hes been on all the meds & eveen went off them for 7 yrs refused to see a dr & just about drove me crazy ..If it wernt for me serving God I dont no where id be its prayers that have kept me going through all this. One thing I no GOD HAS SHOWED ME IS THEY NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY my hubby has ran everyone out of his life but me & god & our children.of course IVE WANTED TO RUN But he wouldnt let me out of the house to do it..to which im thankful now...my advice to you get ahold of a prayer life & trust god to help you ...(((hugs)))
JustMarried8
10-11-2003, 09:28 PM
This is the most difficult time I've had since I met my husband 3 years ago... he is going through such a tough time, and I can't help him... I am very unhappy... I know it will change at some point. he hasn't been abusing the klonapin this month (to my knowledge..) He has been taking it the way it's prescribed, but it doesn't seem to be helping his anxiety... The time we have been spending together has just been terrible this past month... he is miserable, laying on the couch not able to do anything, and I don't know what to do... he tells me that the reason he is feeling this way is because of his job, and i try to help him to not think about work on the weekends... today was OK until an hour ago, when his mood changed and he was on the couch again. he didnt' know why he got so upset all of a sudden... He told me that he thinks that he is a huge disappointment to me, and that I shouldn't have to deal with him like this... and of course I told him that I love him and that I want to help him, that he is not a disappointment... but HOW do I help him? He is going through a lot, but so am I... I feel selfish for even writing that... How do I handle this? I think I've spent more time crying than he has... any help would be great...
[This message has been edited by JustMarried8 (edited 10-11-2003).]
[This message has been edited by JustMarried8 (edited 10-11-2003).]
ggermany
10-12-2003, 11:23 PM
I would recommend NARCANON. A support group for people affected by drug abuse. It's kind of like ALANON, and might help with support of other people who have been/are going thru the same thing. It's free and I don't think it could hurt.
Best of Luck!
Best of Luck!
uniquewty
05-24-2005, 12:48 AM
I met a wonderful man last August 2004, he is 20 younger, but we both have no problems with the age thing. Bipolar with post traumatic stress and slight phenia is a lot to handle. I have been reading the comments here and finally I do not feel I am alone!!! I was beginning to think I was crazy for loving him so much, but now I see how I can better handle the moods, the lies, the behaviors, mania and depression. But how do I tell the two teens I have that he is not choosing to act this way without making him feel like he is so disabled. He feels bad he is on SSI and has had a few brushes with the law and also lost his license a few years ago. His fear of incarceration prevents him from answering the false charges placed against him. I know he can handle only so much. So many people - especially women try to take advantage of him as he is so sweet - how do I help him see - they misunderstand him. He loves me deeply and I do him... but I can not put up with him online chatting or accepting phone calls from women. wow lot to deal with?!!