Hi all. I wouldn't come right out and say that I have a eating disorder, but I know in my heart that something isn't right. My friends and family all tell me that I'm thin but I still feel like a beast. I feel like if they think I'm thin now, wait until I'm even thinner, and then what will they say? they'll be so happy and jealous!! And I feel this way, and I want to lose more weight, but now I feel like i'm trapped because I like to eat. I love to eat, rather. I like trying new things and eating until I'm full! Is that such a crime?? To me, it is. I feel like throwing up afterwards. And sometimes I do. And at that moment, I feel better, but then later I feel like I cheated. It's a constant battle for me, a constant battle against weight, and calories, and time, and money. One thing after the other. If I could just lose those 10 pounds everything would fall into place...I just know it.

Any thoughts?

Feel Free to Respond

I think after you lose 10 lbs, you think that you need to lose 5 more ... and then 5 more ... then 10 more. Eating disorders have to do with so much more than weight, and it seems like you might have an idea about that all ready, like when you said losing weight would make things "fall into place". Your weight will not make your relationships, your job, or your finances better. You need to do that for yourself. Eating disorders hint toward control issues for some people. When it seems that we can't control the other things in our lives, we can always control our bodies and what we eat right?

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? You might like to speak to someone before you take this to the next level. By "the next level", I mean practicing behaviors associated with eating disorders regularly (binging and purging, starvation cycles, etc). You can end up doing a lot of damage to your body: irreparable damage. It isn't fun.

How long have you been experiencing this?

I've been experiencing this for almost 5 years, since I was about 12 or 13. I have to say that for a long time, I was bingeing and purging, but I knew it was unhealthy and forced myself to stop. It wasn't really that I felt that I was hurting myself, I just knew that in the long run it wasn't a solution...and that if I want to lose weight I have to do it the right way. With diet and exercise, etc.

What I can't understand is why I have to be the one to say "I can't eat that even though other people can and they don't gain weight". It's so flaky, I know, but it's how I feel, I feel like I'm burdened with this, but i shouldn't have to be. It's just unfair and I don't appreciate that. Sometimes I totally rebel against the system and just eat whatever I want...but then the next day I look in the mirror and I see what I don't want to see! I don't want big hips and small breasts and a big nose and curly hair! This is all I have in this life, I only get one shot. Why do I have to be the one to struggle when there are so many beautiful women out there that have it so easy? What did they do that was so much greater that they get to be pretty and thin, but I have to be frumpy and fat? I want to look nice, i want to feel accepted in a crowd. I want to be on that magazine cover or on tv, or on broadway. I don't know, it's just a thought...

Feel Free to REspond, please!!