I apologize in advance if I sound like I am complaining, especially when I am not ready to do anything to help myself. I just really needed to vent this morning and feel like I have nowhere to turn.
I feel like my life is spinning out of control. When I started dieting a few months ago (as I have posted before) I was 5'8 and 144 pounds. Now this morning I am 121. My goal was 125, but I didn't look thin, so my goal was then 118, but now that I am 3 lbs away from that goal, I am thinking that I could still afford to lose a few more.
My eating habits are totally out of control now. I let myself have half a bowl of soup and half a bagel every other day and I take about 10-11 laxatives, especially the day that I eat nothing. I exercise till late. I am exhausted and puffing this morning because I stayed up until 1am jogging in my room in the dark, so I wouldn't wake my roomate up. Yesterday, I came home and was so hungry and ate half a cracker. I got so mad at myself, I just went right to the bathroom and threw it up again. I'm just so irritable all the time and snappy with everyone. My question is how come this felt great first because I was controlling what I ate, but now I feel like I am being controlled by it? Nobody makes comments anymore, so I know I can't be that skinny. My goal had been 118, but now I'm thinking 114. Maybe losing those extra pounds will make a difference. It's just trying to lose it! I just want to be alone all the time, and I hate my job (not unusual). I have myself in this fixed routine and everything has to be in it's right place and if anything goes different I get irritated. That's ridiculous. I am really sorry for going on. I know many people have far worse situations than I do. I am not a selfish person.

Hello found24!

Thanks for coming on here and venting. I was wondering how you are doing. Doesn't sound very good though. You and I have both talked about how we know we have a problem but aren't ready to ask for help, maybe you are getting to the point where you will finally admit it to someone who can really help. I am afraid for you. I will pray for you and be here for you but I now truly hope you will go get professional help.

Please!
Gail

Don't apologize for venting -- everuone needs to vent. You pretty much hit the nail on the head yourself. At first you controlled what you ate and felt really good about it, now it is controlling you. Believe me, I realize how difficult it is to get out of this downward spiral that you're in, but it all starts with the decision to try! What do you feel would be the easiest place for you to start: cutting back on the excercise, not vomiting anymore, eating a little more, etc? Pick something to focus on and set some little goals for yourself. Maybe only excercise for 30 minutes today? Maybe eat some crackers and keep them down? What do you think?

Found24;

I know where you are coming from. I am the same height as you (5'8") and went from 160 to today 120. You just have to realize that you are not seeing yourself the way others see you. I still look in the mirror and feel that I could lose a few pounds, but I know that in other people's eyes, I'm too skinny now.
Please be careful with the pills, those will kill you faster than the weight loss, or disable your system.
Best of luck to you...

Hi Found 24,

I just want you to know that you're not alone. One of the reasons my bad eating habits started up was because my life felt out of control and it felt good to control something. My school conselor was the one who helped me realize that. My father had lost his job and he needed to find one quickly. I was worried that we would end up living on the streets and I also felt like not eating would save money. i still feel that way. I do feel alot better now and I'm eating more often, but still not enough. You just have to try to eat a little bit more and realize that it's not going to make you fat. You can get over this. You have to learn to control what you eat and when. Just take it one step at a time and you will get through this. Like the reply said above, stop taking those pills, or you may never be able to eat normal food again. I hope that you get the courage to get help. Please do. I will be thinking of you.

God bless,
Nicholen

I just wanted to say thanks for the support and kind words. It means a lot to me to know that there are people out there that can relate and understand. The rest of yesterday didn't go any better. I had some friends over and made all this stuff for them to eat, but I wouldn't let myself touch it. I stayed up late jogging.
I don't think I am ready to talk to a friend or my family about this right now. However, I am going to make a big effort this weekend to stop the diet pills and laxatives. Even if I don't eat and exercise, this is something. I was in my drawer this morning and I couldn't believe how many pills I had gone through. All my boxes were empty. It scared me a bit when I thought about it. I am also having chest pains a lot and I just want to lie down all the time. Thank god it's Friday. I took a good look at myself this morning and I still think I could afford to lose weight off my legs a lot. But for the first time I turned around and couldn't believe I could see my ribs through my back and I can barely keep my rings on.
It's not that I don't have anyone to turn to. My mom is great and we are really close. She brought me and my brother up herself since my dad walked out ten years ago, but I just don't want to cause her stress and be a failure. Thanks for the support, I will really try to make an effort.

Found24:

All you can do is try. Set small goals for yourself, and be proud of yourself when you go 1 day without pills.
Be strong and be positive. A good spirit can work wonders...

All the best...