Yesterday was the scariest and lowest point of my life. I had just eaten at a restaurant and I felt so guilty for eating just a chicken salad. So when I got home, I blasted some hard rock music and went into my bathroom. I lifted up the toliet seat and stared into it. I then knelt down and was about to stick my finger down my throat...but I stopped. I started to cry and I felt so helpless. Please help! I am so scared!

Sincerely, Running Queen
(I used to old board and my username was Jen)

Running Queen,

I know how you feel, but no matter how sick you feel after you eat DON'T PURGE! I've often felt like doing it, but I don't. I just think to myself, is this really worth losing my teeth over? (I'm afraid of the dentist!) Is it really worth wrecking my eusophagus over and making it bleed? I don't want to have to eat through a tube later on. Just think that even though you feel sick right now, those calories will eventually just burn off. If this doesn't really help, then you can try excersizing instead, as soon as you don't feel so full anymore. Just remember that you need those calories to funtion!

Running Queen, I had EXACTLY the same experience years ago when I first started binging/purging!! I just started crying, I felt totally overwhelmed by my problem. It was almost as if the entire reality of it hit me at that single moment.

Don't scare yourself too much! Eating disorders are very serious, but try to keep things in perspective -- you're going to be ok. I read in your other post that you are getting help...how is it working out?

Hey Tricky-
I am doing a little bit better. My mom is watching what I am eating and trying to make me eat more. It is working a bit. I want to get better and that is the biggest step that you can make towards recovery right? Thanks for the post!

Wow, can I ever understand how you feel!

You just put that awful picture in my head of me, about eight years ago kneeling in front of the toilet shoving my finger down my throat but pulling out before it could go far enough to make me throw up...Then digging my nails into my thighs until they bled as punishment.

About the only good thing that came of this is that I developed an intense fear of throwing up as a result. If you were able to make yourself stop this time that's GOOD. Please continue to be strong!

Snow Angel

Good luck to you, and I hope you can over come this

R/Q,
I am both happy and envious of you at the same time. Whilst I do not wish to make light of your post nor belittle your achievements, your post is triumphant! You probably are unawares of the progress that your post heralds. For me, the sheer thought of going to a restaurant, much-less eating in one leaves me so scared. It is a thought and image that I dream of one day being able to star as central diva. You are doing all the things so many of us are afraid of, you make us realise it's okay. You can do it and remain unscathed. So...go you! I do not know you, yet I know that the person that is "Running Queen" is a brave and wonderful woman, you are beautiful, bright and funny, a person who I'll bet brings a lot of joy into many lives. You are a fantastic inspiration for this board and the many that seek hope from the posts they read, though you may not realise this. Keep on doing. Keep on fighting, for you are a torch, a brilliant light for so many of us fumbling in darkness.

Keep On keeping on because you are doing just brilliantly!

Lots of love,

A fan (albeit a bit of a messed up one) from London, England
xxxx