Can someone please help? My mom passed away Sept. 10th, the funeral was yesterday. I have tremendous guilt at the last three days of her life in the hospital, her blood pressure was too low to give paid meds and she had had surgery for a perforated bowel where they removed most of her lower intestines due to the infection it created. She had an open wound they could not close because they had to keep suctioning the infection. She couldn't speak because of the ventilator.

I knew she was in horrible pain. I won't describe the details any further. The surgeon came in the third day and said she wouldn't survive once she was taken off the blood pressure meds and the ventilator so myself and my sister decided to let her go. That is when they finally gave her pain med and sedated her and we held her hand as she died.

This is absolutely crushing me. I've lost my best friend. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me for her last days. We knew she wasn't strong enough for the surgery but her doctors said they had to try.

Thank you for just listening (reading).

Robinbird - I am so sorry that you have lost your mom, and I know that it will be a long time before you can stop grieving and start just remembering the happy times you have spent with, as you said, your best friend.
I know it's easy for me to say that you shouldn't feel guilty about anything, but I can tell you that I am sure that your mom realized that you were doing the best thing possible to help her. You had to listen to the doctors because, if you hadn't, then you would never really know whether or not your mom could have survived and come back home to you. I really believe that she didn't really feel the pain you said she had. She must have been kind of in a twiliight sleep after the operation, even though it seemed as if she was suffering. I imagine she would not have remembered the pain had she recovered. I say this because I remember when my dad had a heart attack and he was lying there with all kinds of tubes coming out of him; he did recover that time, but when I mentioned that we had been there and saw him in great pain, he didn't remember anything about it. Your mom died peacefully with her daughters with her - she must have been so happy to know that you were with her.
I also had to make the decision about my mother 8 years ago; at first, I, too wondered whether I had done the right thing. Now I know that it was - she was 98 years old and was terminally ill, but they could have kept her alive for a short while longer, possibly. I knew she wouldn't have wanted that, and the doctor gave her antidepressants to calm her down, which I'm sure hastened her death. I think of my mother almost daily, remembering all the happy times we spent together. You have to allow yourself time to grieve, and I'm so happy that you have a sister so that you can go through this together. I do believe that your mom is looking down on you both with deep affection .

Thank you Mabent, that means alot. I pray that she WAS in that twilight zone. I would talk to her and she would open her eyes but then they would roll back like she couldn't see me or couldn't focus on me. But she would draw her arms up to her chest as if she was in great pain and would pull out the IV's doing so. I know she wanted to die, she had told us that earlier in the summer when she had another health scare. She said we were just torturing her everytime we put her in the hospital. When we came to visit her she would ask if we had brought a gun with us to shoot her with. Needless to say the last few months had been very difficult and this was just the final blow to my already bruised emotional state.

I have to do what you say and remember the good things. What is so hard is that everything I do or see or think about reminds me of her. She's in every single thought in my head. Just even being out driving I'll remember how much she loved McDonald's milkshakes so I cry. I went to the grocery store tonight and remembered all her favorite foods and I cried. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT THIS HORRIBLE PAIN.

She was only 68 years old! And she was the sweetest, neatest, smartest lady you'd ever want to know. I could go on and on but I will stop for my sanity and anyone else reading this. I just want everyone who has a mama to call her or visit her and tell her how much you love her, even if you have a difficult relationship. You only have one mom.

thank you again. I will reread your post many times.

Hi -robinbird

I lost my Mom August 3rd.

Still haven't returned to work and still have crying episodes.

My Mom died on the night shift at the hospital and the last time I saw her was on the evening shift 4 hours before she passed.


I said clearly and loudly in her ear- "let go and Be with Dad'
"We love you very much"


She opened her eyes every time I spoke and I'm certain she heard me.
They say hearing goes last.

But like your Mom- she was suffering-living by means of a feeding tube, constantly getting infections and at the end aspiration pneumonia.


I know she wouldn't want to live like that but I selfishly do want her back.


I wasn't able to be there for her last breath but I'm thankful I got to say good-bye and told her to let go.


Your Mom is at peace- please try to keep that in mind.


And our Mom's knew what wonderful children they had-

Stay strong.


:wave:

Sweetpea, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through it just over a year ago and my mom was 46. Humanity and kindness come at a price, pain. We choose to make the hard decisions because it is not what's best for us, but what's best for the one we love....that is what you did. You set aside yourself, your agony, and will/want to give her what she needed the most and that was a chance at peace in the end of her life here on earth and the beginning of a new life that we only dream of.

She is fine...you however, will struggle. There's a song called God only cries for the living...and it's so true....because the ones who have passed away know the peace of the other side, it is us left to wonder, wish and doubt and that's often what we do for too long. Take comfort in knowing you set aside everything in you that wanted to keep your mom no matter what, because you knew in your heart it was time for her to go home.

My mom was comatose in the end, but had such bad bed sores/excoriation that even in a coma, she would respond to the pain of having to have her diaper changed. She would posture and weep, it was horrible and still haunts me.

Many people choose to die when the ones they love are not around. I think it's their way of making sure you don't know the pain of watching them pass. I on the other hand, was present the entire time and honestly, wouldn't trade it for the world, but it is what haunts me the most. It is the hours leading up to it, the questions the docs ask you, the choices you are forced to make and the fact that no matter the choice you make you'll always secretly wonder if you should have made the other one.

You sound like a wonderful and caring daughter and I have no doubt in my mind that you made the choice that was best for your mom and that it was her comfort that was on your mind when making the decisions you had to make.

She was there when you came into this world and you were there to help her back home, for that, she will forever be greatful. In the end, you made sure she knew how much she meant to you.

Please take comfort in the fact that only someone with a good soul ever carries doubts around with them. For, they always want to do what's best for everyone involved and that's what you did.

Please, let any and all guilt go and focus on what you need to do to heal. I hope you have a support system around you, it will help in the days to come. I don't know if it's this board or the grief board, if you do a search of Angel77, it will pull up a few threads on the grieving process and some things that we have all done to cope a little better with things.

I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers. Please keep posting as it will help you.

God Bless, sweetie, you are not alone. With love, Angel

robin bird, my heart goes out to you (hugs) sometimes there is no 'right' decision... there is just the 'best' decision in very difficult circumstances...

you decided what you did out of love, you chose to put relieving your mum of her sufferring before your own need to keep her with you at any cost.... thats a measure of real love... putting her first....

let yourself cry as much as you need to, there is healing in those tears... it sounds like you and your Mum had a great relationship and many happy times together, it is only natural that you miss her and grieve her passing. take as much time as you need. grief is a process and it is a little different for everyone but trying to suppress your greif will not help. Writing a journal can help and being around friends...

take care...:angel:
lollylegs

[QUOTE=robinbird]Thank you Mabent, that means alot. I pray that she WAS in that twilight zone.

I know exactly what you mean about the crying when you see things that you and your mom did together. I did the same thing. My mom, even though she was old, was a very independent woman and really loved living. She would never tell anyone her age, and once when she had to go to the hospital, we had to decide what year to say she was born in. She decided that she wanted to be 10 years younger; she learned when they took a chest xray that her bones showed that she had severe osteoporosis. I remember our laughing when the doctor said, "what do you expect at YOUR age!" She looked much younger than she was even when she died. I used to cry when I thought of things like that, or when I would go shopping in the stores she loved to visit. She loved shopping, and all the clerks knew her. Once we were in a small shop and one of the clerks started whispering to another. They kept following us around, and we realized that they thought we were trying to steal clothes (my mother rarely bought anything but loved to window-shop). We stayed longer to worry them! Now I can laugh when I remember those times with her. That will happen to you, too.
Your mom knew that there was no way that you could not send her to the hospital when she needed it - that would have been a criminal act! I've heard people say that, but they really are just trying to say that they are ready to die when the time comes. That's the way I feel about it. Take care, Robin, and allow yourself to cry as much as you need to for as long as you need to; but keep remembering that you did your best for your mom and that she would hate to think that you would blame yourself for anything.:)

Thank you so much for all of the kind and loving advice. It helps knowing others share the pain and knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel even though I know it will be a long time.

I'm trying to watch my beloved football team, the Kansas City Chiefs, on TV right now and I can't concentrate on them which truly shows how messed up I am, ha ha ha. I keep telling Mom that she needs to do something because they've fumbled twice. She loved them too.

I'm going back to work tomorrow which will be extremely hard because I know all of my co-workers will be asking caring questions, etc., and since I cry at the drop of a hat I will be a blubbering mess. Guess I should put on waterproof mascara, ha ha ha. I'm trying really hard to at least get a small sense of humor back as you can see.

Thanks again and I feel like I've made some great new friends.

Robin

Try posting a note on the bulletin to update people as to your situation, something to the effect of..."I appreciate all the sympathy and compassion shown for me during my loss, but it is still extremely difficult for me to talk about it with out crying, so if possible, please allow me some time to grieve and I'll keep you posted as to how I'm doing. I truly appreciate the kindnesses....love Robin."

Just let them know that it's still hard, but that you'll talk more about it when you get to a point that you're ready to. I'm sure most will understand.

And, your sense of humor will definitely keep your spirit in tact. It's the only thing that saved my sanity. I had the nurses and social workers at the hospice center rolling on the floor...but that's what being narcoleptic, with no sleep, too many meds and too much strain will do to a brain.

Take care of yourself. The light will come sooner than you know.

Robin, I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's death. I think you are being very brave after such a traumatic time and I hope work goes well for you. Don't worry about crying when people speak about your mother - they will understand how hard it is for you. When my father died I cried a lot, especially when other people expressed their sympathy, but they all seemed to understand, especially those who had suffered bereavement themselves.

When someone we love dies it causes us such pain, there is no other pain that hurts so much and that is why we cry and think we will never feel happy again. Guilt always seems to come into the picture - did we do the right things, make the right decisions, should we have done this, that or the other? All any of us can say is that we did our best for our loved ones, made the decisions with their welfare uppermost in our minds and therefore those decisions were the right ones. Your mother would have known you did your best for her, so please don't be thinking she would blame you for any pain or distress - that is not true. Illness and death are not pleasant things for any of us, but I'm sure the doctors and nurses also did their best for your mother though they couldn't save her in the end. It is so sad that she died and your will feel her loss for a long time, but she wouldn't want you to blame yourself for anything. I think deep down you know that is true, because she loved you and knew that you loved her.

please know in this time of your loss , i send you love.
I am sorry to hear about her passing.
:angel:

My mom died of ovarian cancer on September 11th. I'm still reeling. All I can tell you is that I understand what you're going through to the letter. The last images of my mother are horror movie level. Now I'm scared for my own health, missing her terribly, and a general MESS. I've never been a "Life sucks" kind of person, always very upbeat and optimistic; this takes a lot out of you, I tell you that.

I'm right there with you all. My Mom died of Breast Cancer 10 months ago. I was her only caretaker as my Dad passed away the year before and my only sibling lives 1000 miles away. I'm the one who had to make all the decisions and I've really been questioning myself lately. I find myself now totally reliving things as they were 1 year ago. Her last two months were just awful. I'm still haunted by her death...actually I'm haunted from watching both my Mom and Dad pass away. I was with them both til the last breath. I keep telling myself that it will get easier but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I've been seeing a psychologist for about 6 months now and I think that helps some. But I think that's all going to take a long time. My husband thinks I should be through all the grief by now...wants me to get my act together and not be so negative. I'm trying but I'm just not there yet. It's just all so hard...

When I read this I had to finally join this board.

When my husband, who was also my best friend, died 8 years ago I also felt, and sometimes still do feel, tremendous guilt.

Please, let me assure you that you have no reason to feel guilty and these intense emotions will diminish with time. If you ever need to read something you might want to try 'Closer to the Light' by Melvin Morse, M.D.
It is an older book but very comforting. I have given it to several people who have had loved ones die. I believe you can get it used on Amazon for about a $1.00 plus shipping.

And, at my husbands funeral we had a board that people signed. One of his good friends wrote "Love you bro, see you soon".
Truer words could not have been written.

My mom died of ovarian cancer on September 11th. I'm still reeling. All I can tell you is that I understand what you're going through to the letter. The last images of my mother are horror movie level. Now I'm scared for my own health, missing her terribly, and a general MESS. I've never been a "Life sucks" kind of person, always very upbeat and optimistic; this takes a lot out of you, I tell you that.

Amen to that sister. How are you doing now? It's been 15 days for me since I lost my mom and 14 days for you. Going back to work is helping a little but the nights are the worst and anytime I am alone. I just scream and cry so hard and loud I make myself sick. I still can't believe she is gone and I'll never hear her voice again. I know I'll see her again in 20-30-40 years but right now that doesn't help because I want her NOW!

I lost my mom 04/21/2006 cant get past how "in Denial" i was. Care flighted after car accident ( her no loving husband of 30 years driving broken rib only)
2 emergency surgeries 10 hours and then pronounced.i now am full of anger-i am alone my best friend gone, and now he (stepfather)needs to move on with a woman- im bitter this is effecting all my life-left my husband- moved 3 kids and grandchild to a different home i cannot find peace i cannot face the loss- still havent been to grave is that bad???? are there others who are as inside out as me right now? my "harmony" with this world is lost

I do not want to beg but Please anyone with wisdom i pride my self on strenght. this was a blow to low for me

Robin,

I lost my mom August 18, 2005. She was 69 y.o. and my best friend. Tomorrow I am going to a hospice memorial that celebrates the lives of people that have passed. I am a little concerned because I know I am going to break down and cry.

I can feel your pain because I still miss her so much. She had heart problems and she was given the choice to come home to die. She came to my house because I have a big living room we converted to her room w/all of her supplies. I have a father, 1 brother and 3 sisters and we all took care of her. For the first three days we talked and we laughed and on the fourth day she slept and on the fifth day she passed.

It sounds to me like you were/are a wonderful daughter and she loved you very much. You did everything you could to help her and comfort her. If she could have talked to you she would have told you what a great daughter you are and how much she loves you.

I feel blessed to have had such a great mom in my life. I couldn't have picked a better one.

Take care and be gentle with yourself. Grieving takes time

Judy

Hiya,
I lost my mum 3wks ago and i too feel guilt.
I did everything I could to care for her in her last months and 2wks before she died mums doctor had a meeting with me and my family, telling us that mum only has a couple of days left and that she needs to feel that its ok to go, he encouraged us to help mum feel at ease and to reassure her that we will cope without her.
I went in to mums hospice room, reeling from what the doc had just told us, burst into tears and begged her to stay. She struggled on for 2 more weeks of pain and I wonder if that was because I didnt reassure her that i would be ok.
I know that most people suffer with feeling some sort of guilt after losing a loved one and I hope it passes quickly, because it really is a horrible feeling.

Robin and all who've posted,

My mom died just over a month ago on Aug, 27. She was only 69 and her illness came on very quickly. She was a smoker, who quit 5 years ago, but she had developed emphasima. She had a regular lung doctor, and her x-rays were always OK, so her passing so quickly - (she was in the hospital for 2 weeks) was quite a shock to us all.
I too think of all the places we went together - shopping,lunch,casino etc.... After all - we were just doing these things in July.
I reluctantly returned to work on only 1 1/2 weeks later, but it actually helped keep my mind busy during the day. I think it would have been worse to be around the house, just 'thinking' all day long.
My mom lived down the street, so even the neigborhood was depressing - it still is, and I have my dad still - so I'm at the house often, and yes it's VERY difficult. I honestly don't know how he does it. He still works at 72, and I think this helps him also.
I am lucky that I don't feel alot of guilt - I did alot with her, since she was so close by, and even thought I didn't want her to leave, we did have a DNR order, as her lungs would never be able to function without a ventilator.
I do know how painful this is, and I assure you all - there is nothing to feel guilty about - our mom's are in a better place,without pain and suffering.

I also can't believe she's gone, and expect her to be home when I drive by - but then I remember she's gone - it will take time, I'm sure.

Mary

My heart goes out to all of you. I lost my mother almost 10 years ago to cancer. She was 39. You cannot feel guilty and live with regrets. You did what you needed to do, what the Doctors told you needed to be done. My mother got sick on Thanksgiving in 1996. She continued to have problems and ended up having a stroke. She was in the hospital from the day after Thanksgiving until the day she died which was January 16, 1997. We were not getting answers and things continued to go wrong with her. It wasn't until her autopsy that we discovered she has cervical cancer. I was 21 years old and watching my mother die and had no idea why. Nothing showed up on the tests. It was awful. At one point I was almost yelling at her to knock it off and get better for the sake of my brother who was only 14. I was so confused since nothing was showing up on the tests, and a nurse even told me that she thought my mom could "snap out of it" if she really wanted to. After being told that I started to treat my mom differently for a few days until the Doctors discovered some bleeding in her brain that couldn't be controlled. It was a mess. I ultimately had to make the decision to stop treatment and let what was going to happen, happen. I had regrets for a while, but then realized that my mom loved me and knew I only did what I thought was the right thing. Like I said, it has been almost 10 years and I still miss her like crazy. I miss her smile, her laugh, and just being able to talk to her...but I know that she is with me every minute of everyday! She is my guardian angel!

Hi, Robin here again.

thanks for all who have written. It has been 25 days now since she passed. Going back to work has helped but it has been truly shocking how people just don't think it's a very big deal that my Mom is gone. I've been asked questions like "So, are you having fun cleaning out her house?" Um, excuse me, but I can't even go to her house, much less start even thinking about cleaning it out. Her house is exactly the way it was the day she left to go to the doctor which then he put her in the hospital. I've been there once for 15 minutes and I ran out crying. How can people be so callous? Her coffee pot still has coffee in it for God's sake. Her toothbrush is still laying on her bathroom sink!

I know people are just acting the only way they know because most of them are alot younger than me (I'm 40) and they haven't lost a parent yet. I don't wish it on anyone but I do wish they would just maybe give me some words of encouragement.

This has had a profound impact on me and I will never be the same. Some days are okay but most are bad. I still can't believe she's really gone. If I just hid out at my desk at work and bury myself at home on the weekends I don't think about it as much. But I have to eventually go to her house and that's what I'm having trouble dealing with. All holidays were spent there. I grew up there. I see my Mom in every corner of the house in my mind and I just start wailing.

I'm sorry for so much depressing stuff I'm writing. It is an outlet though and I again thank EVERYONE here for such kind words and for those of you also suffering you have my prayers.

One more thing I forgot to add. I always spent Saturdays with Mom and sometimes when the weather was bad she would tell me to call and ring her phone once to let her know I made it home okay. She died at 7:30 Sunday, September 10th. My phone rang ONCE at 11:08 that same night. I feel like she called to let ME know she made it home okay. Chills? Me too. But I believe.

Hiya,

It's good that you have gone back to work and you are keeping busy.
I've been sick in bed all week with flu and off from Uni and I've been having a bad week...crying all the time because I'm missing mum.

I think that people just cant ever imagine losing their mum let alone trying imagine how they would actually feel if their mum was gone. I know I felt like that before my mum passed. I didnt realise how bad I was going to feel without her in my life.

I have the dreaded task of clearing out mums house in a few weeks time. One of my brothers still lives there and the week mum died I put all mums clothes away...things like her coat that was hanging up, her shoes by the front door...that kind of thing. Mainly because I thought it would be too difficult for my young brother to keep looking at the things that gave the impression that she had just popped out for a pint of milk.

I cant bear the thought of going all through my mums stuff....It is going to be very difficult, but it has to be done. I know exactly how you feel about touching and moving their things...its awlful.

That is strange about the phonecall...your mum obviously let you know that she is ok.

Odina

im sorry to all those who lost there mother. I cant relate to this topic other than i lost both of my grandmothers with in 3 months..That is the first time I have ever heard my dad cry. As fir ron I think you did the right thing life isnt ment to be spent on by machine and again sorry for you loss:angel:

My mum passed last Thursday 12 October and i can relate to all of the posts that i have just read.

I feel as though i am going to go crazy with grief and am at a total loss as to what to do from day to day!!

I have the funeral to get through first on Friday and I am dreading it as i know that I will totally lose it!!

Why is life so cruel and the loveliest people are always taken first!!!

Take care, Emma

My mum passed last Thursday 12 October and i can relate to all of the posts that i have just read.

I feel as though i am going to go crazy with grief and am at a total loss as to what to do from day to day!!

I have the funeral to get through first on Friday and I am dreading it as i know that I will totally lose it!!

Why is life so cruel and the loveliest people are always taken first!!!

Take care, Emma

My mum passed last Thursday 12 October and i can relate to all of the posts that i have just read.

I feel as though i am going to go crazy with grief and am at a total loss as to what to do from day to day!!

I have the funeral to get through first on Friday and I am dreading it as i know that I will totally lose it!!

Why is life so cruel and the loveliest people are always taken first!!!

Take care, Emma

I just posted a reply on your other one. I am so sorry for your lost. I know this wont make you feel much better but i hate thursday they really suck! We both lost something on a thursday and exactly one week a part.
Words i am sure cant even expalin what you are going through.
I understand your pain all the way. If you ever wanna chat let me now. We can have our own little support system. Please be kind to yourself and take care, Rebecca