eschultz00
09-18-2006, 05:16 PM
My mom just called me and told me my Grandmother (fathers mom) is in the end stage of her Alzheimer's and will die within the next few weeks. She is located in North Carolina and my parents are in California. My mom also told me that they will wait till the funeral and that my dad wouldnt be seeing her before then. This made me upset because I thought and told my Mom "If you were dying from whatever, natural causes or cancer or Alzheimer's it wouldn't matter I would still go see you." I understand she may not remember him, but to see her one last time before passing would be a MUST in my book. My dad says that he's not seeing her before passing because he has too many good memories of her and he wouldn't want to see her that way... Now, what I automatically thought was "So your saying that because you had good memories of your mother you can't go see her like this, but.. what is the alternative that would make you wanna see her then? You sure as hell wouldn't wanna go see her if you had bad memories, so which is it?" I just can't seem to understand his logic, I don't see how seeing and touching his mom for the last time EVER wouldn't give him some sort of closure. Also keep in mind he hasnt really "spoken" with his mom for about 6 or 7 years and when he did see her when he came down for his fathers funeral she thought he was her husband, whom just died. So.... my big question to everyone out there is:
. Would you go see your dying parent one last time, no matter what the
situation may be?
. Would you be upset with your mom or dad for not seeing theyre loved ones?
. Has anyone ever experienced a loved one either dying with or has really bad Alzheimer's suddenly
remembering you or someone they knew?
. Do Alzheimer's patients remember everything but can't get it out? Could my grandmother seek closure for
HERSELF by seeing my Dad? and he doesn't realize it?
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Any responses are greatly appreciated and thanks to anyone who does
. Would you go see your dying parent one last time, no matter what the
situation may be?
. Would you be upset with your mom or dad for not seeing theyre loved ones?
. Has anyone ever experienced a loved one either dying with or has really bad Alzheimer's suddenly
remembering you or someone they knew?
. Do Alzheimer's patients remember everything but can't get it out? Could my grandmother seek closure for
HERSELF by seeing my Dad? and he doesn't realize it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any responses are greatly appreciated and thanks to anyone who does
Sponsor
Martha H
09-18-2006, 05:32 PM
my big question to everyone out there is:
. Would you go see your dying parent one last time, no matter what the
situation may be?
. Would you be upset with your mom or dad for not seeing theyre loved ones?
. Has anyone ever experienced a loved one either dying with or has really bad Alzheimer's suddenly
remembering you or someone they knew?
. Do Alzheimer's patients remember everything but can't get it out? Could my grandmother seek closure for
HERSELF by seeing my Dad? and he doesn't realize it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any responses are greatly appreciated and thanks to anyone who does
Dear Friend,
I would go; nothing could keep me away from my Mom. She is in a nursing home for Demetia, and it is a long flight away from me (I have to take a local flight to a big city and from there fly to New York, and then take a subway and then a railroad.) I go every 3 months or so.
She does not know me when I speak on the phone, but when I get there and we talk, she senses something familiar about me and accepts that I am her daughter.
Many people are afraid of Azheimer's and even more afraid of death and dying. Often these irrational fears keep them away. I had relatives who stayed away from the funeral of my Dad although they were his brother and sister in law. "We don't do funerals," they announced. They are both gone now and we did not go to their funerals either. Sad!
I hope you can persuade your Dad to go. I understand why this upsets you.
I don't know if the person can suddenly regain his memory, but I do think he will feel the love and know it is someone who meant much to him in the past.
I hope your dad reconsiders, or talks out his fears with a therapist ... he will be stronger for it, if he can get himself to do it.
Love,
Martha
. Would you go see your dying parent one last time, no matter what the
situation may be?
. Would you be upset with your mom or dad for not seeing theyre loved ones?
. Has anyone ever experienced a loved one either dying with or has really bad Alzheimer's suddenly
remembering you or someone they knew?
. Do Alzheimer's patients remember everything but can't get it out? Could my grandmother seek closure for
HERSELF by seeing my Dad? and he doesn't realize it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any responses are greatly appreciated and thanks to anyone who does
Dear Friend,
I would go; nothing could keep me away from my Mom. She is in a nursing home for Demetia, and it is a long flight away from me (I have to take a local flight to a big city and from there fly to New York, and then take a subway and then a railroad.) I go every 3 months or so.
She does not know me when I speak on the phone, but when I get there and we talk, she senses something familiar about me and accepts that I am her daughter.
Many people are afraid of Azheimer's and even more afraid of death and dying. Often these irrational fears keep them away. I had relatives who stayed away from the funeral of my Dad although they were his brother and sister in law. "We don't do funerals," they announced. They are both gone now and we did not go to their funerals either. Sad!
I hope you can persuade your Dad to go. I understand why this upsets you.
I don't know if the person can suddenly regain his memory, but I do think he will feel the love and know it is someone who meant much to him in the past.
I hope your dad reconsiders, or talks out his fears with a therapist ... he will be stronger for it, if he can get himself to do it.
Love,
Martha
LuvMyLilDoggie
09-18-2006, 07:47 PM
I've had experience with dying AD relatives and I've had the unfortunate experience of losing two brothers and I'm losing a sister to lung cancer. One of my brothers died a sudden death but my other brother died of throat cancer that went to his lungs. I was hesitant to visit my brother who lived several states away from me. I didn't go see him right away and I really wasn't sure why. I used the excuse that I needed to have work done on my car. But it wasn't until my brother's funeral that I realized the REAL reasons I didn't go see him sooner.
I did go see my brother before he died and now I'm glad I did. But at the time, I was a mess. My brother and I hadn't spoken really except for once since my mom had died. He had a very different lifestyle than I and we really didn't have much in common. But at his funeral, I broke down and I almost wound up in the hospital myself. That was when I realized that all that I had hoped for in my brother's and my relationship didn't happen and was never going to happen. This was it. It was final, even before he died (he was in a coma when I found out he had cancer). My brother and I would never have the chance to recover those years that were lost before he died. And then the guilt flooded in. We live life and tend not to think much in years. But as we grow older, it seems the years go by much faster and pretty soon, someone faces death. What I realized at my brother's funeral was that my feelings of guilt kept me from going to see him. I hadn't spoken to him for several years because I couldn't bear to see him the way he was-sick with severe alcoholism.
If you ask me if I would go see my dad with AD if he were on his deathbed, the answer would be yes. I'd go in a minute. But you see, I don't have any guilt or regrets where my dad is concerned so I guess that's the difference between him and my brother.
When my brother was dying, I cried. I felt tremendous pain and loss and no one knew. In my opinion, your dad should go see his mom. But that's just my opinion. I don't know your dad or what he's feeling but I suspect that deep down, he's in more pain than you can see. Unfortunately, you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Just because he doesn't do what other's think is the right thing to do doesn't mean that he doesn't love his mom and miss her very much. I know you're thinking he has a strange way of showing it. But it's the only way he can cope with it now. I suspect he either does or will have many regrets concerning both his not speaking to his mom for so long and his not visiting her before her passing.
Be prepared to see a whole different side of your dad after your grandmother's passing.
I'm not trying to defend your dad but I can kind of understand where he's coming from. And I'll bet he has a LOT of anger at AD and at himself, guilt for not spend more time with your grandmother before she got so ill and who knows what else? Usually in a time like this, one tends to think of the past with all it's greatness and all it's dispair. I'm actually going through that right now with my sister. I hope that I'll be able to go see her before she passes. But now I find myself making excuses not to go again just like with my brother. And the biggest reason this time for not going? I'm TERRIFIED! I don't want there to be a last time I see my sister and if I go there, that may just be what it is-the last time. How selfish is that??? I know it's extremely selfish because my sister must be feeling 1,000 times more terrified than I am. I have to see her. And I will see her God willing before she goes. I'll get over this fear. I hope your dad will too.
Love and big hugs,
Barb
I did go see my brother before he died and now I'm glad I did. But at the time, I was a mess. My brother and I hadn't spoken really except for once since my mom had died. He had a very different lifestyle than I and we really didn't have much in common. But at his funeral, I broke down and I almost wound up in the hospital myself. That was when I realized that all that I had hoped for in my brother's and my relationship didn't happen and was never going to happen. This was it. It was final, even before he died (he was in a coma when I found out he had cancer). My brother and I would never have the chance to recover those years that were lost before he died. And then the guilt flooded in. We live life and tend not to think much in years. But as we grow older, it seems the years go by much faster and pretty soon, someone faces death. What I realized at my brother's funeral was that my feelings of guilt kept me from going to see him. I hadn't spoken to him for several years because I couldn't bear to see him the way he was-sick with severe alcoholism.
If you ask me if I would go see my dad with AD if he were on his deathbed, the answer would be yes. I'd go in a minute. But you see, I don't have any guilt or regrets where my dad is concerned so I guess that's the difference between him and my brother.
When my brother was dying, I cried. I felt tremendous pain and loss and no one knew. In my opinion, your dad should go see his mom. But that's just my opinion. I don't know your dad or what he's feeling but I suspect that deep down, he's in more pain than you can see. Unfortunately, you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Just because he doesn't do what other's think is the right thing to do doesn't mean that he doesn't love his mom and miss her very much. I know you're thinking he has a strange way of showing it. But it's the only way he can cope with it now. I suspect he either does or will have many regrets concerning both his not speaking to his mom for so long and his not visiting her before her passing.
Be prepared to see a whole different side of your dad after your grandmother's passing.
I'm not trying to defend your dad but I can kind of understand where he's coming from. And I'll bet he has a LOT of anger at AD and at himself, guilt for not spend more time with your grandmother before she got so ill and who knows what else? Usually in a time like this, one tends to think of the past with all it's greatness and all it's dispair. I'm actually going through that right now with my sister. I hope that I'll be able to go see her before she passes. But now I find myself making excuses not to go again just like with my brother. And the biggest reason this time for not going? I'm TERRIFIED! I don't want there to be a last time I see my sister and if I go there, that may just be what it is-the last time. How selfish is that??? I know it's extremely selfish because my sister must be feeling 1,000 times more terrified than I am. I have to see her. And I will see her God willing before she goes. I'll get over this fear. I hope your dad will too.
Love and big hugs,
Barb
angel_bear
09-18-2006, 07:50 PM
Well, I hope you don't mind me popping in here, but unfortunately, I'm one of those people from the other side of the fence.
I would rather NOT see anybody I love and care about in those last stages. To have those last pictures as my last memories of them would haunt me forever. It was hard leaving my ex-charges, but I still have fond memories, not imminent death memories ...
My relatives and friends have always died suddenly, and it was only with my ex-charges I was faced with eventually slow death and that was so painful to go through ... knowing no matter what I did, they were still going to die anyway ... and avoidance was and still is my only coping skill.
I'm trying to learn to deal with it, but from my standpoint it's the hardest thing anybody could ask me to do.
I would rather NOT see anybody I love and care about in those last stages. To have those last pictures as my last memories of them would haunt me forever. It was hard leaving my ex-charges, but I still have fond memories, not imminent death memories ...
My relatives and friends have always died suddenly, and it was only with my ex-charges I was faced with eventually slow death and that was so painful to go through ... knowing no matter what I did, they were still going to die anyway ... and avoidance was and still is my only coping skill.
I'm trying to learn to deal with it, but from my standpoint it's the hardest thing anybody could ask me to do.
mamaduck4
09-18-2006, 08:18 PM
How sad not to be able to put bad memories aside and pay your last respects to a loved one. It would tear me apart to not be able to say goodby. I would think it would haunt me the rest of my life. None of us want to die alone. You only have one mother and maybe she wasn't the best, but she is the woman who gave you life. I don't know what happened in their lives that they were not speaking for such a long time but isn't it time to put all that aside and forgive and forget?
I know your dad will always regret it if he chooses not to go. I hope he reconsiders for his sake.
Jan
I know your dad will always regret it if he chooses not to go. I hope he reconsiders for his sake.
Jan
janeslk
09-18-2006, 08:33 PM
It sounds as if she has already died as far as he is concerned--maybe six or seven years ago. The funeral will be the final goodbye. Some people say that the AD patient is a stranger in their loved one's body. It is hard to relate to that stranger. I totally understand your dad's view
Jane
Jane
teapot
09-18-2006, 09:23 PM
If I had a choice to say goodbye over 6-7 years since my Dad had ALZ or have him just die quickly of something else and not get to say goodbye at all, I'd be happy not saying goodbye.
I'm sure your Dad has had a lot of time to work through his grief - and a death bed scene would bring it all up again.
I've heard of some ALZ patients having a few minutes of clarity - one friend told me his Dad hadn't said anything at all for months, and hadn't said anything that made sense for years. Right before he died he opened his eyes, looked puzzled and said "what the h3ll are you people all looking at?" I don't think that happens often.
I was there when my Mom died - but not my Dad. Looking back that was how he would have wanted it. Aside from the emotional issues - let's face it, there are some practical ones. For Mom, I flew out to the hospital, and didn't leave for four days. They told me she could go anytime, or the Dr's would need me close to ask questions so they wanted me close. I slept on a pull out sofa - eventually they put me up in a unused room. At one point they told me she could go on like this for weeks!! I felt so bad for thinking "No, I can't stay here like this - I have to get home to my DH and DD" but it was the truth.
With my Dad I was told 3 times - he's not going to last the day. The first time I flew out and he perked right up, I stayed nearly a week. The second time they told me he had less than 24 hours to live, I was on my way to the airport, called the hospital and he was much better, sitting up having a meal. The third time I was out of the country and couldn't get back - he got better again. He finally died in his sleep - on some level it was his way of getting the last laugh. That's the way I want to go too.
Your Dad could fly accross the country and his Mom could die while he's in route, or he could go there stay three weeks and she could still be hanging in there and he has to go back.
He's doing what's best for him.
I'm sure your Dad has had a lot of time to work through his grief - and a death bed scene would bring it all up again.
I've heard of some ALZ patients having a few minutes of clarity - one friend told me his Dad hadn't said anything at all for months, and hadn't said anything that made sense for years. Right before he died he opened his eyes, looked puzzled and said "what the h3ll are you people all looking at?" I don't think that happens often.
I was there when my Mom died - but not my Dad. Looking back that was how he would have wanted it. Aside from the emotional issues - let's face it, there are some practical ones. For Mom, I flew out to the hospital, and didn't leave for four days. They told me she could go anytime, or the Dr's would need me close to ask questions so they wanted me close. I slept on a pull out sofa - eventually they put me up in a unused room. At one point they told me she could go on like this for weeks!! I felt so bad for thinking "No, I can't stay here like this - I have to get home to my DH and DD" but it was the truth.
With my Dad I was told 3 times - he's not going to last the day. The first time I flew out and he perked right up, I stayed nearly a week. The second time they told me he had less than 24 hours to live, I was on my way to the airport, called the hospital and he was much better, sitting up having a meal. The third time I was out of the country and couldn't get back - he got better again. He finally died in his sleep - on some level it was his way of getting the last laugh. That's the way I want to go too.
Your Dad could fly accross the country and his Mom could die while he's in route, or he could go there stay three weeks and she could still be hanging in there and he has to go back.
He's doing what's best for him.
Martha H
09-18-2006, 09:58 PM
I have regrets about not seeing my father alive once more. He got sick on Dec 6, 1977. I was in Germany with 2 kids and a new baby. I planned a trip for January 1. He died Dec 31. I felt guilty about it for years. Like Barb, I had also had conflicts with him and the last time I had seen him he was angry when I left. It was bad not to be able to make all those things right before he went.
However, with time it has all very much receded into the realm of unimportant. I know he loved me, and he knew I loved him. He had problems getting along with my husband. Most of my family did, and it wasn't until we separated 6 years ago that I rediscovered my brother. My Mom was able to be nice to everyone whether she liked them or not. She visited us in Europe, Dad never came, brother and SIL never came, sister came once only (in 30 years!) I saw them on trips to NY. No one ever told me they couldn't stand my husband. Until later.
The deathbed is probably a bad place to reconcile, but if it's the last chance, it should be done.
I remember people who passed away as they were in their prime, not as they looked just before dying. My sister's husband's sister who died at 51 looked so strange on her deathbed that she was hardly recongnizable, and I still remember her as she was about 25 years earlier, young, dynamic and laughing. I think in the life to come we will all be like that ... the last days of this life don't have to color our memories...
Love,
Martha
However, with time it has all very much receded into the realm of unimportant. I know he loved me, and he knew I loved him. He had problems getting along with my husband. Most of my family did, and it wasn't until we separated 6 years ago that I rediscovered my brother. My Mom was able to be nice to everyone whether she liked them or not. She visited us in Europe, Dad never came, brother and SIL never came, sister came once only (in 30 years!) I saw them on trips to NY. No one ever told me they couldn't stand my husband. Until later.
The deathbed is probably a bad place to reconcile, but if it's the last chance, it should be done.
I remember people who passed away as they were in their prime, not as they looked just before dying. My sister's husband's sister who died at 51 looked so strange on her deathbed that she was hardly recongnizable, and I still remember her as she was about 25 years earlier, young, dynamic and laughing. I think in the life to come we will all be like that ... the last days of this life don't have to color our memories...
Love,
Martha
Raffeer
09-18-2006, 11:43 PM
I agree with your Dad but what I think, or what you think, is really not relevant. It's your Dad's decision. A tough one to make but it is HIS to make.
My husband has dementia and is in a residential facility. I visit him daily but he doesn't know my name or for that matter, his own. I realize my visits are for me not for him. Daily visits are MY way of handling this nightmare.
I don't think anyone of us has the right to tell someone else how to cope with this situation. If your Dad has made his decision, as he apparently has, please support him. He does not need criticism now no matter how well meaning.
Raffeer
My husband has dementia and is in a residential facility. I visit him daily but he doesn't know my name or for that matter, his own. I realize my visits are for me not for him. Daily visits are MY way of handling this nightmare.
I don't think anyone of us has the right to tell someone else how to cope with this situation. If your Dad has made his decision, as he apparently has, please support him. He does not need criticism now no matter how well meaning.
Raffeer
angel_bear
09-19-2006, 07:11 AM
I think that's what I meant .. Raeffer just said it better ....
I had said my goodbyes .... no regrets ....
But on the other hand .. that was me.
Now my husband on the other hand ... has no intentions of travelling 1000km to see his mother before she passes on .. why? Family feuding is a big factor unfortunately. He believes he has said Goodbye ... but I don't know .. I think when it happens he will have regrets, but it's not my place to push him nor hinder him (the family feud is directed at me, not him). But it's still not my place to make the visit happen. Only he can make that decision and live with it.
I know when we left our last residence (to move .. quickly) we said our goodbyes to his father .. his FATHER knew it would be the last time we saw each other .. I know I cried buckets leaving .. but we had no choice .. we had to GO .. timing was awful .... we came back 18 days later for his funeral .. that was horrible but inevitable.
But in that same breath, I knew where he was he was safe. I knew his wife was safe. That was my job .. to get them safe and looked after properly. No half measures .. no 'just' coping .. to be cared for PROPERLY .. it's a shame my husbands Dad gave up when he knew we were leaving (he knew what he was being left with and figured it was time to go? Sorry .. bad family joke)
Do I want to see my ex-charge again? No. There has been so much damage done in such a short time, so much heartache I CAN'T DO THAT AGAIN .. I said Goodbye knowing I will never see her again. I get snippets of information back through back channels on how she is, and I have to live with that.
I fear death. I know I do. I fear my own death, but at the same time I anticipate my own death because I truly believe I will see my loved ones who have passed and I believe I have done no wrong .. I live for THAT time, not for their passing over.
I finally saw my first deceased body a few months ago. It was weird. I didn't know what to expect, and I felt quite peculiar afterwards ... I don't want to see my loved one like that .. empty .. gone .. a shell ...
Of course, and again, we must enforce .. that these are our personal opinions. I know my loved ones will not be alone at their passing .. my ex-charge had the 'other' son with him .. my Dad had my Mum, Mum will have my brother, although she knows how I am, and accepts that I cannot come to her to say Goodbye .. we say Goodbye at every phone call .. we both know that and she doesn't ask for anything else ... my ex-charge MIL is no longer lucid enough to remember us .. for her there is no loss, but again, her son will be there or not far and she has a bunch of carers (and I know the staff where she is) who know she's important to ME and will be with her ..
Nobody deserves to die alone .. I agree .. but there is almost always somebody around .. I know I have been there for some, but they have chosen not to pass until I leave (phew .. avoidance again)
Sorry if I'm rambling, but I don't want people to get the impression that I am a hard-hearted cow who doesn't care .. I just simply can't deal with watching somebody leave me like that ... those who know me accept this as being a part of me.
Hugs
(sobbing now)
Sally
I had said my goodbyes .... no regrets ....
But on the other hand .. that was me.
Now my husband on the other hand ... has no intentions of travelling 1000km to see his mother before she passes on .. why? Family feuding is a big factor unfortunately. He believes he has said Goodbye ... but I don't know .. I think when it happens he will have regrets, but it's not my place to push him nor hinder him (the family feud is directed at me, not him). But it's still not my place to make the visit happen. Only he can make that decision and live with it.
I know when we left our last residence (to move .. quickly) we said our goodbyes to his father .. his FATHER knew it would be the last time we saw each other .. I know I cried buckets leaving .. but we had no choice .. we had to GO .. timing was awful .... we came back 18 days later for his funeral .. that was horrible but inevitable.
But in that same breath, I knew where he was he was safe. I knew his wife was safe. That was my job .. to get them safe and looked after properly. No half measures .. no 'just' coping .. to be cared for PROPERLY .. it's a shame my husbands Dad gave up when he knew we were leaving (he knew what he was being left with and figured it was time to go? Sorry .. bad family joke)
Do I want to see my ex-charge again? No. There has been so much damage done in such a short time, so much heartache I CAN'T DO THAT AGAIN .. I said Goodbye knowing I will never see her again. I get snippets of information back through back channels on how she is, and I have to live with that.
I fear death. I know I do. I fear my own death, but at the same time I anticipate my own death because I truly believe I will see my loved ones who have passed and I believe I have done no wrong .. I live for THAT time, not for their passing over.
I finally saw my first deceased body a few months ago. It was weird. I didn't know what to expect, and I felt quite peculiar afterwards ... I don't want to see my loved one like that .. empty .. gone .. a shell ...
Of course, and again, we must enforce .. that these are our personal opinions. I know my loved ones will not be alone at their passing .. my ex-charge had the 'other' son with him .. my Dad had my Mum, Mum will have my brother, although she knows how I am, and accepts that I cannot come to her to say Goodbye .. we say Goodbye at every phone call .. we both know that and she doesn't ask for anything else ... my ex-charge MIL is no longer lucid enough to remember us .. for her there is no loss, but again, her son will be there or not far and she has a bunch of carers (and I know the staff where she is) who know she's important to ME and will be with her ..
Nobody deserves to die alone .. I agree .. but there is almost always somebody around .. I know I have been there for some, but they have chosen not to pass until I leave (phew .. avoidance again)
Sorry if I'm rambling, but I don't want people to get the impression that I am a hard-hearted cow who doesn't care .. I just simply can't deal with watching somebody leave me like that ... those who know me accept this as being a part of me.
Hugs
(sobbing now)
Sally
needtoescape
09-19-2006, 11:54 AM
I would print the messages here and share them with your dad - and I would offer to go with him to visit if he changed his mind - but I would support him in whatever he decided. I would share that I was concerned that he would regret it if he didn't go - but I wouldn't put any "guilt" on him if he doesn't change his mind. Just love him. Don't judge his method of coping. N2E
LuvMyLilDoggie
09-19-2006, 07:46 PM
My sister who is dying of lung cancer called me last night and said that I've been avoiding the issue and pretending she doesn't have cancer. I haven't been pretending but I have been avoiding. I'm ashamed of this and wish I could deal with her impending death. I feel guilty as h***! But the fact of the matter is I cannot visit my sister just yet. I really wish I could but I can't. I know that if she passes before I see her, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. So I may soon try to force myself to go there. I want to see her and I miss her terribly. She lives 800 miles from me so it's not like I can just go there for a few hours at a time. I'm so conflicted.
Just another reason I can relate to why your dad may not want to see your grandma. It's so overwheming for some of us....
Love, Barb
Just another reason I can relate to why your dad may not want to see your grandma. It's so overwheming for some of us....
Love, Barb
eschultz00
09-19-2006, 09:56 PM
WOW!.... Thanks so much to everyone that responded so far!.... I just logged in and am reading these replies and seeing these different points of view and it's so nice to be able to NOW look at this situation in a different light. I told my mom over the phone to tell my dad I was upset with him for not going and now I need to let him know it's okay and theres no tension with me, my parents and I barely see each other anymore so it's probably double worse when you hear your kid's upset with you AND your mom is dying!! So thank you again for the awesome insight everyone has given so far. Im gonna let this thread go for a day or two then I will send my dad the link to this thread, I'm sure there is a lot he could relate to or take from everyone, maybe he'll see things differently as well... maybe :)
and to all the people who posted replies that have gone or are going through your own personal struggles with death.. my heart goes out to you.
and to all the people who posted replies that have gone or are going through your own personal struggles with death.. my heart goes out to you.
LuvMyLilDoggie
09-21-2006, 09:06 PM
Dear E,
You don't know how much I appreciate you starting this thread. It's really helping me to begin to face my sister's cancer.
There are differing views here but the common denominator seems to be the same. Your dad has to deal with this in his own way. Only he knows how he feels about it and how much he can cope with.
I'm glad that you've decided to respect his decision either way. It shows that you are of strong character and have an open mind and a kind heart.
God Bless you and your family in this difficult time.
Love, Barb
You don't know how much I appreciate you starting this thread. It's really helping me to begin to face my sister's cancer.
There are differing views here but the common denominator seems to be the same. Your dad has to deal with this in his own way. Only he knows how he feels about it and how much he can cope with.
I'm glad that you've decided to respect his decision either way. It shows that you are of strong character and have an open mind and a kind heart.
God Bless you and your family in this difficult time.
Love, Barb
ronilynn
09-23-2006, 04:16 AM
My father died several years ago after a long illness due to Parkinson's. One of my brothers refused to see him toward the very end and didn't come home until his funeral. Currently my mother is going into the final stages of Alzheimer's and again this same brother refuses to come see her. My other brother feels a great deal of resentment toward the brother that won't come because he feels it leaves the burden on us. I have a different take on it.
I know my brother loves our Mother and deeply loved our Father. But for him, it is simply too hard to see them at this final stage. We each have to do what is best for us. I am a nurse and for me I have to not just be there but to care for them to meet my own needs as well as theirs. Even though my Mother doesn't know me anymore, I feel that she can tell I love her and she benefits from my presence and touch. For my brother, he is so uncomfortable, I think it might scare her and definitely wouldn't be comforting to her.
While you might encourage your father to see his Mother, try to accept that we are all different. How we each need to grieve and deal with dying is somewhat different too. Try to just accept he is doing what he feels he needs to do. Inside his Mother knows how he feels about her.
I know my brother loves our Mother and deeply loved our Father. But for him, it is simply too hard to see them at this final stage. We each have to do what is best for us. I am a nurse and for me I have to not just be there but to care for them to meet my own needs as well as theirs. Even though my Mother doesn't know me anymore, I feel that she can tell I love her and she benefits from my presence and touch. For my brother, he is so uncomfortable, I think it might scare her and definitely wouldn't be comforting to her.
While you might encourage your father to see his Mother, try to accept that we are all different. How we each need to grieve and deal with dying is somewhat different too. Try to just accept he is doing what he feels he needs to do. Inside his Mother knows how he feels about her.