Hi, All

I'm a new member to these boards, and I'm getting pretty desperate for some assistance.

I'm probably mid-way through menopause (e.g. skip 3 periods, have one, skip two, LMP 146 days ago). My libido is non-existant, and I'm finding it very difficult. My OH is very understanding, but it's got to the stage where I feel so guilty that I go to bed ahead of him, get up ahead of him, etc - anything to avoid having to say no. Last attempt was about 2 months ago.

I have the usual dryness, etc., and on the rare occasions we do make love, I end up swollen and walking with a limp! (OH extremely well endowed, which doesn't help). We use lubricants, and I've tried vaginal oestrogen cream prescribed by GP, but this didn't seem to help. As we have a family history of breast cancer, I'm naturally reluctant to use HRT, and so I'm at the end of my tether. My sex drive used to be pretty average, I think, but I really do feel that the (near)absence of sex may put my marriage at risk. (I have to say, OH has given no indication of this at all - it's me worrying about 'depriving' him).

Any ideas?

If it were me (and one day it will be) I would go to the doctor and see if there is anything else to help me besides HRT. If there wasn't, then I would have a heart to heart talk with my hubby. I would explain my situation and ask if there was another way I could please him. Luckily your husband does not seem the demanding type and for all you know he might be grateful that he no longer has to perform. I have read that men's libidos lower with age too.
Once you have had the heart to heart talk, you can cuddle, hold hands, and go to bed anytime you want. I hope this helps.:)

I'm with Belle, especially on the communication part. Maybe you already have talked about it, but if not, I'd be willing to bet that your husband is feeling rejected and that you are less interested in him (rather than the sex). There are other ways you can have sexual intimacy and please your husband rather than intercourse. This may be an opportunity for you both to explore something else in this new phase of your lives.

Purple Fan,

In addition to the excellent responses above, may I suggest that vaginal estrogen cream takes a while to work. When I became so dried out that I felt like I was being ripped apart during intercourse, I started using the vaginal cream. It took several weeks for it to rebuild the tissues so that they could produce natural lubrication. You don't say how long you used it, but it may be that you just need to give it a bit more time.

Of course, as the ladies above said, there are lots of other ways to share intimacy and please each other.

--Rheanna

Thanks, all, for your responses.

Yes, we have had many a heart-to-heart on this. My OH is wonderful, and puts no pressure on me at all (although I know his own sex drive is not reduced). You're right, of course, that there are ways other than penetrative sex - but my problem is, I have absolutely no inclination towards any sex of any sort - and my OH and I both feel the interest should be reciprocal otherwise it's an act of physical relief alone.

I did try oestrogen cream for around 3 months, to no real avail, and I have spoken to my GP about alternatives to HRT, with no real success (and I have a brilliant, female GP).

Sorry if I sound so negative - I just feel like bursting into tears and writing myself off as a woman. I don't want a sex-free marriage any more than my OH does, and although he reassures me otherwise, I guess my anxiety gets the better of me and I worry about him seeking solace elsewhere. (I've never had any reason to suspect anything of the sort - but I just can't help feeling I'm letting him down).

Purple Fan,
I was SO relieved someone was feeling the same. It's as if I'm in mourning over the loss of my libido - certainly because sex has always been a fantastic, much desired part of my marriage. Now I cry over not having sexual thoughts, emotions, physical responses to my very patient husband. I want it back! I read everything I could find and it was very discouraging, but the worst was the female doctor who told me, "Get used to it; it won't ever be like when you were young." I had already started HRT 3 months ago chiefly due to lack of sexual desire (family doctor, male, told me it might help in addition to stopping flashes). I was opposed to HRT, but he put me on lowest dose and it did stop flashes, helped dryness, but not loss of libido. Here is the good news: the more you have sex, in spite of lack of desire, the easier it is to keep having sex AND if you stop having intercourse, your vaginal muscles will atrophy (very unpleasant). Let your emotional love take over as you physically make love and gradually you can respond (in addition to the other suggestions on the board, of course!). DO NOT stop having sex! How long would you have agreed to his never wanting sex before? You're in a committed relationship - he's not using you. And it can certainly cause you both to withdraw from each other if you stop being physical. I am just working through this sadly but hopefully. I have been told it DOES get better!

Purple Fan:
I almost feel like I'm butting in, but feel compelled to input more since you seem to still be struggling with this issue. My sex drive has certainly wained since I started getting peri symptoms. I didn't even really realize it for a while. I'm lucky though, in that I haven't had the dryness problem.

In an ideal world, each time we make love both partners should be pleased. But in reality, that's just not going to happen. In my opinion, a part of sex is a physical release. Probably more so for men. Maybe you two should reconsider the alternate methods as previously suggested. In every relationship I've ever had with a man, they have always wanted more sex than me. We always worked out our own little method of taking care of that whether it was intercourse or something else, always with the understanding that this was for him. Occasionally, my husband will want a "quickie", usually in the morning, which is my least favorite time for lovemaking. He will ask for it (after a little cuddling). It is still intimate and I do it because I love him and it makes me feel good that he desires me.

If you take sex out of your marriage and don't replace it with some form of intimacy, neither of you will be happy long term. Talk to your Dr. more about the dryness and pain issue. (Sounds like you have a good relationship - I'm sure she'd be willing to help you try different remedies.) I actually am taking bioidentical hormones which includes a small amount of testosterone, which is something else you may be missing.

Be open to finding a solution that may be quite different than going back to the way things were. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband and can talk about what you're going through.