I realized after struggling with my weight all my life that even when I lost it I still didn't stop dealing with the emotions and the problems. By the time I was a sophmore in High School I Was 295 pounds...that's where I peaked...I fluctuated for the next four years and then with the help of my college councelor, the school nurse, and an eating disorder specialist I began to slowly lose the weight and discover some truths about myself...I came out of the closet as a gay man and started to see myself as someone who could attract other people rather than being just the nice fat kid. Over the next four years I would go from 295 to 170. I began to stop focusing on everything else and was obsessed with my looks and my weight. I was happier for awhile and much healthier but I still had some insecurities. I would go out with very physically attractive men to make me feel better and instead I only felt more insecure. Time went on and I finally met the man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with...he's honest, caring and gives me the support I need. My problem is that since I have been with him I still find myself binging and trying to convince myself that the weight I am gaining is alright because I have someone who loves me for who I am...what I am noticing though is that I still don't love myself enough to stop binging and start taking control over my life...I don't weigh myself anymore but all my clothes are so tight and I feel very scared that I am going to put myself back in the same position I was in over five years ago. Everyone will always tell you how great it feels to lose weight but where does the obseesion stop...I have spent my childhood years getting fat and my early adulthood getting thin and when I finally reached my so-called "goal weight" I didn't know where to go next since looking "thin" and "good" was all I ever tried to do and was all I knew. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, my body is so stretched out from my weight loss and I was told by medical professionals that the only way to get rid of the excess skin was through surgery. I want to end this obsession with food and my appearance. Is it possible? I believe I know what is healthy for me since I have been researching it most of my life and yet I still will take a bunch of cash and go to the store and buy anything that is sweet and unhealthy and binge until I have to lie down and I can barely breathe. My boyfriend is still a strong support but it's very easy for me to keep on doing this because he tells me he loves me no matter what. The problem is I don't love myself and I don't think I know how to start? I know that if I could have only accepted myself at 295 then maybe when I reached 170 it wouldn't have been so big of a deal. I just want to feel sane...feel healthy and feel attractive to ME! I have great respect for the struggles women have had with this issue for ages and yet I feel alone here because as a man I find less people I can turn to who are also male and struggling with their weight. If anyone (male or female) would respond to this posting with any ounce of advise for someone like myself I would be very grateful. I apologize for such a long introduction to the page but if you met me in person you would find out that I can be pretty talkative in person as well. Thanks again for any support or encouragement you can provide.

Peeka Boo

Hi Peeka-Boo,

I just wanted to say "welcome" and that I am glad you're here! Even though, in reading your post I know we have many differences, I feel the same way you do about a lot of things! I'm not a gay man, I'm a 21 year old girl (well, I guess woman, but I feel so young!), but I know how it feels to be obsessed with both food and appearance. I think about both of them all the time. I don't know why I am so obsessed with appearance, I am not trying to attract anyone (I am in a relationship, like you!). I have also had a LOT of fluctuation in my weight since I was about 14 or 15. Anyway, in your post I noticed a lot of things that you feel that I feel as well, and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings! Please stick around and post some more; I'm glad you're here! :-D

-LilBear

Hi and welcome to the board... I don't have much advice but I know that I too would like to find a way to love myself (I would even settle for like)the way I am. Seems like that may be the basis of most of our problems...

Rachel

Hey, welcome to the board! One of the reasons I lost weight was because of a guy I was in a relationship with who mentioned I was getting heavier. I realized that he was not worth my starvation. But by then, I had already developed an eating disorder. I am no longer with him, and in any future relationships, I will make sure that the guy I am with accepts my body for what it is. From what you mentioned about your boyfriend, he seems supportive and loving of you. I think this could be a healthy relationship and could teach you to love your body more. If he ever makes a big deal over your weight, then you know he isn't worth it. Try to realize that what your boyfriend loves about you is special and you should learn to love yourself as well. It may take a while, but you will get there.
Emilia

Just a little note to thank all of you who have been posting under my topic...I feel like I have some great support out there that I would like to start to utilize. It's always nice to know other people understand what you are going through. Thanks for your advice and kind words.

Peeka Boo

Hi Peeka Boo,
It sounds like you know yourself pretty well; I think that's a great start to accepting yourself and loving yourself. I know what you mean about trying to convince yourself that the weight is ok since your boyfriend accepts you for who you are (it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship by the way!). I think that it's important to always remember what we want for/from other people, and what we want for/from ourselves. You want your boyfriend to accept and love you -- and he does. For yourself, you want to weigh a bit less and feel better about yourself. You see, you have the first point taken care of, but that doesn't erase the importance of what you want for you.

Binging is a b!#@h. Been there. Do you get much exercise? If you can stay active, even if you do have a bad day where food is concerned, your body is still burning calories. I suppose the hardest thing is to find a happy medium in all this. *sigh* Sometimes I think I'm there, but then I realize that I'm still obsessing even if I'm not acting on it. Have you spoken with your boyfriend about your feelings on all of this? It seems like he will be a great sounding board for you.

I hope you stay on the board with us!

Peeka Boo,
Welcome to the board. Yeah I know what you mean about losing weight not making you feel better after the intial second when you're standing on the scale and realize you've lost(or while you're binging/purging). The emotions don't get better and you keep saying i've got to lose more and more. That takes guts to come out of the closet as being gay, I commend you for that.
I've had times where I was what I call "coasting" and not happy with myself but not starving myself and exercising too much either. I'm really glad that you have your boyfriend.
I'm not saying this is right for you, but I know that I can't be in a relationship unless I feel confident in myself and who I am. In other words when i'm not having a battle with anorexia. You might not need to do that, in fact I know that some people are helped by their relationships. Yours sounds like it might be one of those helpful ones.
I know that therapy helps ALOT and I hope that you'll find a therapist that is right for you. I would try talking bluntly with my boyfriend if I was you and telling him that you have a problem and that his support is great but that you need his help to stop. Eating disorders are about something much deeper than food, so I don't know why it is that you personally don't love yourself b/c the reasons are different for all of us. Again therapy helps a lot with this. I don't mind your long message at all!! I'm sorry about mine! I can be pretty talkative myself! I'm hear anytime to listen.
Lily