I debated for a long time whether or not I should post this. Three days ago was the first time I have purged in well over a year. I did it again the day after and then I got a hold of myself. I realize that I am always the one yapping about the importance of recovery (and therapy if necessary), but this incident of mine only reaffirms my belief that we can all "recover", but we may fight it forever.

As difficult as it is to overcome a drug addiction, at least a drug addict can remove themself from the substance. We cannot remove ourselves from food -- we need it to survive. This is the hardest part, how to face food every day and behave like a "normal" person.

It's funny how after all this time, as I was leaning over the toilet in my bathroom, all the old feelings came flooding back: guilt, anxiety, fear of being discovered, anger, relief, pride, fear of the ED, stubborness, calmness, confusion, acceptance.

My boyfriend yelled up the stairs to see what I was doing; of course I responded "Nothing baby!". Was it nothing? Will I think about it more tomorrow b/c I did it the other day? YES. Yes I will. But I will prevent myself from falling into this trap again. It's funny how it can still try and get you after all this time...

You always offer such great advice and support so I'm sure you probably already know that when you threw up it was just a small set back. If you look at all that you have overcome, (not throwing up in over a year is a great accomplishment!) you should be proud of yourself. My friend Jenuine always says, two steps forward, one step back. Bulimia is like a drug addiction, and it seems like it takes forever to recover. But you are doing well and its good that you got a hold of yourself and realized what you were doing afterwards. Hang in there
Emilia

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Emilia

Tricky,

I think it's great that you posted that. You deserve to gain support from this board as much as anyone else...

We are all human and even though it sounds like you have come a very long way down the road of recovery....we aren't perfect and never will be.. and knowing what is right and what to tell someone else doesn't mean that you will never have a bad day. The important thing is to realize when you do slip and take back control and then continue to move forward (but you know that!) besides, look at me... I know the difference between healthy and dangerous... fat and thin... etc. etc.. but knowing and doing are 2 different things.

Rachel

Thanks for responding guys! I really needed to hear that. It was a really weird experience b/c it made me feel weak,angry, happy, etc all at once. I haven't purged again, but I think about it quite often now. I think that after a few days those thoughts will begin to subside too.

Hey Tricky today after dinner I made myself throw up for the first time in my whole entire like I do not like it and I hope i NEVER do it again. And I hope you don't either. Good Luck!

I agree with Emilia, everyone has bad days. I agree with you too in saying that we may recover but we'll fight it forever.I really commend you for having the courage to stop.
Lily