For starters, I don't know why I chose that happy face, since I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Now, please tell me I am not the only one who sometimes does not believe their eyes. What I mean by that, is do you ever not trust your own mirror? Or maybe sometimes what you see in it is not what everyone else claims to see when they look at you? Sometimes when I look down at myself, I feel alright, but then when I see a reflection, I am huge! A walking, talking blimp.

Anyway, so usually when I go to the mall, or read a magazine, or walk around school, all the other girls looks soooooo skinny. I cannot believe how skinny they look. And then I look in store windows and I see HUGE ME. And it's awful. Sometimes I cannot even stand to look at my reflection. But yesterday, I went to the mall, and I was noticing to myself, "where are all the skinny girls" becuase that's what I usually notice at malls. Maybe I am too superficial, but it is honestly what I notice. Anyway, it seemed like everyone there was NORMAL or maybe even a little fat. And I didn't say anything, because that would have been weird, but then I even noticed some manaquins that looked NORMAL sized! And I was kind of freaking out. Because if all these other girls were normal/fat and even the manaquins were normal sized, then I must be really even more huge than usual. But when I looked in the mirror, i wasnt. I was normal like them. Ok, ok, I admit I still felt kinda fat. But it didn't seem so bad becuase I felt about the same size as everyone else (which I guess if I really think honestly about it, I am about average). Anyway, I have no idea what happened to me.

I weighed myself this morning and I have lost 4 pounds since Saturday. Maybe that is too much.

I wonder what everyone will look like today when I go to class. Will they all be skinnier than me?

I feel so obsessed with appearances. I never thought of myself as superficial, but I guess I really am, even though I don;t like to admit it. Does anyone else ever feel like they are too obsessed with appearance? I am mostly concerned with my weight, but I also notice other peoples weights a lot too. It consumes so much of my thought!

You don't sound superficial to me at all. When I go to class or the mall I notice everyone else's weight in comparison with mine too. That's good that everyone including you looks normal to you. I really think that's a good thing. One deserving of a smiley face anyway. Maybe this means you're starting to realize you're not overweight and that you really aren't sooo much chunkier than everyone else. That everyone else is chunkier than you are!
Lily

Lilbear-
I completely agree with Lily. Seeing others as normal sized is a great reason for a smiley face!!! Looking at other people as judgements of being skinny or not does not make you superficial at all. That is just part of the ED. I do the same thing and it drives me nuts. But i can't seem to help it. BE proud of yourself that you had such a wonderful observation at the mall! :-)

Lilbear, you don't sound superficial at all! I think it's great that you are seeing others as "normal", but...4 lbs since the weekend? Um, I hate to be the wet blanket here, but yes, that is too much.

Much too much.

Are you thinking about leveling out your weight loss now, or are you still trying to lose?

I think its a great thing that your body image is finally becoming more realistic and healthier! You are finally seeing your body for what it is (or getting closer anyway) I have somewhat of a distorted image of my body too, but its a little different. I look in the mirror before I eat and I think, hey I'm pretty slim. Then after I eat, and not even pigging out eating, I look in the mirror and I see fat arms, bulging stomach and fat thighs. I try to ignore it, I don't always look in the mirror anymore. Anyway, my point is, that this is a good thing that you are having a slightly more positive image of yourself! Thats a step toward recovery. take care,
emilia

ok..here's the fact.. in fact.. i'm not fat at all.. just about normal healthy weight zone rite now... ya ya.. i gained only 15 lb... (which seems huge to me thou)

i dont' wanna be skinny skinny gurl... i just wanna be the me i was.... 110lb. with 5' 6"... but.. since i started to put weights.. like u said.. i started to notice.. other gurls.. that i neva eva even noticed before... like.. dman.. she's just so perfect size.. damn.. she looks so nice n lean... damn look at me.. i'm suck a pig... too fat...

i think.. it's a part of psycological thing.. that u only see things better (comparing with urself according to ur mind-set) than u... i mean.. i still do that... belive me.. i've already said.. that i'm only 15 lb. away from what i wish to be.. n i know.. tons ... tons of ppl here would say.. that i'm not fat.. and i can't even compare mah prob with others with real serious conditions... but.. again.. i know.. that it's DA most serious condition for me ...

the only thing i wanna say to u.. is that.. for me.. it is impossible to ignore mah consicouness telling me i'm fat even i'm not... so.. maybe accept the fact.. n try to discipline urself...

oh.. it sounds like little off the topic.. but.. i just wanted to say it out loud =)

Tricky,

I would like to lose more, but then again, I will probably ALWAYS want to lose more. I think though, that if I could start eating normally, and know that I wouldn't gain weight, I might be happy with that. I am afraid, though, to eat like...well, like a normal person (as in 3 times a day, etc.) because I am afraid I will gain weight. This was a crazy weekend though. I might have eaten 300 cal. all 3 days, and I was running around doing stuff all day.

-LilBear

Lilbear,
Your probably right about never wanting to gain weight. I don't think anyone after having an ED ever does want to. 300 calories in three days is not good at all! That's not healthy, try eating small meals all day long that helps.
Lily