Thank you again to all the ladies for your responses to my last message.

Got a call from nurse regarding dad going on seroquel, but it wasn't due to becoming violent or hitting someone with a phone. Yesterday evening they found him in bed with a resident there!

Just when I think I've heard it all...nothing happened apparently, fondling. What the ??? First of all I am stunned at 85 this is even going on; then I wonder how closely are these people being watched? There are only about 14 people in one "house" and I wonder do I go ahead and move him to a place with one floor? (I always liked this place since there are large gardens/patios to walk around). Now I wonder is he getting the right supervision? Is it just part of this disease and lack of judgement?

I am so disgusted and mad right now - at dad - at the facility. I didn't think to ask if the other resident's family would be notified. I am just horrified.

Any thoughts on this newest development? I'm rather at a loss for words - too ashamed to discuss this with my husband.
Anna

Don't be ashamed - I think it's natural in men. My FIL is 87, has congestive heart failure, has had 2 strokes and many TIA's, has bladder cancer and wears a diaper 24/7. He has a girl friend and the last time we took him to his primary care Dr. he asked for viagra. That Dr. told him no way - so he asked the cardiologist, who told him viagra would kill him because he wears a nitro patch. He pulled the patch off in the Dr's office and threw it in the garbage. The Dr. just laughed and told him to put the patch back on - he wasn't getting viagra. He is highly upset and wants to change Dr's. We just shrug our shoulders and tell him we don't know any other Dr's on his plan. He doesn't have a plan book with the Dr's names, so that pretty much has stopped him for now. What we can't figure out is if the girl friend is telling him to get viagra or if he came up with the idea on his own. My husband and I had a good laugh about the whole thing. What else can we do?

Had to step in here .. had to, had to, had to !! LOL :dizzy:

In most of the facilities I have come across over the years, there inevitably ends up being a 'couple' who have gotten together because of communal living. Inevitably, it ends up being a 'relationship', because .. and here's the tough one ..

Sex is part of human nature. Dementia doesn't change that. Just because they're old doesn't mean they're dead and if it feels good, you do it. It's natural and it's not ugly .. remember, they have dementia, which means they have lost most of their inhibitions and CANNOT learn appropriate / inappropriate anymore ...

It doesn't mean Dad has forgotten Mum or is having an affair or anything like that, his dementia has made him simply 'go with the flow' ... and it's the HARDEST thing a family can tolerate (or not tolerate as the case may be) .. they take it personally and really, truly .. it's not his fault, he's not doing it deliberately, he's not doing on purpose, and he's most definately not doing to to pay anybody back. He is no longer in control of himself, which is why he is in a facility!!

If there was nothing wrong with him, he wouldn't be there!!

And now to the ethical / moral dilemma you and the facility find yourselves in. It is against human rights (legally) to withhold the right of a relationship with 2 willing people. Now in the case of cognitive impairment, just because 'NO' may not necessarily mean 'NO' doesnt mean their body language is saying 'Yes" (I've just gone through this battle, which is why I had to jump in here). Of course, this upsets family members, on both sides of the willing parties, and it's THEIR morals and ethics that are upset, not your loved ones. Is anybody being harmed by this relationship? Are both parties willing (either verbally or by body language?).

Fair enough to be upset .. but remember, the staff can't be everywhere at once, and dementia victims can be VERY cunning and FAST when they want something badly enough ...

So what I'm saying is .. in my long winded way .. I understand your upset, and I understand your frustration and anger .. what I am asking you is to put yourself in a position of pure 'freedom' where you could believe you could do anything you like, and then telling yourself you can't do something to make yourself feel good. Your first exclamation would be "I bloody well CAN!"

I suggest you do some major internet searching on "Sexual relationships in Aged Care" and arm yourself with information to go back to the facility with to encourage their participation in what's best for Dad.

Cheers

I'll never forget sitting in the dining room of the Rehab Hospital with my parents. Dad had had a stroke and was there for rehab. Mom and I were there visiting and to help him eat his lunch. Mom & Dad had been marrried over 50 years and Dad was sitting there staring at an older women, a patient there and was saying that she was his new girlfriend! It didn't seem to upset Mom, she knew he had dementia and wasn't himself. Guess we just took it in stride, I know that's hard to do sometimes. Good luck with the couple acting like "teenagers" wow - second childhood or what!!!???

It's not as strange as it may seem. People need love and affection at any age, in any condition, and if they meet a nice person who wants to hold hands, kiss or cuddle or more (not too many CAN!) it's OK. The staff is not responsible for it.

Actually, " men are as rare as hen's teeth" was one of Mom's favorite sayings before she got Dementia - referring to dances at the Senior Center where you either danced with other women or sat most dances out - while the few men were the kings on the hill, regardless of looks and personality.

After all, women outlive men by many years ...

I say, more power to them, may they comfort each other in their last days.

Love,

Martha