Well, this morning I had a scare. I was vacuuming and my legs started to feel a little weak and then they started to tremble..next my hands started to shake. I ate a teaspoon of peanut butter and a big glass of crystal light followed by lots of ice water and I did feel better after resting for awhile. But, I must admit it was scary...that is the first time that has ever happened to me and my calorie intake and exercise routine has been about the same for the past few months.. Also, this happened only an hour or two after I had had a bowl of cereal (bran flakes) which I always eat for bkfst...so it wasn't like I hadn't eaten anything...

Anyhow, I went on with my day after that and was out shopping, doing errands etc.. I needed a "pick me up" so I decided to go through a drive-thru and get a large Diet Coke. I placed my order and then was waiting to pay and pick it up and I started to think...what if they make a mistake or didn't hear me and actually give me a regular Coke instead? would I be able to tell the difference? (I don't drink it that much that I would definetly know)I became very worried about this and "the voice" made me confirm that it was indeed diet when I picked it up. Even after that it bothered me that I still didn't know "for sure" so now I have decided that in the future I will go in so I can see them fill the cup. G-d I drive myself nuts..I really do and I wish I could stop.

(by the way, I do eat "some" I am just not saying how much as I am trying to be respectful of triggering someone)

At the end of the day I usually find myself counting and recounting my daily calorie intake..I constantly am worried that I ate more than I wrote down (which I know isn't true) or that I added wrong (this has never happened so why do I have to exhaust myself worrying about it?)

I am tired of being me...physically but mostly mentally.

Thanks for listening
Rachel

Sweetie, let's be straight with eachother. Are you really suprised that you feel weak in the legs? You know what you are doing to yourself as well as I do because I did it too. The important thing here is not figuring out how to make yourself avoid these little incidents because you won't be able to as long as you are practicing anorexic behavior.

I feel every word you said...about the diet Coke and everything, b/c I have been there. Do you realize where you are? Are you ready to get out of where you are? You said you are tired of it - what are you going to do about it? Persephone, you sound like you may be ready to start making a change. How ready are you?

Tricky,

The truth is that I am scared of what is going on with me but I also tend to convince myself that I having some "eating issues" but not a "real and actual" disorder. The main reason I think this is because while I am at the low end of a normal weight for my height I am not medically considered underweight. It's the way I justify it I guess.

I do want to feel better, be happy and stop the obsession but the problem is I don't want to gain ANY weight back..in fact I still want to lose 3 more pounds. I tell myself that I will be happy when I do that. I even told my husband that when I reach that goal I want chinese food (the one food I have been missing the most). It is possible that I may really be happy with 3 more pounds..isn't it?

Thanks for caring,
Rachel

Hey, I know exactly how you feel! One time I was running and did not eat breakfast first, and almost fainted at the stop light. I got so scared because my vision was clouding in, and getting all black and fuzzy. That never happened to me before, and I could have fainted on the street and gotten run over by a car! I also count all my calories, I write them down on a sheet of paper, and at the end of the day I usually spend like 20 mins just calculating them, its crazy! Not to mention all the time spent before hand planning my meals and calorie intake for the day. It drives me crazy. Once I went to a restaurant, and ordered a diet pepsi-but it didnt taste like diet pepsi. I got so scared because I had like one sip! I made them give me another one, but it tasted the same, so I just threw it out. I can never go out with my friends to a restaurant because I don't know the calorie count...and if I do know the nutritional info for the restaurant, I'm scared they are lying to me, or that they added extra oil. It drives me crazy, and I really wish I could get over all this right now, but I know it takes time. Hang in there, in time everything gets easier! I can eat at some restaurants now, and am a lot better than I used to be.
Emilia

Rachel,
I know what you mean about second guessing yourself about calories. I usually round 5o calories up and then make certain I burn it all off. This is a warning to you b/c I don't want this to happen to you, before I started actually passing out I used to feel weak in my legs and have shaky hands.Have you been going to a therapist and is it helping if you are?
Lily

Lily,

I started with the new therapist last week.. I think I am going to like him but so far all we have done is an initial consultation so way too early to tell... thanks for asking though :-)

Rachel

Persophone,
I am glad to hear that you have found a therapist!! Good luck, and keep me posted!

Thanks Tricky :-)

Rachel

That's happened to me to but even worse i was swimming when it happened and I thought could i drownd if i don't go up and see what's wrong with me, then the next day I ate more that I did the other day and I didn't have that problem the next time I took a swim.

Rachel,
That's great that you found a therapist. Yeah, it's awkward at first but it's worth it in the long run. Good luck and keep me posted please.
Lily

Rachel,

Just wondering, how did you find a therapist?

- M

M,

Truthfully, I found him in the yellow pages under Psychologists... I looked for one that claimed to specialize in eating disorders and just figured I would go for the initial consult (couldn't hurt) and if I didn't like it or him I just wouldn't go any more... I think I do like him though.

Rachel

I placed my order and then was waiting to pay and pick it up and I started to think...what if they make a mistake or didn't hear me and actually give me a regular Coke instead?

Just know that you're not alone in this. I've had this same voice pester me into believing that the pop in the plastic cup wasn't diet. Even gone so far as wanting to taste regular Coke to determine the difference. But I was too afraid that I'd swallow sugar. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif You're not alone in this.

- Anna

Originally posted by Persophone:

...but the problem is I don't want to gain ANY weight back..in fact I still want to lose 3 more pounds. I tell myself that I will be happy when I do that.
It is possible that I may really be happy with 3 more pounds..isn't it?

<sarcasm>Yes it is possible, just eat a little bit less and cut back on the peanut butter.
</sarcasm>
I think (and my thoughts aren't gospel) that your problem is bigger than not wanting to gain any weight back.

I have little understanding of diseases such as annorexia, but a decent understanding of what is healthy.

Bort,
Since you don't know anything about anorexia don't sit back and tell Rachel or anyone else that they have a bigger problem than they realize. WE KNOW!!! We try to be supportive on this board b/c we understand each other. Please take your sarcastic remarks elsewhere, or try to be more supportive. Sorry if this came out harsh, I just wanted to express my thoughts.
Lily

If she truly realised the scope of her problem, would she not be working her towards her solution? I've got my own problems and for me what worked was listening to people who knew better than I did and tenuously (no pun intended) placing my trust in them, even though I didn't think what they said held any solution for me. The fact of the matter was that they had been where I had been and weren't suffering like I was, and to rely upon my thinking any more would have been insanity. When the pain became great enough I changed.

No need to apologise for harshness, I was pretty harsh myself.

Bort,
This wasn't the most up to date post from Rachel. She is getting help. That's the thing, she does realize the full scope of her problem(most of us do) it isn't that easy to just start eating again. Anorexia is a way of coping with problems and once you start doing it it's hard to stop. Therapy has helped me too so I know what you mean about talking to people who know better. I'm sorry you've suffered but I think maybe you should find more out about someone else's situation before you critisize them. Since you admitedly know nothing about anorexia how can you judge. Just like I can't judge you about your problems.
Lily

I was quite judgmental wasn't I. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I hope everything goes well for her.

Bort,
I hope everything goes well for her too, and you also.
Lily